Second in Polygamy

Heart-beatSo, today is Husband Swap day. We have a three day schedule, with a few adjustments made for special days like birthdays, and vacations. Usually it works just fine, it’s become normal.

This morning, I left Mark to go fetch a mirror I had had repaired, and after that I was going to Graham in the Chilterns. But just as I was leaving the shop in Slough, Mark called me and asked if I could stop by in St Albans and pick up a bag of books from a co-worker of his. I said fine, So, I texted Graham that I would be late because I needed to do Mark this favour and that was that. I thought.

When I came to the Chilterns, there was nobody there. No Tamsin, no Graham. And when I tried calling him, no answer. I called Mark and my children, they hadn’t heard anything either. I was so worried! Then, I got a text from Graham.

“Gone to the airport. Tickets for Dublin. Going alone, since you would have made us miss the flight. Tamsin’s with mom.”

I called him, over and over. And then I got another text:

“Please stop calling. I don’t want to talk to you right now. I’m going on my own, need to be alone. I want to come first in my own life for a couple of days, since I’ll obviously always come second in yours. Don’t worry. We’ll be fine.”

So, there you are.

Surprises are a bad idea in polygamy. Not keeping the schedule is a bad idea. Taking each other for granted is a bad idea.

I really don’t know what to do know. Maybe I’ll just go back to London.

The True State of Polygamy

imagesAs you probably know, my second husband Graham had a stroke a while back.

It has been scary, hurtful and it has opened our eyes to the value of life, just as it would have had our marriage been monogamous. But some of the issues we’ve had have been specific to polygamy.

I’ve been thinking a lot about the fact that one of my husbands could die, while I’m with the other husband. How would I feel if Graham had died from the stroke, while I had been off having a romantic night out with Mark, or making love to Mark? What would have happened if Graham had been all alone and unable to get help? What if he had been brain damaged, and the doctors had told me that if he had received help in time he would have been ok, but since he didn’t he’ll be living his life unable to communicate, eat or move…How would I live with that on my conscience?

I have realized that I can never be a half time wife to two husbands, I must be a full time wife to two husbands. There is no emergency I can decline attending to, there is no request I can turn down, there is no moment of sadness, loneliness or fear in my spouse that is not my responsibility to alleviate.

I have realized that had both my husbands had young children, I would have had to give up on polygamy. It would have been a 48 hours a day job, just to be a full time mother. No way could I have been a full time wife also. Any man who opts for polygamy with children in both his families does this knowing that he is forfeiting fatherhood and husbandhood in order to be polygamous. He chooses polygamy over his wives and children. Any spouse of such a man must be aware that this is his choice. Polygamy is more important to him than you are, than your children are.

It’s also been agonizing to see that my love for the other husband is still so painful to both my husbands. I think they’ve both lulled themselves into a calm life of make belief, where they both disregard my life with the other husband and my love for him. Like, each husband believes I have a love marriage with him, and a marriage of duty with the other. Ok, I can see how they build that scenario in their minds and hearts. But it keeps all the pain and hurt alive and raw, since all make belief  Potemkin villages are torn down and the truth comes out whenever life has me show my love openly.

You know, in one way or another, I believe the only way to survive when your spouse is polygamous is by building some kind of make belief around the whole situation. You make yourself believe you are the favourite. Or you make yourself believe that your spouse is just off to work when she/he is actually with another spouse. Or you make yourself believe this is what god wants. You make yourself believe you’ll be rewarded somehow if you can only make it through the day.

Polygamy is a matrix. It’s the Truman show.

 

Polygamy Hatred

1013483_354648064665525_279483948_nI get a lot of people who come here only to condemn my lifestyle, to tell me I’m going to hell and that my poor deluded muslim husband will join me there (obviously most of these people hate the fact that Mark has accepted my being polygamous while they don’t really care about Graham). One woman wrote me a whole load of e-mails telling me I’m tempting muslim women to be disobedient against the word of god, and their husbands which seems to be the same thing, and that I have fallen into the arms of Satan. After a long exchange we realized we both live in London. So, I offered to meet her. After a while she accepted. Last night we met at a coffee bar and talked. I was a bit nervous, I must admit.

She was a woman in her mid forties, Asian, and she wore a hijab. She seemed to be just as nervous as I was. We had a very interesting talk. She started out telling me that polygyny is difficult enough without people like me tempting women to question the word of Allah. She told me I made polygyny worse on women, not better. And she told me that she was worried that my muslim husband would end up in hell because he accepts being a cuckold.

I told her, my blog is about empowering women. It’s about letting women know that there are other ways to live your life, to survive polygamy, and to interpret the word of god. My husband has actually accepted that the quran allows polyandry. We have met other muslims who have too, after reading this blog. I told her this is about more than polygamy, it’s about human rights, about the right to be loved equally.

She asked me why I hated polygyny. I asked her why she hated polyandry. She answered: because it is disgusting and horrible and immoral and makes me sick to the stomach. I said that that’s exactly why I hate polygyny. What is inherently evil to you is inherently good to me and vice versa. Maybe we must just accept that somebody not agreeing with you doesn’t automatically make them evil, or stupid. We sat staring at each other. Finally she said: Ok, yes I see. I see what you mean.

So we talked. For a long, long time. And when we parted, she said that she could actually respect me and my choices. She could see that there are actually a lot of advantages to making muslim men aware of the power of women, and the fact that women can manage polygamy too. She giggled.

Polygamy is Not a Threesome

ThreeringsEach marriage is separate and unique.

I am my husbands’ wife. They are both, separately, married to me. My husbands are not polygamous, they both have monogamous marriages with me.

I try never to take anything with me from one marriage to the other. It’s difficult.

If I have had a conflict with one husband, it’s difficult to completely shut the door on it, and the bad temper, when I go to the other husband. If I’m worried about one husband, it’s difficult to hide it from the other.

Mark is having problems right now with the concern and worry I feel over Graham, what with the stroke and the depression and everything. And Graham is hurting over how our intimate life together has been disrupted by the stroke, and by his medicines. He’s jealous, and it adds to the depression.

Suddenly, I feel the urge to have my husbands talk this out together. Find the way back to seeing each other as friends, not as rivals. But they don’t want that.

They both say polygamy is my problem. I’m polygamous, they’re not.

Privacy in Polygamy

1013483_354648064665525_279483948_nSo, we decided after Graham’s stroke that he’d better stay in one of the guest rooms in the big house for a month or so. I don’t want him to be alone, especially at night, and Mark agreed.

In a way, it’s really nice to have both my husbands together. I can speak to both at the same time, we can agree on things directly instead of me always having to be the mediator, Tamsin LOVES having us all together – and Graham and Mark enjoy watching rugger together and cooking together.

But – and this is a big but -we are having big privacy issues.

Yesterday when I was in the kitchen with Mark we were laughing and joking together over some silly looking carrots when Graham came in. I felt myself blushing over the double entendre of the jokes I realized Graham must have heard. I could see that both Mark and Graham were uncomfortable too.

And the other day, Mark and Graham were watching TV and Tamsin was already asleep. When she’s around, everything is easier somehow. Now when I came into the room I found myself wondering: where do I sit? With Graham because it’s his day? Or with Mark because the white sofa is bigger? And I stood there hesitating until both of them realized what the problem was and it all turned silently awkward. And I have had to make a habit out of always going to bed early. That way I can go to the right bedroom and the husband whose night it is can join me there later. Because getting up together and leaving towards the bedroom while saying goodnight to the husband who is “off” is simply too darn hurtful.

And I can’t spontaneously hug or kiss my husbands – I always have to look over the shoulder first.

And now I’ve noticed that Graham isn’t feeling well. Well, physically he’s doing great. But this thing has made him realize that he is mortal, and he’s obsessing over dying while Tamsin still needs him.

So, I’m looking forward to next weekend when Graham is moving back to the annex.

Polygamy isn’t about being one big happy family. No way. I’t about having different, separate families. Or at least separate marriages.

Shock

ThreeringsGraham had a stroke.

It’s still difficult to write the words, even though it’s more than a week ago, and we know by now that he is going to be ok. It was only a grade 2 stroke, and he’ll be just fine.

But I’ve been so scared.

If I had lost him, life would have lost all luster. Oh my god.

They called me, and told me he was rushed to hospital. I was with Mark and he took me to hospital and I was so glad that he was there. We did this together, got through this together. Two nights ago I came into Graham’s room with three cups of coffee, just in time to hear Mark tell Graham that he had never realized before how important Graham is to him. That he is so happy to have him in his life.

How to Manage Polygamy? Q&A

ThreeringsI get a lot of email, asking questions about the practical everyday aspects of polygamy. I have collected some of the most common questions here.

  1. Do you love one of your husbands more than the other?

Yes. But not always the same husband. There are ups and downs in every marriage I believe. In polygamy, there seems to be some kind of natural law that when one husband is happy, the other one is not. And so I tend to love the happy husband more than the unhappy husband. I know it sounds awful, but polygamy is really hard work, so coming home to a bitter and resentful husband just bugs me.

2. Do you ever have sex with both your husbands on the same day?

Yes. It happens on most change over days actually. The husband I’m about to leave is often eager to have sex because he knows I’ll be gone for 3 days. And the husband I go to is happy to see me again:) So yes, it happens all the time. And no, it doesn’t make me feel dirty. It makes me feel happy and loved and fulfilled. And it’s an obvious sign that women are better suited to be polygamous than men, since I have no problem having sex twice a day, while most men simply wouldn’t be physically able to.

3. Do you compare your husbands?

Yes. All the time. There’s simply no avoiding it. When Graham laughs at a joke, I think “Mark wouldn’t have found that funny” When I see a film I think “I should have seen it with Mark, he would have liked it better” When I serve coffee, I think “Right…so Graham wants it black”. I compare the way they smile, the way they frown, the way they scold me. And yes, I compare them in bed. It is the most special and intimate part of marriage, so of course I compare. Don’t ever believe a polygamous man who says he doesn’t!

4. Can you be just and fair?

No. I can’t. I have tried my damndest, but it’s simply not possible. When both of them need me, I have to fail one. When I turn to one to give him a smile, I turn my back on the other. When I have to go away on business, I always end up hurting one of them because the schedule alters and upsets plans. My children love Graham and avoid Mark, so in order to spend time with my children, I have to favour Graham on holidays e.g. When I try to be fair by giving them both the same present, one of them loves it and the other one doesn’t. When I try to be fair by giving them different presents, they both feel they got the short end of the stick. There is simply no way to be just and fair. But to me, that’s just life. To a muslim man, it means going to hell 🙂 So again – it’s obvious Western women are made to be polygamous if they choose – muslim men aren’t.

5. Do you ever lie to your husbands, or can you be honest in polygamy?

I lie to them all the time. Every day when they ask me trivial things like “Isn’t this the best Rogan Josh you’ve had in ages” (No, the one I had with Mark last week was way better) “Do you even remember when you laughed as much”? (Yes, yesterday with Graham), “I bought you some tulips, I suppose you were longing for the first spring tulips?” (No, my other husband bought me some already) and so on. But worse than that – I have to lie when they spontaneously ask me things like after sex “Don’t you wish we could just stay like this forever” (No, because I want to be intimate with my other husband just as much). Yes, I lie to them constantly. The day you lose your spouse to polygamy, is also the day you lose the spouse you can trust, who will tell you the truth. If your spouse is polygamous you simply have to choose: be lied to or stop all kind of communication except about the weather or Jo Brand’s new hair.

6. Do you regret polygamy?

No, I don’t. Polygamy gave me Tamsin, my beautiful daughter. And Graham, whom I love with all my heart. But I can honestly say, that if I were the one who had chosen polygamy, I would never have been able to live with myself seeing the pain and suffering polygamy has caused my husbands. I would have killed myself, or died from shame and regret. But as it is, polygyny was forced on me, which meant polygamy became the only option for me to have a complete life. So Mark chose polygamy, and he has had to live with the consequences. That’s what made it possible for me to hold on to polygamy without letting his pain and suffering kill me. And Graham chose polygamy. So his pain hasn’t been all my fault either. But it hurts to see him suffer. Because honestly – there is no polygamy without pain and suffering. How men who choose polygyny, knowing their wives don’t have the same possibility, can live with themselves I simply cannot fathom. But of course, how anybody could buy a slave is beyond me too, still people do it. Anyway, knowing first hand how evil the pain and hurt is, I know there’s a special place in hell for polygynous men.

7. What do you love most about polygamy?

Being loved by two wonderful men. Having children with two wonderful men.

8. Would you recommend polyandry to other women?

Yes. If you’re strong and intelligent, and extremely well organized. And if both ( or more I suppose) men are willing. Nobody should ever force or coax an unwilling, reluctant or even hesitant spouse into a polygamous relationship. Ever. If there is the least doubt – don’t.

9. Do you have rules about phone calls, texts, e-mails etc on the other husband’s night?

Yes. No texts or phone calls unless absolutely necessary. Privacy is crucial. Only emergency calls are allowed. But I try to slip away so I can pay a short visit to the husband I won’t stay the night with (Mark lives in the house, Graham lives in the annex) and I always send a good night text.

10 How do you solve conflicts between your husbands?

I simply tell them I don’t accept any conflicts. There was a lot of back stabbing, manipulation and that kind of thing going on when I first married Graham. But I never allowed myself to be manipulated. I just kept to the ground rules. And most of the time, they managed to work things out between them without my help. Now, there aren’t any major conflicts any more.

Who is the Head of Your Polygamous Family? Q&A

921ce-keep-calm-and-you-can-do-it-13Good day and thank you for a very interesting blog.

Being muslim, I have some questions to the blogkeeper. I do not intend disrespect and I do understand if you find my questions too private. I respect of course if you do not answer anything that may be too close.

It seems to me in polygamy, somebody must be the leader. Somebody must have the final call if there are conflicts of wishes, time or jealousy. In Islam the man is the leader. He has the final say and it is his responsibility to keep peace and harmony in the marriages. I wonder, in your marriages, is this your role? Or are your husbands still the leaders in marriage? Maybe they solve conflicts between them since you live close together?

When your husbands want things that conflict, to whom do you submit? I see you have a child with your second husband, how would you have solved it if your first husband wanted a child too, at the same time?

If two wives argue and scream and threaten each other, the husband is always strong enought to make them calm down and give in to his will. What do you do if your husbands fight?

I am sorry if this question offends, but if both your husbands have wish for intimacy, does it not make you feel tired and worn out? And how can you cope with two men if they want you at the same time? And is it not embarassing to go to your one husband with plainly traces of ghusl so he can see what you have done with the other?

I truly wish you well. But I must say I find this way of living strange. Please forgive me.

Harish

“I Mourn the Life I Lost” – Polygamy Pain

Heart-beatMy first husband has had his ups and downs in polygamy to say the least. Nowadays, he’s mostly accepting of life as it is. I know he has come to enjoy having time to himself, I know he loves Tamsin, my daughter with my second husband, and I know that he has even come to appreciate having Graham in our lives.

He is however still struggling with jealousy, a feeling of being left out, and most of all he hates the fact that the children haven’t been able to forgive his initial, giant betrayal.

The other day, I found him sitting in the conservatory looking through old photo albums. We started talking about all the fun we had with the children when they were small, about wonderful holidays in Scotland, about our first dogs… We really had a very nice talk, it felt wonderful to share those memories, that love. Then suddenly, tears came to his eyes. I asked if he missed the children, our son who refuses to talk to him. He nodded.

“But most of all I just mourn the life I lost” – he said.

It sort of says it all, doesn’t it?

To me, the men in polygyny who are completely happy, are the men who have no ability to mourn what they lost.

A Helping Hand

gg4603327My cousins and I have decided to offer some of the cottages on my grandparents’ estate as housing for refugees. The estate now belongs to my cousins, but they wanted us all to agree on this. And we do. They are now in contact with the government.

With the situation being what it is, there is no alternative but to offer a helping hand to those in need. I can’t even imagine the desperation that makes people put the lives of their children in the hands of villains with rafts heading out to the Mediterranean Sea. We must do what we can to offer these people a chance to build a new life, and make sure nobody has to die on the way here. Every dead child is a stab at the heart of mankind.

I have also made a large contribution to Doctors without borders. In the refugee camps in e.g. Lebanon, they are calling out for medicines, let’s at least try to keep people from dying because there is no penicillin! 😦

This is a perfect time to prove what democracy really stands for.

I read New Zeeland are now preparing to receive refugees, but they will not allow anybody in who is either in any way connected to IS or a polygamist. Obviously they consider these two equally bad…

What say you?