7 Things Your Muslim Wife Won’t Tell You

polygamy-femaleI received this post from one of the contributors here who is muslim. I promised to post it, and I’m happy to do so. I’m told it’s the answer to a similar post addressed to women from a muslim relathionship site 🙂
Ever wish you could read your wife’s mind? Western culture encourages husbands and wives to talk to each other and discuss things.

However, in many Muslim cultures, men are raised to be stoic and tight-lipped. Muslim husbands are very often (not always) reluctant to talk about certain things with their wives. This way of course, they also lose out on understanding their wives

The only thing more difficult to a muslim man than translating thoughts to words and translating feelings to words, is understanding women when they do.
So, a lot of Muslim men and women go through their marriages with very little communication and never really knowing what the other person is thinking.

This quick list is for the Muslim husbands in my audience. This list will give you good idea of some of the things your wife thinks about, and is trying to communicate to you had you only been intelligent, caring and sensitive enough to listen.

1. Above All, She Desires Your Respect

Love or respect, which do you prefer?

Many muslim texts claim that women want to know their husbands love them, and men want to know their wives respect them. This of course is utter bs. Both women and men want to be loved. Loved and appreciated. Both women and men want to be respected. Both love and respect are two way streets. You can’t claim respect from somebody without showing respect. So if you want respect from your wife – show her the amount of respect you’re after for yourself!

It’s important that Muslim men understand the value of respect for women, especially Muslim women. In Islam, men are taught from a young age that they are supposed to be the bread-winners and caretakers of their families. They believe they’re all that and that women must obey them and are one degree beneath them. Being discriminated against like this makes muslim women extra sensitive to lack of respect. So if you want a woman to love you – show her the utmost respect!

You can imagine how frustrating it would be for a woman, who tries her best to care for her family, to be married to a man who doesn’t respect her. She may declare that she loves him, but without his respect, she will quickly fall out of love with him.

This idea is put forward in the Quran where Allah says:
Men are obliged to provide and care for women by the strength Allah has given one more than the other and they must spend from their wealth. So righteous women are devoutly obedient to Allah.
Chapter 4, Verse 34

This means men are physically stronger and must work to support their wives and care for them which means love and respect them. If they don’t, women will lose respect for them which will hurt their obedience to Allah who says we must be garments to each other.

2. She Desires Your Loyalty

This goes hand in hand with respect.There’s nothing that will ruin a marriage quicker than the idea that your spouse is not loyal. The idea, that he or she is not going to stick by you. I’m not talking about infidelity. This is what usually comes to mind when people talk about loyalty in a marriage.What I’m talking about is knowing that the person whom you’ve chosen to spend the rest of your life with is going to be there for you when you really need them.

A muslim website wrote:

Most men won’t admit it, but we do need women. And we do need your support.And it’s very troubling to be married to a woman who may not be around when the going gets tough.If you are constantly threatening divorce or separation or Khula (Islamic divorce initiated by the wife), you can expect your marriage to fizzle out very quickly.

Your husband needs to know that you’re going to be by his side if:

  • He loses his job and the money gets tight.

  • He tries to do something (like start a business or go back to school) but fails at it.

  • His reputation is tarnished or his honor is attacked.

The same goes for women. We need to know that our husband will be by our side, when the going gets tough. He can’t be if he e’g’ is polygynous. So don’t ever contemplate polygyny if you want your wife’s love or respect. Don’t threaten divorce in vain, unless you want your wife to leave you. Your wife needs to know that you’ll be there if she or the kids get the flu, are sad or want to have fun with you. She need to know she and the children are your number one priority, always.

You should be loyal to your wife before everything else except Allah and His Messenger (pbuh).

If you’re loyal to your wife, then rest assured she’ll be loyal to you.

3. She Wants To Have Sex More Often

Let’s get this right out into the open.Some men are taught that women have less craving for sex, but this is a lie. Women desire sex. Women really desire sex.

So when you give her the following excuses:

  • “I’ve got a headache.”
  • “I’m too tired”
  • “Can’t it wait till the weekend? I’m really not in the mood.”

Know that your wife is going to go to sleep a little upset with you, even if she doesn’t show it.And do this often enough, she’s going to start resenting you. And that resentment will build up and may lead to her being unnecessarily mean to you or losing some love.

Women are often taught to be a bit careful about how to ask for sex. In some cultures, wives are taught never to initiate sex. This means you’d be better off asking her often “Do you want me now”? You might find that the answer is yes, a lot more often than you think. In fact, every night when you go to sleep without having asked your wife if she wants you, she might be lying sleepless and unsatisfied and angry with you.

Please keep the following hadith in mind:
When a man calls his wife to his bed, and she does not respond and he (the husband) spends the night angry with her, the angels curse her until morning.
Bukhari and Muslim. And please put it in conjuncture with the hadith : You must want for your sister what you want for yourself. As you can see, your obligation to satisfy your wife is unrestricted. She might have excuses like menses – you surely don’t!

Something to think about.

4. She Thinks About Other Men

Okay, first of all, calm down.  Let me explain this.
All women think about other men.

  • It doesn’t mean she’s going to cheat on you.
  • It doesn’t mean she’s thinking about taking a second husband.
  • It doesn’t mean she’s fantasizing about another man, although it’s likely.

It just means that all (straight) women do, at some point in their lives, consider having another man (i.e. husband or male hoori).

You’re better off coming to terms with this and accepting it than having false, purile notions about women.The best way to combat these thoughts are to apply the advice given in the first three secrets:

  • Respect her.
  • Be loyal to her.
  • Give her physical love when she wants it.

Does this mean she’ll never take a second husband if you do these three things? Of course not. But it will raise your value in her mind relative to other men and she’ll be all the more reluctant to look for those three things (respect, loyalty, and sex) elsewhere.

5. She Wants To Make You Happy

  • Why do you think women work so hard ?
  • Why do you think women are willing to leave their jobs and risk starting a business?
  • Why do you think women like buying men gifts?

Because deep down, we really just want to make you happy.

Sometimes we screw it up and forget about the world cup. But we really would prefer to remember because we know it would make you happy.

So when your wife buys you a gift, accept it, rejoice over it, thank her profusely, and use it as often as possible.

  • If she buys you some clothes, wear it.
  • If she buys you a new smartphone, use it.
  • If she buys you a car, drive it.

And don’t be so quick to nag her about the things she doesn’t do right. Because then she’ll start feeling that you don’t respect (there’s that word again) the things she does do for you.

6. If You Nudge Her, She Can Be A Better Muslim

Nobody’s perfect.Perhaps your wife isn’t a Muslim scholar. Perhaps she’s not the best Muslim in the world.You can nudge her to make her better. But you can’t force her.

Do little things to get her to improve her Islam.

  • Work around the house like the Prophet did.
  • Do your equal part of taking care of the children, this means you will discuss ethics and values more often and grow in deen
  • Tell her she is your garment, and show her you mean it.
  • Never talk about your rights as if she doesn’t have exactly the same rights.

This takes deliberate words, a soft touch, and careful action.

The reward that comes is living with a righteous wife. And the reward in the next life for encouraging your husband to the truth.

Except for those who have believed and done righteous deeds and advised each other to truth and advised each other to patience.Chapter 103, Verse 3

7. She Loves You, Even If She Doesn’t Always Show It

I know, this one may be kinda hard to swallow. But it’s true (usually).
Women sometimes clam up. This is probably because you haven’t shown her the respect and love she deserves. She would want you to realize this for yourself, she doesn’t want to have to spell it out to you.

You must humbly ask her to forgive you. Remember that Allah rewards him who makes peace between muslims.

Just because your wife doesn’t treat you in the way (you think) the Prophet’s (pbuh) wives treated him, doesn’t mean your wife doesn’t love you.

It just means she’s human.It is very important that you understand this.

  • If she’s doing her best to take care of you.
  • If she doesn’t abuse you or sleep around.
  • If she sincerely tries to solve your problems and helps you in the best way she can.
  • Then chances are she loves you. A lot.

Now move from in front of the television and come give me a foot massage.


68 thoughts on “7 Things Your Muslim Wife Won’t Tell You

  1. So to sum it up in the sense as intended – can it be morally wrong for a man to make use of sexual service willingly offered by a woman in our given social context?

    With my answering several areas where a man’s accepting a woman’s offer of sexual service can indeed be morally wrong, there is the moral reproach to the john, without religious attachment of the reproach. As with any transaction where power imbalances exist, but seldom transactions are so burdened with broader social dynamics. So is marriage by the way, I would not exclude marriage at all. In many contexts, marriage is nothing but contractually agreed long-term prostitution (incl other services).

    By the way, regarding something Fiona said, on questions of ethics and morality raised by atheists and agnostics. I find it highly offensive that many people of strong to relatively loose religious faith tend to assume atheists and agnostics due to not believing in (one) God do not believe in anything, or are not concerned by right or wrong. The contrary is the case in my opinion. When you have the expectation of yourself to be a good person, to behave in a good way, and you are not left with a supposedly complete canon of behaviour by God and the clergymen or prophets, you have to think for yourself whether actions would be right or wrong.

    People choose different paths, I guess – norm or rights-based approaches, “golden rule” like approaches, ethics of care approaches..

  2. //A minority of prostitutes may be happy, successful and rich. The majority aren’t and come from hideous backgrounds.//

    Prostitution is fine for those women who are happily selling themselves ? and pimps who are marketing them well and Johns who are visiting them paying hefty amount of money and making them happy, deserve respect?

    //And what happens to the happy/successful/rich ones when they are no longer desirable and men don’t want pay for them? //

    they can become pimps themselves when they grow old, obviously they have life time experience of this field.

    //I agree with Chris and Allie.//

    And i agree with saad for now 😉

  3. Mariam,
    “I get it, but still, as a yes/no answer should it be very difficult? ”

    Do you disapprove of homosexuality at this time. No.
    DId you disapprove of homosexuality 15 years ago. Yes.
    Do you disapprove of incest. Yes.
    Do you dispprove of polygamy. Yes.
    Do you disapprove of prostitution. Yes.
    Do you disapprove of wearing swastikas. Yes.

    Those are the only questions that I can remember.

  4. Saad,
    To put it simply, things like that go on all the time around us. Once the participants are both legal adults, they can do whatever they want and there’s not much anyone can do about it. Unless one person is developmentally or otherwise disabled there isn’t an advocate group to intervene so in that sense they can “get away with it.” Unless people are actively breaking serious laws, most people are left to themselves.

  5. Science shows that most pharaohs suffered from genetic mutational diseases, and that these grew worse as a dynasty grew older. It may have been one of the reasons the system collapsed.

    “it would be very interesting to know how reason can lead us to objective moral truths, as no two philosophers agree with each other.”

    It would be very interesting to know how religion can lead us to objective moral truths, as no two prophets/gods/interpreters agree with each other.

  6. //Do you disapprove of homosexuality at this time. No.
    DId you disapprove of homosexuality 15 years ago. Yes.//

    Will you disapprove of homosexuality 15 years from now. God Knows
    Will you approve of incest in Future. Maybe
    Will you approve of polygamy in future. Maybe
    Will you approve of prostitution. Maybe
    Will you approve of wearing swastikas. Maybe

    *here you means society not dale.

  7. Again i don’t agree with you chris 😉 . i will get back to you. but just wanted to say.

    // I find it highly offensive that many people of strong to relatively loose religious faith tend to assume atheists and agnostics due to not believing in (one) God do not believe in anything, or are not concerned by right or wrong.//

    i have been following atheists (and christians) for a while now. i know their care for what is right or wrong.

    difference is you peg morality in reason. which again becomes subjective as human beings are the one reasoning and philosophical arguments are like veneer over philosophers own moral intuitions and convictions to what must be right. and i don’t understand why we need majority for legislation. because reason is objective . If two people use reason correctly they would converge upon the same moral disposition.
    so only one opinion will conform to reason and not other differing opinions. Therefore majority should be irrelevant here. Laws should not be made by majority, because the basic principle behind majority is that reason is insufficient. Therefore differing opinions should be solved using reason alone. So for me majority is simply a fallacy of social reasoning, in the context of reason.

  8. Wow, alright, thanks Dale. By the way there is more history to homosexuality and incest though, as in way back thousands of years back both homosexuality and incest were normal in a certain culture. Apart from that till quite previously in most cultures (even now it is taboo, but lesser I think) both were considered forbidden and unnatural. Among the basic reasonings for homosexuality, apart from religious viewpoints, is that family structure runs on man and woman who produces children to continue the human race. Also male and female balances each other out, nature and energy-wise. So the more homosexuality is welcomed, the increase in unnatural the family structures, since father and mother’s personalites also play a role in healthy psychology in children, more than father-father or mother-mother pairs (love to children is the main priority yes, but these other factors also play a role in development of a child’s psychology).

    But anyway, I have read in several places that with this sort of progressive ideas of people it won’t be long (perhaps decades or centuries later) before people start trying to make incest lawful too, since the same reasoning of ‘As long as people are happy and living their own lives we shouldn’t interfere in their lives, with them making intelligent and adult choices’. For now for the majority of us incest makes us recoil in disgust, but who knows, perhaps the reasoning might change later on for certain people, once they find ways to cut down chances of genetic mutilation problems from occuring, or they find from lab testing that the particular incest pair’s children will not be deformed in any way or there is only a minor chance of being deformed. I am not sure how a theoretical system would work here.

    Other side factors for homosexuality being disapproved is that the level of comfort zone as is common within the same gender may be reduced. Similarly the level of comfort zone in a family structure in a society where incest is considered not taboo anymore might be reduced as well. Anyway, these are my opnions that’s all.

  9. //It would be very interesting to know how religion can lead us to objective moral truths, as no two prophets/gods/interpreters agree with each other//

    first you answer my question. i will tell you how religion leads us to objective moral truths. No muslim believes that adultery is a good thing. they are confused on various other things that has little to do with morality and ethics.

  10. Thanks for your responses Chris. However, I don’t know why there is so much of detailed discussion on prostitution. Prostitution is a business, that’s all. An exchange of money for sexual services. Why go through so much indepth on whether a woman is being coerced against her will, she doesn’t like it since the way society is shaped in patriarchy so the man makes it about himself, economic problems, etc? If a woman willingly goes for it, whether she actually needs the money or because it is easy money, that’s another factor.

    I guess from these discussions we could come from a position where prostitutes, johns and pimps are okay, but giving false hopes to a person to make them take the job, taking advantage of a helpless woman, cruel and unnatural behavior from the man’s side instead of a more polite and respectful demeanor, etc, could be questioned and laws could be formed protecting the woman’s personal and basic rights. Apart from these inner factors, in general, so far I don’t see a problem with prostitutes, johns and pimps from a secular perspective.

    By the way prostitution can also be the other way around, where the man is the prostitute, the women are the female version of johns and pimps, and the society is more matriarchal. Will the same arguments also be applied here? If not, I do see a sense of hypocrisy being played here. Perhaps people are just plain uncomfortable with the prostitution business that’s all.

  11. Also I am still surprised why johns and pimps are blamed and spoken against of, while nothing of this sort is spoken about a prostitute. If a woman needs money in a society where prostitution is legal, she would do so in desperation especially, even if it is harmful. And johns and pimps would help her achieve that goal (provided the woman’s personal and basic rights are protected). So apparently to protect a woman, the society needs to ban prostitution. Also creating more welfare funds for economically deprived people or shelters for vulnerable people would be a good idea, if the goverment can afford it. Anyway, if something like this is to be banned, the entire prostitution business needs to be banned, including the one who offers her/his services. Otherwse you guys need to explain to me why that won’t be possible or not required.

  12. Fiona, I guess I need to study more philosophy in that case lol. The good part about religious beliefs is that there are more of basic absolute truths being established, whose reasoning behind might be found out decades or centuries later. Even now there are things we don’t understand but keep following, while also trying to find out their reasoning. For example, some religious practices might have medical benefits to them for performing them in a regular basis, which might have been found out only recently.

  13. Allie! i acknowledge and take responsibility of misunderstanding of my argument, it is very difficult for me to chose the right words and convey them in a way that will reflect what i am trying to say actually.

    // they can do whatever they want and there’s not much anyone can do about it.//
    yes they can do what ever they want without disturbing anyone else and NOBODY SHOULD DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT if they are not bothering anybody else. (this is my point)
    anyways thanks for your patience.

  14. Hi Saad,

    “Prostitution is fine for those women who are happily selling themselves ? and pimps who are marketing them well and Johns who are visiting them paying hefty amount of money and making them happy, deserve respect?”

    HYPOTHETICALLY if women have the financial, circumstantial, psychological means to choose prostitution (ie no force, addiction or lack of alternatives involved) then yes, I think she has a right to make that decision.

    Also HYPOTHETICALLY if a pimp or john is involved, and they behave in a mutually respectful way, then I dont have a problem with that.

    My problem? I think these scenarios only exist hypothetically. There may be a few men and women who meet the above criteria but I think they are few and far between if at all?

  15. I guess for male prostitution it could be argued that the level of physical harm done to the man when the woman buyer is not as respectful to the man or focuses on solely her own pleasure is still lesser comparatively. Anyway, for a lot of factors in general his case could be similar to that of a woman prostitute.

  16. //In our everyday moral standards we would be inclined to say it is questionable to strike an economic transaction with someone to make them do something they would not do without dire economic need;//

    You know i hate to work. I will never go to office without dire economic need.

    // we would be inclined to find it wrong to gain one’s sexual pleasure from someone who is in discomfort or even pain (which overwhelming numbers of Dutch prostitutes report to feel daily,//

    For arguments sake i will agree with you. that for prostitutes who are in pain, prostitution as a business is wrong.
    But you see adult actresses(no less than prostitutes) are earning millions and if you do little bit searching there will be many prostitutes who are doing it happily maybe they want more sex than ordinary people on op of that they are earning good money for them prostitution is fine(even if they are less in percentage).

    //What would we say if someone found a starved African asylum seeker on the streets offering help for bread, and we let them do hard labour in our garden for a bread? We would likely disapprove of a neighbour doing so,//

    Well it would be really bad and cruel i would say, if he is toiling so hard for a bread. we should help him and feed him. but If African asylum seeker wants to earn big money he should work and he will have to work.

    //yet there is no moral judgment on the john paying an African asylum seeker prostitute ridiculously low amounts for actions that cause her pain in her most fragile body parts…. //
    As i said earlier, it is very very difficult for human beings to create balance between hard work and reward.
    Suffice it to say that John should pay good money but then it depends on the prostitute.

    // The only moral judgment johns are faced with are the question whether sex should be bought, not the relevant ones. Like, is it right to exploit someone’s economic misery?//
    At least we can respect male adult stars (who are paid half of females) and johns visiting THE prostitutes who just want to earn easy money even if they have alternatives and probably want more/frequent and diverse sexual relations than a normal woman can have.

    //Then aside the economic part, I don’t think you got the patriarchy part. //
    if you have read my response chris. i asked you to tell me if, Do you want to say,Society drags the women to a poor state, and then letting them do what they “are free” to do (but that is not in fact freedom but a mere act of survival) e.g. prostitution. And still man dominates?

    // he makes use of her service……but in a space where his sexuality rules, and his economic power rules. Where many women’s only way to survive is to please a man….//
    😉 Prostitutes who are in this business for survival and who would like to opt for different professions if had choice should be helped.
    but i saw a video 2 years ago on prostitution in Lahore/Pakistan and interviewer asked a ‘ Beautiful ‘ prostitute that if we provide you opportunity to work as a labor …..will you? she said No, she is earning easy money at home. That’s the case i am talking about. prostitution is a good business for prostitutes who love to stay prostitutes, and their case is different.

    //and who do not see the benefit in abolishing it – at first.//
    i don’t see any benefit in abolishing it — at first too. In practical world you cannot end poverty(especially with capitalism which is even more “horrible” than prostitution).

    //The question was can a man who wants to see a prostitute do so with claiming a moral highground,//
    I don’t see why he can’t.

    //or is his action for reasons other than religious puritanism morally doubtful; which I say yes, in our patriarchal society.//
    In matriarchal society can a man approach a prostitute claiming moral highground. If yes than Prostitution is subjectively bad for you. though for me from a secular perspective it is not bad.

    // can it be morally wrong for a man to make use of sexual service willingly offered by a woman in our given social context?//
    subjectively MAYBE yes objectively No. You do understand the difference between objective moral standard and subjective one?
    anyway as i stated earlier for many prostitutes prostitution is a very profitable business. while many opt it because they don’t really have a choice(that is bad but does not make prostitution objectively bad).

    //With my answering several areas where a man’s accepting a woman’s offer of sexual service can indeed be morally wrong,..//
    here i partially agree wit you. but in many cases a man’s accepting a woman’s offer of sexual service can indeed not be morally wrong.

    //As with any transaction where power imbalances exist,//
    in practical world power imbalance will exist between a factory owner and labor etc. it also exist when people work in offices under a manager.

    //So is marriage by the way, I would not exclude marriage at all. In many contexts, marriage is nothing but contractually agreed long-term prostitution (incl other services).//
    😉 some bad examples does not mean institution of marriage loses its moral high ground, just like because of some(or many if you want to say) bad examples business of prostitution does not becomes bad.

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