Why does a Woman Choose to be a Second Wife?

GorgoneionHow can a woman choose to become a second wife?

It’s an enigma we keep coming back to. We understand how a selfish man, brainwashed by islam that it is his right and he is doing the ummah a favour, can opt for polygyny, hoping to gain excitement, maledom and sex.

But how can a woman agree to becoming a second wife? And, the thousand pound question, how can she live with herself if she knows she became a second wife at the expense of another woman whose life, love and health are irrevocably destroyed through this deed?

As I see it there are a few different answers to this question.

1. The second wife is extremely young and/or extremely selfish. The kind of woman who is on the maturity level of a four year old, who hides in a cupboard with a candy bar so she won’t have to share it  with anybody because all that exists in the mind is mine, mine, mine. This is the woman who believes she is the winner when she gets the man to marry her, and she is silly enough to believe that he will soon get rid of the old wife, and she will get the toy all to herself. This kind of immaturity can also be caused my mental illness.

2. The second wife is a whore. She doesn’t care the man is married, or that she is destroying a family and another woman, as long as she gets paid.

3. The second wife is a sadist. A mentally and sexually warped woman who takes pleasure in causing pain and wallowing in the misery of others.

4. The second wife is starving in the streets, watching her children from an earlier marriage die from lack of food and medicines and she is unfortunate enough to have as her only aid a muslim man who believes there is no other way to help a woman and her children than to fuck her.

These are the answers I have come up with. All second wives I have come across have belonged to one of the first three groups.


71 thoughts on “Why does a Woman Choose to be a Second Wife?

  1. Whoa.

    That all sounds very painful, and I’m sorry you went through that. But perhaps there is a difference between “my experience with a second wife” and “all women who are second wives”.

    I obviously do not understand second wives with truly malicious intentions, but everyone’s circumstances are different, and I just don’t think that all second wives will fit neatly into four discrete categories. And I don’t think it is fair to demonise all these women, who I still see as victims, as a class.

  2. No second wives = no forced polygyny. They are all perps, and aiders and abetters in a crime against humanity. “I didn’t know” has never been accepted as an excuse.

  3. lifeisgood

    //I’ve reached a conclusion about reverts.

    Those that have the means leave it eventually. They have family support, money, work, safety, options.//

    so true.
    By the way, now we are having another convert at 411. She is accepting islam to be on same page with her Future husband. so what do you think IF her husband turns out to be another cheater like rest of pakistanis, she would keep her faith? I don’t think so, She will not only hate him but every thing related to him even this new religion.

  4. And right now Ana and company are being so nice to her after hearing that she is interested in Islam. We will see what happens if she loses her interest in that guy and religion eventually. Ana does not respect Apostates i think.

  5. Sympathetic, do you think my case is unique? Honestly, I thought it was, until I opened up about it with others, such as right here on this blog, and found out that my experience is FAR from unusual.

    These homewreckers are victims? Right. I guess my definition of “victim” is different, but I don’t see myself as a victim, so I’d hardly classify these nutcase #2’s as victims.

  6. Though Ashes won’t even be a true Muslim anyway, since she wouldn’t be converting for the right reasons, according to the Gospel of Ana.

  7. unchained
    //That’s an understatement!//

    //Though Ashes won’t even be a true Muslim anyway, since she wouldn’t be converting for the right reasons, according to the Gospel of Ana.//
    Unchained is their any similarity between you and Ashes as far conversion goes?

  8. Saad, “understatement” is an English term. It’s like, if there’s a typhoon outside and you say “it’s a little bit windy”, That’s an understatement.
    So when you said “Ana doesn’t like apostates” when in fact she treats them like they’re Satan incarnate, yes, that’s an understatement. And has a jolly time backbiting them all the while whining because we talk about HER.
    To answer your question about conversion, no, mine didn’t happen like that at all. M and I were married years before I converted, and I converted in an attempt to understand, and hopefully accept polygyny. It didn’t work, obviously, but I did learn a lot 🙂

  9. I find this article very interesting;


    It speaks of two types of women in Britain that is involved in polygony.

    There is the career woman in her 30`is and 40`is who are not interested in/do not have time for a full time muslim husband and the whole package that entails. They have other things in their life that is more important, career and they want a “pop-in-man”.

    Then there is the unwilling polygony on rise in the closed communities where women are kept out of society physically and mentally and have little choice.

    The article is very clear, from the experiences of the Sharia Councils in Britain who arbitrate in family matters. They estimate approximately 30 000 women in Britan who are in a polygamous situation.

    The “scary” thing about this is that it is a trend in rise. Polygamy is becoming “popular” again.

  10. “Those that stay are trapped. Maybe in a muslim country. Maybe no support or options to escape. Some gave up their lives and have nothing but the religion to cling too. Many have personality/ attention seeking /mental issues.

    Some have built their entire lives on it and acknowledging the truth would mean their world would tumble down around them. They cant face the truth as that means accepting the past 5, 10, 20, 40 years have been a joke.”

    Is this a statement that all female reverts would apostasize if they were independent? I cannot agree with that assessment at all. I don’t think it factors in all the reasons for converting to begin with. Sure, some people convert for socioeconomic reasons or convenience. Or maybe because they really don’t know what they’re looking for in life. But there are many people who convert because something about Islam was meaningful to them in a personal way. You can throw all kinds of facts or circumstances at someone in that category, but more than likely whatever personal connection they have to Islam will trump it all in the end and they will stay Muslim. In most cases with anything, people make choices for those hard core personal reasons over anything else. I think that’s also why Fiona stays with Mark in the face of other “logics” readers may throw at her, and why Mark stays married to the other one despite knowing it hurts Fiona, who was the apparent love of his life. When it comes to things like love and religion, they tend to be heart decisions over head ones….and heart decisions seldom bow to ‘facts’ or rationale. This is why love and religion tend to either be the biggest tragedies or the greatest triumphs in one’s life.

  11. Fiona, I am reading a woman’s posts on Ummah Forum and she is a Muslim divorcee with children called candyapple. She has admitted she is getting proposals from handsome, young single men but she turned them all down. She says she is interested in marrying a married man so she can have time off for herself and has even called for legalising polygamy in the West.

    What’s worse, she is a total hypocrie. She says that had her first husband become polygamous he would have divorced him.

    You can read candyapple’s posts here: http://www.ummah.com/forum/showthread.php?408749-polygamy-has-become-something-strange

  12. These are some of her posts. Enough to gauge out her hypocritical mentality.

    10-07-14, 09:15 PM Post #1

    ”Salaam, you all know most of us are in a monogamy marraige.

    the thought of being married with a co wife sparks jealousy inside me at times and at other times I think I can live with this (hypothetical)

    isnt it crazy our society has shaped our thinking so much that we find polygamy a strange thing?

    No wonder some men are players… polygamy is in their dna lool yet they’re being told its a one wife life

    Anyways I know there are a few threads on this.

    But seriously polygamy is natural for men and western society dont recognise this right… (and sometimes im selfishly grateful lol)

    What thinks you?

    A player or a polygamy marraige?”


    10-07-14, 09:56 PM Post #15

    ”You know if you dont want a co wife you can write it down on ur marraige contract?

    Also if you didnt or dont and ur hubby wanted another wife, he wouldn’t need ur consent so to speak, but he needs to tell you to be fair.

    if I was still married, I would have left him had he took on another wife cause I was being mistreated as it was.”


    Yesterday, 02:26 AM Post #31

    ”Some women (alot including myself) wouldnt really go for it, I mean you know we love our hubbys n we dont want to share them kinda thing… but now im divorced and I had a few proposals which I turned down. All the guys were younger than me.

    edit- I just remembered I had a brother 32yrs proposing but other than that the rest were younger. –

    but I was thinking you know if a brother was married already n looking for another wife, for me it may work out well cause I have my own place and my kids… I just need a friend. .. so as a second wife hubby wouldnt stick around full time which works out better… see where im coming from…

    btw lol im not hinting for any proposals, im not looking to marry just yet. But just thinking.”


    Today, 01:15 AM Post #86

    ”Lol… I have offers from handsome younger single brothers, and Allah is my witness but im considering a married brother who is looking to get married.”


  13. Hi Jameela,

    I don’t think all reverts apostasize, but I think many do. I think the majority do. They may never declare it, but just stop practising and break away from communities.

    Many women revert for a man and if they split more often than not she leaves the faith. I know there are exceptions to that, but generally alot of reverts came there for a man.

    I found alot are also there for the sense of family that may have been lacking in their own upbringing, it’s a place to belong. If they remain muslim it’s not from any belief in islam, but it’s to keep the family they got.

    I disagree about the heart/head bit. Most reverts I met became muslim based on logic not emotion. Islam offers much common sense (i still believe that), it fits well for people who like structure, rules, organised living, guidance.

    Its the logic that I think eventually turns many reverts against islam. When it no longer seems logical, equitable, fair, sensible or empathetic they stop practising.

    Probably people who experience dreams etc leading to conversion are more heart based in their decision.

  14. I don’t think this person is sincere at all.

    I think she’s seeking attention from the men there.

    It’s sad. To me it reads like she’s pimping herself out by playing on the men’s base desire for polygamy. She wants to be flattered, complimented.

    I used to visit a muslim blog years ago and there was a “candyfloss” who wrote similar to this one, from the UK.

  15. That person also shows exactly what goes on in the mind of women wanting to be 2nd wives.

    (1) She buys into the myth there must be something wrong with 1st wife for him to want a 2nd and he’s far too kind to divorce her.

    (2) She’s flattering herself by assuming she will fill the “void” the 1st wife can’t fill.

    And all the way she’s trying to pretend it’s because she’s such a good muslim that she favours polygamy.

    These are the kinds of people that made me feel embarrassed to be muslim.

    I pity anyone who ends up with her as a co.

  16. You pretty much described my ex-co. Add Borderline Personality Disorder to this and it was the 7th circle of hell. I don’t know if I’ll ever recover from the experience.

    I’m with my ex hubs right now and yeah, we’re having a nice time together, and slowwwly working our way back (to where we were before the bitch? IDK about that yet) but man oh man. The memories. He was sleeping this morning and I grabbed his cell phone and took a peek. Dozens and dozens of her selfies in his messages. Nothing x rated thank the gods, but still. It was a kick in the gut regardless, seeing her all over in his phone. No calls/texts to her at least…..

  17. I believe that the author has only a one sided view. If you look at the other side of the coin, what is a man supposed to do if he no longer loves his first wife because of certain domestic issues? What should he do if he is attracted to another woman? Should he divorce his first wife, leave his children on her responsibility and commit adultery with the other woman? Or even worse, should he divorce his first wife and leave her on the streets? Will this not be unfair to the first wife? Instead, he can marry the second wife and live with respect with both of them. Of course, if the first wife is not happy with this arrangement, she is free to leave along with the children. It is not uncommon to find single mums in western countries with 5 children from 5 different fathers, who have used her in a serial monogamous relationship and disposed her and her kids on the street.

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