How to Cope With Polygamy

5758f-moveA lot of people who come to this blog do so after googling “How to cope in polygamy”. I get like 10 people every day who google coping with polygamy in my stats. It breaks my heart.

So here’s a post to all of you copers out there:

If you are looking for a way to cope with polygamy, that in itself proves to me that you should get the hell out of that polygamous marriage! Leave! Now!

Marriage should never be about coping.

Marriage should be about living life to the full, about love and trust, equality and happiness. Marriage should be about friendship, laughter, caring for each other, honesty, about being that one person to each other who is always there for you who is always ready to put your happiness above his or her own.

Marriage should never be about coping.

So if you came here looking for advice about how to cope with polygamy, here it is:

Don’t.

Leave, and allow yourself the opportunity to find a real marriage. A real relationship.

Don’t ever let anybody force you into believing you are worth anything less.

Polygamy Prison

S%C3%A9pulcre_Arc-en-Barrois_111008_12Hello

I am sorry if I tell a long story but I think I must explain some to make my point. I am English but of Pakistani descent. I got married to my cousin when I was only 18, it was a marriage my parents decided but it was not forced I was really happy to marry somebody I knew and felt safe with and I was happy to have a family within my own. We had a good marriage I thought and two children and we moved to another city but my husband still allowed me to work and visit my family and I was happy in all. But then my husband started to act different. He came late from work and sometimes called and had strange reasons for staying away and he also was distant and moody. I thought maybe it was trouble at work and that he had to work harder and so tried to be supportive and not ask and nag. But then one day he told me he had married another woman. At first he did not want to tell me much he just said he did not want to answer any questions but bit by bit I understood that he had always married me most for family even though he was happy with me but he had wanted more to fall in love and he had done so with this other woman. I can’t tell you how this felt to me. Maybe we had not been falling in love but I had felt love was in our marriage and he said yes but not the love he wanted. We tried so many times to understand each other but he was guilty and angry and I was angry and so sad and we just never made an end of it and I just came more and more to hate him and he stayed more and more with the other wife and I was happy for him to stay away. But he would not divorce me he said he would never shame our family so and would not divorce me. He would also not give me Khul. I read here and many places that people say women can get khul but khul is only possible if the husband says yes. My husband would not accept mahr back and khul. So I applied for faskh. That is divorce against my husband’s will. I went to the Muslim Arbitration Council. It was three years ago. I am still not divorced. I have been to five mediations and my husband refutes valid ground for faskh and I have been given different tasks of making my husband happy with me to make our marriage work, to pray certain special duaas, to meet with counsellors and so on. I have been told I am not allowed to leave my husband’s house until faskh has been granted. I have been twice in talks about khul but my husband refuses. Now I am still married to him and the council has aksed me to enter more proof of physical abuse, of not being maintained or of my husband having deserted me or being unable in intimacy. Otherwise I can not get faskh. So I am still here in this prison marriage with my polygamy husband who is saying this is a lesson to me that polygamy is allowed and I have nothing. I would ask this blog to caution all women that they must make sure in written in nikah contract that they are allowed talaq if the husband is polygamus and also that the wife has a right to have delegated talaq.

In the UK it doesn’t matter that women can divorce, because they will not get an Islamic divorce. Please help me get this told. Please. Thanks.

How do I Win a Man’s Heart When I’m In Polygamy?

wives7Question:

Hi Fiona!

 

Love your blog! I married a man who was already married. We are both muslim and I’m trying to become more pious to find peace in polygamy because it really is hard! I thought that my husband would become infatuated with me, and that I would be special. But it’s not happening. He is always sharing his time and everything absolutely equal and he snubs me when I call on her time for something or if I question his love for me. He says I must be content with what I have and that he will never love one of us more. It hurts so much because I don’t want to be one of many, I want to be special. Just like he is special to me. So I wonder, how do I win my man’s heart?

//Farah

Answer:

You can’t.

His heart wasn’t yours to win, nor his to lose. He has already decided that nobody will be special in his life, no love will be special, you will all just be one of many. He decided never to give special love, or all of his love, while demanding it from you. That is what you accepted when you became a second wife. The sad thing is that by doing so, you aided and abetted him in reducing his wife from special to one of many.

 

A Helping Hand

gg4603327My cousins and I have decided to offer some of the cottages on my grandparents’ estate as housing for refugees. The estate now belongs to my cousins, but they wanted us all to agree on this. And we do. They are now in contact with the government.

With the situation being what it is, there is no alternative but to offer a helping hand to those in need. I can’t even imagine the desperation that makes people put the lives of their children in the hands of villains with rafts heading out to the Mediterranean Sea. We must do what we can to offer these people a chance to build a new life, and make sure nobody has to die on the way here. Every dead child is a stab at the heart of mankind.

I have also made a large contribution to Doctors without borders. In the refugee camps in e.g. Lebanon, they are calling out for medicines, let’s at least try to keep people from dying because there is no penicillin! 😦

This is a perfect time to prove what democracy really stands for.

I read New Zeeland are now preparing to receive refugees, but they will not allow anybody in who is either in any way connected to IS or a polygamist. Obviously they consider these two equally bad…

What say you?

Children Have Two Parents in Polygamy Too.

flatThere was a muslim woman in the US, when she married she had a clause in her nikah-contract saying that if her husband were to choose to be polygamous, which she was ok with, she would be the one to decide on living arrangements for the family within the financial frame her husband set and provided she was fair.

So when her husband announced he was getting married again, the first wife was told how much money she could spend and set about arranging housing for them all.

The day before her husband’s second nikah, the first wife met up with her husband and the wife to be. She took them to a big, beautiful house and told them this was the family home. The husband would live there, together with the children, and the wives would take turns in the house, each having a master bedroom of her own to share with the husband. The wives got a small flat each to live in on their days alone. The first wife let the second wife have first pick from two small flats.

The husband couldn’t find fault with the arrangement since it was all fair, and done according to the clause in the nikah-contract.

The first wife explained that her intent was to make sure all her husband’s children would grow up as brothers and sisters in a family, and with full access to two parental figures – half the time mom and dad, half the time dad and tia. She didn’t want the children to grow up without their half-siblings and she didn’t want the children to spend half their childhood with a de facto single parent.

This arrangement also meant that the husband could never escape from his responsibilities as a father. He had to take full responsibility every day, all day, for all his children. The mothers got to know and love each other’s children.

The husband was somewhat taken aback by it all. In stead of going off on honeymoon with his new wife, the newlyweds got to move into a house full of children while the first wife went to a spa. And the husband never gets time off, while each wife can spend every three days doing what she wants, studying, resting, going to museums or to the cinema…

I think this is a good example of how we must learn to think differently, to question old ideas about gender and how things are done. Muslim men might claim a right to polygyny, but they have no right whatsoever to be absent, half time dads.

Post From a Muslim Man in Polygyny.

I have rights, you don't

I have rights, you don’t

You stupid fucking bitch!!!

The way you’re going on and bitching about polygamy don’t you UNDERSTAND it’s a MAN’s RIGHT in shariah to marry women up to four and what YOU’RE doing is UNNATURAL and you’re an ABOMINATION!!!!

You stupid WHORE!!! Now my wife has gone fucking MAD and says she WILL DO TO ME WHAT I DID TO HER and she’s fucking looking for men on the internet and of course there are plenty out there wanting a woman who is married because it suit there BLOODY search for sex like all men here in the UK so she might well find somebody so now I cant visit my other wife and our life is a BLOODY MESS because of YOU!!! Everything you write are DIRTY FILTHY LIES and don’t you stop and think that you DESTROY PEOPLE’S LIVES and if my wife finds another man and he touches her I WILL FUCKING ***** YOU!!! BITCH!!! You put crazy things in women’s head so they cant accept men’s rights and you give them FILTHY images of us and our other wives and my wife has gone MAD because of it and it’s your FAULT now that my other wife is alone and crying and afraid because I can’t come to her because I can’t leave my wife on her own because I have found sites where she has found men who want an affair and she’s bloody saying she’ll go through with it because I did and she won’t be alone when I leave her so I can’t leave her so my life is fucking falling apart and it’s YOUR FUCKING FAULT!!!!

BITCH!!!!

Answer: Oh dear. Did this text really come out the way you wanted it to? Read it and think about it for a while.

Islamic Polygyny – A Stanford Prison Experiment

The Stanford Prison Experiment is a world famous, or infamous, psychology study, meant to research into how people react in a game of dominance/submission.

Ordinary, sane and well educated middle class young men volunteered and were selected for the experiment. Nine were to be prisoners, nine were guards. The guards were instructed to try and rob the prisoners of their individuality and to break them into submission using special clothing and mental force. The Experiment has been analyzed in oh so many ways, but what is obvious is that the prisoners submitted to abuse and their personalities changed into passive submission with bouts of angst and rebellion. The guards quickly grew more and more aggressive in their treatment of the “prisoners”, and they soon started to behave like their superiors, their torturers.

Islam, and islamic polygyny in particular, is simply the Stanford Prison Experiment turned into religion. One group of people are told that they are the guards, with a degree over the other group, and the other group are told that they are the wards of the Guards, that they must obey every order and that they have no right over their own bodies but must have sex whenever so ordered, and become pregnant whenever so ordered et.c. The guards are told that they are allowed to starve and beat the wards if they are disobedient. The guards and prisoners are also told that the prisoners must wear clothes that hide their “shame” (awrah) from the world, and take their identity away.  In islamic polygyny, the Guards are told they can marry plural women without telling their other “wives” or asking their permission, and they are told that they can discard these women when they want, simply by uttering a couple of words. The Prisoners are told that they must submit and obey, and they can not leave if they aren’t set free by their Guards or by the Prison Council.

So – islam and islamic polygyny is nothing but a huge Stanford Prison Experiment. (SPE).

I read a blogpost the other day, where a muslim woman asked why so many men abuse polygyny. The answer is simple – these men are humans. And the SPE shows clearly exactly why muslim men abuse polygyny – because they can. Muslim men abuse women in polygyny for exactly the same reasons nazis abused jews. Muslim polygyny, the SPE, and the Holocaust are all based on the same principle – a person who believes he is above another person, the guard, the power – will abuse it. The SPE Prison Guards enjoyed being better, being above, being in power and they used it. This is exactly what muslim men are doing in polygyny. The muslim polygynists are simply nazis, or SPE Prison Guards.

Do you really think that you can tell a man “You are the head of your wife. She must obey your every order. You have a right to chastise her if she disobeys you. You have a right to strike her. She must have sex with you whenever you command. You have a right to take other women without asking her or telling her. You have a right to keep her locked up in your home. You have a right to demand she never shows her face to anybody but you. If she disobeys you, she will go to hell for it” – without seriously corrupting this man????

Islam, polygyny, SPE – why on earth do muslim women wonder about why muslim men abuse polygyny??! The answer is obvious.

Q&A First Wife’s Rights Concerning STD:s in Polygamy

Alexander_Caldcleugh_-_Peruvian_MuslimahAssalamu alaikum

My husband is about to get married to a second wife. I have agreed and we have drawn up rules about schedule, housing, money and so on. I can not say I am happy about this but due to some circumstances I have agreed to polygamy. The woman my husband will marry is the daughter of a businesspartner and it will be very beneficial to my husband and I also believe my husband is much attracted to her from how he talks of her. My father has made sure the terms will be just and fair. But we all agreed on having our health checked before marriage. My husband and I both have a clean bill of health but it turns out this woman he intends to marry has HPV of the kind that can give cervical cancer. She is a virgin but when checked her mother has it too, and must have infected her daughter.

My father and I now demand my husband not marry this woman. My husband refuses as says there is no shariah rule that says we can make polygamy haram on him. He has even had an imam come to my family and say we can not give conditions because it is not the sunnah.

My father is now demanding I ask for khula. I don’t want it. I want to live with my husband and our child and all of this to go away. But my husband is adamant he will marry this woman and have unprotected sex with her.

What should I do? What can I say to my husband to soften his heart?

I thnak you if you could help me please.

How Can a Polygamous Husband Protect His Family?

Woman_in_niqab,_Aleppo_(2010)A Yemeni merchant decided he wanted a second wife. He was happy with his first wife and they had a beautiful girl of 5 and a fine baby boy together, but he thought he had the right and the money to get a new wife.

His wife begged him not to go through with it. She pleaded with him that he should have mercy on her and her children who needed their father, loved him. She implored him not to forsake half of their lives together and cried and prayed, but to no avail. The husband was so excited about being able to have a new, young wife that he was unable to show mercy, or remember how much he loved his wife.

The husband had found a young girl whose father was willing to give her to the merchant in exchange for a substantial mahr. The husband made sure his wife had food and everything else she and the children might need and told her he’d call every day to make sure his family was ok, and if anything happened, they could go to her parents with his permission. He said he’d be back in 8 days. And he married his new bride and they took off on their honeymoon.

They spent their honeymoon in a hotel in Aden. The husband was intoxicated by the new feeling of being allowed to be intimate with a young woman, other than his first wife. He savoured being able to fall in love with a girl, being able to have his way with her. But he remembered to phone home every evening to his weeping wife, to check on his family.

On the fourth night of the honeymoon, June 29 2015, the husband and his new woman had just returned to their hotel room after dinner when the phone rang. The husband was surprised that anybody would call so late, and he had already spoken to his wife earlier that evening, but he saw now that it was his wife calling. He became nervous, and answered the phone.

“Somebody is breaking in to the house!” he could hear his wife scream. She kept screaming and crying while the husband said he would call the police using the hotel phone so he could keep his wife on the line. While he spoke to the police who were slow in answering and even slower in understanding what he was saying and finally promising they would send a car over, eventually, he could hear a loud crash as somebody came in through the door of his home. He could hear his wife and children scream. When the police finally promised they would send somebody he could already hear his daughter being raped while his wife screamed and begged for mercy.

The husband had a dead phone in one hand, because the police hung up on him. In the other hand he had the mobile phone and without being able to do anything he could hear how three men laughed, grunted, and cheered each other on while they ravaged his daughter in front of her mother’s eyes, and how they later started to rape the mother too. The men were laughing while the little girl was screaming out for her father to help her, again and again and again. Finally, after an eternity, he heard five shots.

When the police finally arrived, they found the little boy dead, shot through the head. The mother and the little girl were dead too – they had both been shot, once through the anus, once through the head.

“Men are the protectors and maintainers of women”  An Nisa 4:34

“Islam permits a man to marry another woman while taking care of the first if she chooses to stay with him. One can clearly see that there are many benefits which result from the allowance of polygamy.” Islamreligion.com

Who is the Second Wife in Polygamy?

There are women in this world who choose to “marry” a married man.

There are people in this world who claim this is a “right” women have.

Who “marries” a married man?

Islam respects women

Islam teaches that we should want for our brothers and sisters what we want for ourselves. Muslim scholars all agree that the reason why islam does not require permission from the first wife for a man to go ahead and marry a second is that no man would ever be allowed to marry a second wife since no sane woman would be willing to share her husband (Quote from muslim scholar.)

Hence: A second wife is a woman who is breaking one of the most important rules of islam. A second wife is somebody who does not wish for her sister what she wishes for herself – a happy marriage and a husband she can trust.

Islam teaches that muslims should treat each other honourably and honestly. Research proves that most polygamous marriages today are secret, and began with an illicit affair turned into polygamy when the husband was found out.

Hence: A second wife is a woman who desecrates islam by not treating her mellow muslimah honourably and honestly. Most second wives are also whores, since they start out having an affair with the man they eventually “marry”.

When questioned, second wives give as their number one reason for marrying a married man that they fell in love with him. It is also common that they say that the man promised to divorce the first wife after the second “marriage”. The rest of the second wives say that they wanted the man’s money, perhaps they were divorced and wanted a husband or the guy was rich.

Hence: A second wife is a whore and a common prostitute. A second wife in islamic polygyny is a person who spits on the words of the prophet that no woman ever should ask for another woman to be divorced.

A second wife is a greedy whoring munafiq.