Second in Polygamy

Heart-beatSo, today is Husband Swap day. We have a three day schedule, with a few adjustments made for special days like birthdays, and vacations. Usually it works just fine, it’s become normal.

This morning, I left Mark to go fetch a mirror I had had repaired, and after that I was going to Graham in the Chilterns. But just as I was leaving the shop in Slough, Mark called me and asked if I could stop by in St Albans and pick up a bag of books from a co-worker of his. I said fine, So, I texted Graham that I would be late because I needed to do Mark this favour and that was that. I thought.

When I came to the Chilterns, there was nobody there. No Tamsin, no Graham. And when I tried calling him, no answer. I called Mark and my children, they hadn’t heard anything either. I was so worried! Then, I got a text from Graham.

“Gone to the airport. Tickets for Dublin. Going alone, since you would have made us miss the flight. Tamsin’s with mom.”

I called him, over and over. And then I got another text:

“Please stop calling. I don’t want to talk to you right now. I’m going on my own, need to be alone. I want to come first in my own life for a couple of days, since I’ll obviously always come second in yours. Don’t worry. We’ll be fine.”

So, there you are.

Surprises are a bad idea in polygamy. Not keeping the schedule is a bad idea. Taking each other for granted is a bad idea.

I really don’t know what to do know. Maybe I’ll just go back to London.

22 thoughts on “Second in Polygamy

  1. Ok so graham had a ‘eff this’ moment iv been there, many times. I dont know of london is where mark is but i wouldn’t suggest going back there.
    I have 3 ideas. Stay in Chilterns, enjoy your alone time, maybe book a spa and give graham the time he asked for.

    Book last minute travel to dublin. Tx graham tell him your on ur way there, say he may want to be alone but you dont. Your very sorry he feels second, its his time and you ll cross moutains and rivers to be with him.

    Go back to London, overthink things, argue via tx message with graham (maybe) silently moan about the situation. Blame yourself, graham, mark, bimbo.

    Personally id go to dublin, even if i was still alone and my husband wouldn’t talk to me.

  2. I jumped when I read your comment! I texted Graham earlier “I am so so sorry. Love you. Forgive me. Can’t I follow you to Dublin? If no, then I’ll just go back to London and wait for you to call. Please forgive me. I’ll try and make it up to you. Never want to hurt you”. And he answered “So because YOU let me down, disrespected me and ruined our days together, you’re going to give my days to Mark???! Sod it! Can’t believe you!! Don’t you dare come after me! Damn it Fi, sometimes you’re a real bastard.”

    I’m just crying my eyes out. This shouldn’t be happening any more. I’m so stupid.

  3. Fiona. Heres what id do.

    Id go dublin and not tell him till im there. Id go to one of our favourite places (like a restaurant) and then tx and tell him im waiting, That i wasn’t planning to spend his time doing anything but sitting alone, crying, working out a way to fix it, so i figured id do it in dublin.

    He may not meet u, you may spend the entire time alone, but at least hell know you care and hes not second.

  4. Good advice.

    We’ve never been to Dublin together. We’ve talked about it many times, but never been. I’d be on a complete goose-chase 😦 But you’re right. And there are some really affordable flights available. It’s just an hour twenty minutes. I might just do that.

  5. What made you think you could make polygamy more livable than a man could? What made you think polygamy would be easier on Graham and Mark than it was on you?

  6. May Allah preserve us all from the wickedness in this blog! I have never read such filth and can destroy the modesty of women and gheerah of honest men. I will beg the writer to take this blog down and not insult women who are devoted wives and submit happy to the law of Allah. And the local masjid should tell this dayyuth who is husband that he will be one of the three to be in Hell. May Allah protect the gheerah of muslims and the modesty of muslimahs.

  7. Oh Uthman, go to hell. On second thought, stay in nursery school, which is where you are.

    (And PS, thanks for the comedy hour: write in to a blog that you claim shouldn’t exist.)

  8. Fiona,

    I am sorry you found yourself in such situation despite doing nothing wrong but I hope you understand your time with Graham/Mark is the only time when he has any authority over you or his marriage. Your time with him is all that he has got.

    But going back to London was the worst idea ever not only for Graham but Mark too..don’t you think?

    Graham while he was already feeling like the second best thing in your life might have felt as just an option for you, in that too second choice! And for Mark it would have ended with him feeling like an option too as it meant you being with him… but…. only because Graham isn’t available and that too until he calls you that is while seeing you being worried over Graham… Also it might have made both your husbands realise what to expect from you when they are struggling emotionally and unavailable!

  9. Go fiona go, run to dublin! As much as graham says no, I think he needs you to, to reassure him. Good luck!

  10. First, Uthman, go fuck yourself.
    Sorry, it’s like 150 degrees here in the midwest USA, and my air conditioner isn’t keeping up. I’m cranky.

    Second, Fiona, don’t you DARE go back to London and Mark. Graham’s right, and you should NOT have even suggested such a thing when talking to him.

    I might be in the minority, but I disagree about following him to Dublin. Give him his space. Let him know how much you love him, yes. Apologies up the wazoo, definitely. I think he is acting a bit like a petulant child, BUT at the same time, having been married to a man who was married to someone else, you can’t imagine the kind of stuff that set me/#2 off. Had I been able to, I’d have hopped a plane out of the country alone, too.

    So am I to understand that Graham had booked this Dublin trip without telling you? If that’s the case, he screwed up. I get how awesome surprises are, but 1. If you don’t even know about it, how the fuck can you be held responsible, and 2. shit happens. You could have had a flat on the way to the Chilterns. Would he still have a hissy fit and fly off in a snit if that had happened?
    3. I can’t imagine the book run you did for Mark took that much time – why did Graham book the trip so close to the time you were supposed to arrive?

  11. I didn’t go.
    I looked up flights, and could have gone, but I was simply to miserable. And tired.
    So I’m still in the Chilterns.

    I had promised to be on time yesterday, but I was one and a half hours late. I suppose, if I’d texted I’d had a flat Graham would have called and come for me or something. My running errands for Mark on his time was another matter. And yes, I understand that.

    I do realize how stupid my instinct was, to go back to London. I just instinctively felt like I didn’t want to be here alone and miserable. I just felt “What am I doing here then?”. But I was wrong of course.

  12. Hi there Uthman!

    Thanks for visiting us, to read our filth. You know it’s strange, but the women who come here aren’t generally insulted by what we write. No, it’s the men who are. Isn’t that odd?
    My first husband is not a dayuuth. I am not committing zina. I am married to both my husbands, and in the quran An Nisa 4:24 it clearly says that married women are allowed multiple spouses if they agree to be what the man possesses with his right hand. And I did agree. And Graham agreed to be what I possess with my right hand. We both wear our wedding rings on the right hand as a token of this.

    So my husband is not a dayuuth, but simply a believing muslim who happily submits to the word of Allah 🙂

    But thank you for your concern.

  13. Fiona,
    There are so many things one has to do to keep the ship afloat. Many times a day I think to myself “if I’d done this” or “if I’d done that” this other thing wouldn’t have happened, which may or may not have been true of course.

    Also to remember, there are usually multiple causes for things. Maybe Graham already had things already bubbling up, and he needed the time? Maybe though this isn’t what you would have chosen, you can also make something out of the alone time for yourself? Just a thought.

  14. Uthman:
    I’m guessing you don’t actually read the Quran you just listen to whatever misogynist crap your scholars tell you. The Quran clearly says “Prohibited for you are the woman already bound in marriage EXCEPT (that’s the word you’ve been conveniently skipping over this whole time) those whom your right hand possesses. So if Fiona willingly entered this type of bond Then she is not doing anything prohibited by the Quran. Yup, yup Jokes on you!!

  15. Fiona, it’s occurred to me Graham is going to return just in time for your days to be up, and you’ll leave for Mark. Probably, this will make Graham feel no better. Have you thought about this and what you might do? Perhaps you extend his time by the amount of time you were late on his day?

    I’ve always been a Graham supporter though 🙂

  16. I asked Mark, and he said I could stay an extra day 🙂

    These “f this s”- moments, as Sots called them, are few and far between nowadays. I don’t know if I have become better at not giving cause, or if my husbands have become better at handling them. But most of the time, my husbands are actually generous and understanding towards each other (and me).

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