Polygamy, and the Nature of Man and Woman

If I were to order anybody to do sudjud to another I would order husbands to prostrate before their wife, because of her immense rights over them.

If I were to order anybody to do sudjud to another I would order husbands to prostrate before their wife, because of her immense rights over them.

Over and over again, we hear from muslims that the fact that there are different rights and responsibilities for men and women in islam is based on the differences between the sexes. I won’t even go into the warped logics behind such a statement, but I would like to touch upon the idiocy of some of the arguments that come to light.

I will use this post from a mufti as an example:

 

The religion of Islām is a practical religion that also considers nature in directing laws and obligations. Polyandry is impractical for a woman and will place unbearable burden upon her. Thus, the prohibition of polyandry for a woman is based on care and compassion for her.

How will a woman fulfill the marital demands of more than one man, his intimacy needs, his temperament, and various other challenges? When a woman with one husband experiences so many challenges, imagine the burden with more than one husband.

What will a woman in such a relationship do when she is pregnant with one man’s child? How will the child’s lineage stay secure? Consider the emotions, jealousy, etc. she will have to undergo from the other husbands.

It is clear from the above that Allah Ta’ālā’s ruling of prohibiting females to have more than one husband reflects the hikmat and wisdom of Allah and His compassion for women.

And Allah Ta’āla Knows Best

AbdulMannan Nizami

Student Darul Iftaa
Chicago, IL, USA

The religion of Islām is a practical religion that also considers nature in directing laws and obligations. Polyandry is impractical for a woman and will place unbearable burden upon her. Thus, the prohibition of polyandry for a woman is based on care and compassion for her.

If it were a woman’s nature to obey her husband, give up on half her inheritance, live polygyny, give up work, hide her face etc. she would do so without any rule forcing her! It is only when something is unnatural that we need a law and force to make it happen.

And in what way is polyandry impractical? As a matter of fact, it is highly practical! A woman gets the incomes of two males to support her children, it could solve the issue of over-population, the children of the family get two males to look up to and be protected by, and the woman gets to enjoy variety and the pleasure of two or more husbands.

How will a woman fulfill the marital demands of more than one man, his intimacy needs, his temperament, and various other challenges? When a woman with one husband experiences so many challenges, imagine the burden with more than one husband.

First of all, a woman is able to have sex as many times as she likes in a day. The same is not true for a man. So women are biologically much better suited to please several partners than men are. Men are simply inept and bound to fall short when it comes to polygamy and sex. Or how could a man fulfill the marital demands of two, or four, women who all need sex on the same day?? Nope. Men are incapable of this. Women are made for it. And this temperament issue – aren’t you contradicting your own creed? I thought this whole gender-discrimination thing was built on the claim that women are temperamental, men are rational? So of course, it is much easier for a temperamental and emotional woman to keep two or more rational and reasonable men happy, than for a rational man to keep two or more emotional and temperamental women happy! Anybody can understand that, you silly sod. As for challenges, muslims tend to defend their misogyny stating that the gender preference is because of the many challenges and the responsibility that men have to face. Now, you suddenly claim that it’s women who face challenges. So, what way do you want to go?? And as I just said, the challenges are evidently much greater for polygamous men than for polygamous women.

What will a woman in such a relationship do when she is pregnant with one man’s child? How will the child’s lineage stay secure? Consider the emotions, jealousy, etc. she will have to undergo from the other husbands.

Actually, it was perfect. I had two men supporting our family while I was pregnant. Two men who could support each other through my pregnancy. Two men who could help each other. One man who could take care of the house and keep working while the other staid at home with me once my baby was born. So – what’s the problem as you see it?? The lineage is no problem, easy peasy. DNA. The test takes 2 minutes. (One of my husbands can’t father a child any more, so for us it didn’t even take 2 minutes to work out). Any child could teach you how to take the test. Problem solved!

As for emotions and jealousy – again…YOU are the people claiming that women are emotional, men are rational. If that were true, of course men wouldn’t be jealous and emotional about sharing their wife. As it is, you guys are full of BS, and men are just as emotional. But the thing is, women are much better at empathy. We can handle emotional spouses much better than men can. So again, women are much better suited at being polygamous than men are!

It is clear from the above that Allah Ta’ālā’s ruling of prohibiting females to have more than one husband reflects the hikmat and wisdom of Allah and His compassion for women.

No. It is clear from the above that the ruling that says females should not be allowed to be polygamous is misogynistic bullshit. And if you read the quran, you’ll find that Allah actually allows polyandry. Only misogynist men have interpreted the sura their way and contradicted Allah. And come up with crap like the BS above to excuse this crime against humanity.

And Allah Ta’āla Knows Best

Well, better than muslim scholars anyway.

AbdulMannan Nizami

Student Darul Iftaa
Chicago, IL, USA

You do know that polygyny is illegal in the US, bro?

37 thoughts on “Polygamy, and the Nature of Man and Woman

  1. You know when my husband asked the sheikh at our masjid about polygamy the sheikh said something like: you know giving gifts and taking care of a non mahrem woman is a good thing, you can ensure she has everything she needs, be kind and advise her, invite her to dinner with you and your wife.

    When my husband asked for advice for a man who was going to get a second the sheikh said. My advice is, if your wife doesnt want it you will have a lot of problems. Be kind to her.

    Obviously he didnt get the hints at the time. He see now, albeit too late. But the funny thing is a brother has recently asked him “how polygamy goes” he didnt really know how to answer, he said “i wanted to tell him not to do it but it didnt seem like that was what he was asking”
    We talked about that situation for a while and it ended with me saying even if you told him not to, he still would. He was sure that any man whos got “sense” would listen, i replied with “why, you didnt” annnnnnnd silence.

  2. Fiona, your posts expose more and more the BS that these scholars have their heads stuck in.

    And the BS that Muslims around the world are told in to follow the scholars show why the Muslim world are overall stuck in BS.

    Formula:

    Follow BS logic on leading life with no real life evidence of it working properly, but instead working the reverse = stay in BS

    The Muslim world will remain stuck in BS till this ideology is addressed.

  3. Mine said over and over and OVER that he never wanted 2 wives. He saw, growing up around polygynous family members, what a misery it was. He said no man in his right mind would want it. Yet he did it anyway.

    The article….I’m flabbergasted that this mufti can’t see how ridiculous his arguments are. I shouldn’t be, but I am.

  4. I know it’s unbelievable. But the truth is, this is what it sounds like from most muslim sources. This is not the odd one out.

  5. Any tom, dick or harry can call himself a mufti or scholar. In fact most of these so-called scoholars have only ever studied islam and islamic education is based on blind following, not questioning. In that context we shouldn’t expect any critical reasoning to appear amongst such “scholars”.

    For a religion that says people should be humble, peacocking is worse among muslim men than any others. There seems to be a narcissistic need to be reverred.

    Sots, I’m disappointed your husband didn’t take the opportunity to be frank about polygamy with the man that asked him. Do you think he is embarrassed to admit it’s not working that well. Perhaps he’s not ready yet to stop trying. I think saying the guy wouldnt listen is a cop by your husband, I’m sure your husband gives dawah to people who won’t listen. Perhaps he couldn’t say it without revealing details about you wives, I could understand that.

  6. You said your husband, Sots, is awakening to the reality and down sides of polygyny. What exactly is he now realizing? What is making him have second thoughts?

  7. Sometimes I cannot help but wonder how these so called honorable men who speak and spread such things are able to look into the mirror? Sleep peacefully at night?

  8. Read this post on FB tonight (our Saad shared it) and had to pass it on.

    Dear women who applaud honour killings,

    I know how women like you must feel so different, so far apart from the women we hear about almost daily on the news, being murdered by their fathers, brothers, uncles or significant others. I know why you sit back and shrug your shoulders and give whatever inane reason you can to justify that murder. I know it is because you have bought the patriarchal lie: that you will be protected, as long as you are “good”. You think you can sidle up to the patriarchy and it will kiss your forehead and smooth your dupatta-covered hair and say, kitni acchi bacchi hai. You believe that as long as girls obey men, as long as they toe the line, nothing will happen to them. And if it does, they must have done something to deserve it.

    Here is the thing, sisters: the line keeps moving. The reasons for ending a woman’s life keep expanding, as does the criteria for being called “beysharam”. An estimated 1000 women are murdered annually in Pakistan in the name of honour, and every human right’s organization agrees that this figure is a severe underestimate. But all of them must have done SOMETHING to warrant it, right? A woman was found with a boyfriend? Well, obviously that’s haram and she must have dishonoured her entire khaandaan single-handedly, right? She married a man of her own choosing? Hmm, that’s technically her Islamic right, but maybe she should have sought her family’s approval. She wanted to work after marriage? She turned down a marriage proposal? She was talking on a cell phone in public? She wanted to go outside to enjoy the rain with her sister? Where do you think it ends? Exactly where and how do you sit that you feel so secure that tomorrow, it won’t be you?

    The patriarchy owns both the right to draw and constantly redraw the line of decency, and it owns the movement of your feet. It believes it owns your very breath. Your existence is not a right, it is entirely conditional. When a man can cut his sister’s throat, or put a bullet in his own daughter, and innumerable people can nod their heads and “mmmm” with approval, and say “aise hi hona chahye”, how could you possibly fool yourself into thinking that men protect you? How can you lie to yourself and say, “I am safe because I follow the rules.”

    You are not a daughter of Pakistan. You are a hostage. Your education, right to marry the person of your choice, right to live as you please are all favours bestowed upon you. Do not think benevolence is the same as love. Do not think this conditional existence is freedom. Do not think that when your sisters’ lives can be so easily discarded, that you are somehow an exception to the rule. Until we are all free, none of us are.

  9. Mark once told me that when he was asked by his male muslim friends how polygamy was working out, he didn’t hear “How’s polygamy working out”, he heard “So, are you man enough to handle two wives?”. So he felt there was really no other answer than “yes”. And when a male muslim asked him “Based on your own experience now, would you recommend polygamy” he heard “So, based on your own experience now, are you man enough to handle and be a leader of two wives” and he had to answer yes. And he told me he would never ever have admitted this to me, had I been a muslim wife.

    Last night as we were talking about how he came to choose polygamy, Mark told me he felt like in a way he wasn’t really choosing polygamy per se, he was choosing “to be a man”. To “man up”. And he said he realized that could be interpreted both in a good and a bad way. And he supposed it was a bit of both. He said he was deeply aware of the hurt and pain he was inflicting. But, he said, he wasn’t acting on reason. He was acting on something he wouldn’t call emotion but something even more primal than that. “I suppose it was the caveman in me, wanted to get married again. And it felt good, since I was told it was the moral thing to do. I could give her a life, a happy life and be rewarded for doing it. And the caveman in me just roared YES”

  10. A salam alaikum

    Please forgive me if my post is long.

    I am married to a good man. He really is a very good husband and I have always thanked Allah for giving me such joy and companionship. We studied together and I liked him from the start and when his mother and father contacted my parents and asked to talk marriage I thought there is no such happiness but from Allah! We are best friends. He is always supporting me. I am about to finish my master and he has been so helpful and he is proud of me. He likes that I am strong and clever. I have never felt anything but we are partners and companions.

    He is also a very romantic man. He comes with little presents and he takes me out on surprise evenings. I dress modestly and I use a scarf, not full hijab. He has always said I must do what I feel is right. I want you to understand, he is very modern. He grew up in the US, I came here when I was eight.

    We don’t have any children yet, because I wanted to finish my degree first. We’ve been planning on trying next year. He finished last year and has begun working at a local practice. I am so happy with my life, so grateful.

    Two months ago, when we were talking about planning for a baby and maybe buying a house, my husband asked me how I felt about a really large family. I said I was hoping to have at least three kids InshAllah. He looked at me and said that he meant a really big family. I laughed and said we should pray for one child at the time. He took my hands and looked really serious and said he meant, a polygamous family. I can tell you, my head started spinning so bad I thought I’d fall over! I tried to laugh it off at first bu he said he was serious. I started crying, I couldn’t even speak to him about it I just hurt so bad. He comforted me and let go of the subject. But a week later he brought it up again, and said he could take me to a sheik who could answer any questions I might have and make me see the beauty of it. I said I didn’t want to talk to a sheik, I never wanted to talk about it at all ever again. My husband was really understanding. He understood everything I was feeling and he said there were ways to make it easy on me.

    He’s been talking about it ever since, and now he’s saying he’s made up his mind and is marrying again. I think I am dying. These months are all a blur to me. A blur of disbelief and pain. I feel like I am caught in a spider’s web. And the man I love, the one best friend I could count on, is the spider. And when I look at him I see a big hairy spider with fangs :/ But still, he is my love, my husband.

    I don’t even know what I’m asking for here. Sympathy maybe. Advice. Something to help me change my husband’s heart. Or just somebody to listen. I can’t talk to anybody. I am so ashamed. My parents would go crazy if they knew. My husband keeps talking about this, every day, every night. There is no safe haven for me. When ever I manage to breathe for a couple of minutes, he brings it up again and my breathing stops.

    He keeps saying I’ll get used to it, it’ll become the new normal. He keeps saying our love won’t change. He keeps saying he loves me.

  11. Unchained,

    That post you put is spot on. This portion sums up patriarchy:

    “The patriarchy owns both the right to draw and constantly redraw the line of decency, and it owns the movement of your feet. It believes it owns your very breath. Your existence is not a right, it is entirely conditional.”

  12. Dear Sakine, I have been there! Hang in there, calm down and read the comments with an open mind, please. I am familiar with the emotional turmoil you are in. This happened to me exactly three years ago… The blunt, direct piece of advice would be: RUN while you still can! He seems to have made up his mind and he will marry again, no matter what it takes. Maybe he already has someone on his mind, as it happened in my case… Do not even think about having kids with him, do not think that a child will make him change his mind. Do not put extra efforts into your relation with him hoping that he will change his mind, this is what I did and it took me nowhere! Talk to him, tell him that you are never going to accept this and your relationship with him is not what is used to be. After three years in the hell called polygyny, I can honestly tell you that all my life went downhill: emotional and financial struggle, trust is gone, love is gone, respect is gone! Get away from this while you still can! I am too angry now and cannot focus properly, I’ll get back later!

  13. Sakine,

    I wish I could advice you, but I don’t know what to say. It’s unbelievable, your story, and how your man is behaving oblivious to how you feel. Its a basic instinct to not want to share your spouse with anyone. How these men are not able to understand the need of the wife for the husband to respect this instinct of her’s, for her to trust and love her husband, is beyond me.

    “my husband asked me how I felt about a really large family. I said I was hoping to have at least three kids InshAllah. He looked at me and said that he meant a really big family. I laughed and said we should pray for one child at the time. He took my hands and looked really serious and said he meant, a polygamous family. I can tell you, my head started spinning so bad I thought I’d fall over!”

    How abnormal this is. F*ck this. F*ck this man for doing this to his woman. F*ck all men who even remotely behave this way with their woman who they are supposed to protect, cherish and love, like a princess who is in their hands.

    Also f*ck him for making other women lose trust and hope in marriage by them watching this man’s example.

    “I can’t talk to anybody. I am so ashamed.”

    Also f*ck these men who bring such a humiliating problem to their wife.

    “My husband keeps talking about this, every day, every night.”

    “I feel like I am caught in a spider’s web. And the man I love, the one best friend I could count on, is the spider. And when I look at him I see a big hairy spider with fangs”

    These b*stard men are indeed the hairy spiders with fangs.

    “He keeps saying our love won’t change. He keeps saying he loves me.”

    Like my ass he does. He doesn’t even know what love is, and what encompasses love. He needs to attend Love 101 course to learn the basics of what encompasses love.

  14. Sakine,
    Did you express to your husband clearly that this is something you dont want, and that it is hurtful to you. You have to communicate with him and let him know that you are serious and what he’s doing is selfish and it will destroy the relationship you have with him. A lot of women who find themselves in your shoes are not straight forward and honest with their husband. I don’t know why women do this, but staying quiet is not the answer. If you don’t tell him that you will not support him and will not accept this then he will assume that eventually you’ll get with the program and get over it. Everytime he brings it up you have to be very blunt and straight forward with him. Make sure he knows that he’s making a mistake, and that if he values your relationship then he won’t go through with it. That’s the first step, clear straight forward communication. That way you can know whether or not he cares about your feelings or if he’s seriously determined to go through with this no matter who it hurts.

  15. Fiona + LIG

    My husband saw the reality of polygamy the day after he got married when i told him to go f@@k his wife and get out my face.

    He is a VERY reserved person and no, if someone isnt listening he wont continue to talk, even if they are listening he doesnt talk much.

    What hes gathered is that men who ask about polygamy are not asking whether they should or shouldn’t, there just letting each other know their thinking about doing it.

    Hes not the peacock type. He only told a handful of people and usually its because they ask how many children he has, so he has to confess that he has kids from 2 different women. He doesn’t want the respect from men for having 2 wives. He finds the whole thing “stupid”.

    The reasons he has……. well theres never been a clear answer, more of a mixture of different reasons. Similarly there’s never been a clear answer as to whether he plans to stay married to her.

    He said he would never recommend it, and would never suggest or pretend like its a bed of roses. He a very secure man and wouldn’t feel like a failure by confessing it was a bad idea. And surprisingly women dont like it.

  16. Sakine

    I dont know of a simple answer. Men tend to have tunnel vision once they’ve decided to marry again. Its very difficult to get them to understand, they have a solution for every problem. You have to repeatedly let him know you are not happy about it. NEVER show any sign that you ‘might’ be able to be ok. He will only remember that you said you’d try or something similar. The fact that you may have been crying for days will conveniently slip his mind.

    Stay with us. Ill help you best i can

  17. Sakine,

    I’m so sorry your world was shattered in such a cruel and inhuman way by the man you love. You have a lot going for you, though. You’re young, you don’t have kids binding you to this jerk, and you have a rational mind that told you from the jump that this is wrong. A family who won’t guilt-trip you into staying in this hell, I assume, since you said they’d go crazy if they knew. AND, you have a place to talk about it right here.

    Get out while you can, sweetie. And let your family know why.

  18. I have often wondered what I would have done if Mark had told me his intentions before he married nr 2. I simply don’t know.

  19. I wouldn’t describe Mark as a peacock type either. Nor is he a macho macho man kind of guy. But he is sort of….impressionable. He gets excited about things. He’s kind, gentle, secure and loving, but at the same time I could easily picture him taking part in the charge of the light brigade.

    Last time I heard a man asking Mark about polygamy, he said “It’s the safest road to hell, in this life and the hereafter”. He says he wishes somebody had been honest enough to tell him that. And he feels like sh*t about the poor sods he used to lie to, and say polygamy was all good.

    I suppose in a way it’s like women lying about what it’s like to give birth. When young women ask me, I don’t feel comfortable about telling them all about the pain, 30 or 40 hours of it, the discharge, the fear, the begging to be allowed to die, the months of pain and healing, the surgery I had to go through to be able to go to the loo properly again. No, I say “You’ll be fine”.

  20. If he saw the reality the day after he got married – how come you’re still thinking he might divorce her?

  21. Funny you should say that fiona. Because iv asked direct and not so direct questions. Directly i asked if he would be polygamous till i die, he said NO. i refrained from asking again as im scared of the answer. Its as if hes waiting for the ultimatum. Ya know if he HAS to choose. But as long as he DOESNT HAVE TO he wont, i come to that conclusion recently. In have let him know that their was/is (im not sure where i am yet) a small window of opportunity to try and pick up the pieces and salvage whats left. Because by the time he realises that he has to choose, there will no choice left if you know what i mean. To little to late. The time is now.

  22. I forgot to mention. I dont ‘hope’ he will divorce her. Id just prefer to know what he intends to do. I dont want to change my whole life (basically build a new one) for him to turn round and say its over. I cant take them seriously. It seems like a farce, although im not exactly laughing.

  23. I remember how I just didn’t want to give my husband an ultimatum, when he told me of his second marriage. I couldn’t. It felt like if I did, if I had to do that, I wouldn’t want him anyway.

  24. I know right. How can you be happy and move on if you had to FORCE someone into a relationship (back to monogamy) its one thing that always baffled me about polygamous man- how they can be happy knowing what theirs wife is going through. Dont even get me started with the intruder.

  25. Fiona,

    I understand when a woman says it’s me or her, it’s Ultimatum. What happens if we consider a scenario when a woman says if you want to remarry it’s your choice and upto you as it should be but whether I chose to stay or leave it’s upto me my choice as it should be and I absolutely cannot and will not accept polygyny, I refuse to stay married to a man who marries again, will it be considered giving ultimatum too?

    If she is making it absolutely clear that he can remarry and get another wife but she will divorce him and he’ll lose her, will it be considered her forcing him to stay married to her and only her?

    When I compare this scenario with a girl making it absolutely clear to her fiance or a wife to her husband that cheating is a deal breaker to her and it will lead to divorce no matter what.. I don’t think of it as ultimatum but rather a frank discussion about their expectations and deal breakers, though of course with my lack of experience in this aspect I am not too sure, what do you Ladies think about it?

  26. Sakine,

    I know you are not looking for advice but do you realise you have your whole life ahead of yourself and apparently there’s nothing that’s binding you to him or forcing you to stay with him? Can you seriously picture yourself spending your whole life as a martyr at the cost of your husband’s lust?

    I hope you understand Whether you chose to stay or leave, saving your marriage is not an option here, either you’ll leave, mourn the loss of your marriage and move on and give yourself an opportunity to find love and happiness again or you’ll stay and daily witness the bit by bit death of your marriage and everything associated with it while losing yourself in this painful process too..

  27. Sakine,

    If I were you I’ll tell my family because if they love and care then they will help and support you, there’s no way you can spare them the pain or lessen it infact they might feel even betrayed later if you’ll keep them in dark.

    Also please atleast just stop with the MENTAL SLAVERY already by choosing to love, trust and even defend your oppressor.. Your Husband should be ashamed of himself, not you. What have you done wrong?

  28. Sakine

    WAS

    I know that right now there is little anybody can do, since by the end of the day you are alone with your husband in your marriage. Nothing makes a woman feel so alone as when her husband goes for a second wife. But you are in my duaas, I hope you can feel that.

    You say your husband says there are ways to make this easy on you. What does he mean by that? My husband said the same to me and when I asked him what he meant he said he would be fair and he would keep saying he loved me and show it. I told him nothing prevented him from doing that without marrying a second wife.

    Men have oh so many reasons to go for a second marriage. There is always another reason. So talking only gives them a feeling that they can persuade you. Don’t do that. Don’t ask questions, don’t ask for reasons, don’t ask for time. All this will only serve to make him think you will eventually accept. trust me I know.

    My sister saw what happened to my marriage when my husband married a second wife. She knew, not from other people telling her but from she had seen for herself, that this is no life. So when her husband said he would marry again she said nothing. But she went to the qadi and claimed Khul. And her husband got the letter from the court. So he knew he must choose. That was the last she heard of polygamy.

    Sister, he can not make it easy on you. This is a great lie. It can never be made easy.

  29. I can’t tell you how much it means to me to have found this blog, to have found people to talk to! With everything only in my head, at times I’ve felt like I am going mad.

    Today I went to the beach with a couple of friends. We sat there drinking ice tea, feeling the wind and the salty smell in the air. It was so wonderful, peaceful, and I felt happy. And then I started to think what it would feel like to sit there knowing he was with another woman. Laughing with her, telling her stories, twirling her hair around his finger like he does mine. I don’t know how to describe the feeling that came over me. It was like someone had wrapped my head in plastic and I couldn’t breathe. My heart was literally beating its way out of my body and my stomach turned inside out. I fell over and had to grab hold of a railing beside me.

    My friends were worried of course, but after a while I realized from their smiles that they thought I might be pregnant. But I’m not Masha Allah.

    Now, I’m sitting here thinking maybe this is the day I tell my husband, tell my husband. Well that’s just it. I don’t know what to tell him.

  30. Men who want to marry again seem to believe more wives will give them more love, more pleasure, more happiness. They’ve got the maths wrong.

    When a man has one wife who loves him, he has 100% of a wife. This could mean 100% happiness if he takes care of what he’s got, nurtures it.

    A man who marries a second wife loses love and trust from his first wife. When a woman is through the slaughter-process that entering polygamy is, there is maybe 10 % of the love left that she once had for her husband. The new wife will maybe be infatuated, but since she knows she is competing with another woman who has a past, children, a home and a bed in common with her husband, her love will be maybe 60% So with two wives, the husband now has 70% love and his second wife will feel maybe 60% happy and the first wife not at all so he’s down to 60% happiness.

    The husband will feel this change, believe me! Some men pretend they don’t but of course they do. They had a hundred and are down to 70-60. In the beginning the pleasure and excitement of the second marriage will maybe be 100%, but the pleasure and excitement in the first marriage is at -100, so = 0.

    After a while, when infatuation and excitement wears off and the second wife realizes he loves his first wife, has relations with her and won’t leave her, her love and happiness go down to maybe 25%. The first wife on the other hand is working down from the 10% in order to be free from the pain and suffering. So the husband is at 35% love and sinking fast. And he knows it!

    This is where pride sets in. And a feeling of not being able to go back. Being a man. So the man lets things slide, because there is nothing he can do about it. And they’ll all end up without love and happiness completely. Or, the first wife leaves him and he’s stuck with around 20% love and happiness because the second wife will be hurt that the first wife left him – not the other way around – and she will be scarred by the knowledge that he may at any time do to her what he did to wife 1. Or, he may divorce the second wife. This will leave him feeling guilty, and his first wife will take a lot of time climbing back from the 10-5%. If she ever can. So he will be at 10% love, and – (minus) 50 happiness.

    And most stupid men will still be wondering what hit them, and how all their dreams and “good intentions” could turn sour….

    it’s a shame men are emotional and temperamental. If they were rational and acted on reason, they’d be able to do the polygamy maths!

  31. Mehrabeh, I admire what your sister did, she’s a clever one!! Two thumbs up for her

    Carmela, everything you said is so spot on!

    Sakine, I’m so sorry you’re going through this right now, polygamy is a terrible way to live, I couldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. Maybe you should tell your family, they can help you, give you strength to confront your husband and stop this now before it gets too far. I know it’s hard telling family about this because it can feel shameful and embarrassing but your family cares for you and they don’t want to see you in that type of abusive relationship.

    Or another option would be to make intentions to leave. There’s nothing holding you back except the idea of the love you used to have with your husband. But trust me as soon as you enter polygamy, that love is gone. Your husband will try to tell you he still loves you, he’ll play with your emotions, and manipulate you to stay with him. But the truth is he is selfish and only loves himself and he needs you to stay so that he can give off the impression that he’s strong and manly and show off his two wives. Whatever he’s telling you he will be telling his other wife as well. He may even get his new wife to play nice for a while to try and manipulate you to stay. but she’s just looking for a way in. Not long after they’re married the true colors will most likely start showing. Also think about your future children, do you want to bring up children in such a dysfunctional environment, polygamy doesn’t equal one big happy family it equals to broken families. You’ll basically be a single mother with your husband only having to come home every other evening. I don’t want to scare you or make you more depressed than you already must be feeling. But whatever pain you’re feeling now it only gets worse once you’re actually living polygamy. It’s not a life that you want to live. Ask any woman who has experienced polygamy or is currently living polygamy if they could go back and prevent this from happening, or go back and run far far away while it was still early would they, and they will tell you yes.

    My advice to you, is to tell your family so that they can be your support system. Make sure he knows that you will not be a victim of his polygamous fantasy. And if he won’t give up on the idea, get out of that situation as soon as possible.

  32. LMAO…the math made my head spin – I’m a word girl, not a statistics girl, but I’d say this is precisely the formula. I know, without knowing exact percentages, that this is what happened in my poly marriage. SO glad I got the hell out.

  33. Carmela, I love your analogy, so true to my experience. And your description “the slaughter-process that entering polygamy is…” is so descriptive and accurate. Thank you.

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