How to Manage Polygamy? Q&A

ThreeringsI get a lot of email, asking questions about the practical everyday aspects of polygamy. I have collected some of the most common questions here.

  1. Do you love one of your husbands more than the other?

Yes. But not always the same husband. There are ups and downs in every marriage I believe. In polygamy, there seems to be some kind of natural law that when one husband is happy, the other one is not. And so I tend to love the happy husband more than the unhappy husband. I know it sounds awful, but polygamy is really hard work, so coming home to a bitter and resentful husband just bugs me.

2.ย Do you ever have sex with both your husbands on the same day?

Yes. It happens on most change over days actually. The husband I’m about to leave is often eager to have sex because he knows I’ll be gone for 3 days. And the husband I go to is happy to see me again:) So yes, it happens all the time. And no, it doesn’t make me feel dirty. It makes me feel happy and loved and fulfilled. And it’s an obvious sign that women are better suited to be polygamous than men, since I have no problem having sex twice a day, while most men simply wouldn’t be physically able to.

3.ย Do you compare your husbands?

Yes. All the time. There’s simply no avoiding it. When Graham laughs at a joke, I think “Mark wouldn’t have found that funny” When I see a film I think “I should have seen it with Mark, he would have liked it better” When I serve coffee, I think “Right…so Graham wants it black”. I compare the way they smile, the way they frown, the way they scold me. And yes, I compare them in bed. It is the most special and intimate part of marriage, so of course I compare. Don’t ever believe a polygamous man who says he doesn’t!

4.ย Can you be just and fair?

No. I can’t. I have tried my damndest, but it’s simply not possible. When both of them need me, I have to fail one. When I turn to one to give him a smile, I turn my back on the other. When I have to go away on business, I always end up hurting one of them because the schedule alters and upsets plans. My children love Graham and avoid Mark, so in order to spend time with my children, I have to favour Graham on holidays e.g. When I try to be fair by giving them both the same present, one of them loves it and the other one doesn’t. When I try to be fair by giving them different presents, they both feel they got the short end of the stick. There is simply no way to be just and fair. But to me, that’s just life. To a muslim man, it means going to hell ๐Ÿ™‚ So again – it’s obvious Western women are made to be polygamous if they choose – muslim men aren’t.

5.ย Do you ever lie to your husbands, or can you be honest in polygamy?

I lie to them all the time. Every day when they ask me trivial things like “Isn’t this the best Rogan Josh you’ve had in ages” (No, the one I had with Mark last week was way better) “Do you even remember when you laughed as much”? (Yes, yesterday with Graham), “I bought you some tulips, I suppose you were longing for the first spring tulips?” (No, my other husband bought me some already) and so on. But worse than that – I have to lie when they spontaneously ask me things like after sex “Don’t you wish we could just stay like this forever” (No, because I want to be intimate with my other husband just as much). Yes, I lie to them constantly. The day you lose your spouse to polygamy, is also the day you lose the spouse you can trust, who will tell you the truth. If your spouse is polygamous you simply have to choose: be lied to or stop all kind of communication except about the weather or Jo Brand’s new hair.

6.ย Do you regret polygamy?

No, I don’t. Polygamy gave me Tamsin, my beautiful daughter. And Graham, whom I love with all my heart. But I can honestly say, that if I were the one who had chosen polygamy, I would never have been able to live with myself seeing the pain and suffering polygamy has caused my husbands. I would have killed myself, or died from shame and regret. But as it is, polygyny was forced on me, which meant polygamy became the only option for me to have a complete life. So Mark chose polygamy, and he has had to live with the consequences. That’s what made it possible for me to hold on to polygamy without letting his pain and suffering kill me. And Graham chose polygamy. So his pain hasn’t been all my fault either. But it hurts to see him suffer. Because honestly – there is no polygamy without pain and suffering. How men who choose polygyny, knowing their wives don’t have the same possibility, can live with themselves I simply cannot fathom. But of course, how anybody could buy a slave is beyond me too, still people do it. Anyway, knowing first hand how evil the pain and hurt is, I know there’s a special place in hell for polygynous men.

7.ย What do you love most about polygamy?

Being loved by two wonderful men. Having children with two wonderful men.

8.ย Would you recommend polyandry to other women?

Yes. If you’re strong and intelligent, and extremely well organized. And if both ( or more I suppose) men are willing. Nobody should ever force or coax an unwilling, reluctant or even hesitant spouse into a polygamous relationship. Ever. If there is the least doubt – don’t.

9.ย Do you have rules about phone calls, texts, e-mails etc on the other husband’s night?

Yes. No texts or phone calls unless absolutely necessary. Privacy is crucial. Only emergency calls are allowed. But I try to slip away so I can pay a short visit to the husband I won’t stay the night with (Mark lives in the house, Graham lives in the annex) and I always send a good night text.

10ย How do you solve conflicts between your husbands?

I simply tell them I don’t accept any conflicts. There was a lot of back stabbing, manipulation and that kind of thing going on when I first married Graham. But I never allowed myself to be manipulated. I just kept to the ground rules. And most of the time, they managed to work things out between them without my help. Now, there aren’t any major conflicts any more.

30 thoughts on “How to Manage Polygamy? Q&A

  1. Thanks for sharing the answers with us FIona. You are a wonderful lady, and I salute you for everything you have gone through, and the things you learned through your experience, which you can now share with others. I wish there was as much openness among other people as well. Why there isn’t, I have no idea. Anyway, your writings, and of other posters here as well, gave me the courage to start being more honest and open about my own feelings. Take care โค

  2. I don’t know how you manage it fiona, I’m pretty sure I couldn’t. You are evidence it’s possible love 2 partners at the same time, I used to think that was impossible.

    Sometimes though I wonder how truly free the 3 of you are in living polygamy now…….are you all, to some degree, “trapped” in it because of your love for each other?

    Did graham ever think you would eventually leave Mark and be monogamous with him? As his love for you increased, did it get harder for him to share you.

    And if mark or graham ever fell in love with another person each, how would you feel them bringing another person in?

    And, last thought, was part of mark’s breaking up with B, an attempt to get you to split with graham?

  3. Ana blog owner over at Polygamy411 aka Robin L have exciting news to share, she’s now a homeowner at age 60 in a senior citizen community after 35+ years of renting an apartment.
    Kudos to Batman and Robin!

  4. Hello everyone. Reading this post was so refreshingly honest, thank you Fiona! I hope you are fine ๐Ÿ™‚ this blog has helped me a lot, I have been lurking around ever since I found it. I did not manage to heal my wounds yet, but I feel better… Thank you, I appreciate your tremendous effort!

  5. I missed that big news at 411 ๐Ÿ™‚ i wonder where was she spending all her salary and now a generous pension that she gets. Maybe all of it went into the multiple business ventures with her dear friend Naim Samad! and her husband obviously has to support wife 2 (who according to Robin works a minimum wage job).

  6. @Unchained

    Yeap! Robin is finally out of that one bedroom apartment and in a house. I don’t know if you recall a post from the old polygamy411 how she boast/brag about how she had purchased her home outright LIAR….

    @Laila

    You didn’t miss the big news over at 411๐Ÿ˜Š Robin’s been hinting that she has exciting things going on in her life that she will be sharing in weeks to come.
    I know Robin very well; she’s good at telling stories that makes her life look better or more exciting then her life actually is she’s a Pathological Liar….
    So I shared some detail facts on my 1st post that Robin otherwise would not have shared.
    Robin’s pension is her only income; it’s to do whatever since Batman (John) became polygamous. She waste most of her income in investment with her bestie Neime for years while milking Batman dry for the lifestyle (polygamy) that he inflicted on her.

  7. Anonymous 55, Oh i thought you learned about the news on her website. So you know her. I wont ask any more questions because your name indicates you want to remain anonymous ๐Ÿ˜‰
    I dont understand the Batman reference for her husband John. Did i miss something again ๐Ÿ™‚

  8. Fascinating. So are those 35 vacations she’s boasted about legit?

    I wonder where that post went where she was certain my life would fall apart into shambles, I’d be cursed by Allah for taking part in outing her and posting here, that I’d be rummaging through garbage cans. Surely I cant be having anything but a horrible life.

    Ahem.

    I’m on vacation as I write, just finished a lovely room service breakfast with my son. I guess Allah isn’t that mad at me ๐Ÿ˜€

  9. Robin (Ana) over at polygamy411 said….
    Woman who married first catch a hard time from others who, say they should have never allowed their husbands to marry others and if they couldn’t stop them, they should have divorced them.

    I know of one women who said such a thing. Now she’s older, all broke down with ailments and is trying to marry a married man. Before she was badmouthing the women who stayed married to her husband when he took another wife. SMH

    The women that Robin is speaking of is her Husband’s ex-wife that so call badmouth her (Robin) for staying married to her husband when he took another wife.

    Robin is a backbiting B*tch for talking about her husband’s ex-wife and furthermore Robin’s husband is a Puยฟยฟy for discussing his ex-wife business with Robin. Robin fabricated about her husband’s ex-wife trying to marry a married man, not knowing what she made up is actually true, the married man that her husband’s ex-wife wants to marry is her (Robin’s) husband.

  10. Ooh, the plot thickens. This is fascinating stuff.

    Going out on a limb here but….are you perchance John’s ex wife? LOL…just asking! I’m just imagining what it’ll do to Robin if John marries a third. She’ll probably come off all breezy about it and expound on what a beautiful thing it is, but I am certain inside she’ll be losing her everloving shit.

  11. It’s funny because when I first read anonymous55 comment I thought, who cares? I mean so what if she brought a house. I originally thought it was actually ana who posted the comment, because given her outstanding displays of arrogance, boastfulness and self proclaimed righteousness, only she would care enough about her worldly possessions as to post it on a blog. Unless of course, someone who knows ana personally, and obviously hates her guts, would want to broadcast the fact that until recently she only had a one bed rented property.

    I thought she had already brought a house and living in a lap of luxury lol. I mean I had my doubts about her truthfulness when she wrote that she is the only wife, which technically she is, as her husbands other marriage isn’t valid ( based on what I know) but to then claim she is one of the rightly guided, while remaining married to an adulter smh. The woman comes so close to blasphemy I cringe reading her comments. She actually threw a quran in the bin (which she received from the Saudis after she made hajj, she didn’t agree with the translation) which according to knowledgeable Muslims is blasphemy, she may have repented for that and re embraced Islam, but if she didn’t then she may not be a Muslim at all let alone one of the rightly guided. Furthermore arrogance is not an attribute of rightly guided Muslims, and I think everyone who has read her blog can see that arrogance is her fortay. OK rant over.

  12. @Unchained

    Maybe, Maybe Not! Lol… just saying!
    Unchained you’re so good… I could not have said it any better that’s exactly what she will feed cyberspace, but on serious note the alcoholic bitch will diffidently lose her fucking mind this go round, if John marries a 3rd wife that’s from his past too (ex girlfriend, ex-wife) just saying! Robin (Ana) would “Snap, Crack, and Pop” for sure.

    Boasting/bragging is a coping magnesium, so she stretch the truth… That’s her Dr Feel Good Pill, when she’s not turning up the bottle… for handling polygamy.
    The answer to your question is May will be 14 years that Robin has been married, she gets one vacation per year.

    Have you been over at 411 lately?Robin says she has a surprise for all the readers over at 411 that she plan to unveil sometime in April that she’s diligent been working on is it a HOUSE? Naw!
    She’s Pregnant!!! Just kidding…lol I don’t have a clue what it is…
    Unchained do you think it’s that piece of shit Security Agency that her lazy ass has been trying to get up and running for the last ten year???
    Robin is nothing but a “piss of wind” (all talk and no action) she’s harmless unchained.

  13. Waitaminnit…are you saying Robin’s got a drinking problem? Y’know, that surely would explain a lot. I mean a LOT. It never occurred to me, but it makes a certain kind of cockeyed sense. The violent mood swings, the way she goes 10 kinds of apeshit from time to time, and the fact that she refuses to come out against alcohol consumption even though based on my knowledge and experience, alcohol use is understood to be haram in Islam.

    Yes, I check in at 411 on a regular. It’s that proverbial trainwreck I can’t help peeking at. I did see that Robin announced some kind of surprise to be unveiled around April. I doubt it’s anything earth-shattering. I mean what could it be that would matter all that much, unless it’s her coming out of her closet, and, well, we kinda took care of that last year, much to Robin’s chagrin.

    I was only joking in asking if you’re the ex-wife ๐Ÿ˜‰ I suspect not, since you don’t appear to be the biggest fan of John’s, but I could be wrong. Anyway, I’m glad you’re here, Anonymous55 ๐Ÿ˜€ โค

  14. Robin’s gone bat shit again. March discussions. The poor girl had no idea what she let herself in for when she asked dear leader for clarification on something.

  15. A problem with alcohol definitely explains alot of her behaviour! The verbal attacks on people that are soooo unislamic as Sots said. And I always wondered why she chastised people for criticising Laila/Cupcake’s husband for drinking, she constantly defended his drinking.

  16. Unchained those verbal attacks are just wierd! If she thinks she’s so right then she should come clean and make it clear she is a quranist. She doesnt do that because she’s desperate for people to post and knows most muslims run a mile from quranists.

    Did you pick up her veiled attempts to lure Jenny back into posting a couple months ago? She said few times that she misses her and wish she’d come back. She only wants Jenny back because she posted alot and drew others posters that she angered. Ana’s wali/bestess wanted her to ban Jenny and Gail but they made up more than 50% of the posts and she needed that for the blog’s online ratings. That’s why she never banned Jenny even when she insulted all the muslims, because she selfishly needed her for her own benefit.

  17. If anyone noticed one of the recent posts was about me, talking about only an unbeliever would come here. I hope she included herself in that, as we all know she reads here. She trys to make out like she doesn’t, but it’s evident from what she writes.
    I had wondered for a long time, what makes her so sure her interpretation is correct. she says because she is at ‘ease’ with her husbands relationship with another woman that she must be a true believer/pious. After living polygamy for a number of years I could say I’m at ease, I don’t feel the overwhelming pain anymore, but I do not regard myself as pious (mostly because I know the criteria) and because I’m not deluded or have a ‘wali dude’ telling me what I want to hear so he can sweet me up and get money out of me.
    I know that after a person is consistently in emotional pain a natural response to that is for the brain to shut down that ‘pathway’ that causes the pain, which results in a numbness feeling. Your neither happy or sad and are prone to random emotional outbursts. I believe that is what has happened to ana. Shes numb.

    Tawwakul didnt know ana is a crazy woman. Ana had every intention of going off on her, she was just waiting for an opportunity. Towards the end of the discussion they wasn’t even having the same conversation. Ana went off on her usual “no one reads, dont divide” tirade. Tawwakul wasn’t even talking about that. Yes, ana does try to get writers in, that’s one reason she was kissing second wives butts. Telling them they’ve done nothing wrong and the first wife is a selfish, crappy muslim, who will be in pain forever (which makes 2nd wives feel happy and superior). She failed to realise that by getting a bunch of second wives on there the first wives would leave. Now she just has her, gail,ummof4 and a bunch of 2nd wives. Even in cyberspace we don’t want them anywhere near us.

    FYI ana. I wasn’t trying to convince anyone here about islam. I was indirectly talking to the Muslim women who read here and YOU. Furthermore, as you, on several occasions have repeated what I said, it seems to have worked. I only urge people to learn the religion from the beginning. I do not call them bad Muslims for being sad, stressed or wanting their rights. I do not tell them to stay with an A hole of a husband because they are so f’ed up they need punishing. The answer to any situation is to do what you can to feel better without committing sins and performing the obligations.

  18. sots

    Those of us who got out in time should consider ourselves lucky. Ana is a manipulative madwoman. And she’s definitely not muslim.

  19. Golly, I hadn’t picked up she may be referring to you Sots. I agree with everything you said, especially about her stance on 2nd wives whom she used to loathe, but as you say, she needed more posters so she changed her position.

    What really irks me is the way she lectures other women when the truth is she hates her co-wife (largely because she’s white and non-muslim), resents her husband, and gave up her whole life to cope with polygamy, quitting her job and family and hardly ever leaving home. Gees when she advises women who are struggling to look after children, who are working, who just want to have some voice in their own lives, man when she lectures them I get wild.

  20. What could be the reason for Ana ruining her whole life to stay with her husband? She doesn’t have kids, and she said in a post in her earlier blog that soon after she got married, her husband started showing his real face (e.g: pretending to be religious when he is not) and she realized she married someone very different of what she intended to marry when she saw him. And then came polygamy. Why would a woman like her stay with him?

    There could be several reasons, but it still gets me puzzled that she would instead decide to be mentally unstable and a manipulative person and get a bad reputation of someone who tolerates her husband’s cheating when she could easily get out and get a lot of money as well :/

  21. Fiona, I wish I had a friend to be a friend to.

    Lifeisgood. I wish I could say that anas belief was few and far between, but it’s not. In her write up she failed to add important points. She says she is just a Muslim (as if everyone else says something else) but, she interprets quran herself, from her own limited knowledge and desires. She shuns true scholars and claims to be reviving true islam and it’s meanings. She says anyone who does not follow her interpretations and belief is a Muslim in name only, in other words their not Muslim, therfore accusing them of apostasy and disbelief. It goes much further than just lecturing women on polygamy, her belief is dangerous and if someone with power holds that belief it leads to the most awful atrocities and I’ll show you all why.

    About 250 years ago a man called
    Muhammad ibn Abd-al Wahhab, a ‘muslim scholar’ (I use those terms lightly) who’s followers are called ‘wahabbis’ (they do not call themselves wahabbis, they say they are Muslim only) and they are known by that because Muslims need to know not to learn the religion from them. Muhammad ibn Abd-al Wahhab, started a new ‘islamic’ movement. The premise of this new, narrow ideology was to reject traditional scholars, scholarship and practices under the guise of “reviving the true tenets of Islam” and protecting the concept of monotheism.He encouraged his followers to interpret the holy books for themselves and to act on their interpretations in light of their own understanding, regardless of their understanding of fundamental principles or lack thereof. Anyone who did not profess to this new ideology was considered outside of the realm of Islam – an apostate, disbeliever or idolater.
    ( sound familiar)

    So the question is, where are these “wahabbis’ now?. How did interpreting quran themselves and shuning the true scholars work our for them? Well, they, not long ago declared the new islamic state, they are isis, who are funded by there wahabbi, friends Saudi Arabia. They are the very people who ana consistently bad mouths. She should love them, they have the same belief.
    You see, when someone who has watched the USA and UK armies slaughter their friends and family’s, leaving them as orphans, is told to interpret quran themselves, forget the Sunnah, forget scholars. Do what you think, reads.” kill them wherever you find them” what do u think they will do?

    Like I said, anas belief is dangerous. I can only hope that woman stays on her tiny blog, in big cyberspace.

  22. Mariam.
    In my opinion. Ana cannot be alone, by her own admission she is incapable of taking care of herself. Also she was never going to give her husband up “c” she’d sooner face the death penalty than do that. She has way to much arrogance and pride. Nope, she was going to stay and intended to make their lives miserable.

    If my husband said he was going to marry a non Muslim, I’d be straight up out of there. No way, no how.

  23. OMG IM SO HAPPY I FOUND THIS BLOG!!!!!, Anabellah is a lunatic. I was reading her blog for a while mostly for the messiness and entertainment. Then when she went ape crazy on tawakkul I started questioning what she actually believes so I wrote a comment asking her to clarify what she believes, I guess there were other people also wondering the same thing, so she wrote that post basically calling us dumb for wanting to know what she really believes. So I wrote her another message under the name Nafisa saying something along the lines of:

    “alhamdolllah, allahu Akbar!!!! I am pleased to hear I am not the only one suspicious of your beliefs, we are asking you about your beliefs because we want to make sure we’re not learning from someone who will lead us astray, not because we want you to join a sect, After doing a little research it seems like you have very little Islamic knowledge and you should beware of speaking while you’re ignorant. And when Allah talks about those who are deaf dumb and blind he’s speaking about the kuffar, and it’s a terrible thing that you’re trying to change the meaning of Quran verses to fit your agenda, ”

    She actually altered my message to say!!!!!!!!! :

    “alhamdolillah, allahu Akbar!!!! I am pleased to hear I am not the only one who thinks those people are deaf, dumb, and blind. Good artcle. Allahu Akbar. Allahu Akbar. I did my research. I love you and your blog”!

    I was so shocked that she would actually have the nerve to alter my message and outwardly lie and deceive people, just for the sake of looking good to her readers. She claims to be such a good Muslim but really ots all lies.

    I told her that lying is a huge sin and she needs to to fear Allah, so she proceeded to write a response to her fake comment that said

    “Nafisa, Thank you much for the comment. I apprecate it. It means much to me. :-)”

    This is still on the march discussion page

    After reading this blog things make so much more sense, she’s a crazy alcoholic, bipolar, old hag with nothing better to do than paint a fake picture of her life for her 10 readers

  24. Hi Nafisa,

    Im not surprised at all with what you say. But I still don’t know why someone who calls themself a muslim thinks its ok to lie on a major scale. The example you gave isnt a little white lie, its extremely manipulative and a bit psychotic.

  25. Robin/Ana @ polygamy411 said:

    It’s very sad that people live polygamy that way, lying, sneaking and hiding. It’s sad because she will pretend to be his only wife. She’s too ashamed to be a wife who married second, yet she’s in a polygamous marriage.

    WTF?!! If that isn’t the pot calling the kettle black.

  26. When Robin started the blog, she should have named it “Hypocrites R Us”.

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