How do I Win a Man’s Heart When I’m In Polygamy?

wives7Question:

Hi Fiona!

 

Love your blog! I married a man who was already married. We are both muslim and I’m trying to become more pious to find peace in polygamy because it really is hard! I thought that my husband would become infatuated with me, and that I would be special. But it’s not happening. He is always sharing his time and everything absolutely equal and he snubs me when I call on her time for something or if I question his love for me. He says I must be content with what I have and that he will never love one of us more. It hurts so much because I don’t want to be one of many, I want to be special. Just like he is special to me. So I wonder, how do I win my man’s heart?

//Farah

Answer:

You can’t.

His heart wasn’t yours to win, nor his to lose. He has already decided that nobody will be special in his life, no love will be special, you will all just be one of many. He decided never to give special love, or all of his love, while demanding it from you. That is what you accepted when you became a second wife. The sad thing is that by doing so, you aided and abetted him in reducing his wife from special to one of many.

 

11 thoughts on “How do I Win a Man’s Heart When I’m In Polygamy?

  1. Maybe. I get a lot of posts from oddballs and trolls. But I can see that somebody found their way here twice by googling “how do I win my man’s heart in polygamy” just before the post was made. Well, I answered it.

  2. I think “farah”, real or not, is a good example of how most 2nd wives think. It nauseates me when they try to take the islamic high ground, pretending to accept polygamy because they are good muslims or pretending they care about the feelings of the first wife. If they really cared they would never willingly hurt another person. Thats why 2nds are so disliked nearly everywhere.

  3. Second wives are the scum of the earth. that men want many women can be understood but that women are willing to aid in this crime is sooooo disgusting. In my homecountry a second wife was murdered last week because she bragged about breaking the first wife’s heart in the shops and finally a group of women they think smothered her. Second wives are the most dispicable people on earth.

  4. He is not *your* man to begin with. If you’re trying to be pious, why the heck do you want him to be unjust to his first wife? And that’s just from an Islamic point of view.

  5. For this woman’s sake I hope that this letter is fake. I wonder why would anyone choose to become a second wife, moreover if she is for some sick reason choosing to become one then why would they not realize that loyalty and love for one woman is not in that guy’s genes. Also I do wonder why any woman needs to try to win any man’s heart. Why don’t you just focus on yourself and marry the one who loses your heart to you because of how you are.

  6. It was the generic emotions and lack of specifics that made that letter seem fake to me.

    The most telling tale in this recent discussion, to me, is the story of the female mob that is believed to have murdered the second wife, instead of the philandering, hedonistic husband.

  7. It’s a difficult moral and psychological problem really, I think. Who are the most despicable, the nazis or the quislings? :/

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