Marriage – Polygamy and Defense of Marriage

Major_Alan_G._Roger_at_Same-Sex_Wedding_CeremonyThe institution of marriage is a universal phenomenon. It is a union, meant to afford spouses social recognition as a unit, security and stability. In most religions, marriage is also a spiritual undertaking, a holy contract.

I would define marriage thus:

* A union between consenting adults.

* A partnership where absolute equality is the natural and unshakable basis.

* A lifelong commitment.

* A mutual agreement of sexual, social and financial engagement and responsibility, between equal partners, built on the recognition of absolute equality and equal rights, responsibilities and opportunities of all people.

* A spiritual pledge and unity, a pledge to keep and respect each other that goes beyond flesh and society and truly transforms people from individuals to part of an entity.

* A promise, sacred if you will, to keep and care for each other with all your heart.

From my definition, you can deduce that I am all for gay marriage. There is nothing to say that a same sex couple should be in any aspect less capable of such commitment than a traditional couple.

What about polygamy then? Well, as I see it polygamy is fine. Polygamy between consenting adults who recognize that my spouse has exactly the same right to multiple spouses that I have. In some nations you can actually choose if you want to enter a monogamous or a polygamous marriage by the use of different forms. That sounds like a good idea, as long as the form clearly states that by choosing the polygamous option you also recognize your spouses absolute and equal right to marry multiple partners.

In islam, as well as in the fundamental “christian” sects that practise polygyny, however there is no equality. In these cults, what they call marriage is simply a contract where a man buys (by way of mahr and/or the burden of maintaining the family) the right to receive sexual services and obedience from women. A nikah is simply a legal ritual to allow for prostitution of the worst kind. Prostitution where the woman must consent to sex at any time and serve and obey her husband in anything while recognizing his right to beat her if she disobeys or says no to intimacy, and his right to keep her as a slave in the house with no right to ever leave the house without his permission and no right to keep any children she bears him.

In islamic “marriage” there are no equal rights, no mutual partnership, no equal responsibility, no spiritual pledge to keep each other and care for each other in equal measure. She must promise to care only for him, dedicate her soul only to him, while he can say that he will only dedicate himself to her every monday and three out of four tuesdays.

There simply is no such thing as marriage in Islam.

There is a contract, nikah, that gives men the right to have sex with women and keep them as servants in the home, beat them and have children from them, in return for money until the man, by uttering a few words, discards the women so he can exchange them for someone new and exciting. This is no marriage.

So this clamour now for civilized nations to recognize islamic polygamous “marriages” is absurd, as is comparison with same sex marriages.

Same sex marriages are equal, sacred unions and true marriages.

Islamic Nikah is nothing of the kind.


16 thoughts on “Marriage – Polygamy and Defense of Marriage

  1. Ramadan mubarak

    I just received a package from my late husband’s other woman. I was very astonished to get it. It contained a small letter from her saying that since I deny their marriage she thinks I should know what they were to each other. And in the package are a whole bunch of letters and I can see from the envelopes that they are sent between the two of them. My heart and head started to spin and I felt very sick. I had tried to leave it all behind. She is vicious! Now what should I do? I never could understand what my husband did and I don’t know what to think of their “marriage” Now from the letters I might get answers but I might also get pain that will never go away. I don’t know what to do? Sisters, should I read the letters? Should I take this last chance to understand my husband and our relationship and pay the price of pain, or should I avoid the pain and give up on knowledge? Please, advice me.

  2. Edith,

    Please don’t keep hurting yourself. You know they had a relationship, why should you agonize over the quality of that relationship? You know he lied to you, why should you let his words and actions keep hurting you even after he is gone? Do you really want to add more words from him causing you pain to the ones you’ve already heard?

    Let go. Live your life the way you want to, not the way this woman wants you to. She is no friend of yours, she doesn’t wish you well. Stay away from her, and anything of hers.

    I wish you a blessed last few days of ramadan

  3. Hmm but if you get married to your two husbands, then they get also married to other wives the wives in addition marry more husbands and so on… In the end wouldn’t everyone be married to everyone? What exactly would marriage mean then? I don’t even want to imagine the legal issues in case of divorce or something else šŸ˜‰

    @Edith: That is really very strange. What does she still want from you? Does she want to proof that he loved her and if yes is that really of any interest to you? I mean what is there still left to say or know that could be worse than what you’ve already been trough?
    But if you now start to torture yourself with imagining the most painful things that might be in this letters then maybe it’s better to read them. As the imagination might be much worse than the reality. But if it really helps you to understand your husband better I doubt it. Some actions are just beyond understanding.

    To be honest I wouldn’t want to give her another chance to hurt you I would send it back with a letter that tells her to not contact you again. Or simpy burn them šŸ˜‰

  4. I have made a will, leaving my husbands lifelong leases to the house and annex. (I own the house and the annex). I have also stipulated that Graham has the option to buy my half of our house in the Chilterns. The rest of my estate is to be divided equally between my children. Simple. And we have a pre-nup (I had Mark sign one after he “married” nr 2) saying what’s mine is mine and what’s theirs is theirs.

  5. Marriage is not just a set of personal relationships, it is a legal unit. In tandem with Alice, I simply don’t understand how a society in which polygamy is a unit of marriage can realistically function. Polygamous societies deal with the problem through repression. They allocate legal rights to one gender, and through edict and thought control, deny them to the other. And these polygamous societies have serious problems, based on the lack of boundaries that Alice highlighted.

    I think Fiona, in your case, you have 3 people who are highly motivated to make the situation work, and though it is the thing that has traumatized you (all 3) it is now the thing that is saving you. I was very VERY happy to read that you wrote a mid stream “pre”nup with Mark. Call it the PTSD-nup.

    “Should I take this last chance to understand my husband and our relationship.” Edith, I don’t believe that ‘understanding’ is there to be had, whether you read the letters or not, at least not in the cerebral way you are talking about it. The issue is healing, and moving on, and gaining the ability to act on your own agency, and not be in reaction to what others are doing. That will not happen until you make that decision. Have courage, we are there for you.

    PS: I’ve learned through my readings on cults, that “thought control” is the new politically correct term for ” brainwashing”, which is an old Cold War term. I do sort of prefer the colorful terms with history…

  6. You are right Dale, both about our situation and about legal problems in polygamous societies. And your right in your advice to Edith. There is no comfort to be had in those letters. If there were, the other woman would not have sent them.

  7. Edith,

    Burning the letters would be better I think, as Alice suggested. Regarding reading the letters, it sure was horrific of that woman to send them to you like this. And as Fiona said, if there were comfort to be had in those letters, the other woman would not have sent them to you. And I am sure she picked the letters that would cut into you more, instead of being lukewarm about the effect. So yeah. If you do go through them, you can skim through them, but not read them properly. I agree with Dale on healing and moving on being the best path for you.

    I can hardly imagine the horror and pain that comes with polygyny, to be frank. The max I had was felt was when I was still pretty new in my thought process and supporting Islam properly as word of God, but still curious and investigating, and at that time (a year and a half back) I had posted on Ana’s blog regarding the ill effects of polygyny, and thought the women would be understanding, since they were otherwise nice with me. The few attacks I had got, both direct and sugarcoated, and support for polygyny, left me nearly faint, and the headspin for the next few days was so strong and horrific feeling, which I had never quite felt before, and I am not even married (!). Inside somehow I was crying for other posters there to support me, and I felt somewhat relieved when a couple did, although in quite a soft way. So yeah.

    What I still have trouble understanding is why women stay and agree to be treated like lab rats in this gruesome process, and not re-think their entire situation. But I do agree having supporters during this time is crucial, and honest ones who really want good for you, and can help you when required. Otherwise I am sure it is an overwhelming experience. So to the women going through polygyny, please do not hesitate to seek abundant help for yourself.

  8. I hope you’re not offended Mariam when I say that the man who finds you and manages to win your love will have found a unique and priceless gem šŸ™‚

  9. Thank you so much Fiona, I sincerely hope what you say comes true šŸ™‚ And compliments coming from you means a lot to me.

  10. Edith……i agree with burning the letters because why should you relive the past & put another dagger in your heart……He is gone & the other “wife” has nothing but hatred for you because she knows that he loved you also……so in her mind she needs to prove to you that he loved her more……i hate polygamy. Ok…..this next thing i want to say is off topic but needs to be said about the website polygamy411…….my anti virus popped up when i scanned my pc & warned me not to go there (polygamy411)…….said it was a threat to my computer……yes polygamy411 is reopened & the new site has either a virus or something …….thought i would warn all of you.Personally i think that “Anna” the owner of the site has a “mental virus” (brainwashing)

  11. I don’t understand are you now saying muslims are not married at all? This is a joke! In Islam marriage is the foundation of society and for us also half our deen! It is the most serious decision in a persons’s life, how can you say it is no marriage? You call your lover a husband, but is he not only your whore-client? What you say is just as insulting.

  12. Amima, check Fiona’s definition of marriage. That is where she is coming from when she says Islam doesn’t abide by the proper definition of marriage, hence it is a no marriage in those terms. It’s up to you on how you see it though, nobody is forcing that definition on you.

    I myself feel like Islam didn’t abide by a proper definition of marriage that sees human beings as they are, and hence needs to evolve in those terms lest it wants to stay archaic.

  13. To the comment on equal polygamy leading to endless chain of marriages and legal complexities: yes and thats why it is not legal but polygyny isn’t any less complex. Some polygamist sects has no limit on number of wives which leads to unlimited number of partners in marriage and all these women are not married to each other. Even a Muslim marriage with limited number of wives is complex. When new wife enters the whole marriage gets altered including finances and wills etc. Add to it the complexity because of some women working and some not. Also just because something is easier to handle legally doesn’t mean we should make it legal. If it goes against the basic equal rights of all it cannot be legal.
    Now equal polygamy unlike polygyny has something inherent in it that encourages monogamy. Just think about all the examples we have here on the blog including Fiona’s as well as all those women at Ana’s blog. If these men knew their wife have equal right to marry another man would they risk instigating that by making their monogamous marriage into polygamous.

  14. @Amima Actually, Fiona’s husband – or lover as you say – does not pay for her lovelihood at all. She inherited her house and bought an appartment, so it’s her who covers the main family expenses. Just saying, the major assumption of the man spending on Fiona is quite flawed.

    I agree with Fiona that in Islam, marriage is less of a spiritual union than in other world religions. The extreme focus on the husband’s right to sex and the wife’s obligation to “function” in that respect – in explicit exchange for the husband’s financial providing for her – makes it seem a lot more like a prostitution contract than a romantic or spiritual connection.

  15. I continue to be surprised at the people that come here saying you are wrong Fiona, but failing to offer any plausible evidence to support their position (apart from the usual rhetoric).

    Edith, I wouldn’t destroy the letters, I’d send them back to her. Destroying them tells her you are still jealous, sending them back shows you are not interested in playing games. Disinterest can be quite powerful.

  16. Good advice, lifeisgood! Visibly unopened would be good. She will more likely leave you, Edith, alone if you show no interest in knowing these stories. It shows her evil character, though, to violate her lover’s trust after his death by sending private letters to his wife. He’s likely NOT want her to show them to you.

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