Polygamy, and the Nature of Man and Woman: Part 2

Taliban_beating_woman_in_public_RAWAOne of the most frequent lies from muslim polygamy apologists is that polygyny is natural based on the differences between the sexes. The topic has been discussed on this blog several times, proving the absurd falsehood of this argument.

A muslim scholar wrote:

Lastly, there is the component of rebellion. It is human nature on part of man that he simply cannot tolerate someone else having conjugal relationships with his wife. In the case of polygyny, the jealousy of a woman is curbed by the leadership of her husband. In polyandry however, both men are on equal footing. As has been noted above, besides gender any other impartial variable available is absent which gives rise to a vacuum ready to be filled with adversity. When women fight, they pull each other’s hair. When men fight, they go to war.

A woman can not tolerate someone else having conjugal relationships with her husband either. It is inherently evil to us, disgusting and nauseating. Women “tolerate” it on the same basis people tolerate being beaten, raped, enslaved. Women tolerate it to survive. Women tolerate it in order to keep from going insane. Women tolerate it out of fear. Women tolerate it to be allowed paradise after death since they are doomed by polygyny to live in hell here on earth.

If a man is chained to a wall, physically or psychologically, he “tolerates” somebody making love to his wife too, even while he is obliged to watch.

That’s the basic truth.

“The jealousy of a woman is curbed by the leadership of her husband”. How, may I ask? How did the mere presence of my husband’s leadership curb my jealousy? Did you, dear scholar, ask any women about this? Any single woman? Because this is such major BS I can’t believe you managed to get it out of your head and down on paper. It isn’t “the leadership of her husband” that makes a woman try to survive polygyny. Nor is it her love for her husband. Do you want to know what it is?

“When women fight, they pull each other’s hair. When men fight, they go to war.”. This is actually an argument in favour of polyandry and against polygyny. Yes, men go to war. Men kill each other. Men beat and kill women. So, any loving and wise god would make MEN submit to polyandry and sharing and working on their lower instincts, since they are obviously the ones who need it!

The falsehoods, misogyny, heresy and sanctimoniousness of muslim scholars never ceases to amaze me.

But even more, it amazes me that women buy into this nauseous toxic goo.

How Do I Get Rid of My Husband’s Second Wife? Q&A

S%C3%A9pulcre_Arc-en-Barrois_111008_12Every day, women come here looking for the answer to the question: “How do I get rid of my husband’s second wife”. My stats show me that this is one of the most common search-phrases people use to find this blog.

How do I get rid of my husband’s second wife?

Well, there’s really only one answer to that question:

By getting rid of your husband.

As a muslim, you can’t force your husband to divorce his other wife or wives. There is no legal way for you to make that happen, nor any religious way. You might try to coerce him into divorcing her, by making his life a living hell if he doesn’t, but since Islam always has a mechanism for protecting the right of men, of course there are ahadith and fatwas saying that it is a great sin to try and make your husband divorce his other wife/wives. So if you really are a muslim, that is not a way out.

There are women out there who try to make their husbands divorce the second wives by being the perfect wives. Women degrade themselves and beautify themselves, keep a perfect house, offer their husbands lots of exciting sex in order to make their husbands see that they don’t need any other woman. Well ladies, this is the most stupid thing you can do!! It simply proves to your husbands that polygyny is great, and that by being polygynous they can keep their wives on their toes, serving them and competing for their favour. Please, please don’t stoop to that!! It will only make your husbands go out and tell other men how great polygyny is, setting other poor women up to become victims too.

You could of course murder your husband’s second wife, but only if you’re ready to go to prison for life, or possibly be executed depending on where you live. 😉

No, honestly, the only way to get rid of his second wife is by getting rid of him. I know it’s not as easy as it sounds. But there it is. If you get rid of him, she won’t ever be a part of your life again unless you want her to. She will become completely irrelevant. When he decides to marry a third wife, she will be the one to take the pain – it will have nothing to do with you. And as you get rid of him, you won’t only get rid of his second wife. You’ll also get rid of a dirty two-timing piece of shit who cares more about his dick than about your life and your marriage and your children. You’ll also get rid of the risk of getting STD:s from his other women, and you’ll get rid of spending half of the rest of your life alone as a single parent, a single woman, a woman alone in a home for the elderly.

Asking for divorce also happens to be an islamically permissible way to free yourself from  him and eternal pain and misery. (You do know of course, that if you don’t divorce him, you’ll have to share him with her for all eternity. even if you get into Paradise as a true muslim…?)

By getting rid of him, and her, you’ll open a door for love, for respect and honesty from a full time husband, a full time father.

So for goodness sake, get rid of your husband’s second wife. And now you know how.

The True State of Polygamy

imagesAs you probably know, my second husband Graham had a stroke a while back.

It has been scary, hurtful and it has opened our eyes to the value of life, just as it would have had our marriage been monogamous. But some of the issues we’ve had have been specific to polygamy.

I’ve been thinking a lot about the fact that one of my husbands could die, while I’m with the other husband. How would I feel if Graham had died from the stroke, while I had been off having a romantic night out with Mark, or making love to Mark? What would have happened if Graham had been all alone and unable to get help? What if he had been brain damaged, and the doctors had told me that if he had received help in time he would have been ok, but since he didn’t he’ll be living his life unable to communicate, eat or move…How would I live with that on my conscience?

I have realized that I can never be a half time wife to two husbands, I must be a full time wife to two husbands. There is no emergency I can decline attending to, there is no request I can turn down, there is no moment of sadness, loneliness or fear in my spouse that is not my responsibility to alleviate.

I have realized that had both my husbands had young children, I would have had to give up on polygamy. It would have been a 48 hours a day job, just to be a full time mother. No way could I have been a full time wife also. Any man who opts for polygamy with children in both his families does this knowing that he is forfeiting fatherhood and husbandhood in order to be polygamous. He chooses polygamy over his wives and children. Any spouse of such a man must be aware that this is his choice. Polygamy is more important to him than you are, than your children are.

It’s also been agonizing to see that my love for the other husband is still so painful to both my husbands. I think they’ve both lulled themselves into a calm life of make belief, where they both disregard my life with the other husband and my love for him. Like, each husband believes I have a love marriage with him, and a marriage of duty with the other. Ok, I can see how they build that scenario in their minds and hearts. But it keeps all the pain and hurt alive and raw, since all make belief  Potemkin villages are torn down and the truth comes out whenever life has me show my love openly.

You know, in one way or another, I believe the only way to survive when your spouse is polygamous is by building some kind of make belief around the whole situation. You make yourself believe you are the favourite. Or you make yourself believe that your spouse is just off to work when she/he is actually with another spouse. Or you make yourself believe this is what god wants. You make yourself believe you’ll be rewarded somehow if you can only make it through the day.

Polygamy is a matrix. It’s the Truman show.

 

Because Allah has Made Some of Them Excel Others

White people have authority over coloured people, by [right of] what Allah has given one over the other and what they spend [for maintenance] from their wealth. So righteous coloured people are devoutly obedient, guarding in the white people’s absence what Allah would have them guard. But those coloureds from whom you fear arrogance – [first] advise them; [then if they persist], forsake them in bed; and [finally], beat them. But if they obey you [once more], seek no means against them. Indeed, Allah is ever Exalted and Grand.

Since coloured people are to obey their spouses, coloured people are only allowed to marry white people. White people are the leaders and guardians of coloured people, since they are weak in reason and religion. This is in the best interest of coloured people and a heavy burden on white people.

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Coloured people are only allowed to work if their white spouses give permission. The white spouse must provide for and protect the coloured partner, and hence has a right to prevent the coloured spose from having a job, or even leaving the house, or receiving friends at home. The white spouse also has a right to forbid the coloured partner from speaking to people on the phone or using the internet. This is in order to protect coloured people from harm.

A white person has a right to marry up to four people, coloured or white. Coloured people are only allowed to marry one spouse, and this spouse must be white since coloured people must be lead and protected by white people. A baby born to a mixed couple is coloured. White people can marry up to four coloured people, and they don’t need permission from former spouses, nor need they inform them of subsequent marriages.

White people can divorce by simply uttering words to that effect. Coloured people are not allowed divorce, since they are run by their emotions and can not be trusted to make rational decisions about their lives. If a coloured person needs to divorce an abusive spouse, they must go to court and prove the abuse, and pay to be released. This is to protect coloured people and keep them from being deserted and unprovided for. Coloured people must be grateful for this, and remember that if any person were to be commanded to prostrate himself before another, it would be coloured people before their white spouses.

A child belongs to its white parent, unless it’s in its infancy. If the coloured person remarries, it loses the right to any prior children. A coloured person can not be a judge or a political leader or a religious leader, due to their lack of reason and religion.

Coloured people are by nature emotional, irrational, vulnerable, loving and caring. This means that they easily get used. So no coloured person is allowed to be without a white legal guardian. This is to protect the rights of coloured people and make sure they aren’t taken advantage of.

White people can find coloured people attractive. To protect coloured people from the stares and advances from white people, coloured people should stay in their homes. But if they have to go out they must wear black baggy jumpsuits, full length ponchos, balaclavas and diving masks. This way they will be protected, hidden gems, and their modesty will make them proud of themselves.

Coloured people must have sex with their white spouse on command, or else the white spouse has a right to lock them up in their homes and beat them or divorce them on the spot. A coloured spouse has a right to sex once every four months. If that right is not fulfilled, the coloured spouse can go to court and ask for a divorce. If granted, the coloured person must wait three months before he or she can remarry, they must pay for their release and give up their rights to any child above the age of 7.

Do you find any of this offensive?

I do.

It is all offensive beyond measure.

So why isn’t the world screaming with outrage, when the above is applied to women? 

My Husband has Married in Secret! Q&A

400px-Young_Saudi_Arabian_woman_in_AbhaSalaams Sisters,

I am an American revert, I live in Saudi with my husband. We got married 8 years ago, it took quite some time and effort I can tell you to get our marriage approved! The Kingdom really is a stickler for rules, in every way. We met while my husband was working in the US and I fell madly in love with him, took the Shahada and accepted that we’d one day move to Saudi for good. My husband is a devoted husband and father and a good Muslim in every way. I have trusted him with my life. And not just as a saying but for real, since for a woman to move to Saudi is to put her life in the hands of her husband.

It took some getting used to, I can tell you. I still prefer just to stay in my house since the culture here is stifling. I have a few friends who are also American reverts married to Saudis, but that’s about it. I’m not at ease here, not even with my husband’s family who expect me to wear a niqab even at their house because of my husband’s brothers.

Maybe this isolation is the reason why everybody else knew my husband had married a second wife before I did. He still travels a lot because of his work, and when he finally told me he had a second wife, he had already been married to her for almost six months.

So for six months I’ve been sharing my husband with another woman, without knowing it. The reason he told me is she’s trying to become pregnant so she wants him to start spending half the time (nights) with her so that can happen asap. Obviously she had agreed to give up her time for a while, until he told me about her and now she has put a stop to that. So suddenly my life is a turmoil, a tornado of pain, tears and fear.

I found this blog, and just love it. The way you stick up for women! Right now I’m in so much pain I don’t know how to get through the day, and the nights are even worse. And he just expects me to come to terms with it. He says he’s sorry, and he says he loves me and doesn’t want me to hurt. And I keep saying: Then how could you do this to me? Why did you do this to us? But he doesn’t have any answers.

He says he will not divorce me, and he will not allow me to leave the Kingdom. And he won’t get a chauffeur for me so I’m basically a prisoner here, in this country in my home in my marriage.

And right now, my husband is off trying to make another woman pregnant.

Please, sisters. Help me. Give me some strength, or at least some company.

How do I survive this?

Polygamy – Is it Possible to Love Two Spouses Equally?

En_boca_cerrada_no_entran_moscasQuestion:

Hello Fiona,

I have been reading your blog eagerly. My husband is about to marry again. We have been through every possible issue regarding polygamy and we have tried to agree on practical problems so as to minimize friction, like the schedule, moneys, holidays, talking to each other on the other wife’s day etc. I’m still worried though. I’m trying to keep my nafs in check but I’m worried about envy, jealousy and losing out.

But what worries me the most is losing his love. What am I to do if he loves her more? How am I to cope with watching him fall in love? I am HORRIFIED when I think about it, having my husband in my home, my bed but falling in love with another woman. And I do understand that he will, that it’s inevitable.

So I wanted to ask you, is it possible to love two people at the same time? To love them equally? Or will I be losing him, when his love for her grows?

Thank you for an answer,

Hasnat

Answer:

Dear Hasnat,

You’re in for the mother of all pain.

Watching your spouse falling in love, deliberately opening his heart for another woman to enter as a visitor here put it, is the most soul wrenching experience one can ever go through.

Will you be losing him? Probably not. A man who can have two women who love him won’t give one up if he doesn’t have to. You will however lose what you have now. Never again will you be his number one or only priority. Never again will you be the only one he turns to late at night to talk about happiness or sadness. Never again will he be an equal partner to you, one who invests as much of himself in your relationship as you do.

It is possible to love two spouses at the same time. Equally? Well yes. 2+3 equals 5, and so does 4+1. I wouldn’t say that 4+1 and 2+3 are identical, but they are equal and they both add up to 5. I don’t think you can ever harbour the same love, or identical love, for two spouses but you can love them equally.

I wish you didn’t have to go through this. I shudder at the thought of what lies ahead of you.

Every person is worth being loved as much as he or she loves.

THE Most Unlikely Person in Polygamy

My childhood was very happy, summers spent in our family home in Norfolk, swimming, riding, playing, fishing, building tree-houses. My brother and I and our cousins, and later on friends from school, loved those summers 🙂 In the autumn we always visited my grandparents, family was important – and grouse 😉

Winters were spent in London, my parents both worked a lot and when my brother was off to school I could feel rather lonely at times. So the library became my favourite place, I would spend hours there living through all kinds of make belief adventures 🙂

I went off to school when I was eight. I loved school. My school was in Sussex, beautifully situated at the edge of a bluff, teachers were wonderful and I was taught to believe in myself and in humanity. We were taught that we could do anything, accomplish anything, and we were given the best tools to do just that.

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After that I went to Oxford. I studied Art and History and joined a theatrical. And the Oxford Union. 🙂 Getting me to talk has never been a problem… 🙂 I loved the debates, and the openmindedness. By that time I was a typical tweed Brit, proud of my context, self-assured and easy going. I met Mark at Oxford. He swept me off my feet with his charm, his exotic looks and his adoration. When I first took him to meet my parents, my mother said “I believe you will marry him”. She was right. We were married while still at Oxford, and had our first child. I think, looking back, we were a bit proud of the bohemian fashion of it all 🙂 My parents were happy, but now I can admit – to you and to myself – that they probably wouldn’t have approved of Mark had he just been an Omani upper class boy, no they accepted him because of his English mother, who is even a distant relative of ours.

Those were wonderful years. We had two beautiful children, Mark worked in the City, I got a fellowship. When I look back, it still makes me smile.

Then my parents were killed in a car crash. The shock, the pain – unbelievable. The present became unbearably  precious. I kept my family so close, I never wanted to let anybody out of my sight. My brother let me have the house, he knew I needed to hold on, hold on to family, hold on to love. When the children were off to school, I felt so alone. I started writing and completed my Ph.D. I ended my fellowship and did lecturing in stead. I’ve always loved to travel. I’ve had a very happy life.

I am the last person anybody would see ending up in polygamy. I’m the typical milk and honey English girl. I know I’ve lived a life of privilege, and I am grateful.

But I’ve lived through pain too. First the death of my parents. The shock was horrible. It scattered my world.

Then the slow, killing agony of having to watch my brother die. He was slowly tortured to death, but managed to keep his dignity and his warmth and marvelous sense of humour right until the end.

Still polygyny is by far the greatest pain I have experienced.

 

When Polygamy Only Gets Worse – What Can a Good Wife do?

921ce-keep-calm-and-you-can-do-it-13Assalam alaykum Fiona and blogfriends

I am Maya. I am first wife I have two cowives. I agreed when my husband wished to marry again because it is law where I live that the wife must agree. I agreed because i saw it as my duty and also I wanted to make hubby happy and also I found some pride in thinking I could sacrifice myself in polygamy and share with my sisters in islam.

You know the pain I don’t need to tell you. It truly is the worse pain ever. But I lived through that al-ḥamdu lillāh. The pain that cuts like knifes is gone now.

But it is strange. Even when the pain was when it was the worse, I didn’t think I want divorce. I never wanted it then. But now I am thinking maybe I will have to divorce. My husband was patient when I was hurting and crying and he helped me pray and was caring of my feelings and also I think feeling guilty for making the pain. But now I have a so empty feeling. My home is like a revolving door to my hubby. He runs between families and never really has time to be only to run between. I feel many times like a widow or something and I dont long for his return any more it is only disruptive and I feel like a part time servant to him and a 100% single mummy. It would be easier even because then I would not have to text him for opinion or permission about things! He is even sometimes sleeping at his brothers house because he is tired of all families, children and wives. I would have been angry with that earlier because I was all about my rights and afraid of to loose him to another wife but now I am more better and calm without him.

I loved him much and maybe still would have loved him but I do not love a man who is here one minute and gone 2000 and never is ALL here but always in a part somewhere else.

So my question is now what I should do. I have had advice that polygamy is worse in the start it gets better. But for me is it simply not true. I want real advice. I am a religious woman but I believe one can be good without to be religious. So I ask of you who are wise and have experience – what can I expect? What will my life be? What should I do?

Allah ar rahman ar raheem wa barokatuh

Can Children Forgive a Polygamous Father?

Depression-loss_of_loved_oneGraham has been calling my son about our visit in a couple of weeks, they have bought tickets to a hockey game and basket and I’m very relieved to be left out. 🙂

Graham tells me he told my son about Mark’s divorce, about everything that’s been going on. Apparently, Graham is hoping this new turn of events will open up a door for Mark and my son to somehow get in touch again. Graham said my son was happy about #2 getting out of our lives, but he didn’t know if he could forgive his dad. Ever. I think Graham proves again what a wonderful man he is by trying to reconcile my son, the boy he loves and treats like his own, and Mark.

I have stopped trying to push my son into forgiving his father. I know too much about the pain and torture of forced polygyny to expect my son to be able to reach out to his dad, or accept any kind of initiative from Mark. You can help somebody recover from abuse and torture, but you can’t make them love the abuser.

I have been contacted by many children with polygamous fathers. They all speak of agony, loneliness, feelings of insufficiency, abandonment – and the unbearable pain of watching your mother’s perpetual suffering. Many speak of trying to win your father’s love, trying to make him stay, end the torture. Their stories are heartbreaking, horrendous tales of the endless heritage of pain left by forced polygyny.

I believe a child can learn to live with having a polygamous father, they might even be able to keep up a relationship, allow the father to be a part of their lives.

But I don’t think a child can ever forgive a father who has forced polygyny on his family. They might accept it.

But they will never forgive.

Do you feel Guilty about Hurting you Spouse by being Polygamous? Part 1

S%C3%A9pulcre_Arc-en-Barrois_111008_12Do I feel guilty about hurting my spouses?

This is an important question. Many women wonder a lot about the way men hurt their first wives, families in order to have a second wife. We ask ourselves how it’s possible to live with yourself having hurt somebody you love so immensely. I have decided to write a three part post on this since it is such a major aspect of polygamy. Guilt. Hurt and guilt.

When I first became polygamous I did experience some guilt. But it was mostly some kind of cultural guilt. I felt that polygamy was somehow shameful and I was afraid about how my children would react. As soon as I knew my children were perfectly fine with it, I was able to get past it.

I didn’t feel guilty about hurting my husband. He had chosen to become polygamous behind my back, deceiving me brutally – he had turned our monogamous marriage into a polygamous one, not I. He had spent months going to another woman, fucking another woman, leaving me crying, shivering, screaming and vomiting. I felt no guilt whatsoever. I never took anything from my husband, I only used the half of my life he had given up to love again and be happy again with somebody else. No, I felt no guilt.

I did pity him though. I pitied him because I saw his extreme pain and I knew how he felt. I believe a lot of polygamous men can’t even do that since they don’t know the pain, they don’t know how it feels. So I felt compassion. But not guilt. He of course tried to guilt me,  using his cultural and religious norms to do it. Doesn’t work on me. I didn’t do anything he hadn’t already done to me. He had proven that he thought it ok for a person to do this to a spouse.

Today, I do feel guilty sometimes. Since my husband’s #2 had to move, I have been feeling guilty over the pain I’m causing because my first husband is so vulnerable now and when I leave to go to Graham, #1 is all alone. When I’m falling asleep next to Graham, I know that #1 is alone next door. I feel guilty about the pain now. Before, my first husband was always with his #2 when I was with Graham so I didn’t feel guilty. I do now. Taking leave can be excruciating. Watching him pretending to be busy with something, finding an excuse to leave the house before me so he can be the one to leave. Sometimes he just holds me as if he never wants to let me go. Trying to keep his voice steady when he says good bye, I love you. Yes, I feel guilty.

So guilt has become a part of my marriage now. What happened with #2 wasn’t my fault, but I feel guilty about making my first husband hurt when he has nobody else but me.

I do feel guilty about Graham too. He hurts sometimes too. But he chose this willingly and always tells me I have nothing to feel guilty about. His choosing this makes all the difference.

I’ll be back tomorrow with my husband’s answer to the question: Do you feel guilty about hurting your spouse by being polygamous?