We had a nice evening, even though the barrier was still there, the awkward silences. Tamsin was with her father, Mark payed her a short visit without me. Most of the time, Graham and Mark get along a lot better when I’m not around. It gave me time to do the dishes and take a shower. I longed to get close to my husband. I know from experience that being close physically often helps in closing a gap between us emotionally.
We snuggled. It was wonderful to be back in his arms, feel his warmth, hear him say he loves me.
Then it stopped. He couldn’t do it. Oh he tried, and tried. Then he told me he had had the same problems with #2. He said she felt like a stranger. They have become strangers to each other and he found himself wondering what the girl was doing in his bed. And then he felt like a real ass. She still loves him apparently. He said finally, the last two days, they reconnected in a way that allowed him to be intimate with her.
And now, that is causing him problems here. Guilt. Shame.
I tried to tell him I understand, that he should just leave it for a while, that it’s ok. He snarled at me, got dressed and left. Didn’t come back until two hours later. Said he was sorry but just didn’t want to talk about it. This has happened before. He has problems compartmentalizing, in his head love, sex, polygamy, cheating – it all gets mixed up.
He’s still asleep.
I’m sitting here wondering about what kind of morning we’ll have.
I do understand. Of course I do. But it’s for him to work out, I can’t help him.
This is another reason why women are more suited for polygamy, I’ll never have to worry about performance.
For men, polygamy provokes the desire, but it takes away the performance.