Letter to My Polygamous Ex Husband

This letter was written by M, a woman who first contacted me in 2013. She has written to me many times since, and this time she asked me to publish her letter.

To my ex husband:

and

I loved you with all my heart.

I felt safe and protected in our marriage. We both shared in everything, when you studied we lived on my salary, when I broke my leg you nursed me, we made plans and shared dreams. You said I was your Noor, your light in life.

One day, out of nowhere, you told me you wanted to find another wife, a second wife. I remember there was a leaf brushing against the window and I sat there completely numb without being able to believe it was really happening I just looked at the leaf and tried to wake up from the nightmare. I didn’t argue, I didn’t cry, I didn’t say anything, because I couldn’t believe that you – my husband, my best friend, my soulmate – had said that you wanted me to share you with another woman. In the evening you made love to me. You caressed me and said I was the most beautiful woman in the world, you entered me and kept whispering “I love you, I love you, I love you”.

The next day we both left for work as usual, dropping our two children off at school and kindergarten first. It was as if nothing had happened, as if the shadow of polygyny had never entered. I started to think it had been a mistake, a horrible dream. But in the evening again, you said it: You wanted to marry another woman, and had I thought about it. I couldn’t say a word, I just cried and cried. You held me and cradled me and kept saying I shouldn’t be afraid, I had to trust your love, and Allah. I asked why, why, why, and you looked me in the eyes and said that you wanted to expand your heart, expand your love – not share it. You said I would always be your first love, closest to your heart. You said you wanted to be a good husband to somebody who had none. You said I should be generous. I wept for weeks, you held me for weeks. In the end I asked you to give me time, help me understand. You said yes. You found videos for me to watch, scholars who explained how polygyny is there for women, not for men, how it’s a test, a woman’s Jihad. How I would be rewarded for passing this test.

You made love to me every night, said that I must feel how much you loved me. You held my face between your palms and said that if another man ever saw my beauty you would die from jealousy. All the while, you were asking me, preparing me, to let you fall in love with another woman, make love to another woman. For the rest of my life, and in eternity.

One day you came home from work and told me you couldn’t wait any longer, that it wasn’t good for me to wait any longer. You were getting married that evening.

I fainted. I woke up in your arms, crying and screaming. You said that it would be better as soon as you were married. I would get used to it, I would stop being afraid. You had your sister waiting in the car, she came up to me and you left.

You married another woman.

I can’t even remember those seven days properly, it’s all in a daze, a turmoil of pain. I slept, I cried, I screamed, I don’t really know how I survived. You called now and then but I couldn’t bear to hear your voice so your sister told you I was getting better. Better?

When you came home, it was the worst day of my life. You came into our bedroom, smiled at me, got into bed next to me, smiled with your eyes and your mouth and said “I’ve missed you so much my love, did you miss me?” Now I know what it feels like to be so filled with rage that it’s possible to kill somebody.

I couldn’t let you touch me. I felt ravaged and soiled by your presence. You had proven to me that you had the heart of a whore, no worse. A whore sells pleasure, you just took pleasure and sold pain. Days and days passed, weeks and months. You left, and came home, left and came home, smelling of another woman, smiling at secrets textmessages, demanding I cut down on my spending on the children since you needed to support her. You other wife. I saw in your phone (yes I snooped) that you sometimes called her Noor, light of your life. You were getting angry with me because I didn’t adjust, because I couldn’t have you touch me, because I didn’t make your life easy. You had a councillor from the masjid over to tell me the angels were cursing me for making my husband angry, that I would enter Paradise through any door I choose if I would only obey my husband and accept polygyny. Everybody said it was a test, a test to see if I had faith, if I was a true mumin, if I had trust in Allah.

My children were suffering. They were hurt by my pain, they were hurt by their father being gone, they were hurt when their father told them he had given up on half their lives to love another woman and eventually her children.

Eventually, I gave in, I gave up. I said I accepted her as my co-wife, I allowed my children to go to her when you wanted it, I let you have my body, I was obedient. You were happy. You gave me a beautiful pair of earrings with diamonds and told me they would remind me of your pure and eternal love for me. I prayed and prayed for help, for some kind of sun to melt the ice in my heart. I felt abandoned, deserted even by my faith, by (forgive me) Allah.

I kept asking: Why did you do this to me? Why was this test sent to me? I begged for help, for mercy. And it came. I found Fiona. I found a friend. And through her I found the courage to search my faith again for answers, and I found them. “Whatever misfortune happens to you, is because of the things your hands have wrought, and only He grants forgiveness” The answer was there all along, I simply hadn’t seen it. The Quran says it loud and clear – mercy and fortune is of Allah, misfortune is created by ourselves!

Yes, polygyny is a test. It is a most horrible and difficult test. Allah asks us: Do we trust in him, or do we trust in our husbands? Do we prefer to cower in misfortune with our husbands, or do we leave in search of true partnership and the marriage Allah promises us, where husband and wife is a garment to each other? Do we really believe Allah would negate on that promise by wanting us to stay in polygyny, with only half or 25% of a man to protect us and our children? No!! If fear of loneliness, fear of not being able to provide for ourselves and our children make us bow to polygyny – we fail the test!! This is the true Jihad – do you have enough trust in Allah to leave your whoring husband and throw yourself on the mercy of Allah? He has given us permission to leave, and the true and ultimate test is if we dare trust upon Him. “No reason have we why we should not put our trust on Allah.Indeed He Has guided us to the Ways we (follow).We shall certainly bear with patience all the hurt you may cause us.For those who put their trust should put their trust on Allah.” I understand now what it means. We must leave, and put our trust in Allah and patiently accept that he will provide – we do not need the husband. Allah wants us to show courage, trust and patience by believing he will provide for us. Those who stay in unhappy polygyny are the losers – they who fail to trust in Allah and His promise that our husbands will be our garments. Some people say it’s Shaitan’s whispers when a woman feels hurt and betrayed when her husband betrays their marriage by taking another woman. But the words of Allah are loud and clear, he never causes us misfortune, we do it ourselves. The whispers of Shaitan come from the evildoers who say polygyny is a right of unjust husbands who have soiled themselves with plural women, so women should try to think of this misfortune as coming from Allah, they say this even though Allah says no misfortune comes from Him! Woe to these evildoers who tell lies in the name of Allah! The Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, said: “Beware of lying because lying leads to dissoluteness, and dissoluteness leads to Hell. A person keeps on telling lies until he is written before Allaah as a liar.”

We have been told that we should not stay in pain, hurt and anger, we should trust Allah. We should not let our children be bereft of a full time father, protection and love. We should not stay with husbands who hurt us and humiliate us, simply because we fear that Allah will not save us from loneliness and poverty. Allah has made divorce permissible and he has told us that women are allowed to choose whom to marry. This is the true test of polygyny – do you trust Allah enough to leave and put our life in His hand, knowing that he will provide for us? Knowing that he has made a promise that marriage should be a garment for husband and wife, and not leave us naked half of our lives?

Allah kept his promise. He gave me the courage to leave you. He provided me with a good husband. A husband who loves me. I have given him all of me, and he gives me all – not 50% or less. He loves me and tells me every day how grateful he is that I came into his life. He spends time every day with the children, loves playing with them, helping them with the homework. Every time our eyes meet, he smiles. I had been so badly burnt by you, that I asked him how he feels about polygyny. He said it is revolting – a practice for men who are handicapped and have such disabled souls and hearts that they can’t allow them to be full of love, in stead they keep searching to be complete by pretending polygyny is still allowed in Islam.

There is one thing I regret.

When I told you I had filed for divorce, and for Khul, you started to beg and cry. You told me you loved me more than anything, that your other wife and the child she carried didn’t matter the least to you, that you would divorce her three times on the spot if I just promised not to leave you, that I could come with you right away and watch you give her a triple talaq. You said it over and over again, how it had all been a mistake, how you felt nothing for her, how you only wanted me. You obviously didn’t realize that you were saying that you had put me and our children through hell, hell, hell for nothing. I regret recording it all, and sending it to her. She didn’t deserve it, it was mean. I am sorry.

I am enjoying life now. My love, my soul and my beauty belong to a man who is deserving. Our children love him. Maybe some time in the future they will want to see you, but I’m not sure. They love him. They call him daddy.

 

And He provides from sources (we) never could imagine. And if any one puts his trust in Allah, sufficient is ((Allah)) for him. For Allah will surely accomplish his purpose: verily, for all things has Allah appointed a due proportion.

45 thoughts on “Letter to My Polygamous Ex Husband

  1. That was an incredibly moving and powerful testimony – of faith and of strength and of how true love can win in the end. I’d love to get to know this woman, if she ever wants to speak on the blog.

  2. Interesting story. It’s good you published her story, it’s a much needed one from an honest Muslim woman’s point of view.

    She said the following:

    “I asked him how he feels about polygyny. He said it is revolting – a practice for men who are handicapped and have such disabled souls and hearts that they can’t allow them to be full of love, in stead they keep searching to be complete by pretending polygyny is still allowed in Islam.”

    Despite her sincerity and finding the light in the darkness, I still wonder why and how Muslims continue to live having a shroud over their eyes regarding Islam. They cover up on Muhammad’s polygyny by saying it was the patriarchal culture those days which required this practice to protect women. If these Muslims sifted through the Hadith stories in particular more, they would find out stories like the case of Juwairiyah bint Harith, where Muhammad married her despite Ayesha disliking her, because she didn’t want Muhammad to be attracted to her, and potentially propose marriage. Also see the verses 66:1-5. If there was more research done on this, Muslims could be more authentic and outspoken on the reality of such practices, cut down on the confusion of such matters, and hence shut them down further from them occurring more in the real world.

    A growing number of reformist Muslims are coming up who recognize the issues within Islam, are willing to do something about it, while holding onto the good and beneficial teachings of Islam that make sense. Other people like me, have grown more spiritual than religious. I do suggest Muslims on opening their eyes more, to prevent further harm onto themselves, and also other people, by digging more to uncover the shrouds that layer on Islamic-based practices which if given continuing coverings by hiding or given false reasoning upon, would continue on and harm many other people in the future as well.

  3. Dear M,
    There have not been many times that I needed to weep while reading this blog. But I did when I read your letter. You have helped me heal. Your courage will be mine.

    I hope someday the regret you feel for having sent that recording will be transformed. I know you sent it out of spite, and that is what bothers you. It doesn’t matter what your motivations were. And I’m sure his second wife reacted in predictable ways, and that doesn’t matter either. You did her a favor by showing her who she is married to.

  4. I’ m certain she’s reading. I love the song she asked me to post with the letter, I had never heard it before now I’ve been playing it all evening!

  5. “They cover up on Muhammad’s polygyny by saying it was the patriarchal culture those days which required this practice to protect women.”

    If this were true, Muhammad would not have refused polygamy for his beloved daughter. He knew the harm it caused, and that it was for the benefit of men, not women. And like most fathers, he was abhorred by the thought his beloved daughter would be treated like he’d treated women.

    I found this testimony very powerful, too.

    And I am very glad this lady found such a fantastic life partner! Someone she deserves, and someone who deserves her.

  6. I really appreciate the story, and I am sure she will help heal a number of people through her courage and family circumstances. And I heard the song too, it is wonderful 🙂 Just the right song used at the ending.

  7. There is life after polygamy! Much to this brave woman and her fortunate children xxx

  8. Glad to know she has found someone who deserves her love, n her children love him 🙂

    Love the song.. i think im gonna download!

  9. This woman has so clearly explained that allah does not test women by choosing polygamy for them. Their husbands are testing them and their husbands are choosing polygamy.

    How many women on the internet have been told it is a test from allah? That their husband didnt choose polygamy, allah did. Nonsense.

    Thank you to this woman for clearly showing how even from an islamic standpoint, it is nonsense to say allah decides polygamy.

  10. Did anyone else notice the extraordinary contrast in this woman’s letter compared to the 411 powerpoint?

    I had just read that joke when I then came to this post.

    The humanity, the fairness, the insight, depth and striving of this woman shone through even brighter when contrasted with the blank, emotionally void, blue powerpoint.

    If anyone out there is thinking about polygamy, read that stupid powerpoint and then read this woman’s eloquent message and listen to the song. If you don’t have doubts after that, then god help you.

  11. LIG, I did notice it. That contrast you speak of further serves to impact both. Negatively or positively depends on your position, I suppose, but I’d like to think Robin’s droning regurgitation of the same old rhetoric only serves to hammer home the emotional impact of raw truth, as provided here by M, and M’s letter likewise highlights the absolute lack of the same contained in Robin’s message.

  12. Yes if I had known what would happen to my life because of polygyny I would have divorced my husband the minute he said he chose polygyny. I was afraid of ending up lonely and with a miserable life so I said. BIG mistake. What we fear by divorce is NEVER EVER as bad as staying. The years of anger and resentment, of being treated unjust and bad. By a husband who is stressed out and never knows how to make life work because both families are unsatisfied. By the co always trying to spoil and ruin life and husband trying to please her. If I had left I could have been happy maybe on my own maybe with a husband. Now all I have is a husband I dont love and havent loved for years who comes and goes and we argue and the children say “Why didn’t you leave”? and they resent us both for staying together. And co doesn’t love him any longer either because all the anger and she thought he’d leave me but he never did and she is so bitter and there is never enough money and time for anybody. But everybody told me to stay and be patient. Yes this is the voice of Satan! If I had listened to a voice of LOVE I would have divorced!

  13. What is significant to me about your story, M, is that you looked to Islam to find freedom. I thank you for this. There are many people who do not have the option to walk away from their religion, for personal and social reasons. The idea that Islam has the key to the door they need to open is breathtaking. For them.

    Robin’s new video is all about the man’s rights, and the woman’s “low emotions.” That mental construct is more evil than the polygynous arrangement.

  14. Dear M,

    like Daryl said, you may have sent the recording to your husband’s second wife for what you feel was an improper reason. Yet, does she not deserve to know her husband took her only as some kind of “side entertainment”? I agree you did her a favour by making her see how her husband cares about her. Do you know if she stayed with him, or maybe liberated herself from him to find a true partner like you did?

    I would hope so for her sake. Whatever she did to you, no one deserves to be married to someone and raising someone’s children who does not care one bit for them.

  15. Yes Dale! I’m sometimes quite critical of islam but I am very encouraged by this woman finding the key to unlocking polygamy in the quran itself. That really is so hopeful for so many people, who as you say, can’t/don’t want to leave the religion because of it.

    Thanks again to this brave woman and to Fiona for helping her and many of us others

  16. Great message! Finally a ray of hope for those who feel incomplete without faith. I think its a good test for them to see how strongly they believe that Allah/God is their real provider not a husband who is a slave of his desires.

  17. “I regret recording it all, and sending it to her. She didn’t deserve it, it was mean. I am sorry.”

    I was so not ready for that line. Ouch. Amazing story. Congrats to this woman and any woman who chooses to follow their true path.

  18. This was so healing for me to read and so eye opening.

    I got married at 17 and in sha allah this December I will be married for 15 years. When I got married I asked my husband if he would want a second wife, he said no way, dealing with one I hard enough.

    Since then alhamdulilah we have three children. We have had many many ups and downs, but I’ve always hung on. I also told him my line is if he cheated or took a second wife.

    I told him we struggle financially and it will complicate our situation.

    Any way last year after being in and out of work he finally got a job he liked. He started working 7 days a week coming home after 11.00 at night I didn’t say anything as I though be grateful he is working and we finally getting out of debt and finally we have food in the fridge. Every Sunday he would finish work early but still come home airline 2 am. Eventually I plucked up the courage to politely say we miss u kids never see u

    My understanding tone and concern was responded with u don’t understand me, u don’t fulfil me, I want a second wife. My calm response was ‘but u can’t afford one’ I said this very confidently and where is the time when ur kids don’t see u as they in bed when u get in and they leave to go to school before u are up.

    His hurtful response was if u want a task done, u give it to a busy man and that she can provide for herself!!!.

    Yes sadly this is the trend many many single sisters in their latr 30s really just wanted family and children and are financially stable and also many divorced sisters just want companionship and are more than happy to provide for themselves and thier children.

    I was so shocked, and tried to show him logic, eventually I thought I’ve been separated before where he stopped giving money as it’s hard to rent a room and give money for ur children, and I thought if he stays married to me at least the kids will still see something of him as he will be forced to come, rather than cancel on them, and he will be forced to see how hard things are. Also deep down I feared soo much how I would cope financially as the debt was in my name from all the things I had bought when he wasnt working.

    I panicked and agreed and even asked if we could have eid ul fits and she has eid ul adha with him. He responded with actually no I don’t want a second wife, it’s not right she provides fir self, I just want a divorce. I was devastating and as I was clinging on to my marriage I said u go to her and stay married to me and I will provide for me and kids. He said he would think about it!!!!!! Luckily I came to my senses and told him, he’ll no, I said fine divorce me but at least let me pay of the debt,.

    The next few months I prayed so hard and alhamdulilah he changed his mind. But as we approach a year since that happened, he is bringing it up again,. I’m in soo much pain, as it’s all my fault,I can’t fulfil him, he feels empty. Even though I know it’s him and not me, I hurt so badly that I have lived a life suffering and in poverty never complaining hoping this would make him love me. Hoping he could see good in me, but he is so heartless and says it’s not his fault I don’t have good qualities he admires.

    I was still thinking of staying just To prove he won’t be happy. I thought it’s my test, I have to give the children stability, if I leave it will be worse.

    We have fought so much and I thibk I fear what if it is me, and I’m the reason he’s not happy, then if my own husband of 15 years sees no good in me then how can anybody else.

    Only after reading this I see my mind is full of fear and lack of self esteem.
    I can only pray when he decides to do it, that he is never happy and that allah takes care of me and my children.

    I have taken beatings, insults, seeing him constantly on Facebook and what’s app with women, all of this from a charming arabic teacher, that everyone looks up to. I have lost 6 kg over the pass two years due to stress and going cheap on food.

    And stupid me didn’t complain and was just understanding. If I cry, he says I’m playing the victim, he isn’t doing anything wrong. I don’t kbow why I expect him to care how I feel. I’m his biggest regret. I soooo wish I could expose him

  19. Salaam Mars,

    I am glad you found this blog. Yes, you must take the strength you can find here and use it in your life. As you allready know, accepting polygyny brings nothing but pain, suffering and loathing of both yourself and your husband and marriage. To take steps to accept polygyny simply because you are afraid of being on your own means that you climb into a torture chamber and every step along the road of polygyny turns the key in the lock and prevents you from ever getting out. If I had known then what I know today of the pain and destruction of my soul that polygyny brings I would never never never never have allowed fear of loneliness to stop me from leaving and having a real life.

  20. Amen, First Wife. I couldn’t have said it better myself.

    Mars (love your name btw), I’ve been where you are. I try never to have any regrets in life, because experiences make up the whole of who and what we are. I like me. I’ve screwed up plenty, but I like me. So it’s difficult to say I “regret” anything, but if I could have just one do-over in life, it would be that when my ex became polygynous I’d have ran out of that hell of a marriage before it sucked the life out of me. I advise women in misery not to make the mistake I did, and think that if you stick it out everything will be okay in the end. It won’t be. Yeah, my husband got rid of #2, eventually, but by that time our marriage was an empty shell. I felt nothing. Going to the court house and filing divorce papers was the day I finally could breathe again.

    Women, especially Muslim women, think that if their husband divorces them it will be the worst thing they could possibly deal with. I believe there’s something worse – and that is, that he won’t divorce you. So I say get rid of him.

    And as far as exposing….if he actually IS fooling around with other women, there’s a website called shesahomewrecker.com and its sister site, hesahomewrecker.com

  21. Dear Mars,

    It’s very hard to think clearly when you are in the middle of emotional distress. It wears us down mentally, physically and our self esteem gets destroyed. The longer it goes on for the harder it is to see a way out. You just want to feel loved, protected, and feel calm and you wait for it to come. You could be waiting forever.

    Your husband feels entitled to polygamy. This probably will not change.

    Do you have family or financial means to live alone with your children? If times are a financial struggle with your husband, then maybe it won’t be that much more of a struggle being single.

    I promise you one thing – the heart craves peace and I only found that again after I left a man that thought he was entitled to polygamy. I can’t begin to tell you what a relief it is not to be around a man hunting for another wife. My husband also couldnt afford it, but they like to overlook it. Yes, I had lonely times, but even that was so much better than waiting in polygamy limbo not knowing what will happen next.

    I get the feeling your husband feels unfulfilled in life. Like he had big ambitions and they never happened for him. Even financially he has not been successful. You are a witness to all his disappointments. I think that may be what motivates him, he wants a woman who will look up to him as a success, someone who has not witnessed his failures, someone to boost his ego. He has a problem, not you. Don’t feel you have failed.

    I wonder also if it wasn’t him that decided not to divorce you, but maybe the woman he wanted chose not to marry him so he stayed. It seems possible given he is already looking again.

    I really hope you can get help. You deserve peace and happiness and your kids deserve seeing their mum healthy and happy. Kids always know xxx

  22. //I can’t begin to tell you what a relief it is not to be around a man hunting for another wife. My husband also couldnt afford it, but they like to overlook it. Yes, I had lonely times, but even that was so much better than waiting in polygamy limbo not knowing what will happen next.//

    I sometimes wonder, what’s wrong with these men? Are they so soaked in their sense of entitlement that they cannot see what they are doing to their closest companion that they currently have?

  23. Thank you all so much for your replies of support it really helps. last year when this happened, i prayed and prayed. This kept me focused and well things seemed to sort its self out. usually when ever i have prayed it has helped. However this time, i don’t even want to ask God to fix it. i cant help but think there is better out there for me and i am delaying it by asking for this joke of a marriage to work.

    I’m trying to take things slowly day by day, sometimes I’m very positive and just get on with it. other days I’m full of rage and hurt and lash out. little things like my son not doing well with his grades will start me off with my negative thoughts. like how will i cope when hes gone, i keep forgetting im doing it alone any way. or im on facebook, which i know is not real life, but cant help but feel down when my male childhood friends put of pics of their family and all the time they spend with them.

    i guess i feel ‘ what’s wrong with me?’ ‘why i cant be treated in this way?’. i don’t know why, but deep down i guess i would love a caring reaction from the man i’m living with. last night he asked how i was feeling. i told him im fine, and he was like what does that mean. he wanted to know if i wanted a divorce, even though i have never used these words, but i just said yes. he so desperately wants out, i didn’t even have the strength to say no .

    All i know is i wont start the divorce proceedings until im out of debt, in the mean time i have stopped making the effort. i don’t stay up waiting for him, i don’t make plans with him, or try and include him in anything i do. next week im graduating from an Islamic studies course, i’ve asked him not to attend, even though he probably wouldn’t have come any way. i tell the kids anything they need to text him, and i wont hold back in what’s needed, as he doesn’t appreciate it.

    deep deep down i want him to want me, just so i feel good, then i can say HELL NO!!! but sadly he isn’t bothered that i want out, he is really relaxed about it , which is killing me. so when i wake up t 3 in the morning and he is still on his phone , oh it burns that none of this is effecting him

    i totally agree that he hasn’t achieved what he wanted in life, hes in his early 40’s and is really feeling it. oh and i wished my husband cared i was on this page, but he doesn’t give a shit. i can basically do what i want,

  24. Yes Mariam. I think it’s like a door they open and can’t close. Or an itch they can’t scratch. Something occurs that takes polygamy from something theoretical in islam to them actually visualising it happening in their lives. For some men it’s when they meet another woman, for my husband it was becoming friends with a man looking for polygamy and he took my gullible husband along on the ride.

    I think my husband was so confidant that I would not leave. I was also in a vulnerable space, I had been through some very upsetting things in the months before and was quite dependent on him. That made him think I wouldn’t leave. I now despise that he took advantage of that knowingly or not.

    I spent a year living with him looking, justifying polygamy and then something snapped and I didn’t want him anymore. I remember looking at him one day and thought “you disgust me, I have no respect and no love left for you”.

    I would like to warn all men thinking about polygamy that the same thing could happen with their wife. Polygamy can destroy her love for you so be very careful.

    Mars my husband really didn’t appreciate what qualities I had until he lost me. Your husband probably is the same. He won’t see what you did for him until you are gone.

    My husband is still trying to get me back now, 1-2yrs later, but for me the hurt was too great. I really did stop loving him and he never saw that coming. I think many muslim men are raised to believe women will never leave, we will put up with anything, we will only ever love him etc. Boy, what a shock to learn we have similar needs and feelings that he does.

  25. I wonder if the jealousy women show at the start of polygamy falsely reassurances the husband she will not leave him.

    But as we know, after a while it’s very likely the wife starts resenting the husband for the way he is making her feel.

    Not all women are able to leave, but Im pretty sure the love they once had for their husband dies.

    I don’t think men understand this at all.

  26. Thanks lifeisgood for your heart-based comments.

    //I think many muslim men are raised to believe women will never leave, we will put up with anything, we will only ever love him etc. Boy, what a shock to learn we have similar needs and feelings that he does.//

    To be honest, I myself as a female was brainwashed to think this way regarding women. But then as I grew older, I consciously realised I myself am a woman, lol. Then some of the smoke regarding this false thinking started clearing as I started to understand myself better, before understanding anyone else.

    Women usually are more emotional, and hence more forgiving and compassionate. That could be a major reason why they seem to put up with more. That doesn’t even slightly mean what they are accepting or enduring is any less toiling or painful for them though.

  27. Actually, I don’t believe women are more emotional. We are however allowed by culture to show emotions more, and we are better at verbalizing our emotions. But my experience is that women are also more rational than men. Men are simply brought up to be emotional cripples. I pity them. Men in patriarchal societies even more so.

  28. Yeap I agree with ur statement, it’s an itch they have to scratch, so he can go and scratch it and close the door behind him. I’m trying to stay strong, as I know once he’s gone the test start for me, but I know I’d rather deal with that him staying. Right now I’m waiting in limbo, don’t know what’s going to happen next

  29. Mars, I do not know which country you live in. In my jurisdiction, in a divorce agreement or verdict, the debt entered into during the marriage need to be settled between the partners. Even if a loan or debt is in the name of one partner, of course after a marriage of 15 yrs and especially when you at the time had income or assets and your husband did not, it will be your common debt upon divorce officially. It might even be his alone if you paid disproportionately much during those 15 yrs. I do not know if this is possible in your jurisdiction, of course.

    Maybe you are entitled to legal aid? Or do seek a good divorce lawyer’s initial advice. Initial counselling might cost you 2-3 hrs (depending on their standing and reputation probably 200$/hr). But it could be good for you to know whether in your jurisdiction the judge in the divorce verdict can declare your husband debitor of the loan that during your marriage you entered into alone (officially), whereas he just paid some of the installments. Knowing this, you have more options going forward!

  30. I spent a year living with him looking, justifying polygamy and then something snapped and I didn’t want him anymore. I remember looking at him one day and thought “you disgust me, I have no respect and no love left for you”.

    ****

    LIG, SO MUCH THIS!!! That’s exactly what happened with me and asshole. I can’t stand the man now. He was up til I got a different phone, bugging me nonstop. I finally shut down that other phone, yanked the battery out and got rid of it. I don’t know his number by memory, and he doesn’t have my new one. Peace prevails ❤

    "D" is such a polar opposite. In every single way. I'm scared I'm falling in love with him though, but I keep reminding myself that this decent guy shouldn't pay for what asshole did.

    OAN: Taking this opportunity to let you girls know that my book made the cut, I'm in the Top 50 for So You Think You Can Write!!!! I was SHOCKED when I got the email!

    So if you haven't already (here we go, shameless begging) please head over to wattpad.com, create an account if you haven't already, and vote on the "Pitch" page. Even if you've already voted on the "Pitch" page, you can click the vote button to UNvote, and then just vote again. Those with the top number of votes between today and Oct 14 will advance to the top 25, so I need all the help I can get! It's like the literary version of American Idol LOL….

    https://www.wattpad.com/story/44312760-catch-the-fallen-star-sytycw15-superromance

    Thanks so much for all the help you can give….this is my dream, and one that Asshole absolutely didn't believe in or support. In fact he said I was living in la-la-land, wasting my time, and my writing would go nowhere 😛

  31. Sadly clever me didn’t have my marriage registered, only an Islamic one that we didn’t register. The debt isn’t to high 1200 but when u struggling to pay rent it feels alot. I’m just waiting for my youngest to start full time school next September so I can go back to full time work

  32. Thanks, y’all ❤

    Making it this far even is such an "IN YO FACE" moment for me to my ex-husband. If I make the top 25, even more so. Since he made writing a near-impossible thing for me during our marriage – complaining nonstop about it and then during the polygynous years, I was so distraught and screwed up in the head I could barely form a coherent sentence, never mind write anything decent. This is my healthy outlet for revenge, to prove to him that I can do what he said I'd never be able to do. While that's certainly not the sole purpose or even a main purpose, it's still served well by proving how completely wrong he was 😀

  33. Unchained, I have cast my vote over as well 🙂 Congratulations for making to the top 50, and for your hard work and passion! ❤

  34. Thanks Mariam! ❤ Tonight is "celebration" night, over at "D's" house. I've cooked chicken curry to bring with and he got a bottle of wine. I don't even care if I win or not, just placing in the competition with such amazingly talented writers is astounding 😀
    But placing in the top 25? HUGE. I'll feel like I won if I manage that! Hence the please vote please vote PLEASE PLEASE vote!

  35. Good luck! I voted over the weekend. Life is going great for you, it’s nice to hear xxx

  36. New to this site. I just had to comment on this particular article.

    I don’t know if the letter writer is still reading these comments, but I’m so happy that you’ve finally found love and peace. Please enjoy it, you’ve earned it.

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