Polygamy, and the Nature of Man and Woman: Part 2

Taliban_beating_woman_in_public_RAWAOne of the most frequent lies from muslim polygamy apologists is that polygyny is natural based on the differences between the sexes. The topic has been discussed on this blog several times, proving the absurd falsehood of this argument.

A muslim scholar wrote:

Lastly, there is the component of rebellion. It is human nature on part of man that he simply cannot tolerate someone else having conjugal relationships with his wife. In the case of polygyny, the jealousy of a woman is curbed by the leadership of her husband. In polyandry however, both men are on equal footing. As has been noted above, besides gender any other impartial variable available is absent which gives rise to a vacuum ready to be filled with adversity. When women fight, they pull each other’s hair. When men fight, they go to war.

A woman can not tolerate someone else having conjugal relationships with her husband either. It is inherently evil to us, disgusting and nauseating. Women “tolerate” it on the same basis people tolerate being beaten, raped, enslaved. Women tolerate it to survive. Women tolerate it in order to keep from going insane. Women tolerate it out of fear. Women tolerate it to be allowed paradise after death since they are doomed by polygyny to live in hell here on earth.

If a man is chained to a wall, physically or psychologically, he “tolerates” somebody making love to his wife too, even while he is obliged to watch.

That’s the basic truth.

“The jealousy of a woman is curbed by the leadership of her husband”. How, may I ask? How did the mere presence of my husband’s leadership curb my jealousy? Did you, dear scholar, ask any women about this? Any single woman? Because this is such major BS I can’t believe you managed to get it out of your head and down on paper. It isn’t “the leadership of her husband” that makes a woman try to survive polygyny. Nor is it her love for her husband. Do you want to know what it is?

“When women fight, they pull each other’s hair. When men fight, they go to war.”. This is actually an argument in favour of polyandry and against polygyny. Yes, men go to war. Men kill each other. Men beat and kill women. So, any loving and wise god would make MEN submit to polyandry and sharing and working on their lower instincts, since they are obviously the ones who need it!

The falsehoods, misogyny, heresy and sanctimoniousness of muslim scholars never ceases to amaze me.

But even more, it amazes me that women buy into this nauseous toxic goo.

Second in Polygamy

Heart-beatSo, today is Husband Swap day. We have a three day schedule, with a few adjustments made for special days like birthdays, and vacations. Usually it works just fine, it’s become normal.

This morning, I left Mark to go fetch a mirror I had had repaired, and after that I was going to Graham in the Chilterns. But just as I was leaving the shop in Slough, Mark called me and asked if I could stop by in St Albans and pick up a bag of books from a co-worker of his. I said fine, So, I texted Graham that I would be late because I needed to do Mark this favour and that was that. I thought.

When I came to the Chilterns, there was nobody there. No Tamsin, no Graham. And when I tried calling him, no answer. I called Mark and my children, they hadn’t heard anything either. I was so worried! Then, I got a text from Graham.

“Gone to the airport. Tickets for Dublin. Going alone, since you would have made us miss the flight. Tamsin’s with mom.”

I called him, over and over. And then I got another text:

“Please stop calling. I don’t want to talk to you right now. I’m going on my own, need to be alone. I want to come first in my own life for a couple of days, since I’ll obviously always come second in yours. Don’t worry. We’ll be fine.”

So, there you are.

Surprises are a bad idea in polygamy. Not keeping the schedule is a bad idea. Taking each other for granted is a bad idea.

I really don’t know what to do know. Maybe I’ll just go back to London.

Polygamy, and the Nature of Man and Woman

If I were to order anybody to do sudjud to another I would order husbands to prostrate before their wife, because of her immense rights over them.

If I were to order anybody to do sudjud to another I would order husbands to prostrate before their wife, because of her immense rights over them.

Over and over again, we hear from muslims that the fact that there are different rights and responsibilities for men and women in islam is based on the differences between the sexes. I won’t even go into the warped logics behind such a statement, but I would like to touch upon the idiocy of some of the arguments that come to light.

I will use this post from a mufti as an example:

 

The religion of Islām is a practical religion that also considers nature in directing laws and obligations. Polyandry is impractical for a woman and will place unbearable burden upon her. Thus, the prohibition of polyandry for a woman is based on care and compassion for her.

How will a woman fulfill the marital demands of more than one man, his intimacy needs, his temperament, and various other challenges? When a woman with one husband experiences so many challenges, imagine the burden with more than one husband.

What will a woman in such a relationship do when she is pregnant with one man’s child? How will the child’s lineage stay secure? Consider the emotions, jealousy, etc. she will have to undergo from the other husbands.

It is clear from the above that Allah Ta’ālā’s ruling of prohibiting females to have more than one husband reflects the hikmat and wisdom of Allah and His compassion for women.

And Allah Ta’āla Knows Best

AbdulMannan Nizami

Student Darul Iftaa
Chicago, IL, USA

The religion of Islām is a practical religion that also considers nature in directing laws and obligations. Polyandry is impractical for a woman and will place unbearable burden upon her. Thus, the prohibition of polyandry for a woman is based on care and compassion for her.

If it were a woman’s nature to obey her husband, give up on half her inheritance, live polygyny, give up work, hide her face etc. she would do so without any rule forcing her! It is only when something is unnatural that we need a law and force to make it happen.

And in what way is polyandry impractical? As a matter of fact, it is highly practical! A woman gets the incomes of two males to support her children, it could solve the issue of over-population, the children of the family get two males to look up to and be protected by, and the woman gets to enjoy variety and the pleasure of two or more husbands.

How will a woman fulfill the marital demands of more than one man, his intimacy needs, his temperament, and various other challenges? When a woman with one husband experiences so many challenges, imagine the burden with more than one husband.

First of all, a woman is able to have sex as many times as she likes in a day. The same is not true for a man. So women are biologically much better suited to please several partners than men are. Men are simply inept and bound to fall short when it comes to polygamy and sex. Or how could a man fulfill the marital demands of two, or four, women who all need sex on the same day?? Nope. Men are incapable of this. Women are made for it. And this temperament issue – aren’t you contradicting your own creed? I thought this whole gender-discrimination thing was built on the claim that women are temperamental, men are rational? So of course, it is much easier for a temperamental and emotional woman to keep two or more rational and reasonable men happy, than for a rational man to keep two or more emotional and temperamental women happy! Anybody can understand that, you silly sod. As for challenges, muslims tend to defend their misogyny stating that the gender preference is because of the many challenges and the responsibility that men have to face. Now, you suddenly claim that it’s women who face challenges. So, what way do you want to go?? And as I just said, the challenges are evidently much greater for polygamous men than for polygamous women.

What will a woman in such a relationship do when she is pregnant with one man’s child? How will the child’s lineage stay secure? Consider the emotions, jealousy, etc. she will have to undergo from the other husbands.

Actually, it was perfect. I had two men supporting our family while I was pregnant. Two men who could support each other through my pregnancy. Two men who could help each other. One man who could take care of the house and keep working while the other staid at home with me once my baby was born. So – what’s the problem as you see it?? The lineage is no problem, easy peasy. DNA. The test takes 2 minutes. (One of my husbands can’t father a child any more, so for us it didn’t even take 2 minutes to work out). Any child could teach you how to take the test. Problem solved!

As for emotions and jealousy – again…YOU are the people claiming that women are emotional, men are rational. If that were true, of course men wouldn’t be jealous and emotional about sharing their wife. As it is, you guys are full of BS, and men are just as emotional. But the thing is, women are much better at empathy. We can handle emotional spouses much better than men can. So again, women are much better suited at being polygamous than men are!

It is clear from the above that Allah Ta’ālā’s ruling of prohibiting females to have more than one husband reflects the hikmat and wisdom of Allah and His compassion for women.

No. It is clear from the above that the ruling that says females should not be allowed to be polygamous is misogynistic bullshit. And if you read the quran, you’ll find that Allah actually allows polyandry. Only misogynist men have interpreted the sura their way and contradicted Allah. And come up with crap like the BS above to excuse this crime against humanity.

And Allah Ta’āla Knows Best

Well, better than muslim scholars anyway.

AbdulMannan Nizami

Student Darul Iftaa
Chicago, IL, USA

You do know that polygyny is illegal in the US, bro?

How Do I Get Rid of My Husband’s Second Wife? Q&A

S%C3%A9pulcre_Arc-en-Barrois_111008_12Every day, women come here looking for the answer to the question: “How do I get rid of my husband’s second wife”. My stats show me that this is one of the most common search-phrases people use to find this blog.

How do I get rid of my husband’s second wife?

Well, there’s really only one answer to that question:

By getting rid of your husband.

As a muslim, you can’t force your husband to divorce his other wife or wives. There is no legal way for you to make that happen, nor any religious way. You might try to coerce him into divorcing her, by making his life a living hell if he doesn’t, but since Islam always has a mechanism for protecting the right of men, of course there are ahadith and fatwas saying that it is a great sin to try and make your husband divorce his other wife/wives. So if you really are a muslim, that is not a way out.

There are women out there who try to make their husbands divorce the second wives by being the perfect wives. Women degrade themselves and beautify themselves, keep a perfect house, offer their husbands lots of exciting sex in order to make their husbands see that they don’t need any other woman. Well ladies, this is the most stupid thing you can do!! It simply proves to your husbands that polygyny is great, and that by being polygynous they can keep their wives on their toes, serving them and competing for their favour. Please, please don’t stoop to that!! It will only make your husbands go out and tell other men how great polygyny is, setting other poor women up to become victims too.

You could of course murder your husband’s second wife, but only if you’re ready to go to prison for life, or possibly be executed depending on where you live. 😉

No, honestly, the only way to get rid of his second wife is by getting rid of him. I know it’s not as easy as it sounds. But there it is. If you get rid of him, she won’t ever be a part of your life again unless you want her to. She will become completely irrelevant. When he decides to marry a third wife, she will be the one to take the pain – it will have nothing to do with you. And as you get rid of him, you won’t only get rid of his second wife. You’ll also get rid of a dirty two-timing piece of shit who cares more about his dick than about your life and your marriage and your children. You’ll also get rid of the risk of getting STD:s from his other women, and you’ll get rid of spending half of the rest of your life alone as a single parent, a single woman, a woman alone in a home for the elderly.

Asking for divorce also happens to be an islamically permissible way to free yourself from  him and eternal pain and misery. (You do know of course, that if you don’t divorce him, you’ll have to share him with her for all eternity. even if you get into Paradise as a true muslim…?)

By getting rid of him, and her, you’ll open a door for love, for respect and honesty from a full time husband, a full time father.

So for goodness sake, get rid of your husband’s second wife. And now you know how.

“She Should Have Married Both!”

My daughter was staying over with me in London with a couple of friends the other night. They were talking about a TV show called “Bachelorette”. Obviously a young woman starts dating something like 15 men, and in each show somebody is eliminated and in the end she must choose between the final two. By that time of course, after dating and intimacy over a period of time, they all have strong feelings for each other.

My daughter and her friends were talking about a season finale. The girl was apparently deeply in love with both remaining men, and both men came to her to propose. She ended up dissing a man she had made love to, and confessed to being in love with. My daughter and her friends were all “Oh she should have kept Nick, he was much cuter and nicer, or she should have kept both. Yeah, she should have married both!!”

I’ve been browsing the net, and realize most people out there talking about this show seem to agree. They say, she should have kept both guys. And they say it because they saw that she was very much in love with both men, and they with her. I’ve even found women on a muslim web forum who say it!! And they do so intuitively, because of the romance and the love. Of course, they aren’t serious. But subconsciously, they recognize that it is not disgusting when a woman loves two men, is intimate with more than one man. No – it’s all in the packaging!

I know many friends of mine who have said the same about Love Actually, that Keira Knightley should have married both men. Because it’s so romantic….. It’s all in the packaging! It’s amazing really how islam manages to package polygyny as good, caring, moral and allowed while at the same time make polyandry out to be disgusting. And people buy into that, just like they buy into the newest fashion, or for that matter just like they bought into jews being untermensch during WWII.

I had a look at season 11 of The Bachelorette. It was fascinating. The thing that struck me the most is how the men there sound and act exactly like wives in polygamy. All the insecurities, the jealousy, the fighting over who is the favourite, while all the while having to force themselves to accept the situation with a smile, or else they’re out. So fascinating!! And perfect proof that everything muslim scholars try to deceive people into believing about the differences between men and women and our reactions to polygamy is an utter and blatant lie!!

Gee, I had no idea reality TV can be so enlightening!

 

The True State of Polygamy

imagesAs you probably know, my second husband Graham had a stroke a while back.

It has been scary, hurtful and it has opened our eyes to the value of life, just as it would have had our marriage been monogamous. But some of the issues we’ve had have been specific to polygamy.

I’ve been thinking a lot about the fact that one of my husbands could die, while I’m with the other husband. How would I feel if Graham had died from the stroke, while I had been off having a romantic night out with Mark, or making love to Mark? What would have happened if Graham had been all alone and unable to get help? What if he had been brain damaged, and the doctors had told me that if he had received help in time he would have been ok, but since he didn’t he’ll be living his life unable to communicate, eat or move…How would I live with that on my conscience?

I have realized that I can never be a half time wife to two husbands, I must be a full time wife to two husbands. There is no emergency I can decline attending to, there is no request I can turn down, there is no moment of sadness, loneliness or fear in my spouse that is not my responsibility to alleviate.

I have realized that had both my husbands had young children, I would have had to give up on polygamy. It would have been a 48 hours a day job, just to be a full time mother. No way could I have been a full time wife also. Any man who opts for polygamy with children in both his families does this knowing that he is forfeiting fatherhood and husbandhood in order to be polygamous. He chooses polygamy over his wives and children. Any spouse of such a man must be aware that this is his choice. Polygamy is more important to him than you are, than your children are.

It’s also been agonizing to see that my love for the other husband is still so painful to both my husbands. I think they’ve both lulled themselves into a calm life of make belief, where they both disregard my life with the other husband and my love for him. Like, each husband believes I have a love marriage with him, and a marriage of duty with the other. Ok, I can see how they build that scenario in their minds and hearts. But it keeps all the pain and hurt alive and raw, since all make belief  Potemkin villages are torn down and the truth comes out whenever life has me show my love openly.

You know, in one way or another, I believe the only way to survive when your spouse is polygamous is by building some kind of make belief around the whole situation. You make yourself believe you are the favourite. Or you make yourself believe that your spouse is just off to work when she/he is actually with another spouse. Or you make yourself believe this is what god wants. You make yourself believe you’ll be rewarded somehow if you can only make it through the day.

Polygamy is a matrix. It’s the Truman show.

 

Polygamy is Not a Threesome

ThreeringsEach marriage is separate and unique.

I am my husbands’ wife. They are both, separately, married to me. My husbands are not polygamous, they both have monogamous marriages with me.

I try never to take anything with me from one marriage to the other. It’s difficult.

If I have had a conflict with one husband, it’s difficult to completely shut the door on it, and the bad temper, when I go to the other husband. If I’m worried about one husband, it’s difficult to hide it from the other.

Mark is having problems right now with the concern and worry I feel over Graham, what with the stroke and the depression and everything. And Graham is hurting over how our intimate life together has been disrupted by the stroke, and by his medicines. He’s jealous, and it adds to the depression.

Suddenly, I feel the urge to have my husbands talk this out together. Find the way back to seeing each other as friends, not as rivals. But they don’t want that.

They both say polygamy is my problem. I’m polygamous, they’re not.

Privacy in Polygamy

1013483_354648064665525_279483948_nSo, we decided after Graham’s stroke that he’d better stay in one of the guest rooms in the big house for a month or so. I don’t want him to be alone, especially at night, and Mark agreed.

In a way, it’s really nice to have both my husbands together. I can speak to both at the same time, we can agree on things directly instead of me always having to be the mediator, Tamsin LOVES having us all together – and Graham and Mark enjoy watching rugger together and cooking together.

But – and this is a big but -we are having big privacy issues.

Yesterday when I was in the kitchen with Mark we were laughing and joking together over some silly looking carrots when Graham came in. I felt myself blushing over the double entendre of the jokes I realized Graham must have heard. I could see that both Mark and Graham were uncomfortable too.

And the other day, Mark and Graham were watching TV and Tamsin was already asleep. When she’s around, everything is easier somehow. Now when I came into the room I found myself wondering: where do I sit? With Graham because it’s his day? Or with Mark because the white sofa is bigger? And I stood there hesitating until both of them realized what the problem was and it all turned silently awkward. And I have had to make a habit out of always going to bed early. That way I can go to the right bedroom and the husband whose night it is can join me there later. Because getting up together and leaving towards the bedroom while saying goodnight to the husband who is “off” is simply too darn hurtful.

And I can’t spontaneously hug or kiss my husbands – I always have to look over the shoulder first.

And now I’ve noticed that Graham isn’t feeling well. Well, physically he’s doing great. But this thing has made him realize that he is mortal, and he’s obsessing over dying while Tamsin still needs him.

So, I’m looking forward to next weekend when Graham is moving back to the annex.

Polygamy isn’t about being one big happy family. No way. I’t about having different, separate families. Or at least separate marriages.

How to Manage Polygamy? Q&A

ThreeringsI get a lot of email, asking questions about the practical everyday aspects of polygamy. I have collected some of the most common questions here.

  1. Do you love one of your husbands more than the other?

Yes. But not always the same husband. There are ups and downs in every marriage I believe. In polygamy, there seems to be some kind of natural law that when one husband is happy, the other one is not. And so I tend to love the happy husband more than the unhappy husband. I know it sounds awful, but polygamy is really hard work, so coming home to a bitter and resentful husband just bugs me.

2. Do you ever have sex with both your husbands on the same day?

Yes. It happens on most change over days actually. The husband I’m about to leave is often eager to have sex because he knows I’ll be gone for 3 days. And the husband I go to is happy to see me again:) So yes, it happens all the time. And no, it doesn’t make me feel dirty. It makes me feel happy and loved and fulfilled. And it’s an obvious sign that women are better suited to be polygamous than men, since I have no problem having sex twice a day, while most men simply wouldn’t be physically able to.

3. Do you compare your husbands?

Yes. All the time. There’s simply no avoiding it. When Graham laughs at a joke, I think “Mark wouldn’t have found that funny” When I see a film I think “I should have seen it with Mark, he would have liked it better” When I serve coffee, I think “Right…so Graham wants it black”. I compare the way they smile, the way they frown, the way they scold me. And yes, I compare them in bed. It is the most special and intimate part of marriage, so of course I compare. Don’t ever believe a polygamous man who says he doesn’t!

4. Can you be just and fair?

No. I can’t. I have tried my damndest, but it’s simply not possible. When both of them need me, I have to fail one. When I turn to one to give him a smile, I turn my back on the other. When I have to go away on business, I always end up hurting one of them because the schedule alters and upsets plans. My children love Graham and avoid Mark, so in order to spend time with my children, I have to favour Graham on holidays e.g. When I try to be fair by giving them both the same present, one of them loves it and the other one doesn’t. When I try to be fair by giving them different presents, they both feel they got the short end of the stick. There is simply no way to be just and fair. But to me, that’s just life. To a muslim man, it means going to hell 🙂 So again – it’s obvious Western women are made to be polygamous if they choose – muslim men aren’t.

5. Do you ever lie to your husbands, or can you be honest in polygamy?

I lie to them all the time. Every day when they ask me trivial things like “Isn’t this the best Rogan Josh you’ve had in ages” (No, the one I had with Mark last week was way better) “Do you even remember when you laughed as much”? (Yes, yesterday with Graham), “I bought you some tulips, I suppose you were longing for the first spring tulips?” (No, my other husband bought me some already) and so on. But worse than that – I have to lie when they spontaneously ask me things like after sex “Don’t you wish we could just stay like this forever” (No, because I want to be intimate with my other husband just as much). Yes, I lie to them constantly. The day you lose your spouse to polygamy, is also the day you lose the spouse you can trust, who will tell you the truth. If your spouse is polygamous you simply have to choose: be lied to or stop all kind of communication except about the weather or Jo Brand’s new hair.

6. Do you regret polygamy?

No, I don’t. Polygamy gave me Tamsin, my beautiful daughter. And Graham, whom I love with all my heart. But I can honestly say, that if I were the one who had chosen polygamy, I would never have been able to live with myself seeing the pain and suffering polygamy has caused my husbands. I would have killed myself, or died from shame and regret. But as it is, polygyny was forced on me, which meant polygamy became the only option for me to have a complete life. So Mark chose polygamy, and he has had to live with the consequences. That’s what made it possible for me to hold on to polygamy without letting his pain and suffering kill me. And Graham chose polygamy. So his pain hasn’t been all my fault either. But it hurts to see him suffer. Because honestly – there is no polygamy without pain and suffering. How men who choose polygyny, knowing their wives don’t have the same possibility, can live with themselves I simply cannot fathom. But of course, how anybody could buy a slave is beyond me too, still people do it. Anyway, knowing first hand how evil the pain and hurt is, I know there’s a special place in hell for polygynous men.

7. What do you love most about polygamy?

Being loved by two wonderful men. Having children with two wonderful men.

8. Would you recommend polyandry to other women?

Yes. If you’re strong and intelligent, and extremely well organized. And if both ( or more I suppose) men are willing. Nobody should ever force or coax an unwilling, reluctant or even hesitant spouse into a polygamous relationship. Ever. If there is the least doubt – don’t.

9. Do you have rules about phone calls, texts, e-mails etc on the other husband’s night?

Yes. No texts or phone calls unless absolutely necessary. Privacy is crucial. Only emergency calls are allowed. But I try to slip away so I can pay a short visit to the husband I won’t stay the night with (Mark lives in the house, Graham lives in the annex) and I always send a good night text.

10 How do you solve conflicts between your husbands?

I simply tell them I don’t accept any conflicts. There was a lot of back stabbing, manipulation and that kind of thing going on when I first married Graham. But I never allowed myself to be manipulated. I just kept to the ground rules. And most of the time, they managed to work things out between them without my help. Now, there aren’t any major conflicts any more.

Polygamy – Advice Needed Q&A

TritvamI wanted to ask some advice, as an outsider of all things polygamy.
I know someone in a polyandry relationship, with my housemate. It’s all very confusing and long but I’ll try to break it down and explain what I see (do make yourself a cup of tea before you settle down, it could be a long one).

Myself and my boyfriend (we are completely monogamous) have recently moved in with a friend, who we shall refer to as J.
J is in an open relationship with his friend, L.
L is the girlfriend to another man, P. P is aware of the sharing of his girlfriend but doesn’t like to talk about it, which I would have personally taken as an early sign of uncomfort at the situation, however L is P’s first love (he was 23 when he lost his virginity to her, ’nuff said), and L seems to be very dominating in situations. She likes to talk for everybody, talk over everybody, and literally says because she has autism she can read peoples emotions better than they can themselves, a comment that I found very distasteful and just seemed to be a blow your own trumpet kind of comment. So I think P will never say how he truly feels about the situation, probably because L has convinced him that he feels ok about it, and she’s convinced he’s ok with it because she happily put words in his mouth that suited her, all the while P has to stick it up and shut up. He obviously doesn’t want to lose her and I feel she uses this to her advantage as she knows she can get away with a polyandry relationship when it hurts her partner, but I feel like she hasn’t thought about just how much this could be damaging to him, I feel she’s only selfishly looking out for her own needs. Your blog has definitely made me understand polygamy more, even that there are some benefits to it I suppose, but I feel L is doing it to satisfy her emotional neediness and sexual greediness more than anything else, with a total disregard to anyone else. L is around J’s every other day, and literally gives him no space when she’s not, he’ll be on the phone to her for absolutely hours as soon as he gets in from work, even on his break at work he’ll spend the duration of it on the phone to her. When she can’t get through to him she messages me, the bloody housemate, to go and wake him up because she cant get through to him and he has a doctors appt, etc! The neediness is like nothing I’ve ever seen before, and yet she speaks with such confidence driven know-it-all-ism about things she knows nothing about its enough to want to smack your head against the wall (she confidently stated the other day that it was impossible for baked beans to go off, I mean really?!) I suppose it all boils down to insecurity within herself.
L maintains that J and P are the best of friends, but after living here for 6 months, although they get on very well (forced acceptance in my eyes, again, like it or lump it) the visits used to be all of them together, now it is very much P just coming over to pick up L after a few days away.
J recently struck up a relationship with a girl from work, M. He didn’t tell her about L, not at first, he got intimate with M for a few weeks and then decided to tell her. Now, normally from any outside situation looking in anyone would blame J for stringing M along without telling her straight away, but I actually feel like he didn’t do this maliciously, he’s young and confused, and what male can’t resist 2 women falling at his feet? That sounds really messed up, but if you knew J personally, you’d realise he’s just caught up in it all, he’s emotionally invested himself in 2 people because 2 people like him, without thinking of the bigger picture, I really don’t think he realises how much hurt there is to be had in a relationship like this.
As the love triangle (or square as there are so many now?) continues M and L spent time with J around the house together, and underlying problems became apparent. L feels jealous when J is cuddling up to M, and vice versa, this annoys me in itself as surely L must have a tiny bit of understanding as to how P feels about sharing her. They all agreed to come over to J’s to talk through the problems (L and P live with L’s parents, so they had to do it over ours which meant myself and my boyfriend were banished from downstairs for the night while they talked over their self made emotional black holes), which didn’t actually happen by the way, they all chickened out of talking about how they all really feel and just swept in under the rug so it can continue (imo) and ordered pizza instead. Didn’t bother telling us so we stayed in our room all night.
Last week P proposed to L, they are fiancees, and a little part of me cant help but think he’s done this out of defense, “don’t forget she’s mine” kind of thing, and maybe he feels like it’ll stop when they’re married. I wish I could talk to him about it, but we’ve only had small talk acquaintance style, and if he doesn’t like talking about it to the people who are involved he certainly won’t speak to a stranger.
A part of me wants to send him a coarse horrid message to snap him out of being submissive to such emotional drainage, “Doesn’t it bother you that your wife is fucking another man?!!”, but alas I won’t. That is definitely not my place, no matter how much I can’t understand it. I just don’t get how people cause such underlying pain (looking into partners eyes during lovemaking and imagining them being intimate with someone else) for the sake of a ‘more interesting life’. It just seems so wrong to cause burdens on emotions like that. I can see the appeal, one of my earliest fantasies was to be in a wonderfully sexual polygamous relationship with two men before I even knew what the term for it was. However, emotionally analysing it it’s just messed up.
I see L and M in competition with each other but passively which is very strange to observe, I think I’d rather have 2 people just fight it out in front of me, L is constantly cleaning the house, and will actively point out everything she’s done to J for approval, almost like a “look how better I am than M”.
I suppose I’m also a little angry at J for continuing it, as much as I can see the appeal of two women at once, L is going to get married so there is no real progression there for a meaningful relationship, and M’s a really lovely girl that shouldn’t have been dragged through this mess. Still blaming L for this though, she is definitely the dominant one in every aspect and knows what she is doing. I see J losing his patience with all sides, although I have little sympathy.

Thoughts please?
Also, thank you Fiona, this blog is amazing, I read through nearly every article. And please excuse me for saying so, but reading through your own posts just made me realise how emotionally submissive to this you were, like you had to cope, deal and accept it as being normal when there’s so much pain and awkwardness there really. But that is only my opinion, and has probably been jaded by the situation I am watching on a daily basis, I would never have found your blog if not for it so I suppose it has brought one good thing. I wish I could make L read all the posts on here!
You’re a wonder woman Fiona, even to the people who don’t understand 🙂