How Do I Get Rid of My Husband’s Second Wife? Q&A

S%C3%A9pulcre_Arc-en-Barrois_111008_12Every day, women come here looking for the answer to the question: “How do I get rid of my husband’s second wife”. My stats show me that this is one of the most common search-phrases people use to find this blog.

How do I get rid of my husband’s second wife?

Well, there’s really only one answer to that question:

By getting rid of your husband.

As a muslim, you can’t force your husband to divorce his other wife or wives. There is no legal way for you to make that happen, nor any religious way. You might try to coerce him into divorcing her, by making his life a living hell if he doesn’t, but since Islam always has a mechanism for protecting the right of men, of course there are ahadith and fatwas saying that it is a great sin to try and make your husband divorce his other wife/wives. So if you really are a muslim, that is not a way out.

There are women out there who try to make their husbands divorce the second wives by being the perfect wives. Women degrade themselves and beautify themselves, keep a perfect house, offer their husbands lots of exciting sex in order to make their husbands see that they don’t need any other woman. Well ladies, this is the most stupid thing you can do!! It simply proves to your husbands that polygyny is great, and that by being polygynous they can keep their wives on their toes, serving them and competing for their favour. Please, please don’t stoop to that!! It will only make your husbands go out and tell other men how great polygyny is, setting other poor women up to become victims too.

You could of course murder your husband’s second wife, but only if you’re ready to go to prison for life, or possibly be executed depending on where you live. 😉

No, honestly, the only way to get rid of his second wife is by getting rid of him. I know it’s not as easy as it sounds. But there it is. If you get rid of him, she won’t ever be a part of your life again unless you want her to. She will become completely irrelevant. When he decides to marry a third wife, she will be the one to take the pain – it will have nothing to do with you. And as you get rid of him, you won’t only get rid of his second wife. You’ll also get rid of a dirty two-timing piece of shit who cares more about his dick than about your life and your marriage and your children. You’ll also get rid of the risk of getting STD:s from his other women, and you’ll get rid of spending half of the rest of your life alone as a single parent, a single woman, a woman alone in a home for the elderly.

Asking for divorce also happens to be an islamically permissible way to free yourself from  him and eternal pain and misery. (You do know of course, that if you don’t divorce him, you’ll have to share him with her for all eternity. even if you get into Paradise as a true muslim…?)

By getting rid of him, and her, you’ll open a door for love, for respect and honesty from a full time husband, a full time father.

So for goodness sake, get rid of your husband’s second wife. And now you know how.

Polygamy Bites Back

imagesHello everybody,

I just wanted to share my story with you.

I got married to a muslim guy from Pakistan who is a UK citizen, just like me. We were married in Pakistan, a nikah only. My husband didn’t want it registered, because he wanted the nikah to sort of stand on its own. I felt, ok it doesn’t really matter. I’m not a muslim but sort of christian but I’ve never been very religious so it wasn’t a big deal for me.

I was happy and I think we were happy as a couple and we had a baby boy and life was good. Everything was just normal you know. Until one day he told me he was getting married again, to a second cousin of his from Pakistan. And he told me he was registering that marriage, so she could come to the UK. I just couldn’t believe it. I mean it was like absurd totally, just bloody absurd. And he kept talking about it like it was normal, and everything was fine. I went psycho on him of course and he had his mom come to the UK to tell me it was fine and everything was normal and they all respected me and a load of crap and the weird thing is after a while I started to feel like I was the one who was crazy, not them. It felt like the Matrix you know, when you don’t know what is real anymore. I had my normal life and everything was fine, but he kept preparing for a new wedding and buying gifts and disappearing with his mobile and he was sort of like sucking up to me too in a strange way, it was really horrible. And suddenly she was there and they were getting married. If you ever tried to imagine what the worst nightmare would be, I can tell you that watching your husband get dressed to get married, kiss your son goodbye and stand in the hallway and look you in the eyes and tell you how much he loves you before he goes off to marry another woman – that’s about as bad as it gets. Or was the worst moment when his mom and brother came over to offer me a piece of the wedding cake?

I don’t have to tell you guys what it was like, the images in my head, the wait, the coming home, the trying to live my life bit. It was all just horrible. But I tried, I did. But as you know you just can’t find a way back.

Anyway, to make a long story short I met another man. We had an affair. Not really difficult since my husband was away half the time. The man I met was married too, but his wife knew about us they just staid together while their kids were small. I was kind of happy. And I got pregnant. My lover divorced his wife, and we got married. Since I only had a nikah with my husband, that wasn’t a problem.  But I didn’t want to leave my first husband, because I still loved him in a way and I wanted to be absolutely certain about what I wanted. My first husband thought the other boy was his too. And later, I had a girl. But when my first son by my second husband got sick, I had to tell him that the boy wasn’t his. And soon he would have been able to talk better so I would have had to tell him anyway.

How do you tell your husband that you are married to another man, and that your son and your baby girl aren’t his children but your other husband’s? Well, straight out was what I opted for. I can’t even begin to tell you how angry he was, I’ve never seen a person go mental like he did.

He divorced me of course, on the spot. But there was nothing he could do about the children not being his, he’s allowed to see his son on holidays, but not the other two because they weren’t his to begin with.

I wonder how many muslim men in the UK have kids that aren’t theirs, and wives who are making good use of the time their husbands are off with another wife?

How to Cope With Polygamy

5758f-moveA lot of people who come to this blog do so after googling “How to cope in polygamy”. I get like 10 people every day who google coping with polygamy in my stats. It breaks my heart.

So here’s a post to all of you copers out there:

If you are looking for a way to cope with polygamy, that in itself proves to me that you should get the hell out of that polygamous marriage! Leave! Now!

Marriage should never be about coping.

Marriage should be about living life to the full, about love and trust, equality and happiness. Marriage should be about friendship, laughter, caring for each other, honesty, about being that one person to each other who is always there for you who is always ready to put your happiness above his or her own.

Marriage should never be about coping.

So if you came here looking for advice about how to cope with polygamy, here it is:

Don’t.

Leave, and allow yourself the opportunity to find a real marriage. A real relationship.

Don’t ever let anybody force you into believing you are worth anything less.

How a Husband Should React when Faced With Polygamy

If I were to order anybody to do sudjud to another I would order husbands to prostrate before their wife, because of her immense rights over them.

If I were to order anybody to do sudjud to another I would order husbands to prostrate before their wife, because of her immense rights over them.

When the wise Sharee’ah deemed polyandry allowable, it enjoined the Muslim woman to treat her husbands on a footing of equality. The Quran allows women to marry as many husbands as they like, as long as they give themselves willingly, saying that married women are forbidden to men unless they choose to give themselves freely to a second, third, fourth, fifth…husband: “except those your right hands possess [This is] the decree of Allah upon you.”

In fact, there is no condition set by the Quran for the Muslim woman who chooses to practice polyandry. We know of no evidence suggesting that Islamic Sharee’ah obliges the wife to inform her first husband of her intention to have a second husband. Please refer to Fatwa 86395.

Refraining from informing the husband of the second marriage does not constitute deception on the part of the wife. She is entitled to marry another husband as per the Quran. In most cases, the greater interest entails that the wife does not inform the first husband of her intention to remarry so as not to hurt him and to spare him the unfavorable feelings of distress. This matter does not involve any tampering with the first husband’s feelings.

In fact, polyandry abounds in many benefits that should not be missed merely because of a given husband’s refusal or aversion towards the idea. A man is naturally averse to polyandry; however, it is not wise to let the husband’s innate aversion towards having co-husbands deny the wife the benefits of polyandry. For more benefit, please refer to Fataawa 86818 and 90132.

However, a Muslim husband should see this experience as any affliction that may befall him. If he is patient, this will be a cause for the raising of his rank and atonement of his sins. Please refer to Fatwa 83577 about the merits of patience.

If the wife informs her husband of her second marriage or he finds out about of it, it is not permissible for him to seek divorce merely because his wife has another husband. In stead, he should thank Allah for still allowing him to have a part of his wife. He should also put his heart and soul into serving his wife, pleasing and obeying his wife in every way, and giving his wife complete sexual satisfaction so as to keep his wife’s love, and make himself worthy of her protection.

And Allah knows best.

“I Mourn the Life I Lost” – Polygamy Pain

Heart-beatMy first husband has had his ups and downs in polygamy to say the least. Nowadays, he’s mostly accepting of life as it is. I know he has come to enjoy having time to himself, I know he loves Tamsin, my daughter with my second husband, and I know that he has even come to appreciate having Graham in our lives.

He is however still struggling with jealousy, a feeling of being left out, and most of all he hates the fact that the children haven’t been able to forgive his initial, giant betrayal.

The other day, I found him sitting in the conservatory looking through old photo albums. We started talking about all the fun we had with the children when they were small, about wonderful holidays in Scotland, about our first dogs… We really had a very nice talk, it felt wonderful to share those memories, that love. Then suddenly, tears came to his eyes. I asked if he missed the children, our son who refuses to talk to him. He nodded.

“But most of all I just mourn the life I lost” – he said.

It sort of says it all, doesn’t it?

To me, the men in polygyny who are completely happy, are the men who have no ability to mourn what they lost.

3 Most Common Complaints in Polygamy

maleslaveWe have settled into a calm life of polygamy, plain sailing most of the time. The conflicts that do arise are mostly minor and easily settled. When my first husband was still with his #2 there were LOADS of conflicts all the time, every single mole hill turned into a mountain. Not so now. That just shows how important it is that polygamy is voluntary, just and equal. And it clearly shows that women don’t cope with sharing a spouse better than men – it’s all about how polygamy is done, not about gender.

Anyway, now and then we keep stumbling over minor issues, the typical complaints of polygamy. The most common complaints being:

1. Time issues. There is no way everybody concerned in polygamous marriage will be content with the division of time. Weekends, holidays, anniversaries… the best way to cope, for us anyway, has been to set a three day schedule (it used to be four, but we changed it because of Tamsin) and stick to it no matter what. In the beginning we allowed for my husbands to choose three set dates each, so Graham e.g. chose Christmas Day, his birthday and our anniversary. (If you want, you can find an early post of mine showing how I used this system to get at my husband’s #2!) We had to give up on that too, because if something happened that forced me to give the “set date” to the other husband, like somebody being ill, it just made matters worse… “You always give up my time, and now you even gave him my set date!!”. So no, now we have a three day schedule, with 14 days holiday for each husband. And Christmas Day together. This way nobody is completely satisfied, and there are always grumblings about the schedule.

2. Intimacy. There is no way ever anybody can be completely at ease with sharing the person you love sexually with somebody else. I have to be very careful about e.g. not wanting sex, because both my husbands would see that as a sign that I might be more attracted to the other one. If I am uninterested in sex on change over day, the husband I just came home to would interpret that to say that I just had sex with the other husband before I left him (which might be true) and this always triggers hurt and jealousy. For me, this really isn’t a problem since I can always just have sex anyway, but I don’t understand how polygynous men handle it. I have also made a habit of taking a shower and changing clothes the first thing I do when I change homes. I used to get complaints about the way I smelled, Mark e.g. buys me very spicy perfumes, Escada is a favourite, while Graham prefers light scents like Happy. Ok, so I shower and change. That way, I also get rid of most of the scent I carry from the other husband. Graham only uses Clinique deo without scent, but Mark usually wears a rather heavy Gaultier perfume. Anyway, they both claim that they can smell each other on me, so I shower and change clothes. I’m also very careful about intimate hygiene. If a candida infection starts bouncing back and fro, it’s really irritating and also makes my husbands intimately aware that they are sharing body fluids so I do everything I can to avoid that. It was extremely difficult while I was pregnant I can tell you! I also avoid changing my behaviour in any way, such changes only cause jealousy, so if a husband wants something new to happen in bed – he has to initiate it himself!

3. The Wall of Silence. The silence that is caused by the fact that my husbands can share everything with me, but I have to be very careful about what I share with them. Some doors just have to be kept locked. I usually try to avoid ending up having to say “I can’t share that with you” or “I can’t tell you that”, but when I do it can cause weeks of grief. It’s a permanent conflict even when nothing really sets it off. Sometimes both Graham and Mark hide things from me, and try to hurt me by hiding things, just to sort of equal the field. And the fact remains – I am their best friend, but none of them can be mine.

Polygamy – My Husband’s Wedding Night

S%C3%A9pulcre_Arc-en-Barrois_111008_12The most difficult night was not my husband’s wedding night.
The most difficult night was the night before.
When he was with me, but he was marrying another woman the next day.
When he made love to me saying I should never forget how much he loves me, but he was going to make love to another woman the next day, opening his heart for her to enter.
When he was sleeping beside me and I was watching his face thinking that tomorrow night another woman will be lying beside him with his semen inside her and new love for him awakening in her heart when she watches his face while he sleeps.

That was the really bad night.

On his wedding night, at least I could scream my pain.

(By: Jemima on Polygamy911)

Polygamy – What are we Sharing?

ThreeringsI have two husbands.

I love them both dearly. Not in the exact same way, but equally.

I try to be fair in all my dealings with my husbands. I try to keep my marriages separate. I don’t want to flaunt my life with one husband in front of the other. I don’t want one husband to fear an invasion of his integrity by knowing I might share our secrets or intimate bonds with the other. I want both my husbands to feel safe in my love and friendship.

True, polygamy sets boundaries to our lives together. I must be very careful so as not to hurt their feelings by comparing, being unfair or taking from one to give to the other. I must be very careful so as not to accidentally divulge details from one marriage to the other. So, I keep secrets. I cut some discussions short. I know my husbands find this painful, because they both know that when they run into the wall of silence, my love for the other husband is on the other side.

I love making love to my husbands. I love the strong bond that develops from making love, the moments of total seclusion and extreme intimacy. I also know that both my husbands suffer because even in our most intimate moments the image of me with my other husband might invade their minds, their hearts. I can’t help that. It’s just the truth of polygamy.

I love sharing moments of joy with our daughter with both my husbands. They have managed to find a way to share their love for her, and I love them for it. She calls her father papi, and my other husband athair, as she has heard her second cousins do. It’s all good. If you could see my daughter and the way she loves her two fathers  you would understand why islam allows polyandry!

We share our lives, our love, our pain. If you listen to male polygamists they often claim that what you share is not a husband’s love, but his time. This is not true. You can not share a spouse and say it’s only about sharing time. No, that’s a blatant lie!

In polygamy we share love, lives, body-fluids, mistakes – all of it.

We can not however share secrets or dreams. That’s the brutal truth.

I’m still happy I found two loves.

I didn’t choose polygamy. Now, I can’t see myself living any other way.

Polygamy – What Hurts the Most?

wives7I often get e-mail and comments asking about the unbelievable pain of polygamy. The most common questions are how to cope/survive and what hurts the must.

How to survive has been the theme of many posts, but I don’t think I’ve ever tried to answer the question: What hurts the most? So here goes:

* The very worst part of polygamy is watching your children suffer, without being able to help. My children were adults when their father chose polygamy, but still they were totally devastated by his betrayal, his arrogance, selfishness and perverted morals. They are still hurting. My son says that the worst pain was realizing that he hated his father. The dad he once loved had become a stranger he hated.

* The “love for your sister what you love for yourself” sanctimonious, warped, religious toxic goo – BS. Listening to the hypocrisies of polygyny from a religious point of view from a husband who expects you to accept that there would be a god who claims that men have a right to maledom polygyny, a right that isn’t even restricted by a duty to get permission from or even inform his wife, is enough to make you vomit your soul out over and over and over.

* The lies, the everlasting betrayal

* To realize that your husband sees you as something less, something different, something that lacks the rights he has.

* The images of their lovemaking, the bacteria and acari from their lovemaking, that he brings into your bed and into your soul.

* Having it dawn on you that the man you loved was never the man you loved – the marriage you had was never the marriage you had.

 

Q&A Hateful Islamic Answers for Women Without Rights in Polygamy

In islam, a woman can be held in complete bondage by her husband

In islam, a woman can be held in complete bondage by her husband

Assalam!

I wrte some weeks ago to a q&a forum to ask advice about my situation. I married my husband at young age n I have 6 kids 3 are fine n the last 3 are paralyzed neuro disease n he wants to remarry I can’t fathom the pain that I am feeling I feel dead sick tired I care for 3 paralyzed children in this case is it okay for him to remarry n start a new family n I’m toiling in distress with very sick children does allah permit for a man to marry if yes how do I swallow it how in the world can I bear this is it in my situation permissible for him to go off n live his life n leave me to suffer emotionally n physically? This I wrote. I think maybe is restriction on husband when he has sick children and in this is not prssoble for me to live I can’t cope now and if husband gone half time I will go under. I hopes the fatwa would say man has responsibilitie to his sick children and not have more families if it is like this but the answer I get has killed all hopa for me! They write:

Allah Ta’ala states in the Qur’aan majeed: “What! Do you say that you believe but will Not be tested?!Sister. Most time the difficulties and pains we find ourselves in are due to our own lack of ilm in Islam,patience and utterly disobedience toward Allah Ta’ala and Nabi Sallalaahu alayhi wa sallam.Sickness and hardships are the result our sins and Allah Ta’ala in His Mercy is purifying us so we can be able to enter jannat in pure sate , free of sins.Often Allah Ta’ala shows His special love and nearness toward one of his beloved slaves by inflicting him/her with many trials, hardships and pains.

Sister. I can not imagine what your life is like.And i can truly imagine how exhausted your are and that you want somebody holding you and caring for you.But let me tell you.Only Allah Ta’ala is You friend and feels your pains, worries and hears your cries.Do not see your amount of children and your 3 paralyzed children and your husband’s desire to marry another women as a burden or perhaps as punishment.Indeed its a great blessing for your and may guarantee safe entry into jannat.You take care over your 6 children, of whom 3 are like new born babies, a full time care yourself without help.Sister, this indeed is a big test on your imaan and also a special Rahmat from ALLAH Ta’ala on you as you cant imagine how many sins and faults of yours are forgiven this way and how much Allah Ta’ala prevents you from indulging in other sins and time wasting in which you would have indulged in if all children were fully healthy and you faced no problems.Every time you have to wash, feed, clothe, diaper your 3 paralyzed children, the special Mercy and divine Help will be send down on you .Insha allah, if you are in need of assistance and help in advanced age or times of sickness, than your 3 healthy children will do help and serve you with pleasure as you have set a wonderful example of serving and care taking.Your children are supplication daily for you and so do the angles which witness your trials, provided you don’t complain.Imagine all your children would have been handicapped and your husband or you as well. How would you react then?

You should try to talk to your husband and plead for some help perhaps through a nurse, maid or family member to help you with your household cores and specially the 3 disabled children?!Also try to pray your namaaz on time, do your tasbee fatimi after each namaaz and before your go to sleep as this is an adviced remedy and help for mastering your care taking and household cores and health.Try to read as much as quraan as you can. I know is quiet a challenge but Nothing is impossible.Try to read the manzil after fajr and before going to bed and blow it into your water and on your sick children . Do only drink this water and cook only with this water.

Its has been proven to cure even paralyzed children and change d behavior to good .
And too , make dua for your husband and yourself to be able to deal with whatever Allah Ta’al has decreed for you and talk to him in humility about your problems .

After all he is the ruler of the house and in status above you.

He surely suffers too from the situation in the home and cant see his children being in this condition either.
When I look into question it does not appear that he is divorcing you and leaves you and the children all alone or that he violating any point of your rights or the he his mistreating you.

Sister, their could be a bigger problem then having a Co-wife.You could be divorced and all by your by yourself, he could beat the hell out of you, you could be widow in a Syrian refuge camp….There are many Muslim women who need a husband and men have desires too which need to be fulfilled in a lawful way.How can he do this if he cant marry? You want him indulging in zina?Whenever a man takes another wife it DOES NOT MEAN THAT THERE IS ANYTHING WRONG WITH THE FIRST WIFE OR THE HE DOES NOT LOVE HER ANYMORE.The nature of man is different than of women. A man rarely comes out his shell and shows his emotions and talk about his feelings.But understand well that sharia grants superior right to the husband and as long your right of a separate living space( i. e a room with a key), food , 2 sets of clothing during 1 year( 1 in the summer and 1 in the winter) the mehr at the time of marriage are not violated than you have no reason to complain.A man can marry 1, 2, 3 or 4 women all at once or in steps for any reason and does Not need the permission of the wife !Even if he can’t maintain them .The marriage is validThe risq is in Allah’s Ta’ala handsAllah Ta’ala will test Muslims with health, wealth and children.And women in spacial are tested with jealousy as this is their jihaad to fight against jealousy if the husband takes a 2., 3. or 4. wife.Women are by nature jealous and can’t tolerate to share their husband with any other woman be it mother in law or another wife or sister in law, or girls friend..

Please please, this fatwa is killing me. I understand they say is so difficult for husbnad to see his three sick children he wants to live with other wife to rest half time but this mean I am with tham all time and half time alone!! They are his children to…. This fatwa has hurt my soul and I can not believe it is right like this. Why should he be allowed to leave his children it says nowhere in the Quran a husbnad can leave his children half time no? And even if he cant maintain us he can still marry again. I am sorry sisters but I am hating my religion now may ALlah forgive me I am full of hate. /womanwithoutrights