Who is the Head of Your Polygamous Family? Q&A

921ce-keep-calm-and-you-can-do-it-13Good day and thank you for a very interesting blog.

Being muslim, I have some questions to the blogkeeper. I do not intend disrespect and I do understand if you find my questions too private. I respect of course if you do not answer anything that may be too close.

It seems to me in polygamy, somebody must be the leader. Somebody must have the final call if there are conflicts of wishes, time or jealousy. In Islam the man is the leader. He has the final say and it is his responsibility to keep peace and harmony in the marriages. I wonder, in your marriages, is this your role? Or are your husbands still the leaders in marriage? Maybe they solve conflicts between them since you live close together?

When your husbands want things that conflict, to whom do you submit? I see you have a child with your second husband, how would you have solved it if your first husband wanted a child too, at the same time?

If two wives argue and scream and threaten each other, the husband is always strong enought to make them calm down and give in to his will. What do you do if your husbands fight?

I am sorry if this question offends, but if both your husbands have wish for intimacy, does it not make you feel tired and worn out? And how can you cope with two men if they want you at the same time? And is it not embarassing to go to your one husband with plainly traces of ghusl so he can see what you have done with the other?

I truly wish you well. But I must say I find this way of living strange. Please forgive me.

Harish

Polygamy Prison

S%C3%A9pulcre_Arc-en-Barrois_111008_12Hello

I am sorry if I tell a long story but I think I must explain some to make my point. I am English but of Pakistani descent. I got married to my cousin when I was only 18, it was a marriage my parents decided but it was not forced I was really happy to marry somebody I knew and felt safe with and I was happy to have a family within my own. We had a good marriage I thought and two children and we moved to another city but my husband still allowed me to work and visit my family and I was happy in all. But then my husband started to act different. He came late from work and sometimes called and had strange reasons for staying away and he also was distant and moody. I thought maybe it was trouble at work and that he had to work harder and so tried to be supportive and not ask and nag. But then one day he told me he had married another woman. At first he did not want to tell me much he just said he did not want to answer any questions but bit by bit I understood that he had always married me most for family even though he was happy with me but he had wanted more to fall in love and he had done so with this other woman. I can’t tell you how this felt to me. Maybe we had not been falling in love but I had felt love was in our marriage and he said yes but not the love he wanted. We tried so many times to understand each other but he was guilty and angry and I was angry and so sad and we just never made an end of it and I just came more and more to hate him and he stayed more and more with the other wife and I was happy for him to stay away. But he would not divorce me he said he would never shame our family so and would not divorce me. He would also not give me Khul. I read here and many places that people say women can get khul but khul is only possible if the husband says yes. My husband would not accept mahr back and khul. So I applied for faskh. That is divorce against my husband’s will. I went to the Muslim Arbitration Council. It was three years ago. I am still not divorced. I have been to five mediations and my husband refutes valid ground for faskh and I have been given different tasks of making my husband happy with me to make our marriage work, to pray certain special duaas, to meet with counsellors and so on. I have been told I am not allowed to leave my husband’s house until faskh has been granted. I have been twice in talks about khul but my husband refuses. Now I am still married to him and the council has aksed me to enter more proof of physical abuse, of not being maintained or of my husband having deserted me or being unable in intimacy. Otherwise I can not get faskh. So I am still here in this prison marriage with my polygamy husband who is saying this is a lesson to me that polygamy is allowed and I have nothing. I would ask this blog to caution all women that they must make sure in written in nikah contract that they are allowed talaq if the husband is polygamus and also that the wife has a right to have delegated talaq.

In the UK it doesn’t matter that women can divorce, because they will not get an Islamic divorce. Please help me get this told. Please. Thanks.

How do I Win a Man’s Heart When I’m In Polygamy?

wives7Question:

Hi Fiona!

 

Love your blog! I married a man who was already married. We are both muslim and I’m trying to become more pious to find peace in polygamy because it really is hard! I thought that my husband would become infatuated with me, and that I would be special. But it’s not happening. He is always sharing his time and everything absolutely equal and he snubs me when I call on her time for something or if I question his love for me. He says I must be content with what I have and that he will never love one of us more. It hurts so much because I don’t want to be one of many, I want to be special. Just like he is special to me. So I wonder, how do I win my man’s heart?

//Farah

Answer:

You can’t.

His heart wasn’t yours to win, nor his to lose. He has already decided that nobody will be special in his life, no love will be special, you will all just be one of many. He decided never to give special love, or all of his love, while demanding it from you. That is what you accepted when you became a second wife. The sad thing is that by doing so, you aided and abetted him in reducing his wife from special to one of many.

 

How a Husband Should React when Faced With Polygamy

If I were to order anybody to do sudjud to another I would order husbands to prostrate before their wife, because of her immense rights over them.

If I were to order anybody to do sudjud to another I would order husbands to prostrate before their wife, because of her immense rights over them.

When the wise Sharee’ah deemed polyandry allowable, it enjoined the Muslim woman to treat her husbands on a footing of equality. The Quran allows women to marry as many husbands as they like, as long as they give themselves willingly, saying that married women are forbidden to men unless they choose to give themselves freely to a second, third, fourth, fifth…husband: “except those your right hands possess [This is] the decree of Allah upon you.”

In fact, there is no condition set by the Quran for the Muslim woman who chooses to practice polyandry. We know of no evidence suggesting that Islamic Sharee’ah obliges the wife to inform her first husband of her intention to have a second husband. Please refer to Fatwa 86395.

Refraining from informing the husband of the second marriage does not constitute deception on the part of the wife. She is entitled to marry another husband as per the Quran. In most cases, the greater interest entails that the wife does not inform the first husband of her intention to remarry so as not to hurt him and to spare him the unfavorable feelings of distress. This matter does not involve any tampering with the first husband’s feelings.

In fact, polyandry abounds in many benefits that should not be missed merely because of a given husband’s refusal or aversion towards the idea. A man is naturally averse to polyandry; however, it is not wise to let the husband’s innate aversion towards having co-husbands deny the wife the benefits of polyandry. For more benefit, please refer to Fataawa 86818 and 90132.

However, a Muslim husband should see this experience as any affliction that may befall him. If he is patient, this will be a cause for the raising of his rank and atonement of his sins. Please refer to Fatwa 83577 about the merits of patience.

If the wife informs her husband of her second marriage or he finds out about of it, it is not permissible for him to seek divorce merely because his wife has another husband. In stead, he should thank Allah for still allowing him to have a part of his wife. He should also put his heart and soul into serving his wife, pleasing and obeying his wife in every way, and giving his wife complete sexual satisfaction so as to keep his wife’s love, and make himself worthy of her protection.

And Allah knows best.

“I Mourn the Life I Lost” – Polygamy Pain

Heart-beatMy first husband has had his ups and downs in polygamy to say the least. Nowadays, he’s mostly accepting of life as it is. I know he has come to enjoy having time to himself, I know he loves Tamsin, my daughter with my second husband, and I know that he has even come to appreciate having Graham in our lives.

He is however still struggling with jealousy, a feeling of being left out, and most of all he hates the fact that the children haven’t been able to forgive his initial, giant betrayal.

The other day, I found him sitting in the conservatory looking through old photo albums. We started talking about all the fun we had with the children when they were small, about wonderful holidays in Scotland, about our first dogs… We really had a very nice talk, it felt wonderful to share those memories, that love. Then suddenly, tears came to his eyes. I asked if he missed the children, our son who refuses to talk to him. He nodded.

“But most of all I just mourn the life I lost” – he said.

It sort of says it all, doesn’t it?

To me, the men in polygyny who are completely happy, are the men who have no ability to mourn what they lost.