The True State of Polygamy

imagesAs you probably know, my second husband Graham had a stroke a while back.

It has been scary, hurtful and it has opened our eyes to the value of life, just as it would have had our marriage been monogamous. But some of the issues we’ve had have been specific to polygamy.

I’ve been thinking a lot about the fact that one of my husbands could die, while I’m with the other husband. How would I feel if Graham had died from the stroke, while I had been off having a romantic night out with Mark, or making love to Mark? What would have happened if Graham had been all alone and unable to get help? What if he had been brain damaged, and the doctors had told me that if he had received help in time he would have been ok, but since he didn’t he’ll be living his life unable to communicate, eat or move…How would I live with that on my conscience?

I have realized that I can never be a half time wife to two husbands, I must be a full time wife to two husbands. There is no emergency I can decline attending to, there is no request I can turn down, there is no moment of sadness, loneliness or fear in my spouse that is not my responsibility to alleviate.

I have realized that had both my husbands had young children, I would have had to give up on polygamy. It would have been a 48 hours a day job, just to be a full time mother. No way could I have been a full time wife also. Any man who opts for polygamy with children in both his families does this knowing that he is forfeiting fatherhood and husbandhood in order to be polygamous. He chooses polygamy over his wives and children. Any spouse of such a man must be aware that this is his choice. Polygamy is more important to him than you are, than your children are.

It’s also been agonizing to see that my love for the other husband is still so painful to both my husbands. I think they’ve both lulled themselves into a calm life of make belief, where they both disregard my life with the other husband and my love for him. Like, each husband believes I have a love marriage with him, and a marriage of duty with the other. Ok, I can see how they build that scenario in their minds and hearts. But it keeps all the pain and hurt alive and raw, since all make belief  Potemkin villages are torn down and the truth comes out whenever life has me show my love openly.

You know, in one way or another, I believe the only way to survive when your spouse is polygamous is by building some kind of make belief around the whole situation. You make yourself believe you are the favourite. Or you make yourself believe that your spouse is just off to work when she/he is actually with another spouse. Or you make yourself believe this is what god wants. You make yourself believe you’ll be rewarded somehow if you can only make it through the day.

Polygamy is a matrix. It’s the Truman show.

 

97 thoughts on “The True State of Polygamy

  1. Thank you Amir for your honesty.

    Amanda, welcome. Don’t be offended but aren’t you wanting to have your cake and eat it too? I think, perhaps without realising it, you are taking advantage of your partner’s love and commitment to you. By asking his permission, you are absolving yourself of responsibility by falling into the ‘he said it’s ok’ scenario. You know he doesn’t want to share you. This is your decision to own. Do you really want to cause pain to someone who shows so much loyalty to you? It doesn’t matter if he says ok, what do you think? Do you think it’s ok? Be aware that even women who initially agree to their husband’s marrying again inevitably regret it and start resenting him for it and lose love and respect. Are you ready to risk that?

    Jenn, I agree polygamy is a bit like a forbidden temptation. The problem is while drugs and alcohol are forbidden, polygamy – unfortunately – isn’t.

  2. @Sots

    I did see that. 411 certainly is entertaining when Robin’s followers hold her toes to the fire, throws her words back at her. I know she hates that – I dared do it and boy oh boy….

    On another note, yes, her “novel” is self-published, indicated when she said something about pushing the “publish” button (traditional publishing does NOT work that way! LOL) So when she ranted about having a deadline with her book, she’s talking crap. That’s one of the perks of self-publishing – NO deadlines, but saying that served the purpose in her mind to remind everyone what a wonder-woman she is, and that she runs the show over there. And it was an excuse to exit when someone had the audacity to challenge her.

    I said it before and I’ll say it again – 411 should be renamed “Hypocrites R Us”.

  3. Unchained

    Ya know, it baffles me that the old school bloggers don’t call her out on the lies about her lifestyle. She claims to be the only wife at the same giving advice to women in polygamy. So she’s either the only wife and her husband is a major sinner by committing adultery. In that case the blog should be called “adultery 411” a blog helping those who’s husband pretends to be married to a kafir. Or she needs to stop lying and own up to her husband having another WIFE. Another hypocritical statement she makes is to not concern oneself with the reproaches of others, clearly she is concerned else she wouldn’t lie about her situation. It’s why I could never blog there, she either a straight up liar or she doesn’t live polygamy.

    You got the wonder woman part right, I wonder what the heck that woman is on about.
    It’s funny cuz according to fiona one has to build a make believe life in their head to survive polygamy, then ana said people should read her novel as if it’s make believe (wink wink) so I guess we should read it as an auto biography.

    I don’t think all of the bloggers are hypocrites. They just have to tip toe round ana to have a place to vent, a place where people won’t call their husbands out on his bs. Or tell them that some men actually don’t want to sleep with other women. Martens post was quite interesting, ana claimed that if men didn’t practice polygamy they’d be out there humping transvestites ect. Maybe the men she knows, but I know men who stay and have stayed married to one women having never cheated.

    I wanted to mention to you that it’s really cool you live with your grandchildren. Having little ones running around brings so much joy to a person’s life. I hope to have grandchildren one day, when my little ones, have little ones.

    Anyways, enough from me.

  4. I haven’t read in detail but it seems she just talks round in circles to hide the truth from people. The truth that she has never recovered from her husband’s polygamy. That’s why Marten’s post hit a raw nerve, he described the marriage she wanted and didnt get so she goes on attack. I like the way Marten points out she describes men similar to horny dogs and he refutes that men are made in such a way.

    I read a new one there, apparently someone said without polygamy “NO ONE” would remember Allah. Really? Well the majority of muslims are doing just fine remembering him without it!

    I think when people arrive there, they are tormented and desperate, and she gives them an out. She tells them it wasn’t their husband but Allah that chose polygamy and it’s fine for your husband to treat you like crap because your expectations of what a husband should be are unrealistic!

    On another matter, why does she choose european/light skinned images of women to represent her? I suspect there’s an underlying insecurity at work there too.

  5. LIG

    /On another matter, why does she choose european/light skinned images of women to represent her? I suspect there’s an underlying insecurity at work there too.//

    Lol. I had thought the exact same thing. I have no idea why she does that.

  6. LIG I’ve wondered that myself for a long time. You know how when you first start conversing with someone via the internet and without a photo reference, you tend to build up an image of them. I was actually shocked to learn Robin is African American. Because yes, her representative images are white. I wonder why.

    Yes, it does make it easier to stay in a polygamous marriage if you can somehow shift the blame from the husband to some invisible, intangible entity. But I will never for the life of me understand Robin’s theory that humans have no free will. It makes absolutely no sense in any way.

  7. Sots,

    I love my grandbabies dearly. Living with them is a challenge a lot of the time, as I crave peace and quiet and they’re anything but! I treasure the chance I have to watch them grow, though and be close to them.

    Robin professes to have such strong faith. However, any time one shows up and challenges her views, you can see she’s circling her wagons and has said that such discourse “sets her back” in terms of her deen. How is that even possible for a “believer”? It’s why she dismisses people like Marten by saying “You’re not a muslim so you don’t get it.” as if that’s sufficient enough explanation. What a load of crap. I think Robin is an extremely insecure and unbalanced woman.

  8. Why?!! do 2nd 3rd and 4th wives even bother to post on that two-faced bitch blog. Robin hates and despise them just as much as she does her Co-wife. She’s a straight up liar; that’s still polygamous…

  9. Well shit…my other WordPress username showed up here. It’s me, Unchained LOL!

  10. LOL sorry about that!

    Anonymous55, Robin professes to now accept subsequent wives — but like everything else, she flipflops all over the place about it. I don’t know why they bother, either because as soon as Robin loses her shit, it’s often one of them that gets hit. Number4 was a latest example.

  11. Unchained:
    “How is that even possible for a “believer”? It’s why she dismisses people like Marten by saying “You’re not a muslim so you don’t get it.” as if that’s sufficient enough explanation.”

    I’ve been regularly annoyed by this contradiction among and expressed by observant Muslims. Non Muslims, and many of the more secular Muslims, are dismissed as non-believers. So why do observant Muslims respond to what non-Muslims say about anything? Why do they care what the “west” does? Why do they freak out every time a non-Muslim portrays an image of the Prophet in a negative light? If we are all going into the hell fire anyway, why are Muslims so preoccupied with what we do?

  12. Re Ana’s choice of ethnicity in the graphics. What infuriates me, given all she says, is the eye make up, and positioning the nikab like it is a fashion statement in her avatar, and the depiction of sweet suffering glamour in the book jacket image. That woman is crazy. Her blog is just one long hypocritical Ana monologue.

  13. Dale,

    That’s asking a lot from Muslims. Whoever is brought up and lives among them knows that such rationality is a far-fetched idea when conversing with them.

    By the way a while back my mother gave me a lecture about over-thinking, and how it brings about unhappiness. She told me to be concerned with my own affairs only and not dabble with topics that will only hurt my health and happiness. The kind of thinking that you are describing is under the branch of “over-thinking” as well.

  14. By the way a lot of the time the people who dislike over-thinking in risk of it consuming their brain space and happiness are the same ones who blame God when their lives go wrong, when in fact another person could observe their actions and how it came by due to collective irrational thinking, where they pushed away rational thought as far as possible or suppresses it.

  15. Mariam,

    “Whoever is brought up and lives among them knows that such rationality is a far-fetched idea when conversing with them.”

    This is so, so true. I find it extremely frustrating (and ironic) when my Muslim friends/family members tell me that Islam is the most logical religion, yet they seem incapable of critical thinking and rational conversations themselves. I can’t even address this issue with them as they can’t see the irony! How/why does this lack of rationality happen? And how did you let it not happen to you?

  16. Hi Mariam,
    “That’s asking a lot from Muslims. Whoever is brought up and lives among them knows that such rationality is a far-fetched idea when conversing with them.”

    I understand it, psychologically. It is similar to a person who while viewing someone else in an entirely negative light, stays in relationship with them, treading water, instead of letting them go, and forming happier relationships that facilitate moving forward.

  17. Alisha,

    //I find it extremely frustrating (and ironic) when my Muslim friends/family members tell me that Islam is the most logical religion, yet they seem incapable of critical thinking and rational conversations themselves.//

    This is so 100% the situation of me living with Muslims, anywhere I go. Since my whole life I have lived in Muslim majority or Muslim ruled countries, I don’t know how Muslims are elsewhere in the world where they are a minority. But as you and me know, when they get among themselves, they are more free to be themselves without having to add additional sugarcoating.

    They keep repeatedly proudly how they are in the most rational religion, but you cannot get them to be rational after a certain point. When the conversation gets uncomfortable and they cannot argue back, they will simply leave the place, avoid any conversation related to the topic, or avoid you in some ways.

    Some others are also not interested to discuss about religion, especially the irreligious ones. They think religion is about praying and stuff like that, when it is so much more. Religion teaches you how to think, what to think, what actions are good and not good, how to live life, etc. They cannot grasp that. They think they are not religiously conditioned because they don’t pray, or party, drink, have sex outside marriage, etc. But yet after a certain point it will become evident that they haven’t escaped from the religious thinking either, especially if they grew up or lived in a Muslim majority or Muslim ruled country. It’s also the values that give them stability. And they typically don’t like going in depth to know what’s going on. They might even shift the topic to test your other areas of knowledge about the world and tell you to be more inquisitive with those, because the religious query may be an endless journey that isn’t worth spending so much time on. They may not realise that sometimes the person doing query might also be doing so in order to clean their mind and develop more stable values, after which they can understand and take on other topics from that perspective.

    Even today after the conversation with my mother, I was reflecting on past conversations with other people on such topics and how the observant ones usually cannot see the irony. Apart from a very few who were intellectual naturally and in the area of religion as well for a long time, and also curious to know more. I happened to be one of them, also Saad who used to comment here. Both of us came from having very religious values and identity. We probably couldn’t have done it without some outside help, willing to discuss and give some of their wisdom through exchanges. But at the end its always the person’s own willingness that pushed them out of the box, even if it required a number of years.

    So yeah, the only solution I feel to solving this state of deeply conditioned mind is by starting to do critical thinking, and listening to their own feelings. Some of us, like me, happen to be feeling based, which beside giving advantages like being more connected to the authentic feelings, also create problems like supporting conditioned feelings which are not good. In this case more research is necessary for the person to start going beyond those feelings.

    Its by no doubt a hard journey, a painful one, where it’s a struggle to avoid giving in to the illogical minds around that person. The same minds also tend to shower empty praise and love towards the ones who support their image and reputation. And those minds never understand the enormous struggle that person is going through to understand what is going on.

    What about you? How did you let the irrationality not get to you?

  18. Dale

    //If we are all going into the hell fire anyway, why are Muslims so preoccupied with what we do?//

    It’s a good question? I don’t think Muslims are preoccupied by what non-Muslims do, but due to the global attack on religion, religious people are busy comparing the laws, and social well being of the population. It’s become a point scoring debate. In a case such as polygamy, the argument is, is it better to have a bunch of unmarried women or for some women to endure the pain of sharing.

    The real reason Muslims should be concerned with what non-Muslims or sinful Muslims are doing is care, we’re SUPPOSED to care. A Muslim who understands to severe punishment that awaits non Muslims and some sinful Muslims SHOULD be concerned, concerned for their safety. A Muslim shouldn’t want anyone to enter hellfire. Although we know some people will, we don’t who will (except those explicitly mentioned by name). It should be clear for those who understand some ayat from Quran. Shaytan (the devil) wants all of mankind to end up in hellfire, he (the devil) is our enemy, we shouldn’t help him in his endeavors. By not trying to save people from hellfire, is helping Shaytan. It’s one of the reasons ana doesn’t belive in dawah, she wants some people (whom she dislikes) to go to hell. She helps the devil.

    Your other question, in regards to why Muslims we become upset when people speak badly of our prophet. The simple answer is because we love him, we love him more than ourselves (or at least we should) it’s a natural reaction when someone speaks badly of a person we love. If someone was to write an article calling a person you love horrible names and lying about them I’m sure you would be upset too. What annoys me, is when people speak badly of other prophets, accusing them of blasphemy and attributing major sins to them, Most Muslims don’t batter a eyelid. We should feel the same when any of the prophets are mocked, lied about ect.

  19. Unchained

    I propose the reason ana has so many set backs when people question her is because she lacks knowledge in the rational, logical proofs of Islam. It’s also probably the reason why Mariam and alisha find is difficult or even impossible to have a logical conversation in regards to the religion with some Muslims. Yes, we’re told it’s logical, but do they know the logical proofs. Most likely not. This is actually addressed in the Quran. In the ayah which states that people followed what they found their forefathers on. They believed because they was born to Muslim parents, the parents never taught them the proofs. Then they either followed that until death or they rejected islam because they didn’t know the proofs. It’s sinful to not know the logical proof, even if ones dies as a Muslim.

    It’s why when ana is questioned why one would be accountable if we have no will at all, she becomes angry and makes excuses to end the conversation. She doesn’t understand, it goes against her own observations and reasoning. She can’t explain it, she doesn’t understand the attributes of Allah, because she’s never learned them.

  20. Sots,
    Those are 2 very good answers, to me, and also in your interesting response to Unchained.

    I view religion quite differently of course. But I posed the question to the Muslim readers, not to myself. Thank you for your thoughts.

  21. //but due to the global attack on religion, religious people are busy comparing the laws, and social well being of the population. It’s become a point scoring debate.//

    Yeah, I have seen that happening. My own family members, when faced with arguments against their religious rules, immediately jumps to comparing with the laws of another religion like Hinduism. They bring up on how in the latter one women have no inheritance rights (at least we get half), cannot remarry after being widowed (we can), and their husbands are also allowed plural marriages.

    Then they apply full rationality for the latter, being astonished on how the community is fine with such injustice and don’t make collective complaints, and why they continue living normally in such oppression. I facepalm when I see the irony.

  22. That’s interesting, Mariam. I relate to your comments so well.

    “When the conversation gets uncomfortable and they cannot argue back, they will simply leave the place, avoid any conversation related to the topic, or avoid you in some ways.”

    I can’t tell you how many times this has happened to me. As a result, my questions are left unanswered. Which is probably why I’m here lol. I disagree with many things about Islam. I want to ask questions and discuss because I don’t want my disagreement to come from a place of ignorance, but of understanding and respect. However, most Muslims I have conversed with do not take well to my challenging their beliefs, and are also unable/unwilling to explain why. Attempts at explanations often involve quoting scripture, or diversion by pointing at the weaknesses of another faith. It is quite frustrating, but also makes me happy when I do encounter the very few (such as you) that are not afraid to have an objective conversation and are willing to accept that no faith system is exempt from critical thinking and improvement.

    “But at the end its always the person’s own willingness that pushed them out of the box, even if it required a number of years.”

    I agree with this very much. I suppose that’s how I escaped the irrationality. Since I was a child, the thing that absolutely infuriated my family was me simply asking, “Why?”. I’ve never stopped. I can’t do something unless I understand it. And I need to understand something to the bones.

  23. Thank you for sharing Alisha your experience. I relate to you very well also.

    //most Muslims I have conversed with do not take well to my challenging their beliefs, and are also unable/unwilling to explain why. Attempts at explanations often involve quoting scripture, or diversion by pointing at the weaknesses of another faith.//

    Okay, now I feel majority of the Muslims are the same in this respect lol.

    //Since I was a child, the thing that absolutely infuriated my family was me simply asking, “Why?”. I’ve never stopped. I can’t do something unless I understand it. And I need to understand something to the bones.//

    That is 100% my case as well.

    By the way where do you live currently? I feel the country one lives in, the freedom of speech there, and the community one is surrounded with (the more diversity in terms of race and religion the better. Also being away from a family with regressive or irrational mentality at least for a time being is better) aids and encourages someone to understand and investigate further after a point.

  24. Alisha.

    I understand your frustration. It should be obvious that if a Muslim is talking to a non Muslim or a born Muslim who doubts, quoting scripture is not the answer the’re looking for. Similarly, if a Hindu says to me, my scripture says this and because I believe my scripture so must you. My response would be that I don’t believe your scripture- what else do you have as proof. This is usually the point where both parties walk away.

    If you don’t mind me asking, what exactly don’t you understand? What’s your biggest issue?

  25. By the way Alisha, your comment reminded me of another warning my mother gave me yesterday, and a number of days before, and also my older sister who happens to be very smart otherwise (and somewhat irreligious), is that the more I do this research into religion, AND bring it up in conversations, the more I will lose friends and people around me. I will become more and more alone. Which is sad because my otherwise enthusiastic personality could have brought many friends to me.

    Well, that’s why I converse on this blog, lol. Although I still have to be careful on somewhat censoring myself. Anyway, it makes me wonder, how is a change in a community on an area possible if bringing up the very topic or anything related to it is such a taboo? It’s a question I cannot answer. I doubt an actual deep change on a number of areas in life is possible without addressing faith, and its pros and cons. At least the internet platform is available.

  26. Guess who pressed the “publish” button and went live on Amazon? A bit prematurely, it seems. I spy LOTS of errors, repetition, grammatical goofs, and way too much backstory to be able to read this as a “novel”. It’s not by any means a novel. I’m not just saying that because I know the story. It’s the writing style. It’s an autobiography 100%. And based on the free sample, it’s not a very well-written one.

    Gotta love the changes she made. A buyer for Neiman Marcus? LOL….wow.

    https://www.amazon.com/Silent-Tears-Polygamy-American-Female-ebook/dp/B01H6KMCWA/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1466307536&sr=8-1&keywords=The+silent+tears+of+polygamy

  27. So basically for the price of $7.00 USD, you get to read a slightly embellished and altered version of Polygamy411 old blog entries, peppered with lots of hubris and glorious descriptions of their life of luxury. While demeaning C, of course. Yawn.

  28. Mariam, the comment from your mom and sister makes me sad. I think this may be true for the part of the world in which you live. I suspect people may be afraid of the possibilities that you open up within their own worlds, and they avoid addressing them by avoiding you. I don’t think that would be the case everywhere else in the world, and certainly not in Canada where I live. I’m fortunate to live in a society that fosters free speech, even if some of the communities here don’t. And you seem like a pretty cool person to hang out with 😊. Considering your world views and philosophical bent, have you ever thought about moving to the western world to develop this part of you further?

  29. Thanks Sots, but I actually don’t think it’s quite that cut and dry. I can believe in a piece of scripture that belongs to a faith I don’t adhere to, so quoting scripture can be ok. I just don’t see how scripture can be proof of/for anything, which is what makes someone’s explanation weak to me. Walking away is what I wish to avoid, as we will never understand each other this way.

    As to the biggest issue that I don’t understand? It’s this question here:

    How can someone believe that something that is objectively immoral can be made moral because of his/her religious faith?

    This can apply to all religions really, but Islam is the topic here. Polygyny (especially without permission) is one example of something that is objectively immoral, but there are many others – death penalties, stonings, honour killings, or more everyday things such as the “right” to discipline one’s wife, the “inherent” weaknesses of women that require they obtain permission from men that affect their daily lives, or that they live by different rules. Objectively immoral things are actions that are just hurtful to others and against human rights, and we all have a natural sense of empathy to avoid these actions, unless we learn otherwise. That’s the issue for me.

  30. FYI:

    Robin’s annual income was at $60,000 when she retired; her pension is less than $30,000 annual.

    No John, the bitch would’ve been in the dog house…

    @ Unchained

    I agree just from the sample alone you can tell that it’s not a well written book; it’s more child like written….
    I wouldn’t waste my money on that piece of shit!!

  31. Anonymous 55, We at this blog have discussed Ana/Robin a lot and are clearly against all that she says but i dont think any of us ever resorted to name calling or used such strong language for her like you do. I noticed it earlier too and maybe you also posted under different screen name with similar language about her. Looks like you know her and are very angry. It will help if you can share your thoughts with us to whatever extent its possible.

  32. Yes, the book is poorly written, includes information thats not relevant and boring. I had planned to buy the book when it came out, but since reading the sample iv changed my mind.

    Anonymous55.
    Why u so angry at ana?

  33. Alisha, thanks for your comment. It makes me feel better than not all over the world such topics are so big taboo. I still feel they may carry some taboo, seeing the level of political correctness many Western people use. And a lot of that political correctness is harmful even to Muslims. As an instance, in USA, people have been scared to speak up against religious extremism, because of their political correctness. What ended up happening is that it gave space for people like Donald Trump to step in and fill the void, but in a very xenophobic and twisted way. So because of the failure of liberal democracies to address the religious extremism problem, now other cruel and retarded person can step in to speak up, hence increasing the hatred and cruelty against Muslims.

    By the way I don’t understand the term “Islamophobia”. The correct term should be “Muslimophobia”. The latter term is on a fear of people which may be unfair. The former term is a fear against a set of ideas, and it can be totally valid.

    Anyway, seeing the way most people react when they see other people looking into certain topics and speaking on them, and tells them to shut up and go along with the rest of the people since you are part of a culture now and have to abide as such, I do feel I have to migrate to a western country sooner or later. Or at the very least to a more progressive country. Canada is a great country, and a large number of freethinkers live in Canada, just I currently happen to be very sensitive to living in the cold 😦

  34. Alisha, by the way are you married? Or are you living with your parents or something? And in case if you marry a non-Muslim, how will your family in Canada react?

    Also if you don’t mind me asking, what’s your ethnicity?

  35. I’ve said it before; Robin is good at storytelling that makes her life look better or more exciting then her life actually is she’s a Pathological liar…

    @ Unchained

    Robin’s life of luxury…
    Was in an one bedroom apartment that John moved into when they married. LMAO!!

  36. Mariam, I absolutely agree with your comment regarding political correctness. It is backfiring and in a big way.

    Your comment about “Islamophobia” is interesting. I do agree with your comment about “Muslimophobia”. But to add to that, I mostly take issue that there doesn’t seem to be any valid acknowledgement for just plain old disagreement with Islamic principles. I don’t have a phobia. I’m not afraid of the religion or people. There are just some things I disagree with and question. I’m told that if I don’t agree, I don’t understand enough and need to study the religion further. If I still don’t agree, then repeat the process. Basically I’m left with two options: either I agree, or I don’t know enough to disagree. So if I keep learning (which I try to do anyway), the only possible outcome is that I will eventually agree. Valid and knowledgeable disagreement doesn’t seem to exist and gets thrown into the Islamophobia camp.

  37. Mariam, yes I am married. My husband and I met in high school. I was sixteen and in love at first sight. I knew right away that I would marry him. I was not allowed to date and so I saw him in secret. My family found out and we fought constantly. I couldn’t live with their controlling rules. I moved out of my parents house when I finished school, which was unheard of, and supported myself. Against our families’ wishes, we married. It was by far the best decision I’ve ever made. My husband is Roman Catholic. My family is from the Caribbean and mixed in faith. Although much of my family is Muslim, I was not raised as one. My family definitely had expectations (and restrictions and suggestions) of who I should marry. I didn’t care. God had already pointed my heart towards someone and I listened to it. I decided from an early age that if someone cannot see the beauty in my marriage, they can go suck the big one. My family has not accepted him to this day, although my parents have come around quite a bit.

  38. Alisha, your opinions on Islamophobia and how Muslims react when you bring disagreements is absolutely spot on. It’s somewhat amazing for me that no matter which country you go to, the Muslims have the same way of thinking. Well that shouldn’t be surprising, since they are all accessing the same scripture and texts, as well as the same explanations from scholars.

    //So if I keep learning (which I try to do anyway), the only possible outcome is that I will eventually agree. Valid and knowledgeable disagreement doesn’t seem to exist and gets thrown into the Islamophobia camp.//

    So much for training the adherents of the most logical religion how to do logical and knowledgeable thinking. They never seem to realise, unless they had been doing some individual thinking on their own for a while. If they were, after that they are filled with fear, if they are having valid disagreements, and then it depends on the individual how they proceed from that point. Many others may tell you to stop thinking so much and live life. In that way they can dodge from thinking too much themselves.

  39. Congratulations for meeting the man you love Alisha 🙂 I always like to read such stories.

    If you don’t mind me asking, why didn’t your family accept your husband, especially if you were not raised as Muslim? Were there other racial aspects of it?

  40. Alisha,
    I am glad your family despite their personal views has not been overly controlling. Its very important to be your true self and not be forced to lead double life. I think the Omar Mateen guy of recent Orlando shooting possibly wouldn’t have gone to this extreme if he wasn’t forced to lead double life. He is responsible for his own actions but looks like his life would have been very different if he didnt have all the pressure from his family/religion.

  41. I agree Laila with your views regarding the incident you mentioned. The man had to lead a double life, was reminded of his sinful inclinings, and had to get married like a straight person would. Obviously he couldn’t live with the guilt and repression. And he took the easy way out to pay for his sins and avoid more repression and guilt, which is to be a martyr.

    I am curious as to how many more cases like this would be ignored as not being a Muslim problem, and the scholars making excuses for them, before the scholars are called out to be more realistic and honest with their responses.

    I was watching Yasir Qadhi’s response on the incident, and his apologetic response was absolutely laughable. It did get some Muslims themselves talking in the comments, because I think they realised that other things like giving apologetic responses for poorer rights of women may make more sense, but apologetic reasons for the religion not contributing to homophobia, excessive guilt and repression doesn’t make sense, since everybody knows homosexuality has no place in the religion.

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