My Beauty is Only For My Spouse

Both my husbands are very attractive men.

My first husband used to be boy-band material, a really pretty boy who turned into a very beautiful man. My second husband isn’t pretty at all, but very attractive in a more scruffy kind of way. I know that many women find them attractive.

Younger women seem to fancy my first husband. I can see how they look at him, smile, touch their hair. And he is very responsive to that, always has been. I know that he takes immense pleasure in being adored. Most women who show interest in my second husband are more of my own age. Intelligent, strong women who recognize an equal, and are attracted by that.

My two husbands?

My two husbands?

Most of the time, I quite enjoy it when other women show interest in my husbands. The admiring look, the cute smile. I take pride in being married to attractive men. I know, my husbands feel the same way when I get appreciation from other men.

But then I read blogposts from people discussing the hijab. They say things like “My beauty is only for my spouse”, “Modesty is the best character trait”, “A pearl must be hidden so nobody will try to steal it” “I won’t stoop to being a sex-object” “We must hide that which is most precious”. And I’m starting to think, maybe they are right.

I should tell my husbands to wear niqab, see how they feel about it. They shouldn’t be out there tempting other women with their beauty. And muslim men should definitely wear niqab – since they can go off and marry other women as they please there is an ever greater necessity to keep them out of tempting sight! Don’t they feel belittled by the way women check them out?

I’m going to have a talk about his with my two gems, maybe it’s time for them to become hidden?

3 Most Common Complaints in Polygamy

maleslaveWe have settled into a calm life of polygamy, plain sailing most of the time. The conflicts that do arise are mostly minor and easily settled. When my first husband was still with his #2 there were LOADS of conflicts all the time, every single mole hill turned into a mountain. Not so now. That just shows how important it is that polygamy is voluntary, just and equal. And it clearly shows that women don’t cope with sharing a spouse better than men – it’s all about how polygamy is done, not about gender.

Anyway, now and then we keep stumbling over minor issues, the typical complaints of polygamy. The most common complaints being:

1. Time issues. There is no way everybody concerned in polygamous marriage will be content with the division of time. Weekends, holidays, anniversaries… the best way to cope, for us anyway, has been to set a three day schedule (it used to be four, but we changed it because of Tamsin) and stick to it no matter what. In the beginning we allowed for my husbands to choose three set dates each, so Graham e.g. chose Christmas Day, his birthday and our anniversary. (If you want, you can find an early post of mine showing how I used this system to get at my husband’s #2!) We had to give up on that too, because if something happened that forced me to give the “set date” to the other husband, like somebody being ill, it just made matters worse… “You always give up my time, and now you even gave him my set date!!”. So no, now we have a three day schedule, with 14 days holiday for each husband. And Christmas Day together. This way nobody is completely satisfied, and there are always grumblings about the schedule.

2. Intimacy. There is no way ever anybody can be completely at ease with sharing the person you love sexually with somebody else. I have to be very careful about e.g. not wanting sex, because both my husbands would see that as a sign that I might be more attracted to the other one. If I am uninterested in sex on change over day, the husband I just came home to would interpret that to say that I just had sex with the other husband before I left him (which might be true) and this always triggers hurt and jealousy. For me, this really isn’t a problem since I can always just have sex anyway, but I don’t understand how polygynous men handle it. I have also made a habit of taking a shower and changing clothes the first thing I do when I change homes. I used to get complaints about the way I smelled, Mark e.g. buys me very spicy perfumes, Escada is a favourite, while Graham prefers light scents like Happy. Ok, so I shower and change. That way, I also get rid of most of the scent I carry from the other husband. Graham only uses Clinique deo without scent, but Mark usually wears a rather heavy Gaultier perfume. Anyway, they both claim that they can smell each other on me, so I shower and change clothes. I’m also very careful about intimate hygiene. If a candida infection starts bouncing back and fro, it’s really irritating and also makes my husbands intimately aware that they are sharing body fluids so I do everything I can to avoid that. It was extremely difficult while I was pregnant I can tell you! I also avoid changing my behaviour in any way, such changes only cause jealousy, so if a husband wants something new to happen in bed – he has to initiate it himself!

3. The Wall of Silence. The silence that is caused by the fact that my husbands can share everything with me, but I have to be very careful about what I share with them. Some doors just have to be kept locked. I usually try to avoid ending up having to say “I can’t share that with you” or “I can’t tell you that”, but when I do it can cause weeks of grief. It’s a permanent conflict even when nothing really sets it off. Sometimes both Graham and Mark hide things from me, and try to hurt me by hiding things, just to sort of equal the field. And the fact remains – I am their best friend, but none of them can be mine.

Polygamy Weekend

imagesThe weather’s been unusually triste and I’ve been feeling restless.

As a result, I decided to clear the attic, get rid of some old junk and cobwebs. I’m with Graham until tomorrow evening, but he’s busy with clients and Tamsin was at the Aquarium with her sister so I just needed something to do.

It’s amazing the quantity of stuff we’ve been able to stack up in the attic. Toys, furniture, clothes, books. Mind you, the house was built in the 18’th century so we’re not the first people to use the attic for “oh, we’d better save that if it should come in handy sometime in the future”-things. Anyway, I rather like cleaning so I don’t really mind the clutter I just want it to be clean and tidy. I spent the entire day up in the attic, only came down for a quick drink and an apple with Mark around noon.

When I came home, there was Graham. He was extremely off, and gave me the silent treatment. Obviously, he had come home midday to have lunch with me but hadn’t found me. He had called, but without an answer (I didn’t bring the bloody phone, since I didn’t really think I had left the house) and then he had called out to Mark from the garden and Mark told him where I was. And now, Graham felt I had given his day to Mark. Behind his back. That I had spent the entire day alone in the attic, except for ten minutes when I had ice-tea and an apple with Mark, didn’t matter. I apologized profusely but it didn’t make things much better. And I told Graham I couldn’t make the day up, since I couldn’t punish Mark for my attic excursion.

In the end Graham said he knew he was being unreasonable. – It’s just that since I only have half a wife I need all my time with her. My time is all that is entirely mine. Please don’t give it away because then I have nothing left, he said.

 

Polygamy – What are we Sharing?

ThreeringsI have two husbands.

I love them both dearly. Not in the exact same way, but equally.

I try to be fair in all my dealings with my husbands. I try to keep my marriages separate. I don’t want to flaunt my life with one husband in front of the other. I don’t want one husband to fear an invasion of his integrity by knowing I might share our secrets or intimate bonds with the other. I want both my husbands to feel safe in my love and friendship.

True, polygamy sets boundaries to our lives together. I must be very careful so as not to hurt their feelings by comparing, being unfair or taking from one to give to the other. I must be very careful so as not to accidentally divulge details from one marriage to the other. So, I keep secrets. I cut some discussions short. I know my husbands find this painful, because they both know that when they run into the wall of silence, my love for the other husband is on the other side.

I love making love to my husbands. I love the strong bond that develops from making love, the moments of total seclusion and extreme intimacy. I also know that both my husbands suffer because even in our most intimate moments the image of me with my other husband might invade their minds, their hearts. I can’t help that. It’s just the truth of polygamy.

I love sharing moments of joy with our daughter with both my husbands. They have managed to find a way to share their love for her, and I love them for it. She calls her father papi, and my other husband athair, as she has heard her second cousins do. It’s all good. If you could see my daughter and the way she loves her two fathers  you would understand why islam allows polyandry!

We share our lives, our love, our pain. If you listen to male polygamists they often claim that what you share is not a husband’s love, but his time. This is not true. You can not share a spouse and say it’s only about sharing time. No, that’s a blatant lie!

In polygamy we share love, lives, body-fluids, mistakes – all of it.

We can not however share secrets or dreams. That’s the brutal truth.

I’m still happy I found two loves.

I didn’t choose polygamy. Now, I can’t see myself living any other way.

Ghairah in Polygamy

If I were to order anybody to do sudjud to another I would order husbands to prostrate before their wife, because of her immense rights over them.

If I were to order anybody to do sudjud to another I would order husbands to prostrate before their wife, because of her immense rights over them.

Mark was very upset with me yesterday. He came and asked me for a fishing rod of his, one my children and I gave him for his birthday many years ago. I told him I had lent it to Graham and he had taken it to the Chilterns. Mark exploded. He was furious, screaming things like I have given Graham everything else, couldn’t I at least let him keep gifts from his children. I apologized. I can understand his anger. But still, he has to accept that we are living polygamy. I can’t keep my two lives completely separate. He must learn to keep his jealousy in check.

A kind of Ghairah is unique to men whose wives are married to more than one husband. This kind of Ghairah takes the form of jealousy in a man, of a degree of resentment towards other men who are also married to his wife. A man is naturally disposed to this kind of Ghairah, and as long as he does not go too far with that Ghairah, his wife should be patient with him and advise him with gentle words. Muslim men must remember that An Nisa 4:24 clearly gives a woman the right to marry as many men as she chooses, as long as she gives herself to them to be what their right hands possess. Men must accept this and understand that women have been granted this privilege because they are physically and mentally able to keep many husbands, and govern them justly.

Polygamy is Good for Me, Bad for You

1013483_354648064665525_279483948_nWe attended a social function yesterday, together with some friends of Mark’s. A business acquaintance of his was there, and he introduced us to his wife – his second wife. Apparently this man has a wife in Oman, but has also married here in the UK. He lives and works here but travels to Oman quite often since his firm’s HQ is there. Anyway.

The second wife was pregnant with their third child. Somebody asked if they had been able to register their marriage. The husband laughed and answered that since the UK is such a backward nation we don’t recognize second wives, but he was ok with that since it means that his wife receives maintenance benefits, being a “single parent”.

I couldn’t help myself but commented that even though the law doesn’t recognize my second husband as my legal spouse, he for one has enough sense of honour never to deceive society to claim benefits wrongfully. The Omani husband looked like he was going to have a heart attack. Afterwards, Mark was furious. He felt humiliated, and says that people (read: his muslim friends) despise him for accepting polyandry. He says it hurts his career.

Fine. I felt like telling him it hurt me when he chose to make our marriage polygamous, but I didn’t. Don’t want to go there again.

I will however never understand the morals of some people. To have the nerve to find me immoral for taking the half of my life that my husband gave up, to give it to somebody who loves me, while claiming benefits to support a secret second family – disgusting.

Je ne accuse pas

Javad_alizadeh_-penetrating-penThe world is getting smaller.

We all build shelters to protect us from the wind, from the dark, from each other.

Old walls have been torn down, new ones are erected.

Ideas don’t kill, people do.

It’s not a matter of perspective.

It’s not a matter of guilt.

It’s not a matter of rights, justice or obligations.

Ideas don’t kill, people do.

Heading Towards a New Year in Polygamy

ThreeringsWe had a very nice Christmas. Graham is an excellent cook, my daughter in law to be proved to be an expert pastry chef. It was wonderful to have all my children staying, and I am still the unvanquished Scrabble champion.

Mark spent Christmas with an old friend. Graham didn’t want him to come to the Chilterns, and I needed to respect his wish since he has so little privacy in the annexe. Our house in the Chilterns is Graham’s home and mine, not Mark’s. And of course, my son didn’t want his father there either. He has told his fiancée that he’s actually still alive anyway, which is a giant leap forward.

We agreed Mark would get an extended vacation with me in June instead. I’m looking forward to it, both to go away with him and to get off the rotating schedule for a while. It can be rather tiresome to keep altering homes every three days…

I’ll be going back to London tomorrow. To Mark ❤

Polygamy and Christmas

imagesI have always loved Christmas. When I was a child we used to gather the entire family, aunts and cousins and everybody, and spend Christmas eating, singing, playing and reading. It was wonderful!

When our children were small we had started spending Christmas with just the immediate family. Less fuss, more quality time. Still wonderful.

Now of course, my first son and daughter aren’t children any more. When polygamy happened, they demanded Mark spend Christmas with #2. So I spent Christmas with my children, and later with my children and Graham. Mark went to Bimbo, and I suppose they didn’t celebrate Christmas at all. (Mark always loved Christmas). Last year, Mark used his X-mas time off to go to Oman.

This year, things are a bit more complicated.

Mark and #2 are divorced, so he won’t be going to Oman, won’t be spending the holiday with her. And since I now have a little girl, we want to celebrate Christmas in style – the entire family including my son’s fiancée, toys and horseback-riding, a Santa, all of it. So we’re going to spend Christmas in the Chilterns.

So, what about Mark?

According to the schedule, I’m to spend Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with Graham, Boxing Day with Mark. But I don’t want to go back to London until New Year’s Eve… And I don’t want Mark to be alone in London all Christmas, while all the rest of us are in the Chilterns. But I also know Graham doesn’t want Mark to invade his privacy in the Chilterns.

So I don’t know what to do.

I am Happy.

Bonfire_NightAs I read through all my posts I realize you have all met Mark. My hurt has sometimes added to his picture. But he’s here for you to see him.

Graham isn’t.

He has never been part of polygamy, he is a monogamous man. He has never entered onto these pages, sometimes he has walked past seemingly no more than a shadow. We have both wanted it that way.

As for me, I came here to find friends to share my pain and loneliness. I was hoping to find people who have experienced similar suffering, to find strength in company. I also hoped, by telling my story I would be able to help other women, give them strength to fight the terrible crime against humanity that is polygyny.

I want to thank all of you wonderful women who have supported me and written to me privately to let me know how you managed to avoid or escape polygyny. I am glad so many of you have chosen to become champions of equality – polygyny can only continue if women allow it. Among the dreadful stories of the Holocaust we must remember Sobibor, where the Nazis were forced to close the camp after the jews managed to escape. And in the end, the Nazis were made to pay for their horrible crimes against humanity.

And women, especially Western women, who aid and abet in polygyny, should remember that Kapos suffered the same fate as the Nazis.

My life is rich now. I have two wonderful husbands and three beautiful children – a family. I am needed IRL, not on these pages. To those of you who have become dear friends I say – hope to hear from you. To those of you who wonder who I am, or indeed IF I am, I say does it really matter? Well, since I’m about to go back to living my life completely in the real world not here, I can tell you that not a single word has been a lie.

Telling the truth is difficult enough, don’t you think?

It’ll soon be November 5.

I wish you all a lovely bonfire night.