3 Most Common Complaints in Polygamy

maleslaveWe have settled into a calm life of polygamy, plain sailing most of the time. The conflicts that do arise are mostly minor and easily settled. When my first husband was still with his #2 there were LOADS of conflicts all the time, every single mole hill turned into a mountain. Not so now. That just shows how important it is that polygamy is voluntary, just and equal. And it clearly shows that women don’t cope with sharing a spouse better than men – it’s all about how polygamy is done, not about gender.

Anyway, now and then we keep stumbling over minor issues, the typical complaints of polygamy. The most common complaints being:

1. Time issues. There is no way everybody concerned in polygamous marriage will be content with the division of time. Weekends, holidays, anniversaries… the best way to cope, for us anyway, has been to set a three day schedule (it used to be four, but we changed it because of Tamsin) and stick to it no matter what. In the beginning we allowed for my husbands to choose three set dates each, so Graham e.g. chose Christmas Day, his birthday and our anniversary. (If you want, you can find an early post of mine showing how I used this system to get at my husband’s #2!) We had to give up on that too, because if something happened that forced me to give the “set date” to the other husband, like somebody being ill, it just made matters worse… “You always give up my time, and now you even gave him my set date!!”. So no, now we have a three day schedule, with 14 days holiday for each husband. And Christmas Day together. This way nobody is completely satisfied, and there are always grumblings about the schedule.

2. Intimacy. There is no way ever anybody can be completely at ease with sharing the person you love sexually with somebody else. I have to be very careful about e.g. not wanting sex, because both my husbands would see that as a sign that I might be more attracted to the other one. If I am uninterested in sex on change over day, the husband I just came home to would interpret that to say that I just had sex with the other husband before I left him (which might be true) and this always triggers hurt and jealousy. For me, this really isn’t a problem since I can always just have sex anyway, but I don’t understand how polygynous men handle it. I have also made a habit of taking a shower and changing clothes the first thing I do when I change homes. I used to get complaints about the way I smelled, Mark e.g. buys me very spicy perfumes, Escada is a favourite, while Graham prefers light scents like Happy. Ok, so I shower and change. That way, I also get rid of most of the scent I carry from the other husband. Graham only uses Clinique deo without scent, but Mark usually wears a rather heavy Gaultier perfume. Anyway, they both claim that they can smell each other on me, so I shower and change clothes. I’m also very careful about intimate hygiene. If a candida infection starts bouncing back and fro, it’s really irritating and also makes my husbands intimately aware that they are sharing body fluids so I do everything I can to avoid that. It was extremely difficult while I was pregnant I can tell you! I also avoid changing my behaviour in any way, such changes only cause jealousy, so if a husband wants something new to happen in bed – he has to initiate it himself!

3. The Wall of Silence. The silence that is caused by the fact that my husbands can share everything with me, but I have to be very careful about what I share with them. Some doors just have to be kept locked. I usually try to avoid ending up having to say “I can’t share that with you” or “I can’t tell you that”, but when I do it can cause weeks of grief. It’s a permanent conflict even when nothing really sets it off. Sometimes both Graham and Mark hide things from me, and try to hurt me by hiding things, just to sort of equal the field. And the fact remains – I am their best friend, but none of them can be mine.

48 thoughts on “3 Most Common Complaints in Polygamy

  1. Salaam A

    My husband has called for mediation between us, with my father and with people from both families and the masjid. It is to be on tuesday. Until then I stay with my husband but as in Iddah although we are not really in Iddah. I would very much appreciate any hadith or surah to use to give islamic arguments to my husband that he can not marry a woman who can infect me!

  2. Some kind of intervention? Ok, well if your husband believes people will speak FOR him in this, that in itself makes me sad… 😦

  3. Dear Kira,

    maybe this will help:
    “among the Sharee’ah rules established by the jurists is that the harm should be removed. Their evidence for this is the Hadeeth narrated by Maalik may Allaah have mercy upon him in Al-Muwatta’ and by Ahmad may Allaah have mercy upon him in Al-Musnad that the Prophet sallallaahu `alayhi wa sallam ( may Allaah exalt his mention ) said: “There should be no harm nor reciprocal harm.” This means that it is not permissible for a person to do something by which he could harm himself or harm others.

    It is for this reason, that some jurists may Allaah have mercy upon them considered some infectious diseases such as leprosy, as diseases that give a person the right to invalidate the marriage. Some scholars added to these diseases any repulsive disease.

    Also, the scholars may Allaah have mercy upon them made it obligatory upon each spouse to inform the other of any defects or repulsive diseases he/she might have. This applies whether a person has more than wife or only one wife as a way of preventing harm. Therefore, it is not permissible for the husband if he is inflicted with a contagious disease to be a cause for transmitting it to his wife, or be a cause for transmitting it from his sick wife to another healthy wife.”
    http://www.islamweb.net/emainpage/index.php?page=showfatwa&Option=FatwaId&Id=183395

    please also check the following links:
    http://en.islamtoday.net/node/1539
    http://islamqa.org/hanafi/daruliftaa/7699

    “When Allah says: “Men are the qawwâmûn of women…” it means – and Allah knows best – that men are held liable for handling the affairs of women and are responsible for the women under their care. A husband, therefore, has the responsibility of taking care of his wife, protecting her, defending her honor, and fulfilling her needs regarding her religion and her worldly life. It does not mean – as all too many people have falsely assumed – that he has the right to behave obstinately towards her, compel her, subject her to his will, suppress her individuality, and thus heinously negate her identity.”
    http://en.islamtoday.net/artshow-264-3151.htm

    Islam most certainly does not deny the existence of contagious diseases. In fact, the Prophet commanded to avoid such diseases. He said: “Run away from the leper same as you would from a lion.” [Sahîh al-Bukhârî (5707) and Sahîh Muslim (2220)].

    He also said: “The person who has a contagious disease should not approach a healthy person.” [Sahîh Muslim (2221)]

    The Prophet said: “If you hear that a land has been stricken by plague, do not approach it, and if your land is stricken by plague, do not leave it”. [Sahîh al-Bukhârî (5728)]

    It is well-known that plague is contagious and the hadîth therefore gives a general warning against all contagious diseases.

    Disease is harmful and it should be avoided, as clearly stated in many authentic hadîth where the Prophet (peace be upon him) said “Harm should be removed.”

  4. Well, the local imam has already spoken for him. What about the fatwa that was posted here the other day? About not marrying the man with herpes? If a woman cannot marry a good man who is infected, a man cannot marry a woman who is infected with a sexually transmitted disease by the same token. Also, he needs to protect his wife from harm. A sexually transmitted disease is harm. Also, in this particular case it is a disease that destroys her ability to give life. To become a mother is important in Islam. Also, in this case it is a disease that might kill her. A Muslim is not allowed to intentionally harm their bodily health/integrity. A husband holds the duty to prevent harm from his wife.

  5. Dear Kira,
    You might also want to arm yourself with knowledge on HPV. What it does, what the risks are, what uterine cancer does, etc. Arm yourself with knowledge so your husband and the woman’s father cannot be the ones debating how she is not sick, one does not know if she ever will fall sick etc. Know the risks and facts, because ultimately a risk of dying or developing a life-threatening disease is bad enough of a deal for you! What does your father say? does he want to accept the result of the mediation, or will he support you to seek a divorce no matter what?

  6. Kira,
    I can’t help you with the hadith or the surah because I am not Muslim, but I used to be a Mediator with the Center for Justice and Mediation, and I can only speak from that standpoint.

    Mediation sounds like a good idea, and it attracts idealistic people. My experience is that, often, after Mediation, the weaker party is weakened, and the stronger party is strengthened.

    I know you mainly want this pain to go away, and for your life to start unfolding the way you had envisioned it. It doesn’t matter what your husband says, he has already shown you exactly who he is. It is time to leave childhood behind.

    I think you should make a decision about what you want, and figure how how to make it happen.

  7. It’s nice to see people’s outpouring help for Kira. I wish Kira whole-hearted good luck in this life situation.

    To be honest, such situations scare me in a way. If there was more women empowerment available, or women protection to enable her to speak out and live as an equal human being to men, things would have been more different. In societies where women are expected to suck up more and be more accepting of the way they are being treated, or thought about as subservient, it obviously gets much more difficult.

    Still in Kira’s case despite having an animalistic type husband who is bend on using his upper hand level of rights to wield things his way (and coming across as an immature and cruel man by the remotely insightful person, and potentially confusing to those to whom “logical reasons” regarding his behavior is presented), she still has ample evidence to object against this marriage on basis of Shariah law itself. I am glad her father is by her side in this. I hope he remains strong and supportive for his daughter, and at least see that things work out in the best interest of her and her child.

  8. Dear Kira,

    It sounds like your husband hopes mediation will convince you he is right, and you hope mediation will convince him you are right.

    For mediation to work both sides need to be able to compromise. I don’t see a situation that would be agreeable to both of you.

    Either he will marry the girl and have unprotected sex with her or not. What possible compromise is there? He could marry her and have protected sex with her, or he could start having protected sex with you instead? Either option deprives one of you of full intimacy and having children.

    There is no middle ground in this situation. And I think the masjid will agree with your husband unfortunately. To agree with you the masjid would be saying this woman is unmarriageable and I think they will avoid doing that. Realistically, she is marriageable in monogamy as she can’t pass it to her husband but unmarriageable in polygamy as she can pass it to another woman.

    Can you have a doctor join the mediation to explain how dangerous the disease is? In my country all young girls are offered the vaccine for free – that is how dangerous it is considered.

    Stay strong and trust your father with this. His actions have proven he loves you and wants to protect you. I’m sorry Kira, but your husband isn’t showing this at all.

  9. Re your post Fiona.

    Your no. 2 and 3 would be the hardest for me and im not sure which would be worst.

    Days wouldnt bother me too much as Im busy anyway so would probably be fine with time to myself. And im not sentimental about anniversaries, holidays etc (although maybe I would become that way if I was in polygamy 🙂 )

    I couldnt bear smelling another woman’s perfume, or even her laundry powder/soap on my husband (hypothetically) or on his clothes even. It would make me feel ill. I can see how your cleaning ritual helps, but for me, even that would be an aromatic reminder of ‘the other’.

    But the wall of silence must be palpable at times. That and the ‘oh remember when…’ only to discover the shared experiece wasnt with me. I think I would put up walls to minimise any further hurt.

    Perhaps at times we underestimate what Mark and Graham go through. And I dont know how you manage it.

  10. @ Kira Since the vaccine has been mentioned, it is available for free in many countries. It is not uncontroversial though, as side effects are quite rare, but can be severe. Chronical inflammations of the urinary tract and bordering regions. Very painful, frequent use of antibiotics and potential resistancy of the bacteria to the antibiotics (chronical pain). Cases of severe and permanent side effects were on the news a couple of months after the vaccine was made widely available where I live. Victims of side effects had to be hospitalized and treated for extended periods of time, because inflammations in that body region are dangerous (can affect vital organs in proximity in the worst case).

    So when people want you to take the vaccine, just be sure to be fully aware of the potential rare but very severe side effects, and be sure to be certain the type of HPV the woman has can in fact be countered by the vaccine at all (else you risk the side effects and are not protected against cancer).

    By the way, the Imam you mentioned. Is he the only Imam in your region? Is he a village or small town Imam? Are there more reputed religious institutions, like universities, in your region you or your father might be able to contact for a fatwa?

  11. ” Realistically, she is marriageable in monogamy as she can’t pass it to her husband but unmarriageable in polygamy as she can pass it to another woman.”

    That makes a lot of sense.

  12. LIG,
    “Perhaps at times we underestimate what Mark and Graham go through”

    Fiona’s description affected me similarly. But what came out more strongly for me was my frustration over the awareness Fiona has, and the effort she is making. Not because the effort is being made, it is correct to make it, but because it is only women who make it.

    Polygynous husbands either ignore their wives suffering, or attempt to talk it out of existence. A few seem to realize the pain, but only inasmuch as it is their own pain. Those men, sympathetic as they are, anticipated that polygyny would be a solid gain, and were unprepared when it also brought a real palpable loss into their lives: the formerly full time attention of the first wife who has now become emotionally distant.

    Some of those men go on to handle the arrangement in a problematic way so the subsequent difficulties can be understood as the seat of the problem, not their own mental vacancy.

  13. Yeah I was thinking you, Kira should contact a more reputable and educated religious institute, instead of these uneducated type imams who are unaware of the consequences of such dangerous and murderous viruses. Showing scientific journal or conference papers to these reputable clerics would help strengthen your case.

  14. Dale, I often get frustrated myself. And seeing a number of religions, we see similar patterns of misogynistic attitudes made towards women in a dispassionate way, so in that way turning them into sub-humans, instead of full humans with a range of qualities, with their delicacy and woman instincts honored and revered.

    Misogyny (and misandry as well, but we usually see misogyny) is a major red flag in religions and cultures, to be aware of. I would rate it as one of the top three red flags, to detect whether a less-than-divine hand is present within those religious or cultural teachings. It saves some time to sift through on how much of divine nature is present within those teachings, in my opinion.

    By the way the late Barry Long seems to be one of the really good and inspirational spiritual teachers who existed on earth. Check out this short video of his, you won’t regret it, on love versus sex:

  15. One of the reasons I mentioned on misogyny present in religious and cultural teachings, is that the already confused men become more confused and lost when they also get fed such type of teachings. And if such teachings are embedded within the foundations of those religions and cultures, the less inspired man would find it all the more difficult to figure out how to best be emotionally and psychologically attuned to the needs of his wife, perhaps even consider such traits as feminine (which is most definitely NOT AT ALL, but is gender neutral).

    Unless he prioritizes his own innate knowing and observation of the real world over the external ideas taught to him, that’s a different case.

  16. “RANT ALERT” (I thought i should add it after i re read my comment before posting”)
    Mariam, you are so right. If we put ourselves in mens shoes its is clear that they too are slaves to varying degrees of their conditioning “Unless he prioritizes his own innate knowing and observation of the real world over the external ideas taught to him, that’s a different case.” It takes a very strong, intelligent, kind and honest man to do what you said and stand against a system that gives him power. Many make varying degrees of evil efforts including violence to maintain the system and keep their power, a large majority stays silent and continues to befit from the system, many just do lip service or are hypocrites e.g. do the right thing for comfort of their own daughter but have different standards for DILs, many make genuine efforts but don’t succeed much but there ARE some men who live it and set an example. My husband is very close to the last category. I have recently realized that he deserves much more support from me for his honest efforts and actions to not let cultural conditioning affect him. His married sisters are employed but still meet all the traditional expectations that our culture have from women i.e. their career comes second and first priority is husband and in-laws expectations at home and caring for kids is mainly their responsibility. My MIL is visiting us and it took some adjustment for 3 of us to live together. Its sad to know how my MIL worked so hard and tolerated so much all her life to meet similar and much more expectations but now when her time came to reap the benefits of traditional Indian joint family system we (my husband and I) don’t believe in that system anymore. I am sure she feels betrayed and is bitter about it. She is not vocal or demanding about it because she knows her son wouldn’t accept that behavior but i can clearly see that how we live makes her unhappy (e.g. she would rather do the dishes herself than let her son do it and my husband refuses her offers and does it himself). Because of her silent expression of unhappiness i feel the tension at home and don’t feel comfortable in my own home. My husband sees all this and tries his best to keep everything civil. She does everything to make his life easy and cooks him hot meals etc which i also eat but know i get looked at like i am good for nothing and am shamelessly taking advantage of her while not performing my duties as a good DIL and wife 🙂 Mariam or other from similar cultures will understand what i mean here 🙂 So i feel insecure and left out in my own home and tell my husband how lucky he is that two women are supposed to be serving him and he at least has one who will do whatever it takes to make his life easy and will not talk back to him. He understands where i am coming from and does things to help me feel more comfortable and tells me to not feel pressure to do more at home and focus on my work. Indian cooking is messy and you can’t imagine the time it takes for cooking and cleaning up, the western kitties are not made to take all that Indian cooking. Helping with cooking and cleaning was expected from me mainly and she didnt look happy when my husband had to do it and we don’t really have that much time to focus on cleaning daily, we have now hired help for that). I did try at times to do a little more at home to give his mom some company and help in kitchen but then my office work falls behind Basically if i’m damned if I do and damned if i don’t. So i have chosen later 🙂 and its going ok except his mom and i don’t communicate much just need basis and i can see she is not very pleased with the situation but can’t do much about it. I have also realized that my overthinking and keeping score like what my husband did or didnt do right and looking at everything in our lives from equity perspective takes away a lot of happiness from our lives. Thank you all for reading my rant and i will appreciate any advice on how i can create a win-win situation at my home. I have no pressure to change anything but i want us all to be happy not bitter and want my home atmosphere a little less tense and more relaxed if you understand what i mean here.

  17. Fiona, Everytime i read anything related to your family situation it makes me so sad. Do you ever consider giving up polygamy. Do you think the pain of being aware of their pain and knowing you can never do enough to make it go away is too much to continue your polygamous life? I just had hard time adjusting with other woman (MIL) in my life who is willing to shower all the affection and make all sacrifices for my husband. I can’t imagine the pain of completely sharing your partner with someone who has exactly same place in his/her life as yourself. I think its just too cruel to do this to anyone. Do you feel you are wrong to participate in an arrangement that causes similar pain to Mark and Graham that you yourself didnt accept in your life.

  18. //Days wouldnt bother me too much as Im busy anyway so would probably be fine with time to myself. And im not sentimental about anniversaries, holidays etc (although maybe I would become that way if I was in polygamy 🙂 )

    I couldnt bear smelling another woman’s perfume, or even her laundry powder/soap on my husband (hypothetically) or on his clothes even. It would make me feel ill. I can see how your cleaning ritual helps, but for me, even that would be an aromatic reminder of ‘the other’.//

    OMG. This, this, this. You nailed it. I’m not a romantic sentimental type, usually. But oh boy, did that ever change when #2 came along. And YES about him smelling like the soap he used at #2’s, and his clothes coming back smelling like the laundry detergent #2 used. It made me absolutely nuts.

    So strange, how much I cherished having time to myself before he became polygynous. Whether it was his long work hours or if he went hunting or fishing or what have you. But when his time away was spent with another woman, I couldn’t stand being by myself. At least, not at first. After awhile I became numb to it, and learned to tolerate it, and even enjoy it some. But dude couldn’t be late coming back to our home, no way, no how, or I went fifty kinds of psycho. SMH…..when he and #2 called it off, as well as now that we’re also divorced, I’m wondering just what the hell I wanted him around for.

    Polygyny brings out the insane and irrational in everyone involved :/

  19. What seems to make the difference in Fiona’s case, as Dale said, is that Fiona acknowledges the hurt polygamy can cause and tries to minimise it, which men don’t.

    That is part of any healing process, the other party accepting they wronged the other. I remember Fiona saying that was part of forgiving Mark.

    Men that keep saying “I’ve done nothing wrong….it’s halal….god wouldn’t make something bad lawful” make their wife’s suffering even worse by never acknowledging her hurt. It’s trivialised as female jealousy.

    And yes unchained, even the hint of polygamy makes a person insane and irrational. I remember being on the verge of wanting to divorce my husband (for other reasons) when the polygamy word came up….good lord I was all over that marriage for the next few months. Stepford wives had nothing on me 🙂 Then I turned around one day, really looked at him and thought “you arse, how dare you take you away my dignity”. From that day his face, his smell, the sound of his voice just repulsed me.

    Even to this day I can’t buy the same washing up liquid and laundry powder because it takes me right back to the house we shared and the person I became during that time.

  20. Interesting rant Laila 😉 I could connect with your words a lot since I belong to the same sub-continent. We have the exact same problems. Culture and religion combined together have created this scenario for women. In my country the power of cultural ideas or religious ideas or both are used at each time to wield a level of power over women. I am glad you and your husband are among the people who have made a stand to reject such traditional system of operating. And I am sooo glad you have that kind of supportive husband. You got to experience on how a truly supportive husband who appreciates women rights and egalitarian attitude is 🙂

  21. Laila I enjoyed your post about your MIL. I think you and your husband are doing everything possible to accommodate her. Short of falling in line with her expected gender roles, there’s not much you can do.

    Just keep being polite, sincere and she may eventually realise her son is happy and you have a good marriage. As a mother myself, I would be very pleased to see my son living in a way that achieved those things.

  22. Speaking of arses there’s one over at the other place…..the first wife is evil, the imam in the US refused to perform a second marriage so he’s evil too…the guy wasn’t working when he wanted polygamy (helloooooo welfare abuse)…….but hey, don’t be so hard on yourself brother, you’ve done wrong!

  23. lifeisgood, i read that too and just posted the link in other thread here for you all to read this man and also Gail’s fitting reply in response to his comment. I never understand Ummof4, she stays silent most of the time but whenever there is any post going against polygamy or Shariaah law she comes in to set the tone again in favor of Shariaah. She is the one who brought up interesting point how foreign born Imams are scared of deportation and don’t want to perform polygamy wedding but US born will happily do it

  24. Haha laila, I replied to your post on the other thread. Umm4’s arrogance is ironic given she likes to portray herself as so devout. She always waltzes in pretending she knows more than anyone else. She keeps her most vitriolic replies to the second wives that refer to the first wife’s as ‘old’….as she herself is quite aged. I imagine her being quite interfering and controlling at her local mosque. She tells others to stay out of their co wife’s business but she personally advises her husband about his wives. She posted recently about telling a young man not to marry a girl based on what she knew of her, gossip in other words. Great big hypocrite.

  25. Do I ever think of giving up on polygamy? No, not really. I don’t see how I could. I love Graham with all my heart, we have a little girl together and my grown children love him, and turn to him as if he were their father. He has sacrificed so much to be with me. He is free to go of course, but I could never betray him. And Mark is still my love, the person in this world who knows me, the father of my children, my crazy, funny husband who makes me feel like a woman… I really don’t see how I could opt out of polygamy without causing oh so much hurt and sorrow…

  26. I understand how you feel Fiona. Real life seems to be more complicated and messy than theoretically more simpler responses to certain issues. Sometimes such complications make us feel more vulnerable, as we ourselves wish we could act on simpler solutions and cause less hurt and some level of dishonesty in the process, instead of working at the complicated issues in a way we feel would be more suitable.

    Anyway, I feel reading these comments and stories, I am glad so far almost all of the developed countries have a strict official monogamous marriage law. To people leading normal lives, that law by itself would make people think as to why monogamy is so precious and natural to us as human beings. When we try to disrupt this natural balance as human beings, all the disturbing and fearful sides in us gush up from inside us.

    I wanted to mention how equal and just polygamy should be okay, but again many of our societies have not evolved beyond the “box-of-rules” mindset compared to more spiritual mindset, and patriarchy is still a strong hold in general. Manipulation by either gender is another factor.

    However, I am unsure regarding common law marriages or other commitment marriages having no official registry, since for certain people it would suit them with honest consultations from all partners, without having to undergo much unwanted bullying from other people.

  27. “He has sacrificed so much to be with me. He is free to go of course, but I could never betray him.” So you think Graham is free to go. He has a child with you and he loves you so i don’t think he is free to go. Also would you just let him leave if he can’t take sharing you with Mark anymore. Don’t you think about what Graham really wants which most probably might be to live monogamy with you and all your children and have Mark in your life only as a father of your children but not a husband. If he has sacrificed so much for you then do you ever consider that maybe you should too without him asking for it. I see Graham as a victim here. He came into your life when you were almost dying of the pain and you are giving him maybe not the same level of pain but the same kind. I get that acknowledging a problem is very helpful when there are no immediate solutions but its of no help when there is no hope of a solution even in future. Maybe all along he was and is secretly waiting for your to decide yourself one way or the another but he doesn’t want to ask for it because he wants it to be your decision. I think this man deserves much more than what he is getting. Just my thoughts based on whatever you have shared here about your life. Ofcourse its your life and you are free to live any way you want.

  28. I think most people here have more sympathy for Graham, than Mark, because from what we know Graham picked Fiona up and protected her when Mark was destroying her. I actually thought Tamsin coming along was a sign for Fiona that it was time to let Mark go. Strangely, I’ve always felt you and Graham would end up in monogamy eventually. I guess for now you have a peaceful status quo and another hurdle may arise if either Graham or Mark ever bring another person into the relationship. Whatever happens, your experience and your willingness to share it, despite all the old wounds and criticism it opens up, helps a huge amount of people. Even muslims, who don’t agree with your ideas, are still reassessing long held beliefs and questioning the way things are done.

  29. To be fair, Graham knew what he was getting into from the start. I don’t see how he’s a victim per se, he decided for himself as a grown man. That the situation from what we know is unequal – because Graham is exclusive while Fiona is not – might be an ethical problem. But we do not know Graham would like to be freer as well. I doubt Fiona would say he could not do something else with his three lonesome days, when she has always said infidelity – or sharing if you want to put it more positively – has to be mutual in a relationship.

    I think while it may be hard to understand for outsiders Graham might not have started out to want a 24/7 relationship. Maybe he’s very independent and enjoys time on his own, and was suffocated in previous relationships. We just don’t know, but we for sure can’t assume Graham as a grown man is a victim. He made a free choice, and I doubt he’d feel he could not address wishes for change if he wanted to.

  30. I have asked Graham many times, especially in the beginning when everything was chaos around Mark and his #2, why he chose me, and why he staid. He said it’s because he fell in love with me, and because he loves me. When Tamsin was born, we had a long talk and I told Graham again that I’m never going to leave Mark. Graham says this is why he loves me. He says he’s been left once (his wife had cancer and died) – he needs to know I’m the kind of person who will never leave him “until death do us part”. He loves me because of my constancy, not in spite of it.

  31. Sounds like you were just what he had been searching for – and that he’d rather have you half your time than not at all. And that’s a valid choice. Many people have to make a choice whether they want to be with their partner and accept something that is difficult to accept for themselves, or might be for others.

  32. Fiona, Thank you for your reply. No all people think alike so Graham might be content and happy with his life. My personal thinking again is that he loves you enough to not make any demands and be happy knowing that you are happy. That doesn’t mean he wouldn’t want or wouldn’t be happy knowing that you with your own will chose an exclusive relationship with him. I am happy that you are living a lifestyle that proves all the reasons given by Muslim to justify polygyny are lies. Maybe that is another reason Graham is happy with this arrangement and maybe he is equally passionate about the issue and this is his way of protesting against this unjust system. Is it?

  33. lifeisgood, read what you said about ummof4. “I imagine her being quite interfering and controlling at her local mosque.” i think thats very true. I think her husband knew how to feed her ego and make her feel she is in control and is the important/more pious one. The man married and divorced other women or at least one mainly because she was disrespectful to ummof4. I think he just wanted new women and killed two birds with one stone 🙂 This woman doesn’t like to do much housework based on what she shared so far which is unusual for a conservative Muslim woman of her age. It requires a lot of skill to not be a typical conservative Muslim woman and have so much say in important matters at the mosque. Maybe accepting polygyny was a way for her to get accepted and gain status in community which was otherwise difficult considering her non-conservative lifestyle. It is so typical of patriarchy that women gain status by conforming to male dominance rules and these women are the ones who oppress other women of lower status.

  34. ” It is so typical of patriarchy that women gain status by conforming to male dominance rules and these women are the ones who oppress other women of lower status”

    Yes Laila, That is one of the sickest aspects of it all!

  35. Dear Kira,

    how are you? How did the mediation attempt go? You were in my thoughts a lot yesterday.

  36. Hi.

    Obviously my twat husband married again. My problemis this. Ever since they married Iv had none stop yeast infections. They stopped for a while, husband was back to normal (sexually) so I figured they weren’t “doing it” for a while. They must be back at it as I have one (yeast infection) now. My question is this. Is it possible for the husband to give a wife a yeast infection if the other wife doesn’t have one, maybe through her fluid ph, it may be different to mine thus upsetting my natural flora. Is there Any medical proof, that a man who has sex with two women, days apart after washing can still pass on what ever bacteria she is giving me. I know women who have multiple partners are at risk but what about women who have sex with men who have multiple partners. What else could she be giving me aside from the usual sti/std.

    To be honest I cant believe this is even a problem in my life smh.

    Any advice or links would be great.

  37. I had never ending yeast infections while my husband was polygamous. My ob told me it is extremely common when a man is having sex with more than one woman, exactly because he is “upsetting their natural flora”.

    As for bacteria and viruses, many types survive for days, weeks and months outside the body even if you wash. So yes, you’ll be sure to be filled up with her viruses, bacteria – and acari which I find totally gross.

  38. Gross is not the fucking word.
    I feel absolutely germ ridden with her fucking nasty,vile secretions.
    I mentioned this to him and he says germs are everywhere bla bla bla. I said yes, but Her germs wouldn’t be in my vagina and in my bed if you wasn’t bringing them here. I going to have to get the risk in writing from my Dr and embarrass myself once again. Who the fuck has to go to a Dr because her shit head husband decideds he was to fuck someone else? Bullshit absolute Bullshit.

    If you know of any websites or articles that you can direct me to id love it.

    If I can prove its a genuine risk and not as my husband says “all in my head” or other reasons.

  39. I bit about some of the nice gifts you may be getting from #2: http://shepherdexpress.com/article-22576-sex-with-a-new-partner-causes-utis-and-yeast-infections%E2%80%94help_-sexpress-shepherd-express.html

    And: http://shepherdexpress.com/article-22576-sex-with-a-new-partner-causes-utis-and-yeast-infections%E2%80%94help_-sexpress-shepherd-express.html

    But the best thing is to talk to your ob, and make an appointment to bring your husband along.

    Are you muslim?

    If you tell us more of your story, we might be able to give you better advice!

  40. My story is the usual. Husband want to “help” another woman.cant find another way other than to have sex with her. Husband marries other woman. Husband and other woman cause a whole heap of bullshit in first womans life. first woman sets fire to their house…… OK not the last sentance, but it sounds fun lol
    Yes im Muslim. I know u are not. So im not here for advice about that. I already know most of what they did was wrong and sinful om their part (no adultery Islamically speaking) but a load of other stuff they will not get away with.

    No one talks about the ‘ passing on’ of germs. Which is why I came here.

  41. Well, as you know candida is a massive downside to polygamy. And one thing you MUST do is make sure the other woman is tested for HPV. Otherwise, she might be sending cancer your way…

    I have a kind of steam hoover that I use to clean upholstered furniture. When I bought it I had a man over from the manufacturers who did a test for house dust mite in my bed before and after steaming it. (I suppose you know already that your home is full of house dust mite, and especially your bed). When I was told about my husband’s other woman,one of the first things that grossed me out was the thought of having her house dust mite in my home. So I had the firm over to do another dust mite-test of my bed. And guess what – the count had TRIPLED!! They told me it’s because the house dust mite travel with my husband and the average life cycle for a male house dust mite is 10 to 19 days. A mated female house dust mite can last up to 70 days, laying 60 to 100 eggs in the last 5 weeks of her life. In a 10-week life span, a house dust mite will produce approximately 2,000 fecal particles and an even larger number of partially digested enzyme-covered dust particles.

    And ghusl doesn’t help at all, mite just love the water.

  42. She dont have hpv as far as I know. I suppose I need to get myself every test under the sun. And as I dont have sex with anyone else and haven’t done for 13 years whatever is wrong is down to them.

    Ghusl is to lift Ritual impurity not to rid you of any bacteria you get from anyone else. My husband just dont get it. I cant deal with other peoples bacteria in my personal spaces. Heartbreak and tears is one thing. But messing with my health is another. Looks like sex is another thing he will be loseing in this marriage.

    I know the infections are down to them. I just need to prove it.

  43. I think “as far as I know” isn’t good enough. If she hasn’t been tested, she might say “as far as I know” to your husband and all the while send you cancer. Many men say that ghusl should be enough for their wives to consider them clean and pure after having been with another wife. My point is, no it isn’t. As you say, it’s only ritual, it doesn’t do anything to stop the spread of bacteria, viruses and dust mites. And with the dust mites come allergies…

  44. ((((Sick of this shit)))) absolutely adore your username, but am very sorry you found the need for it.

    YES. Please get yourself tested for HPV. That was a gift to me delivered by my thoughtful husband (who is now just as much an ex as the co from whom it originated).

    I had no idea about the dust mites. I’m officially grossed out. My only consolation is that we were probably trading critters in kind so HER count would have doubled too. Nice.

    Yeah, if you haven’t had recurring yeasties before hubby got with #2, there’s the answer. Gah, how gross. Yeah I doubt I’d be too good to go knowing what you’re getting injected with each time. Gee, that’s a turn-on. NOT. *shudder*

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