Polygamy Weekend

imagesThe weather’s been unusually triste and I’ve been feeling restless.

As a result, I decided to clear the attic, get rid of some old junk and cobwebs. I’m with Graham until tomorrow evening, but he’s busy with clients and Tamsin was at the Aquarium with her sister so I just needed something to do.

It’s amazing the quantity of stuff we’ve been able to stack up in the attic. Toys, furniture, clothes, books. Mind you, the house was built in the 18’th century so we’re not the first people to use the attic for “oh, we’d better save that if it should come in handy sometime in the future”-things. Anyway, I rather like cleaning so I don’t really mind the clutter I just want it to be clean and tidy. I spent the entire day up in the attic, only came down for a quick drink and an apple with Mark around noon.

When I came home, there was Graham. He was extremely off, and gave me the silent treatment. Obviously, he had come home midday to have lunch with me but hadn’t found me. He had called, but without an answer (I didn’t bring the bloody phone, since I didn’t really think I had left the house) and then he had called out to Mark from the garden and Mark told him where I was. And now, Graham felt I had given his day to Mark. Behind his back. That I had spent the entire day alone in the attic, except for ten minutes when I had ice-tea and an apple with Mark, didn’t matter. I apologized profusely but it didn’t make things much better. And I told Graham I couldn’t make the day up, since I couldn’t punish Mark for my attic excursion.

In the end Graham said he knew he was being unreasonable. – It’s just that since I only have half a wife I need all my time with her. My time is all that is entirely mine. Please don’t give it away because then I have nothing left, he said.


20 thoughts on “Polygamy Weekend

  1. Life sure is difficult to manage with plural marriage. Yet I also see a joy present as well.

    //Please don’t give it away because then I have nothing left, he said.//

    That statement somehow reminds me of my dad, when he sees me distancing off with some things that he feels are more important for me than him (and I am already living abroad, and I happen to be his favorite daughter), which is when he suddenly builds resentment and anger, and later tells me to be close to him during the times when I actually happen to be free and can contact him without issues.

  2. assalamalaikum

    I understand these feeling soooo well. I feel polygamy took all control from me I don’t know anymore my husbands feelings and what he does with co and we cant talk any more and I am losing it. So I control what I can control which is mostly time so I am completely crazy about the schedule. If he is late 15 minutes I go apes**t. And I cant keep from screaming and crying and then he says should he go back to co and then i get even angrier and say if he does he need not come back… 😦 Last week he was meant to come to me in the afternoon but he called and said he must visit his sister who was sick and I said why did he not do that on co’s time why wait til my time and he must make up the time and he said no and again I said then he need not come home at all. 😦 I am afraid this deal with polygamy and schedule and everything will stop me from going to jannat 😦

  3. Struggling,
    I get your pain. But you are the one who is turning into a high school student. I don’t know how much economic freedom you have, since you don’t quite sound like a western revert to me. But regardless, you do not have to live like a 15 year old. He cannot take your maturity away from you.

  4. Hi Strugglingco,

    I really understand. I was the same way and it made me crazy, and my co was 10 times worse if that’s possible. It was a constant battle, between he and I, between the two of them, and between she and I.

    I have no words of advice, really, other than to get out of the misery completely and let the co have him fulltime (she may be thrilled at first, but she’ll regret it – and so will he, I’m sure). I’m now divorced and couldn’t be happier about it. I don’t know what he’s doing and I don’t care. It’s an amazing feeling.

  5. Oh Fiona, I feel really bad for Graham, and even Mark, when I read things like this. While I truly respect how you 3 manage your lives, it just further reinforces to me that polygamy really isn’t a natural, comfortable, secure state for anyone. In fairness to you though, you didn’t go looking for polygamy, in a way it just found you and you’re all making the best of the situation.

  6. My husband say the schedule is only between sunrise and sunset all else is his time. Some weeks ago he said he had errands and left in the morning was gone all day and when he came home said nothing of what he did but then a neighbour of my sister had seen him with co at the mall and they had eaten and seen a film together and had a nice day out and I exploded and he did not deny but say days are his to do what he pleases and I said why does it never please you to take me out on her day and he sulked for days and said is all my fault and I don’t own him and he is equal with all nights. And I can’t leave the house without him or somebody he says is ok like his brother because he says it will be bad to his name if I run around and I just sit here counting minutes and is my life really going to be like this now? No, I don’t have money so I can leave and thing is I still love him.

  7. Dear strugglingco,

    So now your husband is making up his own rules regarding polygamy. Where did he get the idea that he has to be equal with all nights only? Well, there are indeed Hadith where the Prophet sees all his wives at various times during the day. Although there still needs to be confirmation on whether this is allowed for normal Muslim men.

  8. Hello,

    I live just outside Morris Plain, NJ. My husband is in the National Guard and has served in the Gulf as well as in Afghanistan. We were lucky and he came home safe, but the things he tell me about the evil he’s seen make my skin crawl. Not least am I sickened by the stories about girls in Afghanistan being beaten, raped stoned do death, kept as slaves, it’s just downright evil. I am so proud of my husband and all other men and women who serve, to try and keep these poor people safe and give them a chance of a better life. My husband’s best friend lost his right leg, but his family couldn’t be more proud of him! Now, some friends of mine told me they had heard whispers. What they said chilled me to the bone! What I hear is a story about an officer who served a while in Afghanistan, and who ordered other men and women into harm’s way, some of them forced to make the final sacrifice, and this officer has taken an oath to serve and protect, but all the while he was secretly desecrating our flag by forcing his wife into dirty bigamy. The thought makes my stomach turn! These friends even had cache pages from an online diary where the poor wife describes how the pain almost kills her, how she begs for mercy and in detail day by day how he claims superiority and right to bigamy and torturing the woman while carrying on with some h*e in bigamy and that he felt no need to heed US and army law. At first I couldn’t believe it but the more I read the more I knew it was true. And also, some of my husband’s friends had followed this officer and found proof that he’s living with two women. So he’s practically spitting on the US flag and constitution, and sending other boys and women to their deaths while he himself is inforcing Afghan laws and rules on his own wife! And, some of the people in the NJ National Guard have written C Christie about it but apparently he’s done nothing. Probably afraid this might hurt him somehow now he’s a GOP candidate for president. But we’re thinking maybe it might hurt Christie more, if this story reached the news, and people found out that Governor Chris Christie knew about this but tried to cover it all up…! I just thought you might be interested since we all read your posts from a while back concerning this story… It all makes me ashamed that an American can bring such shame on himself and his uniform!

    You might find this article interesting if you don’t know what the National Guard is, and you like to know a bit about the NJ National Guard.


  9. I’m trying to figure out what there is to love about a man who won’ t let you live. Meaning you have to be locked in a cage (the house) like an animal when he’s not around. I know it’s common in Islam, but it never fails to sicken me to hear about it, and especially when the wife who is caged goes on to state that she loves the man that does that to her. I’d tell him to F*** off and I’d hightail it to the mall myself. NO MAN has the right to keep a woman at home when he chooses to go off with some other bimbo. Sorry, but there is so much wrong with that I can’t even begin.

  10. Dear Strugglingco,

    Does your husband work? He seems to have alot of free time for a man that supports two households.

    If you are staying with him I really recommend you start focusing on making yourself happy in other ways. Don’t let his love be your only source of fulfillment. Can you leave him with the kids and join a club or a class, maybe a language or cooking or art or music group or book club? Find something to spend time on. Once you start feeling good about yourself you will realise he is not the only thing that makes you happy.

    I’m really sorry to say this but a begging, pleading, complaining person can often drive the other person away. I know your husband is not being fair, but I think from what you have said the more you complain to him the less time he will want to spend with you.

    It’s not fair. He’s being a jerk. But you said you can’t leave and you still love him so my advice is coming from that angle.

    Good luck.

  11. Dear Strugglingco,

    The most evil part about your story is while your husband claims his freedom to spend his day as he pleases, he locks you up to be there for the time he chooses to return. That is what he does when he keeps you from “running aroung” (leaving the house as you please to pursue interests of your own).

    He is a slaveowner, and you are his slave. Objectively, from the outside, this is your relationship. Like others have said, it is difficult to understand what you love about such a man and relationship. I am aware that this practice is relatively common in traditional Muslim circles, and not specific to your husband. This does not make it any better, though. How can a man complain about your telling him what (not) to do, where (not) to go, by saying “you do not own me”, and then tell you not to leave the house safe for urgent errands and safe for occasions he explicitly gave his permission for? It means he is well aware he “owns” you, whilst resisting any reciprocity even of the smallest kind (you demanding a say over *some* of his activities).

    These men are just sickening. A disgrace for all men, and a cancer to women’s equality, dignity and freedom.

  12. @ Mariam Actually, many Muslim scholars represent this idea that fairness is needed for income/wealth (to spend exactly on one wife as on the other), and for the nights he spends. I am fairly certain this man does not make up his rules, but was counselled by an Imam, who must have told him he can spend his days with whomever he pleases…

  13. I think it stands for Grand Old Party (the self-denomination of the US Republicans).

  14. I think I am not the person I thought. I had all the roller coaster of polygamy and finally just tried to accept and some days are better. But I have become very petty ebout everything and time and money and what he does and i nag and nag and I never did before and I am thinking if I leave my marriage it might not be because it made me dislika co or husband but polygamy made me dislike myself!

  15. I understand what you are saying Struggling, and yes, I believe putting yourself on the right path starts at home. One does eventually though have to move beyond ‘like’ and ‘dislike’ otherwise you may end up right back where you started. The issue is one of right and wrong, and evaluating how you yourself are choosing to live.

    There is not much I can say beyond that to a Muslim practicing polygamy because of the water tight way such people call ‘right’ what I call wrong. However, even within the context of Islam, and your own difficult situation, there is still nothing preventing you from self-reflection.

  16. “The water tight way such people call “right” what I call wrong” Bang on!

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