Polygamy and Blasphemy

Islamic advocates of polygyny fail to understand why westerners not only dislike polygyny, but oftentimes hate it. They fail to understand that to a westerner, polygyny is blasphemy, of the worst kind.

To christians, marriage is a sacrament, a holy act. A husband and a wife become one flesh when entering into the holy state of matrimony. Christians believe it is a sacred covenant and the marriage ceremony is a sacred ceremony and assembly before God. As the church is the bride of Jesus, the woman becomes the bride of the husband. It is a holy and sacred union before God. To Catholics, it is eternal, inextricable.

Until the 1960’s, a couple who were divorced would be shunned by society and regarded as social lepers. The Catholic church does still not accept divorce, it simply does not exist since marriage is sacred.

Thus, westerners with a view on marriage based on christian tradition oftentimes feel a slight contempt towards islamic marriage. A contractual agreement on cohabitation and financial issues that is easily dissolved by simply uttering the words “I divorce you” is far from the sacred matrimony of the christian church. So many westerners don’t really regard islamic marriages as marriages at all, simply as contractual co-habitation under rules that make women slaves to their husbands, not least sexually.

Polygyny in itself is a horrible slight to the christian concept of holy matrimony. To defile the sacred union between husband and wife, the exclusive and holy wedlock, is blasphemy to christians and westerners with beliefs based on christianity. Islamic polygyny is blasphemy.

Islamic advocates of polygyny often wonder why people who are against islamic polygyny bother about the choices muslims make. Why not simply let muslims practice polygyny should they choose to? Even in the West where it is a crime? Why bother reading blogs and islamic web-sites about polygyny, why write hateful posts?

The answer is simple: because islamic polygyny to a democratic westerner or a christian is blasphemy of the worst kind. To practice islamic polygyny in the West is like painting a picture of the prophet Muhammad on a quran, carrying it into a mosque simply to ostentatiously piss on it. Repeatedly.

Would the islamic ummah of the world keep silent if westerners started making piles of pictures of the prophet and qurans in the streets only to piss on them? So why be surprised if democratic and equal westerners won’t keep silent when muslims piss on holy matrimony?

Perspective

398px-Candle

A rough morning at work, I came home totally knackered after a late lunch.

I had a call from one of my best friends, her mother had just been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. I felt at a loss for words – how does one help a friend with that? Knowing that you will slowly and painfully lose your mother while still having her in your life, a walking shadow, just thinking about it makes me want to cry.

As you know, I lost my parents in a car crash. It was horrible. But I wonder if I wasn’t the lucky one compared with my friend. In my mind, my parents are young and active, my last mental images of them are happy ones.

I texted Graham, he’s off on a business trip, won’t be home until late tomorrow night.

Mark looked very tired when he left for work in the morning. I had planned to cook him a nice meal, but I simply can’t find the energy. I’ll get us some take outs and we can watch QI.

We could both need a laugh.

My Husband’s Second “Wife” is in Iddah

ThreeringsI showed Mark the nasty e-mail from #2.

I did it simply because I have decided there must be an end to secrets, deception and manipulation. Everything on the table from here on.

He just sat there silently reading then he hunkered down and sat for a long while with his face in his hands, saying nothing.

Then he up and left.

I started folding laundry, stood in the utility room and tried to keep my mind blank.

He came home again 45 minutes later and called me out to the kitchen. He had his laptop and he said he was going to Skype with #2 and tell her he is giving her talaq. I asked him to give it more thought, because I felt I didn’t want to be the one pushing him to do this, but he said he’s done thinking. He said he wanted to Skype with her, and he wanted me to be there, to hear everything that was said.

I agreed.

So he Skyped her.

He told her he wanted a divorce. He said he understood that her situation is difficult, but he said that his infertility can be used as her public excuse to get a divorce – even in Arabic society nobody blames the woman if she divorces a husband who can’t father children. He told her she can keep the mahr – £ 50 000.  He also said that he will agree to keep paying for her keep at his aunt’s for as long as she wishes.

And then the surprise: He told her that his father has agreed to act as her wali and try to find a new husband for her. He will vouch for the fact that my husband’s infertility is the cause of the divorce and he will use his contacts to try and find her a good husband in Oman, so she won’t have to go back to Yemen.

My husband must have been thinking about this for a long time, even planning for it. =0

#2 was crying and lamenting but in the end I think she felt that this is as good a deal as she’ll get. It’s a chance to be happy.

She was crying a lot and he was comforting her. It hurt a lot to hear them speak of how much they love each other, how much it hurts to see it end like this… 😦

And then he asked her to fetch his aunt and her friend to the computer. When they were there, he gave her talaq with the three of us as witnesses.

So here we are.

We made love last night and I went to sleep in his arms. But I woke up after a while and found him gone. He was sitting in the drawing room in front of the fire, crying his eyes out. He’d left as to not wake me up. I took him back to bed and held him until he fell asleep.

We haven’t mentioned it at all today. It feels a bit like walking on thin glass.

I feel so sorry for him. And you know, in a way I feel sorry for her too.

Do you feel Guilty about Hurting you Spouse by being Polygamous? Part 2

Wedding_rings_photo_by_Litho_PrintersI asked my first husband to answer the same question – Do you feel Guilty about Hurting you Spouse by being Polygamous? This is what he says:

Yes I feel guilty. I have always felt guilty.

I felt guilty when I started thinking about polygyny. I felt like a creep for even considering it. When I started to understand that I wanted it, that I felt I needed it, the guilt hit me like a ton of bricks. It’s difficult to explain but the thought, the desire, once established is like a drug like an addiction. I couldn’t stop thinking about it, wanting it. I felt I wanted to be needed again, I wanted to have somebody dependent on me, somebody to love and care for. And yes, I wanted to experience the thrill of infatuation again. The thought of two women, two different women was intoxicating. The desire was like a drug. I couldn’t give it up. I looked at my wife and I knew it would almost kill her and I felt extremely guilty. But my desire was so great, I made myself believe what many of my brothers told me, that she would come around and accept it, that she would come to appreciate her time off, that polygamy could add new spice to our relationship. I believed it because I wanted to believe it.

But I did it behind her back because the guilt was agonizing.

And when I told her, my world fell apart just as hers did. I was shocked by the violence of her reaction. If I could have undone everything I would have. But I was already married again, responsible for a young woman’s life and happiness. There was no turning back. If there are any men out there reading this, considering polygamy – please believe me – there is nothing as awful as doing it behind your first wife’s back Her pain, my guilt – we both went through hell. I’m no monster. I don’t know how many times I took the car out to the first exit off M6 and parked and sat there screaming and crying with the pain and guilt of having left Fiona silently shivering, staring at the wall in our dark bedroom with a bucket beside the bed in case she wouldn’t make it to the bathroom.

The time I came home and found she had cut herself and was bleeding all over, I would have done anything to turn back time and be rid of my second marriage. But I couldn’t divorce #2. I was in love with my second wife. She needed me. She loved me. I had promised to care for her. She is so young, so vulnerable, so lovely – I still can’t stand the thought of losing her. And I couldn’t live without Fiona.

So I live with the guilt. I’m somehow glad Fi’s second marriage has given me a chance to atone for what I’ve done, I think it’s a test I deserve.

Should I Avoid becoming Pregnant when my Husband has become Polygamous? Q&A

5758f-moveQuestion: Hello Fiona! I read your blog every day but I have not write before. I have finded so much here and help me cope with situation. My husband marry again will soon be six month ago. I did not know this before he tell me he be gone a week with new wife after nika. You know the pain and the sick you get so I don’t must tell you. It has been terrible for me to live since then. I have not divorce because my husband say no but my sister tell me because I am so sick and can not get better feeling with polygamy and lose my hair and much weight and am sick all the time from sadness I can get khul from court. I have not decide yet what do. I hate polygamy Fiona. Is very disgusting and husband is disgusting. Maybe will be better but is not better now I have tride make better and pray much and try not think what husband do and with her but I hurt so much. My husband want relations with me often and is difficult for me because of the hurt. I am also afraid of pregnancy. I have not children but is my dream to have children me and husband only be married 14 months and I wanted children. But now I not know if I want pregnant with him because of polygamy. Maybe better divorce? I not want children with polygamy I know it is the baddest thing for children to have father with no money and no time for them and so is polygamy. And I do not want pregnant divorce. But is haram to use things to not get pregnant without yes from husband. I want time to think and decide my life but husband often wants relations. What should I do Fiona? Should I refuse relations or use things against to be pregnant without to tell  husband or should ask divorce? Thank you Fiona.

Answer: Yes, I know the pain. Yes, I know about being sick, sick to the core of your being. I am sorry this is happening to you.

If you are disgusted by your husband, of course you shouldn’t have sexual relations with him. Tell him he disgusts you and you can’t bring yourself to touch him because it makes you sick just thinking about it. He must know and face the consequences of his actions. There are men who believe they can become polygamous without losing anything. They believe women must learn to share and be happy about it and they will just gain more sex, more love, more service et.c. It’s important you show your husband that you can never choose polygamy without losing things. E.g. the love of your first wife. Or all of her. Let him know how you feel. Do it calmly and politely. Sit down, look him in the eye and calmly tell him that he makes you sick. That you find him disgusting and despicable and that his touch makes you want to vomit. He needs to know.

Should you divorce? Well, can you? Do you have money, somewhere to stay? If you do, I believe  that yes, you should divorce. Your husband sounds like the worst kind of muslim polygamist, the kind that doesn’t ask his wife’s permission to become polygamous, the kind that doesn’t let her have a say at all, but expects her to suck it up when she is presented with the fact. So yes, I believe you must divorce him if you can.

You should definitely not become pregnant by him! No! No child should have such a father! Think about your child’s future. What kind of father would you want for it? Please, your husband has no right to have a child by you, he gave up that right when he married a second. And with you having been married for such a short time! He sounds like the typical muslim polygamist who believes women are to be forced to obey their husbands and submit to their husbands. You shouldn’t allow that. And if you decide you can’t live polygamy, leaving your husband will be so much harder if you have a child. Please, you are still young (must be if you have only been married for such a short time I figure) – give yourself the opportunity to love and be loved by somebody who respects you, somebody who will cherish you and your children! Not somebody who breaks your heart and deceives you, abandons you to go and have sexual relations (and babies!) with another woman.

So get yourself some contraceptives while you’re making your mind up. And when you have summed up enough courage – leave the SOB!

Good luck!

I am Afraid to Ask for Divorce from my Polygamous Husband Q&A

84876-moveQuestion: Salam Fiona

Thank you for writing truths and honesty about polygamy. I am now soon also in polygamy and I can’t stand it. I have tried evrything to make my husband have mercy on me but I am fail with it he will marry soon another woman. I can not have this life. He is now buying things for her house and for her mahr in gold and is enjoying all so much with so much happiness and I am bleeding to death. He says I must love what Allah swt permits and understand a man needs many wifes to have sex and children. I say I will divorce but he says a woman who ask divorce because polygamy will never be allowed Jannah. Now I am afraid. His new marriage is taking my life and marriage happiness will it also take Jannah from me? I can not stay with my husband in this I am hating him so mutch and I can not almost look at him because he is doing this and is disgusting and I hate him. But I am afraid if I will end up in Jahannam. I ask at another forum and they said  even the smell of Jannah is denied the woman who asks divorce because of something Allah swt permits and I am cursed if I make my husband angry. What do you think? I am not ably to live with my husband and I wnat divorce but I am afraid. //Ayesha

Answer: Dear Ayesha,

I am not muslim. Some of the questions I get, like yours, are very difficult to answer because I’m not muslim. I know many scholars would give you the answer you say you got from an islamic web forum. That a woman can only be granted a divorce by a sharia court if she has a valid reason. Opposing something allah permits is not a valid reason. Hence, she won’t be granted a divorce, and even asking for one might cost her paradise according to a hadith. Other, more moderate, islamic web sites might say that she is in her right to ask for a divorce if her husband becomes polygamous, but trying to bear it and showing patience is much better and will give her great rewards from heaven. They are of course trying to guilt women into accepting polygyny so the patriarchal oppression of islamism can carry on.

There is no way a woman should be forced to stay with a husband who has tried to force her to live polygyny. Such a husband is a criminal, an abuser and oppressor and he is much more likely to go to hell than you are. That’s the way I see it.

What kind of god do you believe in, a god who will punish a faithful wife who is forced to leave her marriage because she can’t stand sharing the man she loves, or a god who will punish men who cause their wives the most excruciating pain and suffering by giving half their life to another woman, by fucking other women and in doing so desert their wives and children, abuse and oppress them and expose them to the risk of vd:s, and often also break the law of the country where they live? Honestly?

So my advice is go ahead and divorce your husband. Right now. Make sure you don’t become one of the women who are abused by forced polygyny! Make sure you don’t become one of the women who show men that they can go on forcing women to accept polygyny. Leave him now, and keep your soul and integrity intact!

Compulsion in Polygamy

MosqueThere is no compulsion in islam.

Still, thousands of women are forced to live polygamy against their will. Some of them are refused divorce by sharia courts who don’t think polygamy is a valid reason for a woman to want divorce, since polygamy is allowed. Others because they would loose their children if they left. Others because they have no means of survival outside marriage. Others again because divorce is considered a shame in many cultures and a woman can be ostracized or even killed by her family if she asks for a divorce.

But there is another kind of compulsion in polygamy too, I am told.

Polygamy of compulsion.

This is how a muslim scholar explains it:

It is your own fault that your husband doesn’t appear happy at home, shouts or becomes violent. This is because you don’t look after your husband and children properly; you don’t take care of the house properly. Come morning and the woman is out in the street, and that too without hijab, talking and laughing. In the afternoon the husband returns home only to find a dirty house, a dirty wife and dirty children. There is no trace of any lunch. When faced with this situation, he is forced to consider re-marriage. He thinks that, perhaps, the second wife will keep his home; the children and herself clean, and prepare meals on time. When he re- marries, the first wife starts crying.

Ladies! Don’t become the cause of your own misfortune! If you make yourself a good housewife, take care of your husband, children and home properly, there will be no reason for your husband to re-marry. Times are such that the husband can barely afford one wife, how will he support the second wife. Inspite of this if he re-marries, it is your own fault – you neglected to look after him, forcing him to re-marry. This is termed as marriage of compulsion. (Source: http://www.al-islam.org/islamicfamily-life/16.htm)

Women are forcing their husbands to marry a second wife. If the husband comes home in the afternoon and no dinner is ready, he has no alternative but to marry a second wife. If the wife goes out and spends some time with her friends, she is forcing her poor husband to remarry because he might come home and the house hasn’t been hoovered that day. The poor guy has no other way out then to run off and get himself another wife. Even though he can’t afford it.

It’s your own fault if your husband has to marry a second wife!

It is your own fault if your husband shouts and becomes violent, if he uses his permission to beat you!

If you ever claim the right to have friends, you will neglect your husband and he must marry more wives. If you ever go for a walk your husband might come home and your not around for him to have sex. He might have to wait ten minutes, maybe even half an hour. Can’t you see that forces him to get another wife? Or three? And what if you ever did something for yourself and skipped cooking for a day. What if your husband comes home and there is no warm dinner!? Of course, he has no choice but to marry another wife. Or two or three.

It’s your own fault if your husband is forced to re-marry!

Doesn’t it just break your heart, all these muslim men who are forced by their wives to re-marry, to suffer in polygyny?

Polygamy is Painful

S%C3%A9pulcre_Arc-en-Barrois_111008_12A woman who had been forced to live polygamy described it as the most painful thing. She wrote:

I really don’t know anything more hurtful than a man claiming he loves you only to say the same words to another woman.

These words went straight to my heart. They are so true. It’s not that he has betrayed you that hurts the most, nor that he has broken your heart. What hurts is that he claims he loves you.

One of my best friends had a husband who cheated on her. When she confronted him, he said he had kept it from her because he didn’t want to divorce because of the children. he said that he didn’t love her anymore.

She was badly hurt of course, and they got divorced. But when she and I talk about our experiences, she says she would go through her divorce 100 times rather then experience one day of what I went through when my husband told me he had taken a second “wife”. Why? Because she knew her husband was a cheat and a liar, because he didn’t care for her any more or what she felt. She could understand it. She could cut the ties and move on.

In polygamy, a husband says “I still love you” or sometimes even “It makes me love you more”. This is the real pain. This is what makes you sick to the stomach.

Causing somebody the worst of pains when you don’t love them anymore is understandable. Doing it to somebody you love is sick. Sick, warped and nauseating.

This is why a cheating spouse is understandable although despicable. This is why a man who uses religion to cause his wife the utmost of suffering, to force her to submit to his right to fuck another woman, love another woman, give her half his time, half his money, half his semen, is the worst kind of abuser.

I really don’t know anything more hurtful than a man claiming he loves you only to say the same words to another woman.

Polygamy – New Drama

NiqabpureSo, my husband’s #2 is freaking out.

Obviously, my walking in on their little cyberwhoopee the other day made her little head explode.

She is now demanding my husband divorce me, or somehow enable her to get a new visa to come back to the UK – or else she is threatening to go to a sharia court and have her “marriage” to my husband dissolved by khula.

😀

Just to remind you, her student’s visa was revoked, because she flunked her course!! She failed her exams and didn’t dare tell my husband so he could help her until it was too late and she had already been kicked out and told to go home. She’s not only stupid you see, she”s daft too. 🙂

So there’s no way my husband can arrange for her to get another student’s visa, and of course he can’t get her one by marrying her, because he would never divorce me, and a nikkah obtained while living in the UK would never be accepted here.

My husband has told her over and over, ever since day one, that he would never divorce me. But as so many second wives, she is deluding herself into believing that somehow he will change his mind.

When she was thrown out of England, my husband offered her talaq. She refused. Now, she’s threatening with khula….

So my husband wrote to her last night that by all means, go for a khula. So now she’s bombarding him with texts: Don’t you love me anymore? Don’t you want me? Do you abandon me? 🙂 🙂 Gee!

It gets to him though. He really doesn’t want to hurt her. This is wearing him very thin. So I told him he can have the day to sort things out with her, I’ll go to the Chilterns and stay with Graham instead and come back tomorrow. Fine by me. I told him however, I’ll be expecting a sincere apology from her, for interfering in my marriage and for invading my house and my time.

Is it my Right to Divorce my Husband when he takes Another Wife?

imagesIn islam, many scholars claim that a woman has no right to a divorce on the grounds of polygyny. Having a husband who states that he wants a new wife, or a husband who says he is marrying a new wife next week, or a husband who tells you that he married another woman last year, is not grounds for divorce. Islam thus forces women to live polygyny, making them prisoners of their husbands.

Some scholars claim that a woman can stipulate in the marriage contract that she must be allowed a divorce if her husband decides to remarry. She has no right to hinder him, but she would then have the right to divorce. Other scholars however claim that such a clause would be void, since nobody can make unlawful what allah has made lawful. So such a contract really gives a woman no rights at all.

In most muslim countries, women who want to divorce are considered sinners and social lepers. Leaving is simply not an IRL option.

Islamic websites more often than not make women responsible for the family break up, if they decide to leave husbands who marry more women, teenage girls, children of nine, and force their first wives to live most of the time alone with their babies and even with small, sick children, while they are off fucking their child brides.

Even moderate, western islamic websites put the burden on women in these cases. This is what it might sound like:

Sister, it is clear that one should not ask for a divorce as soon as her husband announces he wants to marry a second wife. If he has gone ahead with the second marriage, do your best to continue to make your marriage happy and do not create problems between him and his second wife. If you act sullenly or angrily with him, he might well divorce you.

And if you want a second husband – go ahead!! Your husband has already proven that he doesn’t give a shit about your feelings, and that he is in favour of polygamy, so go ahead! Marry somebody else! Fuck them as often as you can, as soon as you hub is out of the house! Let him know, and make sure he understands he’s not to be upset or angry since polygamy is halal, and he should not try to cause difficulties between you and your second, third or fourth husband or else you’ll divorce his ass!

If he has not yet married the second one but has only voiced his intention, you could calmly ask him to delay the decision for two or three months. He may change his mind after considering his situation, but if you react with anger he may go ahead and marry the second one immediately to get back at you.
During that interval, ask yourself if there is anything wrong with your marriage that would make him want to take a second wife. Sometimes when men say they want another wife, they really mean that they have a problem with the first. They might then take a second wife with the thought that that will make the problem better. If you find that the two of you need to work to improve your own marriage, then seek the advice of family, pious friends, or professional counselors.

Make sure your husband stays calm when you tell him you’re dating and looking for new husbands. Tell him it makes you happy, and his duty is to make you happy. If he gets angry, then go off and marry others, fuck them and make sure they give you what you want! Tell him the reason you’re looking for other men is that he’s a real sucker for a husband, no good in bed, no good at anything and your only keeping him around as a commodity. Tell him to take a cooking class, to learn how to arrange flowers, to do some kama sutra – something to make him worth while. Tell him to go to a councillor if he has a problem with any of that!

And he might not change his mind but go ahead with the second marriage. Then, my advice is as before: pray for patience and make an effort to make your marriage happy.

The best way is to have the lovers on hold, ready to go if this sucker proves himself to be such an ass! Go ahead! Marry all the husbands you want, get laid the way you want – see if your husband really is man enough to eat what he serves, and love for his brother what he loves for himself! If not – good riddance! 😀

And make sure you pray for patience brother!