Polygamy – What Hurts the Most?

wives7I often get e-mail and comments asking about the unbelievable pain of polygamy. The most common questions are how to cope/survive and what hurts the must.

How to survive has been the theme of many posts, but I don’t think I’ve ever tried to answer the question: What hurts the most? So here goes:

* The very worst part of polygamy is watching your children suffer, without being able to help. My children were adults when their father chose polygamy, but still they were totally devastated by his betrayal, his arrogance, selfishness and perverted morals. They are still hurting. My son says that the worst pain was realizing that he hated his father. The dad he once loved had become a stranger he hated.

* The “love for your sister what you love for yourself” sanctimonious, warped, religious toxic goo – BS. Listening to the hypocrisies of polygyny from a religious point of view from a husband who expects you to accept that there would be a god who claims that men have a right to maledom polygyny, a right that isn’t even restricted by a duty to get permission from or even inform his wife, is enough to make you vomit your soul out over and over and over.

* The lies, the everlasting betrayal

* To realize that your husband sees you as something less, something different, something that lacks the rights he has.

* The images of their lovemaking, the bacteria and acari from their lovemaking, that he brings into your bed and into your soul.

* Having it dawn on you that the man you loved was never the man you loved – the marriage you had was never the marriage you had.

 

Why Women Should Never Accept Polygyny

495px-The_DrunkThere are several reasons why women should never ever accept polygyny. Most of them are pretty obvious, but I’ll state them here anyway since there are criminal, immoral people out there who still claim that women should submit to polygyny.

1. Polygyny brutalizes men and makes them indifferent, arrogant and numb regarding the emotions of women in general and their wives first and foremost. Polygyny gives men the false impression that they have rights their wives don’t have, that their rights are one degree over the rights of women, to their mental and emotional detriment.

2. Polygyny deprives women of a partner in life, and instead offers them a houseguest with sexual privileges 25% of the time.

3. Polygyny makes a mockery of the prophet since it is clearly stated in the quran that it was only allowed under very special circumstances during a certain period of time. While muslim men have used both the quran and their intelligence to oppose slavery, they have used their intelligence and their libido to keep polygyny, although both are treated with equal restrictions in the quran. The prophet also forbade his son-in-law to force Fatima into polygyny.

4. Polygyny is the source of massive spread of STD:s around the world. Everything from papilloma to HIV to gonorrhea and yeast infections come as gifts from one co-wife to the others.

5. Polygyny forces families to live in financial misery with men being unable to provide for their families, thus forcing women to be the breadwinners so the husband can spend his time fucking other women instead of protecting, and providing for, his family.

6. Polygyny turns people into liars. Women lie to survive, tell themselves that polygyny is a test, that it is sunnah, that it makes them grow in their deen, that they are the favourite, that it gives them the same experience of love, partnership and protection that monogamy offers just not all the time (which is a heinous lie!!!!!), men lie to keep their wives from falling to pieces, they lie about their other lives with their other families, they lie about religion. Polygyny turns all people involved into liars.

7. Polygyny is false, a criminal false interpretation of religion that turns men into animals, women into ghosts and children into semi-orphans.

Please, feel free to add more reasons should you wish!

Why The Quran Prefers Polyandry to Polygyny

polygamy-femaleAssalamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barkatuh The Wisdoms of Islamic Polyandry as opposed to polygyny. The Holy Quran limits polygyny so that men are only allowed to marry plural wives if they are guardians of orphans, fearing being unable to protect them and also without any fear whatsoever of ever treating their wives unjustly. Polyandry on the other hand is allowed without limits according to An Nisa, as long as the wife allows herself to be one that her husband “right hands possess”.

First, we address the wisdom in allowing polyandry:

“…so, this is from the completeness of His blessing and Shari’ah, and is in accordance with His wisdom, mercy, and benefit for His servants. This is because one of the purposes of marriage is sexual intercourse and the fulfillment of one’s desire, and from the people are those who are overtaken by their desire, and are not satisfied with one. So, He allowed her a second, third, and fourth or a fifth one (since only the number of wives is restricted, not the number of husbands).

He then goes on to explain the wisdom in allowing unrestricted multiple spouses for the woman, in exclusion to the man:

“…this is from the completeness of the Wisdom of the Exalted Lord, and His goodness and mercy towards His servants, and His taking their interests into account, and He is Exalted above doing anything other than this, and His Shari’ah is far from coming with other than this. If it was allowed for the man to have more wives, the world would be ruined, and progeny would be lost, and the wives would end up killing each other, and a crisis would ensue, and the fitnah would become severe, and war would erupt. And how can the affair of the man remain firm when he has bickering partners? And how can the affair of these partners themselves remain firm? So, the coming of the Shari’ah with what it came with of opposition to this is from the greatest of proofs of the wisdom, mercy, and consideration of the Legisator.

So, if it is said: how can the interests of the woman be taken into account, with her being able to marry whom she wants, fulfill her desire, and move from one man to the next in accordance with her desires and needs – all while the needs of the man are just like her needs, and the desires of the man are just like her desires?

We answer: since it is the nature of the man to be concealed behind the walls and hidden in the depths of his home since we all know that man is lazy and arrogant, and his moods are cooler than that of the woman, and his outer and inner movements are less than her movements, and the woman has been given strength and intensity for intercourse that leads her desire more so than with the man, and she has been tested with what he has not been tested with, she is granted the choice of having multiple spouses that is not available to the man. This is from what Allah has set aside exclusively for the female, and has preferred for them over men, just as He has preferred for them compassion, being able to give birth to new life, emotional intelligence, endurance, etc. over men. Also, He has made women to be guardians over men, traversing about for the purpose of looking after their best interests, constantly on the lookout for means of sustaining them, encountering dangers, and exposing themselves to all types of hardships in the path of doing what is best for their husbands since women are more intelligent and less bent to stupidity and violence than men. So, the Exalted Lord is Thankful and Forbearing, and He thanks them for this, and has compensated them by instilling for them what He did not instill for their husbands.

And if you compare the fatigue, hardship, and efforts of the woman in fulfilling the interests of the men with what the men have to endure of jealousy, you would find that the woman’s share of having to endure this fatigue, hardship, and effort is much greater than what the men have to endure of jealousy…”

He continues:

“As for the one who says that the desire of the man is even more than that of the woman, this is not the case. The driving force behind the desire is fervor (lit. heat). So, where is the fervor of the man in comparison to the fervor of the female? The man – because of his free time, slowness, and absence of what will keep him busy from the fulfillment of his desire – might be overtaken by his desire, and will not find that which would oppose it. Rather, it finds a heart and soul free from distraction. So, it is able to instill itself within him to the utmost, resulting in one assuming that his desire is multiple times that of the woman, and this is not the case.

And from that which proves this is that if a woman has intercourse with her husband, she can have intercourse with other men in the same time frame, and it is known that with each man, she displays desire and fervor that drives her to have intercourse. The man, on the other hand, if the woman fulfills her desire with him, he becomes exhausted, and does not seek to fulfill his desire with any additional woman within that time frame.

So, the wisdom of of the Decree, Legislation, Creation, and Command is implemented, and praise is for Allah.”

[‘I’lam al-Muwaqqi’in’; 2/64-66]

Polygamy is Good for Me, Bad for You

1013483_354648064665525_279483948_nWe attended a social function yesterday, together with some friends of Mark’s. A business acquaintance of his was there, and he introduced us to his wife – his second wife. Apparently this man has a wife in Oman, but has also married here in the UK. He lives and works here but travels to Oman quite often since his firm’s HQ is there. Anyway.

The second wife was pregnant with their third child. Somebody asked if they had been able to register their marriage. The husband laughed and answered that since the UK is such a backward nation we don’t recognize second wives, but he was ok with that since it means that his wife receives maintenance benefits, being a “single parent”.

I couldn’t help myself but commented that even though the law doesn’t recognize my second husband as my legal spouse, he for one has enough sense of honour never to deceive society to claim benefits wrongfully. The Omani husband looked like he was going to have a heart attack. Afterwards, Mark was furious. He felt humiliated, and says that people (read: his muslim friends) despise him for accepting polyandry. He says it hurts his career.

Fine. I felt like telling him it hurt me when he chose to make our marriage polygamous, but I didn’t. Don’t want to go there again.

I will however never understand the morals of some people. To have the nerve to find me immoral for taking the half of my life that my husband gave up, to give it to somebody who loves me, while claiming benefits to support a secret second family – disgusting.

Je ne accuse pas

Javad_alizadeh_-penetrating-penThe world is getting smaller.

We all build shelters to protect us from the wind, from the dark, from each other.

Old walls have been torn down, new ones are erected.

Ideas don’t kill, people do.

It’s not a matter of perspective.

It’s not a matter of guilt.

It’s not a matter of rights, justice or obligations.

Ideas don’t kill, people do.