Polygamy Perks

1013483_354648064665525_279483948_nWe all know there is immense pain and suffering in polygyny.

Polygamy, however, can be a completely different matter.

A muslim polygynous man knows that his wives have no alternative but to submit to sharing their husband. When he leaves to go to another wife, they must pray for help to endure, they must cry alone at night, they must care for their children and their home alone while he is off fucking another wife, being waited on hand and foot. The wives must smile and be sweet and compete for his favour by offering the best service and the best sex. They also know he has an islamic right to beat them if they don’t.

In polygamy on the other hand, the spouse who opts for plural husbands/wives knows he or she must work at least twice as hard to keep his spouses happy, since they could choose to get plural partners too if they aren’t satisfied – or they could just leave (remember that in islam a wife is not allowed unilateral divorce, and polygyny/forced polygyny is not considered a valid reason for divorce by sharia courts).

Equal polygamy is simply a completely different ballgame. There’s still pain, as in any relationship, but there are a lot of perks too.

What do I get out of being polygamous?

1. I get to live two love stories. I share the wonderful memories, feelings and moments of two loves-of-my-life and it makes my life richer.

2. I have learned more about love itself. Love and relationships somehow become clearer and more comprehensible when love is separated from the single object. I know now that Mark is not the embodiment of love, marriage and happiness. I have become able to look at love more objectively, and it makes me better at tackling it. This in itself also makes me a better wife.

3. I live a much more active life now, since I have two lives to lead. I keep fit, and I don’t get bored.

4. I have more variation in my life now. With Graham I visit museums, concerts and exhibitions. We have a great set of friends who all enjoy the outdoors. With Mark it’s restaurants, sports and a more jet-set crowd, and weekend parties with childhood friends.

5. When I fall out with the one, I can simply head off to the other.

6. Yes. I enjoy having them “compete” over me. A bit. And I enjoy the sex. There.

27 thoughts on “Polygamy Perks

  1. I know exactly what to say. Sadly, I don’t have the time right now. Maybe somebody else will do it for me.

    But I am still amazed that any sane woman, any woman, can declare herself the supporter of such an ideology.

  2. Agreed……how could any sane woman ,any woman declare herself the supporter of such an ideology.I’ll tell you why….in Islam they are told that it is Allah’s will & if they are a Mormon they are following the so called prophet Joseph Smith who declared ” men have to have multiple wives to enter the celestuel kingdom where they become “gods” in the after life ruling & reining in their own little kingdom.They believe a lie …..lies from men that are in control .Polygamy is a custom from man not God……And a man shall leave his father & mother & cling to his wife…..And they 2 become 1 flesh.
    I want to say that God created the first family …..that is the model for marriage.One husband & one wife.Christian polygamist may argue saying that all the great men of the Bible had more than one wife & they are right but i will add in each incident of polygamy there were major problems because of it.
    I blame polygamy for the war between the Jews & the Muslims.Abraham had one wife , Sarah who did not believe God who told her that she would have a child gave Hagar (her maid servant) to Abraham to have a child (Ishmael)..Later Sarah did give birth (in her old age) to Isaac .Abraham was promised all the land in the middle east to him & his bloodline.After Sarah had Isaac she told Abraham to “caste out this bondwoman & her son because they have no inheritance with us”.Abraham did tell them to leave even though it broke his heart.because Ishmael was his first born & he loved him just as much as Isaac.So Hagar & Ishmael went into the desert & she cried out to God & God told her that through her son would come a great nation & he would be a wild man in the desert. His hand would be on every man & every mans hand would be on him. (war)
    We are talking about the Arab nations who are from the bloodline of Ishmael.
    What we have here is one father with 2 wives ….2 sons that became 2 nations & 2 different faiths (Muslim & Judaism) fighting over the land that was promised to them from their father Abraham. The BIGGEST FAMILY FEUD IN HISTORY. All because of polygamy

  3. Nicely written Fiona.

    Another bonus, in muslim cases, if a wife didnt like her husband very much she would probably like him being away half the time. Especially if she still had house, kids, money.

    It begs a question though, what if Graham at some stage meets a potential second partner for himself? That would add a new dynamic and require a bit more scheduling!

  4. Hello Fiona

    I can see your pain and I am sorry. Your husband should not have lied to you about his marriage. Most men don’t understand that it isn’t polygamy that hurts their wives, it’s the lying. It says men must treat their wives fair. It is not fair to lie, so your husband broke the restriction laid down by Allah and that is why you hurt.
    A man who treats his wives just and with love can make polygamy a benefit to his wives. He will grow in understanding of a woman’s needs and if he strives for betterment he will become a better husband and father. He will also love his wife more because of the selfishness and sacrifice she makes. You should try to forgive the lie your husband told, so you can heal. Then you should allow his second wife into the family. If he loves her, you should be able to see in her what he loves and accept her.
    Allah can not rule something that is hurtful. You say yourself that polygamy has made you grow! But you must come to see that what you are doing is a great sin and also a sin you are putting on your husband for the cuckold is condemned by Allah. Your husband is to blame for lying to you, so maybe this is why Allah punishes him like this. But it is up to you to make it right. I wish you well.

  5. True State,

    Plenty of wives whose husbands don’t lie still find polygamy painful.

    Are you in polygamy?

    Dont you think its hurtful to think of the person you have devoted yourself to having sex with another?

    Dont you think they hurt when their husband is not there?

    Dont you think it hurts to think of him carressing another woman and staring into her eyes and whispering love?

    Even if he is honest, it still hurts.

    Yes the lying hurts. But polygamy itself hurts as well.

    Do you accept that Allah does not encourage polygamy in any way? Allah could have recommended it but didnt. Most men cant be fair. So more likely than not he will hurt his wives.

  6. Also true state, I find it sad when you say how the husband will love the wife more for accepting polygamy.

    What about the husband staying monogamous in order for his wife to love him more???

    Its really sad. She has to suffer in order to receive more love?

  7. “But you must come to see that what you are doing is a great sin”

    True State, I’ve often wondered when I read run of the mill entries like yours, which are all over the internet, what it would be like to believe that I know what someone else MUST do, and what it would be like to take such liberties as you have taken.

    “But it is up to you to make it right.”

    No it isn’t.

    “I wish you well.”

    I wish you well too.

  8. Fiona already answered numerous posts such as this. As for the part on if he loves her, Fiona should be able to see in her what he loves and accept her, well, he lusted her, and loved her for her youth and her naiveness apparently. I don’t see what is acceptable about either of these things.

    If Mark cheated on Fiona without a ceremony and contract, you would have given a reply that is very different from the one you gave now and more closer to reality. But since he cheated on her with a ceremony and contract, now it is apparently different, and the only thing hurtful is the lying, which he did to cover up his approach to take another woman which would have been totally unacceptable otherwise, and later his own unjust actions. Anyway, if you were a female and not brainwashed that men and women are inherently different in major ways, such as psychologically, your ideas and comment would have been quite a different one.

  9. “What about the husband staying monogamous in order for his wife to love him more???” – exactly.

    I read a post on another blog yesterday concerning this, I think I’ll have to make a separate post about it.

  10. As for me, I’ll never be able to understand the view that when A does something it’s commendable but when B does the same thing it’s a grave sin. :0

  11. I am starting to get a bit fed up with answering comments like this one. Thank you Mariam for lending a hand!

  12. Fiona this attitude stems from the hadiths I think.

    Theres a few about pleasing husbands. Such as obeying him will give a wife entry to heaven, angels will curse you all night if you upset him etc.

    What about the woman who never marries or has children? Forgive me if Im wrong and please correct me, but Islam seems relatively quiet on these women.

  13. You left the decision to me you said.
    You would not cause me pain so left the choice to me.
    The silence between us drowned in empty talk.
    It wasn’t your desire for another woman, wrenched my soul.
    It wasn’t your wish to give to another that which had once belonged to me.
    It was the look in your eyes when you asked my permission.

  14. Oh, so true ❤

    Fiona can probably relate to this….I just flashed back (it still happens, blessedly less and less but it's still there) to a night not long before M married N. We'd all 3 had a meeting and N and I were having a nice, civil conversation while M was at work. I was at her house, ironing his work shirts because I didn't have a working iron at home. We discussed the schedule-to-be. We agreed 4 days each. And I added a caveat to that, saying on her 4 days, he's with YOU. I don't bother him, I don't call him, I don't show up at his work, nothing, nada. And vice versa. THAT is when she lost her mind, ranting and raving. And that is when I knew she was bound and determined to have him to herself. And that she was psychotic.

    What absolutely floors me is, she knew about me way before I knew about her. She knew he was married. She didn't care. And yet here I was, calm and collected (in retrospect, I was in bare survival mode) and trying to find a way to come together and make it work for everyone. Yet here she was caterwauling like a scalded cat and acting like SHE was the one getting screwed over.

    Anyway, after M got off work and went to her place, the two of them went round and round with her screaming at him and me just going OMG….I need to go. He and I left, and he yelled at me all the way home about "what the hell did you SAY to her???" I'm like dude. She is NUTS. Certifiably INSANE and this is not going to work!!!!

    At home for the next few days all he did is sulk. Went to work, came home, went into the bedroom and sulked. Cried and was uncommunicative with me, with the boys. I finally had enough and told him if he wants to be with her so bad, GO. I couldn't take the tension and most of all I couldn't take the pain in his eyes one more minute. Told him, go, marry her, be happy. Or at least go, and find out for sure if she's really the kind of woman you want/need. And he left. For two weeks. I thought I would lose my damn mind. But it was the look in his eyes that killed me, more than anything else. At least with him gone I didn't have to see that anymore.

  15. They way he looked when he left me was never what hurt the most, not even the time I had cut myself and he left anyway. No, the unimaginable pain was the look in his eyes every time he came back.

  16. What do you mean by this? Was it the happy look he had when he came home. Im not sure what you mean.

  17. Happy, guilty, excited. He looked infatuated, which of course he was and I was paying the price for that happiness. He looked excited, sexually aroused, and I knew it was because he found it extremely sexually exciting to imagine having sex with me with her touch still on his skin. He looked guilty because he knew I knew. And because he was killing me slowly. And still he had that puppy look on his face that meant he expected me to love him anyway.

  18. See, and I don’t really remember M having that look when he returned home. But then, when he returned home I really didn’t want to look at him, at least not at first. What I DO remember, several months into it, is that he looked haggard and stressed. And very relieved to be home. I’m not just saying that because I thought I was all that – obviously I wasn’t all that if he stooped to getting with #2 – but I knew there was definitely trouble in paradise. Part of me felt sorry for him, part of me felt immense anger at #2 for screwing with him, and part of me felt vindicated. He had found out what I’d been trying to tell him all along. The grass was greener over there because it was covering up a deep well of shit.

    I DID stumble across a pic of the two of them on their wedding day. He was positively glowing, and she looked beautiful. It was a kick in the stomach like no other. If that’s anything like what you’d see in Mark when he returned home to you, I completely understand.

  19. I have to ask Mark about it when he comes home. What he really felt when he opened our front door after having spent his 3 days with her.

    Talking about it makes me realize I need to know.

    Odd.

    I thought I was over all that.

  20. Fully support everything you said. Especially the “it’s cheating, only with a piece of paper”. To be honest, I have less disgust for a man who went astray with a woman roughly his age, like someone he’d met at work, than a man who thinks he is entitled to be together with someone a lot less than half his age, younger than his daughter, just because there’s a contract signed. Just like a have a lot less disgust for someone who engages in adultery with an equally strong partner than for someone who concludes a “time marriage”, or legal prostitution. Honestly, when this freaking paperwork is about sex with someone way younger, first and foremost, and possibly about some admiration for “the man”, some ultimate protector complex in his mid-life crisis, I do not see how one could possibly have an ounce of repect for such behaviour. As I said, I think the man cheating with someone roughly his age because attraction developed without the intention it would is less dishonorable to me.

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