Polygamy – Is It About Sex?

1013483_354648064665525_279483948_nWomen whose husbands have become polygamous often admit that it’s partly about sex. That men enjoy sexual variety, or that men have higher sexdrive, and hence need more women. Most of the time though, they make it clear that sex only was a sideeffect – their husbands of course had more important things on their minds when they chose to marry more women. They wanted to care for her children, they wanted to complete their deen, live sunnah, or they wanted to do charity by marrying some poor woman. Only bad muslims apparently marry for sex, or lust.

These same women however seem convinced that the reason I married a second husband was all sex. I’m a sexaddict or a sexobject or a sexmaniac. And I wanted to hurt the men I’m married to. Their husbands wanted to be charitable and caring, I wanted sex.

No fool is sadder than he who believes he can fool himself.

So, is it about sex?

Well, I enjoy sex. I enjoy intimacy and the special bond of a physical relationship. And yes, I enjoy variety. I feel good about being able to be woman enough for two men ๐Ÿ™‚

And I didn’t marry a second husband to be charitable. My husband is way to proud to marry a woman who regards him as an object of charity. It’s sad that women believe it’s ok to have their husbands marry women out of charity.

I simply love two men.ย 

And:

Why would my objectives and motives be different from those of polygamous men?

48 thoughts on “Polygamy – Is It About Sex?

  1. how do you know that both your husbands are’nt finding extra wives also ? They too can have the same reasons as your self.Plus the ones who are the extras can also do the same plus their extrs’ can also do the same plus their extra’s can also do the same until the whole world is one big incest family. Polygamy is disgusting & should be banned everywhere.

  2. You sure have a point. I would never have opted for polygamy, had not polygamy been dropped in my lap so to speak.
    I have always told Graham that I would completely understand if he chose to have another woman, or leave me for another woman. He has said he doesn’t want that. But he knows he could tell me if it happened. He lives across the yard, and I can see him every day. I know he has no other woman. The same goes for Mark. He knows now that we can survive anything, except more lies.

  3. And yes it is all about sex……..if there is no sex then there is no marriage. Marriage is sealed through the sex act. The 2 become 1 flesh.No wonder your children hate their father…..he broke-up your marriage & got you started on an equal rights i’m going to do the same thing that you did to me thing & share my body with 2 men just like your husband shares his body with 2 women. You are both wrong
    Now tell me….just what does that teach your children? It’s “ok” to have as many sex partners as you want…..just as long as you tell each one of them that they can do the same.That kind of life style ended up wiping the whole earth out.

  4. Sexual liberty will not wipe out our earth. What has the potential to wipe out the earth – except a fairy tale divinity punishing mankind – is fanatical fight and zeal, nationalist or religious, an “us or them” to the final victory or death, combined with modern weaponry. Sexual libertarians of the type “everybody with everybody” have never in history demonstrated disastrous zeal. Ideologies that want to dominate the world (or destroy it trying) rely on hierarchy, in communities or peoples, and also in sexuality. They need division, thrive on it, use it and fight upon it against the “other”.

    We can observe that in our closest relatives. Primates that have sex with anybody anytime anyplace tend to be peaceful (bonobos). Primates that have hierarchies in their communites – only dominant males can mate, have a harem – are also belligerent (chimpanzees). And even know assault and murder.

  5. The value of this blog is it confronts many stereotypes about supposed male/female differences. People may not agree but at least it makes people think about their beliefs.

    It’s incredible how people attack you for being polygamous while defending their husbands choice to do the same. Self-preservation I guess.

    It’s even more incredible people imply your polygamy will badly affect your daughter, while teaching their own daughters men are superior to them. Its equally destructive teaching sons they are superior to all women.

  6. I think it’s fair to say that not everyone could pull off the polyandry bit. Not because women aren’t able to be on a level of thinking and maturity that Fiona is on, but most men could be nowhere near the level of maturity that Graham or Mark have. And truthfully, we kind of have to include Mark’s other wife in this too….because many women would’ve said “I’m tired of the BS, let me go”. And she hasn’t. Everyone in this square has a level of courage most people don’t have. I probably don’t even have it.

  7. @lifeisgood, Well said “Itโ€™s even more incredible people imply your polygamy will badly affect your daughter, while teaching their own daughters men are superior to them. Its equally destructive teaching sons they are superior to all women.”

  8. Jamylah,
    Are you aware that Mark’s #2, aka “Bimbo” never leaves the house unless she is given permission.? (Am I not right about that Fiona?) Someone who lives in that world does not easily reach for the โ€œIโ€™m tired of the BS, let me goโ€ concept.

  9. I’ve never thought of it that way but you’re right Jamylah. It does say alot about the people involved. I’m pretty sure I’m not cut out for the lifestyle, I get frustrated enough with one husband let alone two ๐Ÿ™‚ ๐Ÿ™‚ ๐Ÿ™‚ Maybe I should have more sympathy for polygamous men???? ๐Ÿ™‚

    Fiona, maybe that’s a discussion to be had. Are there personality traits that enable some to endure polygamy easier than others? Does personality play a role in polygamy?

    Personally I think I’m too jealous, too impatient and too much of a control freak.

  10. I had a dream about M’s #2 last night. GAH….I wonder if this will ever go away.

  11. You know, I think in a way it does, and in a way it doesn’t. We get over it, once trust is reestablished. For me, the important thing was that he asked for forgiveness. He said he had been wrong, he agreed that we are equals and he asked me to forgive him. Eventually I could. But, even if the wound heals, it leaves a scar. But, the skin is thicker from the scar! ๐Ÿ™‚ You’ll be fine unchained, I know it! โค

  12. Absolutely, great idea! We’re all suffering from colds at the moment, so I’m bloody short of time and solitude! ๐Ÿ™‚ Hopefully things will get better soon, and I’ll be able to write a post on it!

  13. As far as I know, Bimbo never leaves the house, except in the company of one of the ladies, or an elderly uncle who helps out from time to time.

  14. Dale,

    Yes I had heard that about Mark’s other (I don’t like to call people names it’s just me, never been one to do that under any circumstances), but I also believed she did so out of a respect or willingly. The reason I say that is twofold: 1. Mark didn’t strike me as the type of dude to be all hardcore on her about that. 2. Being ‘submissive’ never stopped her from going outside the boundaries at other times- for example, times she came at Fiona in rude and hurtful ways directly through email etc. I believe if she wanted to be tired of the BS and leave (or go out without permission), she would. If she lives in Oman (I have an Egyptian friend who lives and works in Oman), no one would look at her too crazy for doing so. They are a bit more liberal there (in the scheme of things) than some other Islamic countries.

  15. Why must a woman be branded as a bimbo because she asks for permission? Can we judge a persons character just on one behavioral trait? What is she willingly accepts that she herself wants to ask for permission? Arent we being a bit too judgemental here?

  16. Bimbo in this context is a game with the name Mark has given her “Bambi”. It’s not really a discription of her character, more a fitting summery of her actions towards me and my family.

  17. “Why must a woman be branded as a bimbo because she asks for permission?”
    HAPPY, in asking this question, you have skipped past the first part of this story.

    “Arent we being a bit too judgemental here?”
    Well yes. But correctly so, and not “too”. A grown woman who decides to ask permission before she leaves the house has also decided to remain psychologically a child for the rest of her life. She should henceforth stop complaining about her life being insufficient. That’s reality for children, and for good reason.

  18. I see qwite often it say between women and men is not equality but equity. Could sombody try and explain this please becuse I think diffrence is difficult. Thank you.

  19. Maybe tests are sent for our own benefit. I can see where you’re coming from another411 (Wouldn’t it be nicer if we could call you Marie?). I’m trying to do my best with the hand I was dealt. And yes, my husband chose polygamy. I must admit, I still feel like I’m trying to accept the fact that he has a mistress. I know she is his wife. But it doesn’t feel like it. I don’t want to do what Fiona did. Not because I necessarily believe it’s wrong it’s just wrong for me. To me, marriage is very much a sacred thing, and in my soul I’m crying out for monogamy. I’m fighting every day to keep my faith and to keep from bitterness. I want to be all that I can be. But this far, polygamy has done nothing to help. I’m impressed by your strength, another411. I’m impressed by your refusal to be embittered and diminished by polygamy. Does your husband understand the greatness it takes to deal with this the way you do? Does he appreciate it? Is he grateful? Bless.

  20. Islam is a way of life. Asking for permission does not mean that a woman treats herself like a baby. But rather, it is a sign of respect for one another. I ask for permission too, and I dont do it out of fear, or submission. I do it out of love and also to follow an Islamic lifestyle. Till today my husband texts me to to tell me of his whereabouts too. So no, the whole misconception that women are stupid for asking for permission is not accepted by me. It is just a basic system in Islam that protects the wife from fitnah.

  21. That’s inequality in a nutshell.

    Your husband texts telling you where he is.

    You have to ask him to go places.

    Mutual respect would be you texting him where you are, or him also asking you permission.

    Are you more at risk of falling into fitnah than your husband?

  22. Hi JennOJenn,

    I think in Another’s situation her husband makes it clear she is the favoured wife, so I think that must help in polygamy to some extent.

  23. It is the husband’s duty to protect his wife because he is stronger and more knowledgble about the world. This is why the wife should stay in the home where she is queen and ask for permission if she goes out so husband can protect her.

  24. I (woman) make more money than my man, and know more of the world because I’ve travelled more and am out more and ….well, am smarter. So, I’m gonna tell him tonight that from now on, he needs to ask me my permission to leave the house, because he needs my protection in the outside world. You’re absolutely right, he does need protection, that’s my duty as a loving wife, to take care of him and keep him in the house for his own good.

    Thanks for gifting me this wonderfull insight!

  25. Ironically Emir, the only times I’ve ever felt I needed my husband’s protection has been in muslim countries.

    I do cover and I prefer to out with my husband when we are in muslim countries because I don’t feel safe going out alone.

    In non-muslim countries I feel quite safe going out alone.

  26. Unfortunately Emir it is your religious or cultural traditions that has made it unsafe for women to go out alone.

    Because you are raised to believe pure women stay at home (or are chaperoned by a male relative), you assume a woman by herself is impure and not worthy of respect.

    Sadly it is men with your beliefs that keep women needing protection from men like you.

  27. ๐Ÿ™‚ Welcome Marjorane! You’re right. I’d better have the same discussion with Mark.

  28. HAPPY:
    ” It is just a basic system in Islam that protects the wife from fitnah.”

    HAPPY, do I understand correctly that you are British and a revert? If so, you converted from what?

  29. Huh. Seems to me these men end up in more trouble (or “fitnah” if you will) than women do when they venture out without “protection”.

  30. Why is a husbands protection seen as bad by you? Why can he not provide house and home and protection? Is that really inherently bad? I don’t understand why it should be frowned on to want to provide and protect. I dont mean to offend. But to me, a man wants to do what he can for his family.

  31. When the tradeoff is as high as it is, it should be seen as bad by anyone with a modicum of common sense, self-worth, and respect for equal human rights.

  32. And Emir, please don’t treat us like we’re completely ignorant. This isn’t about providing a home and protection. Those are a whitewash, and you know it. Many of us came to learn that the hard way and are all too aware of what that “providing” and “protection” really is. It’s a sweet veneer covering self-serving, narcissistic, misogynistic, centuries-old oppressive ideals practiced by men for far too long against half of the world’s population.

    None of the perpetrators of this practice (including my own ex) will answer to my satisfaction the one question I’ve asked repeatedly….and that is, in polygyny, how the hell is a woman “protected” when her husband isn’t even around up to 75% of the marriage? He’s busy shagging one, two, three other wives and she’s left alone to fend for herself, with up to 75% of the “provisions” distributed to the other wives as well? I’m sure you understand why it doesn’t add up for me.

    Anyway. A powerful, independent woman who doesn’t need a man’s help to take her rightful place in the world scares the bejesus out of you. I get that.

  33. I’m a historian, I grant, and math is not my strong side, but I have never been able to make those numbers add up either… Or how it would benefit my chastity to spend 75% of my life alone, picturing my husband bonking three other women.

  34. Yes, the most inconsistent about Islam. Children need to obey the parents. Women need a man as head of the household for guidance. They have a right to live separately from co-wives. Sooo… the majority of the time a woman will (have to) lead the household. The anarchy! The chaos! The… normality. Why do they need a man as head of the household again?

  35. “And Emir, please donโ€™t treat us like weโ€™re completely ignorant.” Yeah, and I really appreciate that statement from Unchained.

    It’s obvious from reading your posts Emir, that you are quite impressed with your own great goodness, charmed by the utter simplicity of women, and can’t figure out why the women here aren’t bowled over by your chivalry.

    So there is no point in trying to answer your questions, because they are not questions, they are ideological points. Any attempt to respond will just get more of the same.

  36. Of course it’s about sex. I believe the main objects are sex, machoism and power. By adding another wife, a man can dominate the woman, punish them, have them compete over him and can make them make sure they never demand anything of him that he doesn’t like, like helping around the house.

  37. I am glad at times due to the honesty of the people in this blog in expressing their opinions, whatever they stand for. Sometimes I feel someone needs to take the same route for free-hand religious polygyny as the British did when the abolitionism movement regarding slavery was carried out for the UK and the rest of the British Empire lol. The strongest reasons passed that time to eradicate slavery seemed to be that was owning slaves is morally wrong and has a horrible impact on the slaves themselves. Other secondary reasons stated included that it was no longer as important to sustain the countries’ economy as it might have been previously in the society. The same type of reasons are valid for eradicating free-hand polygyny right for men, mainly that it is morally wrong and has a horrible impact for the women and the families involved.

    But then many women seem to be as staunchly in favor of free-hand polygyny right for men as the men who support the idea too. The women have their own reasons for supporting the idea. Many other women have not experienced such a polygyny setup themselves or don’t want it for themselves, yet they may support it. It makes it all the more complicated. Thankfully most people in the today’s world, due to their common sense, sense of justice, culture’s setup and the taboo involved, do not venture into polygyny nor seem to be interested in it for themselves.

    Dale, Fiona and Lifeisgood, thank you for your appreciation regarding my earlier comment.

  38. // Other secondary reasons stated included that it was no longer as important to sustain the countriesโ€™ economy as it might have been previously in the society.//

    Meaning slavery itself no longer being as important to sustain and build the countries’ economy as it was in the previous years or so.

  39. Dear Fiona,

    I would be very interested in knowing what happened in the entire year, if I understood correctly, where you were back with Mark, but also with Graham without Mark knowing about it. You described how Mark was happy about this being a wonderful year and your marriage being better than ever. Do you feel like sharing your thoughts about this year? How your relationship with Graham evolved? How you started feeling better about Mark again? What happened with #2 in that time? This time is very blank so far. Maybe purposefully so.. If not, I would be interested

  40. “Now tell meโ€ฆ.just what does that teach your children? Itโ€™s โ€œokโ€ to have as many sex partners as you wantโ€ฆ..just as long as you tell each one of them that they can do the same”

    opulasereth, that comment is disgusting.

    Fiona’s relationships with her husbands are genuine, and loving. You must be blind if you can’t see that. Her children should be proud of their mother for being so strong, kind, and loving, and making the best of a tough situation.

    So thankful that she shares her life with all of us….

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