Privacy in Polygamy

1013483_354648064665525_279483948_nSo, we decided after Graham’s stroke that he’d better stay in one of the guest rooms in the big house for a month or so. I don’t want him to be alone, especially at night, and Mark agreed.

In a way, it’s really nice to have both my husbands together. I can speak to both at the same time, we can agree on things directly instead of me always having to be the mediator, Tamsin LOVES having us all together – and Graham and Mark enjoy watching rugger together and cooking together.

But – and this is a big but -we are having big privacy issues.

Yesterday when I was in the kitchen with Mark we were laughing and joking together over some silly looking carrots when Graham came in. I felt myself blushing over the double entendre of the jokes I realized Graham must have heard. I could see that both Mark and Graham were uncomfortable too.

And the other day, Mark and Graham were watching TV and Tamsin was already asleep. When she’s around, everything is easier somehow. Now when I came into the room I found myself wondering: where do I sit? With Graham because it’s his day? Or with Mark because the white sofa is bigger? And I stood there hesitating until both of them realized what the problem was and it all turned silently awkward. And I have had to make a habit out of always going to bed early. That way I can go to the right bedroom and the husband whose night it is can join me there later. Because getting up together and leaving towards the bedroom while saying goodnight to the husband who is “off” is simply too darn hurtful.

And I can’t spontaneously hug or kiss my husbands – I always have to look over the shoulder first.

And now I’ve noticed that Graham isn’t feeling well. Well, physically he’s doing great. But this thing has made him realize that he is mortal, and he’s obsessing over dying while Tamsin still needs him.

So, I’m looking forward to next weekend when Graham is moving back to the annex.

Polygamy isn’t about being one big happy family. No way. I’t about having different, separate families. Or at least separate marriages.

125 thoughts on “Privacy in Polygamy

  1. Wow, DesertRain, you were able to sum up my experience so beautifully, in a way I’ve tried for years to explain. That’s exactly, spot-on, what happened to my marriage.

    I’m no longer in any contact with my ex, so I don’t know for sure, but learned through various channels enough to believe he and #2 reconciled after he and I divorced. He’s not the type that can handle being without a woman for long. I, on the other hand, was never happier once those papers were signed and he was gone.

    Like you said though, the damage is done, and that doesn’t only mean the relationship with the polygamous husband. My view on relationships in general is so tainted. I recently had that hit me in the face (two weeks ago) and though I thought this guy was perfect for me, apparently he thought otherwise. Out of nowhere, he completely blindsided me by dumping me via text message.

    Strangely, it didn’t upset me that much, despite this intense and deep connection I thought we had, all the plans we’d made for this summer, the things he said and did that made me feel like he could be THE ONE, etc etc etc. I do miss him, even though we weren’t dating very long (but really, it’s more like I miss what I’d visualized to come as our relationship grew, the things we wanted out of life were so much in sync, you know?), but I haven’t shed a tear, haven’t fallen into a depression, haven’t asked him why (he gave no clear reason), haven’t spoken to him at all since I answered his text with a very short and to the point one of my own basically calling him a cowardly ass hat.

    I really don’t care. It’s much like when M and I split…I felt nothing in the way of rejection or grief or depression. I felt perfectly fine and in control. It’s odd, but I’m glad for it.

  2. Unchained- I completely relate and understand to what you’re talking about. After going through something SO TRAUMATIC AND CRAZY, everything else pales in comparison. Normal people aren’t like that; normal people would grieve a breakup. I don’t care, though – normalcy has never been in my life. People think I’m so hardcore now, and I am.

  3. Unchained, that’s awesome you could just walk away from this new guy without falling to pieces. I suppose polygamy can toughen us up as our strength returns or develops. Our time is so precious, why waste it with a mismatch. You may have just dodged a bullet!

    True story, fortune cookies from the other night.
    Mine: Perhaps you are focusing on that one thing too much. (He wholeheartedly agreed)
    His: If you chase two rabbits, you’ll never catch even one. (I wholeheartedly agreed)
    My second: Killing time is murdering opportunities. (We sat in silence)

  4. Yes, you described the lingering consequences of polygamy well Desert Rain. And the selfishness is extraordinary. I wonder if getting over polygamy is the same as getting over a cheating spouse. The betrayal is the same on many levels I guess. Partners can forgive and maybe time heals but it can never be the same again.

    Unchained, that lack of emotion at your recent breakup hit home with me. I’m actually concerned that I’ve almost become desensitised to painful emotion and I believe polygamy contributed to that as well as a couple other big life upsets at the same time. It’s like terrible things can happen and I’m like “oh well”. I never used to be like that. It does worry me a bit.

  5. //Unchained, that’s awesome you could just walk away from this new guy without falling to pieces. I suppose polygamy can toughen us up as our strength returns or develops. Our time is so precious, why waste it with a mismatch. You may have just dodged a bullet!//

    I fully agree. Unchained, I am proud of you for handling things the way you did. Walk away from a man who is a mismatch, without falling into pieces. And I don’t understand some men’s habits of dumping in such rude ways. Cowardly ass hat is a fine phrase for them lol.

  6. //Unchained, that lack of emotion at your recent breakup hit home with me. I’m actually concerned that I’ve almost become desensitised to painful emotion and I believe polygamy contributed to that as well as a couple other big life upsets at the same time. It’s like terrible things can happen and I’m like “oh well”. I never used to be like that. It does worry me a bit.//

    Okay, I was wondering that regarding Unchained’s case. Since I have not been in her place, so I am not sure regarding how she actually has been feeling. Such as being desensitized to hurtful emotions.

  7. I am wondering is it possible to condition your brain to block only pain and hurt OR do these painful polygamy experiences also affect your ability to be truly happy?

  8. I’m not sure if it’s desensitization or perhaps deep rooted cynicism, or both. I too thought it should worry me, but I’m too busy being grateful, being spared all of that falling apart stuff. I have no desire to turn the clock back to who i was, nor waste useless emotions on one more loser 😛

  9. Hey Miriam, I don’t really understand myself, just something I’ve been thinking about lately. At what point is it healthy to be “yeah, ok, that happened but whatever” and what point is unhealthy. I think my stage is a bit unhealthy possibly.

    I wanted to say to you earlier good on you for not letting your friend try to trivialise or undermine your journey. He obviously decided to end his journey but doesn’t mean he should try to convince you of his views 🙂

  10. Lifeisgood

    You hit the nail on the head “desensitised” is how I feel, not numb. It used to be that if someone was upset I would know exactly what say, give them a hug ect. Now, I’m more like hmm I’ll just wait till you’ve stopped blubbering, or thinking they need to take control of their emotions, tell them not to start talking or they will cry more. Infact, thinking about it my advice now centers around hiding emotions. I think it comes from all the times iv needed to stay calm and in control on the outside while simultaneously exploding on the inside. Like a Swan who appears to be gracefully gliding across the water, but underneath their legs are going ten to the dozen.

    Unchained

    You said you felt relief when you got your divorce. After reading about the impact of an unwanted divorce, iv noticed it’s almost identical to living with unwanted polygamy. My thinking is, you and other women already went through a divorce after your husbands married again. When the woman leaves, the she feels relief because she doesn’t have the added burden of having the ‘ex’ husband pretending to be her husband, as there is nothing left of the marriage. Basically, the divorce took place when he married the other, when she psychology and emotionally divorced him. Not when he/she physically left and verbally divorced.

  11. Sots, so true about the psychological and emotional divorce happening after he married the other. After his marriage, I stopped wearing my wedding ring because every time I looked at it I was reminded of his second marriage. And I stopped referring to him as my husband, he became “my son’s dad.” Until very recently I couldn’t say his wife’s name even though I knew her before their marriage and liked her very much, I could only call her “your wife” when speaking of her. She was his wife, I didn’t feel like his wife any longer.

  12. I’m not sure. I was so wrapped up in this notion of outlasting #2 for a good deal of the time I spent in polygamy that the idea that M and I were already “divorced” for all intents and purposes didn’t occur to me. In hindsight, that’s probably true, though. My marriage, such as it was before all of this, sure had ceased to exist, I know that much.

    I think the relief came when I realized I wouldn’t have to deal with the revolving door, the knowledge that he was with another woman, or the abuse she was sending both him and me during my time. I no longer had to care who he was fucking or how often, or the sweet words full of so much crap that I was expected the swallow (Qadr of Allah, want for your sister, polygamy makes me love you more, etc etc etc ad nauseum). By the time the divorce happened, we were monogamous again, I guess. But I was ever waiting for that shoe to drop again and I was debating whether or not I wanted that to happen. Him being around all the time was an annoyance now because my feelings were dead. I wanted my freedom. I wanted never to have to wake up each day wondering if this would be the day that he shoved a truly contemptible human being in my face again and tell me we were back in polygamy. I knew it would happen, I just didn’t know when and I wanted to have some semblance of control over my life that polygamy had taken away.

    And most of all, that damage that had been done, OMG. I looked at M and hated him for what he’d done to us, I couldn’t get over it as long as he was around. I’d look at him and it would remind me of what we used to be, and what ugliness we’d become. I wanted peace and healing, and as long as I had to sleep next to him and pretend to love him, I wasn’t going to get that. I craved my freedom and I withdrew from him so far emotionally and physically in an effort to obtain that.

    I remember a confrontation we had 3 months after the divorce, where he smugly informed me that we would remarry, and how polygamy hadn’t been THAT bad, it was just that #2 was an insane headcase. Had she been normal it would have worked out fine. That he still loved her but she couldn’t handle polygamy. He proceeded to tell me about every single thing that had transpired between them since he’d moved out. I just stared at him, laughed, call him delusional, and said that I didn’t care and it was a wonderful thing that I didn’t. I stole a line from the Jim Carrey movie “Liar Liar” and paraphrased it as I said, “I don’t care. That’s the beauty of divorce. I don’t care. I don’t HAVE to care about any of that.”

    All I know is, those words have come to fruition. I don’t know where M is, what he’s doing, who he’s doing, and I have no fucks to give about it. It’s awesome ❤

  13. I can relate! To me, the feeling wasn’t so much of divorce as of rape. I felt he raped me, constantly and physically as well as psychologically, both by choosing polygamy (the way he did) and by expecting me to accept it. Even to benefit from it, spiritually.

  14. Hi lifeisgood 🙂

    //I wanted to say to you earlier good on you for not letting your friend try to trivialise or undermine your journey. He obviously decided to end his journey but doesn’t mean he should try to convince you of his views//

    Thank you for the encouragement. But then for that friend I wouldn’t say he ended his journey. He keeps gathering information about different religions, sects, and spiritual paths. And he does reach out to me every now and then, whether as a friend or to know more about how I am doing in my spiritual path. But yeah, it does seem he got tired at a point of the endless searching, and hence decided to anchor himself to a particular religion and sect for stability. He is a very religious Salafi Muslim. But he is also a nice man.

    One problem about him I realized though, which would keep him stuck for a long time and keep gathering information without feeling any progress, is that he thinks truth is found externally, and not much internally. The missing important puzzle for him is looking internally, and not expecting so much of literal answers handed over to him for everything. He needs to know and understand himself better with time, to fill in this missing important puzzle on the route to spirituality, which is what I am trying to do myself, and others on this blog as well. Because if he doesn’t trust and follow his heart more, he would be stuck even more in the spiritual journey. So yeah.

    When I tried mentioning this to him, its more difficult for him to understand. Anyway, hopefully he would learn this part sometime.

  15. Hello Fiona and all other readers! Its interesting how the blog goes slow for long times and at times we all post comments simultaneously 🙂 Just wanted to say hello and ask how everyone is doing. Fiona, how are you, Graham and Mark doing now. How is Tamsin. She must keep you all so busy and happy 🙂

  16. @sots

    Actually, the quran clearly allows polyandry. In 4:24 it says that men are allowed to marry married women, if these women are what their “right hands possess”. This expression is interpreted as a euphemism for slavery, since men have done the interpreting. However, it says that married women are allowed to marry other men under certain circumstances.

  17. Hmm sounds nice 😉
    But I think the term Mā malakat aymānukum can also be translated as ‘those whom you own’ so I have a hard time interpreting this as anything else then slaves…

  18. Fiona.

    Sorry I didn’t see ur comment, iv only just read it.

    The main problems Muslims have is they don’t learn the religion the way it is supposed to be learned. A lot of Muslims and non Muslims think that by reading the English translation they will be able to interpret the Quran, give judgements and uncover hidden, never before seen meanings. The type of people who do this are isis, ana polygamy 411. And we’ll, you can see how backwards they get it. It doesn’t surprise me that you found what you was looking for, the human brain searchs out pattern behaviours. You read what fitted into your life and ideals. It’s the same for anyone.

    The prophet learned the meanings of quran from the angel Gabrielle, he TAUGHT the meanings to the first Muslims, the first Muslims TAUGHT the meanings the the next generations, so on and so forth. It baffles me that people think they can just pick up quran and start giving judgements. no Muslim, with the correct belief and meanings have done this. It’s not the way the prophet showed people. I can understand a non Muslim doing this as it’s neither here or there to them but for Muslims to do this is scary.

    (I’m ranting now, but I will continue lol)
    Seriously, Muslims know that islam is the difference between paradise and hellfire, but yet some think they don’t have to learn islam through the correct means. They think they can just read along and get the right understanding, as if there reading a novel. Yet if one of them needed a surgical operation they wouldn’t pick up the nearest book on surgery and go by a box of scalpels,claiming God will teach me how to perform open heart surgery. No, they would go to someone qualified to perform the surgery, but with the religion they rely on themselves or their best friends. Absolute fools.

  19. Actually, we often say things like “the man who owns my heart” and the like. So owns might not mean slavery. 🙂

  20. Y’all are confusing me, you’re discussing the same thing in two different threads! LOL….

    //It doesn’t surprise me that you found what you was looking for, the human brain searchs out pattern behaviours. You read what fitted into your life and ideals. It’s the same for anyone//

    Which is why organized religion is in the sorry state it’s in – it’s destined to be, by its very existence. Religious teachings gleaned from a book are all up to the individual’s interpretation of the messages contained within it, Sots, your own included, but insist that they have the “correct” belief – when no such thing can possibly exist.

  21. Unchained

    Maybe didn’t explain well enough in the above post.

    I don’t give quran it’s meanings (I don’t interprete). The Quran already has its meanings. It meant then what it means now. One learns the meanings and apply it to their life. Not the other way round. The reason the Muslim world is in a mess is because people are arrogant. They don’t want to listen and learn They want to talk and teach, even when they don’t understand themselves.

  22. “They don’t want to listen and learn They want to talk and teach, even when they don’t understand themselves.” well said Sots!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s