Polygamy Bites Back

imagesHello everybody,

I just wanted to share my story with you.

I got married to a muslim guy from Pakistan who is a UK citizen, just like me. We were married in Pakistan, a nikah only. My husband didn’t want it registered, because he wanted the nikah to sort of stand on its own. I felt, ok it doesn’t really matter. I’m not a muslim but sort of christian but I’ve never been very religious so it wasn’t a big deal for me.

I was happy and I think we were happy as a couple and we had a baby boy and life was good. Everything was just normal you know. Until one day he told me he was getting married again, to a second cousin of his from Pakistan. And he told me he was registering that marriage, so she could come to the UK. I just couldn’t believe it. I mean it was like absurd totally, just bloody absurd. And he kept talking about it like it was normal, and everything was fine. I went psycho on him of course and he had his mom come to the UK to tell me it was fine and everything was normal and they all respected me and a load of crap and the weird thing is after a while I started to feel like I was the one who was crazy, not them. It felt like the Matrix you know, when you don’t know what is real anymore. I had my normal life and everything was fine, but he kept preparing for a new wedding and buying gifts and disappearing with his mobile and he was sort of like sucking up to me too in a strange way, it was really horrible. And suddenly she was there and they were getting married. If you ever tried to imagine what the worst nightmare would be, I can tell you that watching your husband get dressed to get married, kiss your son goodbye and stand in the hallway and look you in the eyes and tell you how much he loves you before he goes off to marry another woman – that’s about as bad as it gets. Or was the worst moment when his mom and brother came over to offer me a piece of the wedding cake?

I don’t have to tell you guys what it was like, the images in my head, the wait, the coming home, the trying to live my life bit. It was all just horrible. But I tried, I did. But as you know you just can’t find a way back.

Anyway, to make a long story short I met another man. We had an affair. Not really difficult since my husband was away half the time. The man I met was married too, but his wife knew about us they just staid together while their kids were small. I was kind of happy. And I got pregnant. My lover divorced his wife, and we got married. Since I only had a nikah with my husband, that wasn’t a problem.  But I didn’t want to leave my first husband, because I still loved him in a way and I wanted to be absolutely certain about what I wanted. My first husband thought the other boy was his too. And later, I had a girl. But when my first son by my second husband got sick, I had to tell him that the boy wasn’t his. And soon he would have been able to talk better so I would have had to tell him anyway.

How do you tell your husband that you are married to another man, and that your son and your baby girl aren’t his children but your other husband’s? Well, straight out was what I opted for. I can’t even begin to tell you how angry he was, I’ve never seen a person go mental like he did.

He divorced me of course, on the spot. But there was nothing he could do about the children not being his, he’s allowed to see his son on holidays, but not the other two because they weren’t his to begin with.

I wonder how many muslim men in the UK have kids that aren’t theirs, and wives who are making good use of the time their husbands are off with another wife?

My Husband has Married in Secret! Q&A

400px-Young_Saudi_Arabian_woman_in_AbhaSalaams Sisters,

I am an American revert, I live in Saudi with my husband. We got married 8 years ago, it took quite some time and effort I can tell you to get our marriage approved! The Kingdom really is a stickler for rules, in every way. We met while my husband was working in the US and I fell madly in love with him, took the Shahada and accepted that we’d one day move to Saudi for good. My husband is a devoted husband and father and a good Muslim in every way. I have trusted him with my life. And not just as a saying but for real, since for a woman to move to Saudi is to put her life in the hands of her husband.

It took some getting used to, I can tell you. I still prefer just to stay in my house since the culture here is stifling. I have a few friends who are also American reverts married to Saudis, but that’s about it. I’m not at ease here, not even with my husband’s family who expect me to wear a niqab even at their house because of my husband’s brothers.

Maybe this isolation is the reason why everybody else knew my husband had married a second wife before I did. He still travels a lot because of his work, and when he finally told me he had a second wife, he had already been married to her for almost six months.

So for six months I’ve been sharing my husband with another woman, without knowing it. The reason he told me is she’s trying to become pregnant so she wants him to start spending half the time (nights) with her so that can happen asap. Obviously she had agreed to give up her time for a while, until he told me about her and now she has put a stop to that. So suddenly my life is a turmoil, a tornado of pain, tears and fear.

I found this blog, and just love it. The way you stick up for women! Right now I’m in so much pain I don’t know how to get through the day, and the nights are even worse. And he just expects me to come to terms with it. He says he’s sorry, and he says he loves me and doesn’t want me to hurt. And I keep saying: Then how could you do this to me? Why did you do this to us? But he doesn’t have any answers.

He says he will not divorce me, and he will not allow me to leave the Kingdom. And he won’t get a chauffeur for me so I’m basically a prisoner here, in this country in my home in my marriage.

And right now, my husband is off trying to make another woman pregnant.

Please, sisters. Help me. Give me some strength, or at least some company.

How do I survive this?

Submissive Husbands Make Polygamy Work

1013483_354648064665525_279483948_nI often get the question how I manage to keep two husbands happy.

The answer is I don’t. They work hard to keep me happy. 🙂

That’s what’s really brilliant about polygamy, it keeps the spouses on their toes, eager to please me, since they know they are competing for my affection. They also know that it’s harder for them to leave me, than it is for me to leave one of them since they would be all alone but I still have a happy marriage going should I choose to leave one husband for the other.

So, my husbands have learned that they must be submissive. This is what a day llooks like for a submissive husband:

WAKE UP

A submissive husband wakes up before his family, to get ready for the day ahead. He’ll get dressed first so his wife wakes up to an attractive, well-groomed husband who is calm and in control. He’ll then make sure the house is tidy and pack bags and lunches for his children and his wife

A submissive husband will prepare breakfast for his family so as they wake up they can eat a healthy and delicious meal to start the day.

At no time does he seem disorganised, rushed, or lose his temper.

His wife’s clothes for the day are washed, ironed and hung up ready for her. After breakfast, just before she leaves for work, he leaves her with a kiss and a smile, telling her to have a great day.

MORNING

Once his wife leaves for work and the children are at school a submissive husband will use his morning to run errands vital to the smooth running of the family. He’ll drop off and pick up dry cleaning, grocery shop, attend to his own needs like keeping fit for his wife and have everything done by lunch time.

A submissive husband should never grocery shop while his wife is at home with the children. He’ll make sure all errands are completed while she is at work so that when she gets home they spend that time together. Shee doesn’t need to help him with any errands or with any of the cooking and cleaning, unless she wants to. He runs the house smoothly and efficiently, leaving their time together as peaceful and as harmonious as possible.

AFTERNOON

After a quick lunch a submissive husband will spend the afternoon tidying the house and preparing for his family to return. The cleaning is done and dinner is started. If he does any work from home or charity work he will get that done in the afternoon as well.

EARLY EVENING

Once his children return home they are given snacks and do homework. All of the children’s activities and homework are completed by the time the submissive husband’s wife comes home so she can relax after a long day.

When his wife arrives home she walks into a clean house, receives a warm welcome from her husband who is happy to see her and spends some time relaxing while he finishes up dinner. During dinner a submissive husband will attend to all of his family’s needs and after dinner will clean up so his wife can spend quality time with their children.

EVENING

A submissive husband will organise for the children to go to bed each evening. His wife may wish to read them a bedtime story but he will dress them for bed, supervise baths and the brushing of teeth and ultimately tuck them in. The rest of the evening is spent with his wife. That time is spent talking, discussing issues and not fighting. The real skill of being a submissive husband is ensuring all communication with his wife is as happy and as calm as possible.

Disagreements are quickly deflated by him, not necessarily through giving in to his wife’s point of view but by being willing to do what makes her happy. He chooses to prioritise her happiness over his own and does this willingly, with no expectation from her.

BEDTIME

Sex is an experience of love and is shared as often as his wife desires. He is happy to have sex as often as she likes and will always do his best to make it an amazing experience. He should have completed a couple of massage courses, and offer to give her a full body rub whenever she pleases. Sex with a submissive husband is pretty awesome and because their relationship is harmonious, his pleasure is just as important as hers.

Each evening ends in a happy and fulfilled state with a kiss and an “I love you”.

So, you see – having multiple husbands is no problem! Quite the opposite 🙂

(Based on an original, giving actual advice to women in polygyny!!!)

How to Cope With Polygamy

5758f-moveA lot of people who come to this blog do so after googling “How to cope in polygamy”. I get like 10 people every day who google coping with polygamy in my stats. It breaks my heart.

So here’s a post to all of you copers out there:

If you are looking for a way to cope with polygamy, that in itself proves to me that you should get the hell out of that polygamous marriage! Leave! Now!

Marriage should never be about coping.

Marriage should be about living life to the full, about love and trust, equality and happiness. Marriage should be about friendship, laughter, caring for each other, honesty, about being that one person to each other who is always there for you who is always ready to put your happiness above his or her own.

Marriage should never be about coping.

So if you came here looking for advice about how to cope with polygamy, here it is:

Don’t.

Leave, and allow yourself the opportunity to find a real marriage. A real relationship.

Don’t ever let anybody force you into believing you are worth anything less.