Polygamy, and the Nature of Man and Woman: Part 2

Taliban_beating_woman_in_public_RAWAOne of the most frequent lies from muslim polygamy apologists is that polygyny is natural based on the differences between the sexes. The topic has been discussed on this blog several times, proving the absurd falsehood of this argument.

A muslim scholar wrote:

Lastly, there is the component of rebellion. It is human nature on part of man that he simply cannot tolerate someone else having conjugal relationships with his wife. In the case of polygyny, the jealousy of a woman is curbed by the leadership of her husband. In polyandry however, both men are on equal footing. As has been noted above, besides gender any other impartial variable available is absent which gives rise to a vacuum ready to be filled with adversity. When women fight, they pull each other’s hair. When men fight, they go to war.

A woman can not tolerate someone else having conjugal relationships with her husband either. It is inherently evil to us, disgusting and nauseating. Women “tolerate” it on the same basis people tolerate being beaten, raped, enslaved. Women tolerate it to survive. Women tolerate it in order to keep from going insane. Women tolerate it out of fear. Women tolerate it to be allowed paradise after death since they are doomed by polygyny to live in hell here on earth.

If a man is chained to a wall, physically or psychologically, he “tolerates” somebody making love to his wife too, even while he is obliged to watch.

That’s the basic truth.

“The jealousy of a woman is curbed by the leadership of her husband”. How, may I ask? How did the mere presence of my husband’s leadership curb my jealousy? Did you, dear scholar, ask any women about this? Any single woman? Because this is such major BS I can’t believe you managed to get it out of your head and down on paper. It isn’t “the leadership of her husband” that makes a woman try to survive polygyny. Nor is it her love for her husband. Do you want to know what it is?

“When women fight, they pull each other’s hair. When men fight, they go to war.”. This is actually an argument in favour of polyandry and against polygyny. Yes, men go to war. Men kill each other. Men beat and kill women. So, any loving and wise god would make MEN submit to polyandry and sharing and working on their lower instincts, since they are obviously the ones who need it!

The falsehoods, misogyny, heresy and sanctimoniousness of muslim scholars never ceases to amaze me.

But even more, it amazes me that women buy into this nauseous toxic goo.

“She Should Have Married Both!”

My daughter was staying over with me in London with a couple of friends the other night. They were talking about a TV show called “Bachelorette”. Obviously a young woman starts dating something like 15 men, and in each show somebody is eliminated and in the end she must choose between the final two. By that time of course, after dating and intimacy over a period of time, they all have strong feelings for each other.

My daughter and her friends were talking about a season finale. The girl was apparently deeply in love with both remaining men, and both men came to her to propose. She ended up dissing a man she had made love to, and confessed to being in love with. My daughter and her friends were all “Oh she should have kept Nick, he was much cuter and nicer, or she should have kept both. Yeah, she should have married both!!”

I’ve been browsing the net, and realize most people out there talking about this show seem to agree. They say, she should have kept both guys. And they say it because they saw that she was very much in love with both men, and they with her. I’ve even found women on a muslim web forum who say it!! And they do so intuitively, because of the romance and the love. Of course, they aren’t serious. But subconsciously, they recognize that it is not disgusting when a woman loves two men, is intimate with more than one man. No – it’s all in the packaging!

I know many friends of mine who have said the same about Love Actually, that Keira Knightley should have married both men. Because it’s so romantic….. It’s all in the packaging! It’s amazing really how islam manages to package polygyny as good, caring, moral and allowed while at the same time make polyandry out to be disgusting. And people buy into that, just like they buy into the newest fashion, or for that matter just like they bought into jews being untermensch during WWII.

I had a look at season 11 of The Bachelorette. It was fascinating. The thing that struck me the most is how the men there sound and act exactly like wives in polygamy. All the insecurities, the jealousy, the fighting over who is the favourite, while all the while having to force themselves to accept the situation with a smile, or else they’re out. So fascinating!! And perfect proof that everything muslim scholars try to deceive people into believing about the differences between men and women and our reactions to polygamy is an utter and blatant lie!!

Gee, I had no idea reality TV can be so enlightening!

 

The True State of Polygamy

imagesAs you probably know, my second husband Graham had a stroke a while back.

It has been scary, hurtful and it has opened our eyes to the value of life, just as it would have had our marriage been monogamous. But some of the issues we’ve had have been specific to polygamy.

I’ve been thinking a lot about the fact that one of my husbands could die, while I’m with the other husband. How would I feel if Graham had died from the stroke, while I had been off having a romantic night out with Mark, or making love to Mark? What would have happened if Graham had been all alone and unable to get help? What if he had been brain damaged, and the doctors had told me that if he had received help in time he would have been ok, but since he didn’t he’ll be living his life unable to communicate, eat or move…How would I live with that on my conscience?

I have realized that I can never be a half time wife to two husbands, I must be a full time wife to two husbands. There is no emergency I can decline attending to, there is no request I can turn down, there is no moment of sadness, loneliness or fear in my spouse that is not my responsibility to alleviate.

I have realized that had both my husbands had young children, I would have had to give up on polygamy. It would have been a 48 hours a day job, just to be a full time mother. No way could I have been a full time wife also. Any man who opts for polygamy with children in both his families does this knowing that he is forfeiting fatherhood and husbandhood in order to be polygamous. He chooses polygamy over his wives and children. Any spouse of such a man must be aware that this is his choice. Polygamy is more important to him than you are, than your children are.

It’s also been agonizing to see that my love for the other husband is still so painful to both my husbands. I think they’ve both lulled themselves into a calm life of make belief, where they both disregard my life with the other husband and my love for him. Like, each husband believes I have a love marriage with him, and a marriage of duty with the other. Ok, I can see how they build that scenario in their minds and hearts. But it keeps all the pain and hurt alive and raw, since all make belief  Potemkin villages are torn down and the truth comes out whenever life has me show my love openly.

You know, in one way or another, I believe the only way to survive when your spouse is polygamous is by building some kind of make belief around the whole situation. You make yourself believe you are the favourite. Or you make yourself believe that your spouse is just off to work when she/he is actually with another spouse. Or you make yourself believe this is what god wants. You make yourself believe you’ll be rewarded somehow if you can only make it through the day.

Polygamy is a matrix. It’s the Truman show.

 

Polygamy Hatred

1013483_354648064665525_279483948_nI get a lot of people who come here only to condemn my lifestyle, to tell me I’m going to hell and that my poor deluded muslim husband will join me there (obviously most of these people hate the fact that Mark has accepted my being polygamous while they don’t really care about Graham). One woman wrote me a whole load of e-mails telling me I’m tempting muslim women to be disobedient against the word of god, and their husbands which seems to be the same thing, and that I have fallen into the arms of Satan. After a long exchange we realized we both live in London. So, I offered to meet her. After a while she accepted. Last night we met at a coffee bar and talked. I was a bit nervous, I must admit.

She was a woman in her mid forties, Asian, and she wore a hijab. She seemed to be just as nervous as I was. We had a very interesting talk. She started out telling me that polygyny is difficult enough without people like me tempting women to question the word of Allah. She told me I made polygyny worse on women, not better. And she told me that she was worried that my muslim husband would end up in hell because he accepts being a cuckold.

I told her, my blog is about empowering women. It’s about letting women know that there are other ways to live your life, to survive polygamy, and to interpret the word of god. My husband has actually accepted that the quran allows polyandry. We have met other muslims who have too, after reading this blog. I told her this is about more than polygamy, it’s about human rights, about the right to be loved equally.

She asked me why I hated polygyny. I asked her why she hated polyandry. She answered: because it is disgusting and horrible and immoral and makes me sick to the stomach. I said that that’s exactly why I hate polygyny. What is inherently evil to you is inherently good to me and vice versa. Maybe we must just accept that somebody not agreeing with you doesn’t automatically make them evil, or stupid. We sat staring at each other. Finally she said: Ok, yes I see. I see what you mean.

So we talked. For a long, long time. And when we parted, she said that she could actually respect me and my choices. She could see that there are actually a lot of advantages to making muslim men aware of the power of women, and the fact that women can manage polygamy too. She giggled.

Polygamy is Not a Threesome

ThreeringsEach marriage is separate and unique.

I am my husbands’ wife. They are both, separately, married to me. My husbands are not polygamous, they both have monogamous marriages with me.

I try never to take anything with me from one marriage to the other. It’s difficult.

If I have had a conflict with one husband, it’s difficult to completely shut the door on it, and the bad temper, when I go to the other husband. If I’m worried about one husband, it’s difficult to hide it from the other.

Mark is having problems right now with the concern and worry I feel over Graham, what with the stroke and the depression and everything. And Graham is hurting over how our intimate life together has been disrupted by the stroke, and by his medicines. He’s jealous, and it adds to the depression.

Suddenly, I feel the urge to have my husbands talk this out together. Find the way back to seeing each other as friends, not as rivals. But they don’t want that.

They both say polygamy is my problem. I’m polygamous, they’re not.

Shock

ThreeringsGraham had a stroke.

It’s still difficult to write the words, even though it’s more than a week ago, and we know by now that he is going to be ok. It was only a grade 2 stroke, and he’ll be just fine.

But I’ve been so scared.

If I had lost him, life would have lost all luster. Oh my god.

They called me, and told me he was rushed to hospital. I was with Mark and he took me to hospital and I was so glad that he was there. We did this together, got through this together. Two nights ago I came into Graham’s room with three cups of coffee, just in time to hear Mark tell Graham that he had never realized before how important Graham is to him. That he is so happy to have him in his life.

How to Manage Polygamy? Q&A

ThreeringsI get a lot of email, asking questions about the practical everyday aspects of polygamy. I have collected some of the most common questions here.

  1. Do you love one of your husbands more than the other?

Yes. But not always the same husband. There are ups and downs in every marriage I believe. In polygamy, there seems to be some kind of natural law that when one husband is happy, the other one is not. And so I tend to love the happy husband more than the unhappy husband. I know it sounds awful, but polygamy is really hard work, so coming home to a bitter and resentful husband just bugs me.

2. Do you ever have sex with both your husbands on the same day?

Yes. It happens on most change over days actually. The husband I’m about to leave is often eager to have sex because he knows I’ll be gone for 3 days. And the husband I go to is happy to see me again:) So yes, it happens all the time. And no, it doesn’t make me feel dirty. It makes me feel happy and loved and fulfilled. And it’s an obvious sign that women are better suited to be polygamous than men, since I have no problem having sex twice a day, while most men simply wouldn’t be physically able to.

3. Do you compare your husbands?

Yes. All the time. There’s simply no avoiding it. When Graham laughs at a joke, I think “Mark wouldn’t have found that funny” When I see a film I think “I should have seen it with Mark, he would have liked it better” When I serve coffee, I think “Right…so Graham wants it black”. I compare the way they smile, the way they frown, the way they scold me. And yes, I compare them in bed. It is the most special and intimate part of marriage, so of course I compare. Don’t ever believe a polygamous man who says he doesn’t!

4. Can you be just and fair?

No. I can’t. I have tried my damndest, but it’s simply not possible. When both of them need me, I have to fail one. When I turn to one to give him a smile, I turn my back on the other. When I have to go away on business, I always end up hurting one of them because the schedule alters and upsets plans. My children love Graham and avoid Mark, so in order to spend time with my children, I have to favour Graham on holidays e.g. When I try to be fair by giving them both the same present, one of them loves it and the other one doesn’t. When I try to be fair by giving them different presents, they both feel they got the short end of the stick. There is simply no way to be just and fair. But to me, that’s just life. To a muslim man, it means going to hell 🙂 So again – it’s obvious Western women are made to be polygamous if they choose – muslim men aren’t.

5. Do you ever lie to your husbands, or can you be honest in polygamy?

I lie to them all the time. Every day when they ask me trivial things like “Isn’t this the best Rogan Josh you’ve had in ages” (No, the one I had with Mark last week was way better) “Do you even remember when you laughed as much”? (Yes, yesterday with Graham), “I bought you some tulips, I suppose you were longing for the first spring tulips?” (No, my other husband bought me some already) and so on. But worse than that – I have to lie when they spontaneously ask me things like after sex “Don’t you wish we could just stay like this forever” (No, because I want to be intimate with my other husband just as much). Yes, I lie to them constantly. The day you lose your spouse to polygamy, is also the day you lose the spouse you can trust, who will tell you the truth. If your spouse is polygamous you simply have to choose: be lied to or stop all kind of communication except about the weather or Jo Brand’s new hair.

6. Do you regret polygamy?

No, I don’t. Polygamy gave me Tamsin, my beautiful daughter. And Graham, whom I love with all my heart. But I can honestly say, that if I were the one who had chosen polygamy, I would never have been able to live with myself seeing the pain and suffering polygamy has caused my husbands. I would have killed myself, or died from shame and regret. But as it is, polygyny was forced on me, which meant polygamy became the only option for me to have a complete life. So Mark chose polygamy, and he has had to live with the consequences. That’s what made it possible for me to hold on to polygamy without letting his pain and suffering kill me. And Graham chose polygamy. So his pain hasn’t been all my fault either. But it hurts to see him suffer. Because honestly – there is no polygamy without pain and suffering. How men who choose polygyny, knowing their wives don’t have the same possibility, can live with themselves I simply cannot fathom. But of course, how anybody could buy a slave is beyond me too, still people do it. Anyway, knowing first hand how evil the pain and hurt is, I know there’s a special place in hell for polygynous men.

7. What do you love most about polygamy?

Being loved by two wonderful men. Having children with two wonderful men.

8. Would you recommend polyandry to other women?

Yes. If you’re strong and intelligent, and extremely well organized. And if both ( or more I suppose) men are willing. Nobody should ever force or coax an unwilling, reluctant or even hesitant spouse into a polygamous relationship. Ever. If there is the least doubt – don’t.

9. Do you have rules about phone calls, texts, e-mails etc on the other husband’s night?

Yes. No texts or phone calls unless absolutely necessary. Privacy is crucial. Only emergency calls are allowed. But I try to slip away so I can pay a short visit to the husband I won’t stay the night with (Mark lives in the house, Graham lives in the annex) and I always send a good night text.

10 How do you solve conflicts between your husbands?

I simply tell them I don’t accept any conflicts. There was a lot of back stabbing, manipulation and that kind of thing going on when I first married Graham. But I never allowed myself to be manipulated. I just kept to the ground rules. And most of the time, they managed to work things out between them without my help. Now, there aren’t any major conflicts any more.

Who is the Head of Your Polygamous Family? Q&A

921ce-keep-calm-and-you-can-do-it-13Good day and thank you for a very interesting blog.

Being muslim, I have some questions to the blogkeeper. I do not intend disrespect and I do understand if you find my questions too private. I respect of course if you do not answer anything that may be too close.

It seems to me in polygamy, somebody must be the leader. Somebody must have the final call if there are conflicts of wishes, time or jealousy. In Islam the man is the leader. He has the final say and it is his responsibility to keep peace and harmony in the marriages. I wonder, in your marriages, is this your role? Or are your husbands still the leaders in marriage? Maybe they solve conflicts between them since you live close together?

When your husbands want things that conflict, to whom do you submit? I see you have a child with your second husband, how would you have solved it if your first husband wanted a child too, at the same time?

If two wives argue and scream and threaten each other, the husband is always strong enought to make them calm down and give in to his will. What do you do if your husbands fight?

I am sorry if this question offends, but if both your husbands have wish for intimacy, does it not make you feel tired and worn out? And how can you cope with two men if they want you at the same time? And is it not embarassing to go to your one husband with plainly traces of ghusl so he can see what you have done with the other?

I truly wish you well. But I must say I find this way of living strange. Please forgive me.

Harish

How a Husband Should React when Faced With Polygamy

If I were to order anybody to do sudjud to another I would order husbands to prostrate before their wife, because of her immense rights over them.

If I were to order anybody to do sudjud to another I would order husbands to prostrate before their wife, because of her immense rights over them.

When the wise Sharee’ah deemed polyandry allowable, it enjoined the Muslim woman to treat her husbands on a footing of equality. The Quran allows women to marry as many husbands as they like, as long as they give themselves willingly, saying that married women are forbidden to men unless they choose to give themselves freely to a second, third, fourth, fifth…husband: “except those your right hands possess [This is] the decree of Allah upon you.”

In fact, there is no condition set by the Quran for the Muslim woman who chooses to practice polyandry. We know of no evidence suggesting that Islamic Sharee’ah obliges the wife to inform her first husband of her intention to have a second husband. Please refer to Fatwa 86395.

Refraining from informing the husband of the second marriage does not constitute deception on the part of the wife. She is entitled to marry another husband as per the Quran. In most cases, the greater interest entails that the wife does not inform the first husband of her intention to remarry so as not to hurt him and to spare him the unfavorable feelings of distress. This matter does not involve any tampering with the first husband’s feelings.

In fact, polyandry abounds in many benefits that should not be missed merely because of a given husband’s refusal or aversion towards the idea. A man is naturally averse to polyandry; however, it is not wise to let the husband’s innate aversion towards having co-husbands deny the wife the benefits of polyandry. For more benefit, please refer to Fataawa 86818 and 90132.

However, a Muslim husband should see this experience as any affliction that may befall him. If he is patient, this will be a cause for the raising of his rank and atonement of his sins. Please refer to Fatwa 83577 about the merits of patience.

If the wife informs her husband of her second marriage or he finds out about of it, it is not permissible for him to seek divorce merely because his wife has another husband. In stead, he should thank Allah for still allowing him to have a part of his wife. He should also put his heart and soul into serving his wife, pleasing and obeying his wife in every way, and giving his wife complete sexual satisfaction so as to keep his wife’s love, and make himself worthy of her protection.

And Allah knows best.

Islamic Polygyny – A Stanford Prison Experiment

The Stanford Prison Experiment is a world famous, or infamous, psychology study, meant to research into how people react in a game of dominance/submission.

Ordinary, sane and well educated middle class young men volunteered and were selected for the experiment. Nine were to be prisoners, nine were guards. The guards were instructed to try and rob the prisoners of their individuality and to break them into submission using special clothing and mental force. The Experiment has been analyzed in oh so many ways, but what is obvious is that the prisoners submitted to abuse and their personalities changed into passive submission with bouts of angst and rebellion. The guards quickly grew more and more aggressive in their treatment of the “prisoners”, and they soon started to behave like their superiors, their torturers.

Islam, and islamic polygyny in particular, is simply the Stanford Prison Experiment turned into religion. One group of people are told that they are the guards, with a degree over the other group, and the other group are told that they are the wards of the Guards, that they must obey every order and that they have no right over their own bodies but must have sex whenever so ordered, and become pregnant whenever so ordered et.c. The guards are told that they are allowed to starve and beat the wards if they are disobedient. The guards and prisoners are also told that the prisoners must wear clothes that hide their “shame” (awrah) from the world, and take their identity away.  In islamic polygyny, the Guards are told they can marry plural women without telling their other “wives” or asking their permission, and they are told that they can discard these women when they want, simply by uttering a couple of words. The Prisoners are told that they must submit and obey, and they can not leave if they aren’t set free by their Guards or by the Prison Council.

So – islam and islamic polygyny is nothing but a huge Stanford Prison Experiment. (SPE).

I read a blogpost the other day, where a muslim woman asked why so many men abuse polygyny. The answer is simple – these men are humans. And the SPE shows clearly exactly why muslim men abuse polygyny – because they can. Muslim men abuse women in polygyny for exactly the same reasons nazis abused jews. Muslim polygyny, the SPE, and the Holocaust are all based on the same principle – a person who believes he is above another person, the guard, the power – will abuse it. The SPE Prison Guards enjoyed being better, being above, being in power and they used it. This is exactly what muslim men are doing in polygyny. The muslim polygynists are simply nazis, or SPE Prison Guards.

Do you really think that you can tell a man “You are the head of your wife. She must obey your every order. You have a right to chastise her if she disobeys you. You have a right to strike her. She must have sex with you whenever you command. You have a right to take other women without asking her or telling her. You have a right to keep her locked up in your home. You have a right to demand she never shows her face to anybody but you. If she disobeys you, she will go to hell for it” – without seriously corrupting this man????

Islam, polygyny, SPE – why on earth do muslim women wonder about why muslim men abuse polygyny??! The answer is obvious.