Polygamy: It Provokes, and Unprovokes

???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????We had a nice evening, even though the barrier was still there, the awkward silences. Tamsin was with her father, Mark payed her a short visit without me. Most of the time, Graham and Mark get along a lot better when I’m not around. It gave me time to do the dishes and take a shower. I longed to get close to my husband. I know from experience that being close physically often helps in closing a gap between us emotionally.

We snuggled. It was wonderful to be back in his arms, feel his warmth, hear him say he loves me.

Then it stopped. He couldn’t do it. Oh he tried, and tried. Then he told me he had had the same problems with #2. He said she felt like a stranger. They have become strangers to each other and he found himself wondering what the girl was doing in his bed. And then he felt like a real ass. She still loves him apparently. He said finally, the last two days, they reconnected in a way that allowed him to be intimate with her.

And now, that is causing him problems here. Guilt. Shame.

I tried to tell him I understand, that he should just leave it for a while, that it’s ok. He snarled at me, got dressed and left. Didn’t come back until two hours later. Said he was sorry but just didn’t want to talk about it. This has happened before. He has problems compartmentalizing, in his head love, sex, polygamy, cheating – it all gets mixed up.

He’s still asleep.

I’m sitting here wondering about what kind of morning we’ll have.

I do understand. Of course I do. But it’s for him to work out, I can’t help him.

This is another reason why women are more suited for polygamy, I’ll never have to worry about performance.

For men, polygamy provokes the desire, but it takes away the performance.

9 thoughts on “Polygamy: It Provokes, and Unprovokes

  1. Oh good heavens yes! For me, the physical closeness also closes the gap when we have had issues. It says a number of things that can’t otherwise be said.

    Poor Mark. It seems he’s struggling. I think he has a conscience Fiona. That he reflects. My husband can be as ass, but he also reflects and I love him for it.

    I see why you cant let Mark go. How he must hate the situation he created.

  2. Thank you for sharing these things with us Fiona. I’ve experienced a few times that a man will start responding, and then without explanation cease to respond. When it has happened, I have felt terrified, and feared that it has something mysterious to do with me, and I never do figure it out, we just drop it and don’t talk about it.I just don’t understand male plumbing.

    But as I think about it, I think women are often aware that things are troubling them and don’t want intimacy. Maybe men aren’t so aware of what is bothering them until their body tells them to go deal with it.

  3. My thoughts exactly!

    And he is too proud to discuss it with me, too ashamed to ask for help, too verbally crippled to know what he’d say or ask for.

    We’re having a nice day though, and tonight we’re having some friends over. Hopefully, he’ll be able to focus on other things.

    But I do think we need to talk. Can’t force him.

  4. Do you think men are provoked because you say that a man can have momentary issues? We are not that easily provoked! Of course it can happen. This is why it is not as mandatory for men to always “perform” for their wives as it is for women to “perform” for their husbands. Allah gives leave for this. So why do you think it provokes? And how do you know your husband is telling the truth? Maybe they were at it like rabbits he and nr2, but now when he’s back with you he has problems. Or is that too provoking an idea?

  5. If Fiona’s intention was to provoke she wouldn’t post comments like yours.

    But she accepts everyone’s comments because she wants an open, honest discussion about polygamy.

    Are you saying there are parts of polygamy we shouldn’t discuss?

    What’s the point of that? We’re all here to learn aren’t we?

  6. I’m sorry Righttotalk. Sometimes I am a bit unclear.
    This post’s title as well as its final line are quotes, paraphrased from a very famous speech by the porter in Shakespeare’s MacBeth. It’s the kind of stuff English pupils learn by heart along with their home address and telephone nr. 😉 Using quotes, references and a paraphrase or two is a literary style taught in English schools, and I often do so without reflection. It’s makes it possible to say much more than what’s being said (take a look at the original quote, and you’ll see what I mean!), and in a nice way. However, if the audience don’t recognize the references, it can become rather difficult to interpret. I am sorry you misunderstood completely what I was saying. It was my fault.

    I don’t think a husband would be admitting sexual inadequacy, sobbing and humiliated, unless he had to.

    We did however reconnect last night. 🙂

    I believe men might be able to have sex more easily than make love. Says a lot about how polygynous men regard their relationships.

  7. I have same problem with my hubz. He is 4 day with me 4 day with co. When he come home I want to be intimate and feel close but he always have problem first and second night sometime third too. I feel ashamed. I can not talk to him about he would be so hurt if I said something and I of course dont know if is same problem with co. Do you think Fiona is normal problem for polygamos men? I was soo happy to see you write open about this, I am not feel so alone.

  8. Hi Memme!

    I think it is very common among polygynous men. They believe they’re getting into this sex-heaven situation when they get married again but instead they land in a reality of extreme stress, never enough time, no control over things since they are only living half lives, hurting and suffering wives, and the emotional turmoil of all these demands, feelings and juggling responsibilities – and in the end they’ll still have lost the love, respect and trust they had with their wives, the old happiness is gone, guilt and shame is left. And pop goes the weasel (down goes the willy 🙂 ).

  9. Dear Memme,
    You are not alone. But to not feel alone, one must learn to communicate directly with the problem whatever it is. Women are taught that they have no right to communicate, but just have to put up and shut up. This is not true. The only reason that men continue to function well in this constructed world is because women go along with it. That disability will continue until you replace it with a more mature behavior. Learning to communicate without anger, and without fear is a slow process, and takes commitment.

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