Why does a Woman Choose to be a Second Wife?

GorgoneionHow can a woman choose to become a second wife?

It’s an enigma we keep coming back to. We understand how a selfish man, brainwashed by islam that it is his right and he is doing the ummah a favour, can opt for polygyny, hoping to gain excitement, maledom and sex.

But how can a woman agree to becoming a second wife? And, the thousand pound question, how can she live with herself if she knows she became a second wife at the expense of another woman whose life, love and health are irrevocably destroyed through this deed?

As I see it there are a few different answers to this question.

1. The second wife is extremely young and/or extremely selfish. The kind of woman who is on the maturity level of a four year old, who hides in a cupboard with a candy bar so she won’t have to share it  with anybody because all that exists in the mind is mine, mine, mine. This is the woman who believes she is the winner when she gets the man to marry her, and she is silly enough to believe that he will soon get rid of the old wife, and she will get the toy all to herself. This kind of immaturity can also be caused my mental illness.

2. The second wife is a whore. She doesn’t care the man is married, or that she is destroying a family and another woman, as long as she gets paid.

3. The second wife is a sadist. A mentally and sexually warped woman who takes pleasure in causing pain and wallowing in the misery of others.

4. The second wife is starving in the streets, watching her children from an earlier marriage die from lack of food and medicines and she is unfortunate enough to have as her only aid a muslim man who believes there is no other way to help a woman and her children than to fuck her.

These are the answers I have come up with. All second wives I have come across have belonged to one of the first three groups.

 

Women – a Muslim Commodity?

445px-Gottfried_Sieben_-_Balkangreuel_-_07To me, at the center of a marriage is love.

And for love to live through a life long marriage, it has to be founded on mutual respect, consideration, attraction and friendship.

Marriage is about giving and taking. Giving willingly and gladly, and taking carefully and gratefully.

Marriage is not about equity, it’s not about rights. It’s about putting somebody else’s good before your own, about teamwork and togetherness.

I have never been able to understand the islamic view on marriage. It seems to be all about rights. And the rights are explicit. “The right of the husband to demand sex even if his wife is cooking”, “The right of the husband to be obeyed”, “The right of the husband to forbid his wife to leave the house”, “The right of the wife to be fed, as long as she doesn’t refuse her husband sex”.  etc.

Islamic scholars defend this view on marriage by saying that married life is not a Hollywood dream, so it must be regulated and Allah has granted men certain rights and women other rights, one degree lower.

I know for sure, married life is no Hollywood dream. But I also know that the only true foundation for love in a marriage where husband and wife respect each other is equality and mutual giving. Voluntary giving.

I believe that islamic equity as basis for marriage is also the basis for inequality, oppression and pain in marriage. This view on marriage is what brings about islamist horrors like this – muslim men in search of wives.

I know men from western countries have raped in war – but they wouldn’t call their victims “wives”.

It says a lot about the difference between the status of a wife in the West, and a muslim wife.

A Free Polygamy Blog – For Everybody

gg4603327This blog is for everybody and anybody who wants to discuss polygamy. And if you happen to go off topic – well so be it 🙂 That’s ok too.

You’re welcome here.

And if you come here to contradict me, or even condemn me, fine – you’re welcome.

The only things I won’t allow are threats or other illegal activities.

Another blog stated that this blog will accept anybody, and it’s true. That’s what this blog is about.

And another thing – if you want to contact somebody who’s a contributor here, you can just contact me on norfolkfiona@mail.com, and I’ll pass your e-mail address along. So if you want to contact somebody here without anybody else knowing about it, just send me an e-mail.

Thank you all for being here.

As Requested: An Ode to Taste

80px-Dame_Edna_(6959717624)De gustibus non est disputandum. And still, it is a subject we always return to. Taste is something we all know, but define differently. It is a mark of sophistication, of class – or not.

Taste is also illusive, en aesthetic mind is something that takes a lifetime to develop, and it needs cultivating. Maybe this is why rich Americans spend fortunes on stylists and interior decorators – they have the money to spend on the style they have no training to develop.

In European tradition, which of course means American too since they have very little tradition of their own, ( 😉 ) there are two main schools of aesthetics – the Greek and the Roman. I could give a lengthy lecture on this, but suffice it to say that Greek ideals claimed there’s nothing better to spend your money on than an understatement, while the Romans chose the opposite view – if you’ve got it flaunt it. With a few exceptions, mainly to do with court culture, European ideals have ever since the fall of the Roman Empire been very Greek – less is more, an educated eye detects quality – not quantity. America on the other hand have adopted Roman ideals, which can be seen in public architecture as well as in patriotic rhetorics and in general taste.

This has lead to Americans and Europeans (mostly) friendly habit of bantering over each other’s taste and ideals. Englishmen often find Americans loud and outspoken, while Americans find Brits to be stiff and old fashioned.

I was taught early that anything ostentatious is bad taste. Anything loud is bad taste. Anything gaudy is to be avoided like cholera. Because a lady is rather seen dead than showing a lack of taste. This is never said openly of course, it is just a part of our schooling. It’s silent knowledge. And if you don’t know it, it just shows a lack of education.

I know this sounds awfully arrogant. I would never have expressed myself like this ordinarily, but I’m trying my best to comply with the request of a valued contributor here, who said I have to speak candidly and clearly for him to understand since all this is unknown to him.

So, does it take money to have good taste? Of course not.

If you buy false Gucci-bags it proves you have no money and no taste. If you buy real Gucci-bags it shows you have money, but no taste. If you have taste but no money, you buy good quality second hand or plain IKEA, without pretending it’s anything else. If you have real money and taste, you buy quality with no visible label.

So dear Saad, if you have ever seen a program like The Real Housewives of Bevery Hills, I can tell you that those people seem just as vulgar and strange to me as they probably are to you. Tv-shows like Jerry Springer or Baywatch make me cringe, and I find the language in e.g. rap-music just as offensive as you probably do. But not because I am morally outraged, I’m just aesthetically gobsmacked.

If you’ve got it flaunt it appears just as vulgar to me if it’s a millionaire wearing diamond studded watches as if it’s young people wearing hotpants and bras only. American vulgar culture, as opposed of course to all parts of American culture that are not in poor taste, focusing on flaunting whatever you have hence to me is simply a statement of poor taste. Errors of taste are very often the outward sign of a deep fault of sensibility. 🙂

The above stated is of course a prejudiced generalization, I admit it willingly. 

There’s a reason why de gustibus non est disputandum became a quote known by all 🙂

 

Envy, Jealousy and Polygamy.

59232We have agreed to go to Scotland.

Mark and I will be staying in my grandparents’ house, Graham and his sister and her family will be staying with my cousin. We will stay for at least a fortnight, and ten days in Graham and Mark will simply swop rooms 🙂 So Tamsin, Graham and I will get a few days together too.

I can tell you, it took a lot of talking, tantrums and bargaining before we arrived at this solution.

Mark was adamant about wanting to be alone with me and Tamsin. He said it’s the least he deserves, he has put up with so much intrusion in our marriage, he needs time alone with me.

I agree. We need time together Mark and I, time to be romantic, time to be adults. But with Tamsin around, it’s not easy. And that’s why finally Mark agreed that Graham could come along, since that means Tamsin can be with dad a few hours now and then. But Graham felt odd about going on his own, hanging around my cousin’s place without me. Happily, Graham’s sister and her family were looking for a place to go for a short vacation, and voila – problem solved.

Graham is still grumpy though about having to share his daughter. Doing it is a lot different from talking about it! And Mark is hurt and angry because Graham will be invading our private time – we have so little of it living polygamy.

So we’re all happy, but beneath the surface there is jealousy, envy and resentment.

Please, keep your fingers crossed we’ll have a nice time!

 

(I’ll try to approve posts, and maybe write some posts myself while we’re away, but internet access is shaky at best up in the Highlands!)

Vacation – a Polygamy Problem

1013483_354648064665525_279483948_nOur garden has been turned into no man’s land between 18.00 and 22.00. We have all agreed on this as a way to allow both Graham and Mark as much access to Tasmin as possible. I just take her with me outside, and we can all spend time together, and both Mark and Graham can say goodnight to her every night. 🙂

Next problem is our vacation. Usually both my husbands get 2×7 days every year, and if we add them to an ordinary stretch of three days we can go on a 10 day holiday. Mark’s days are coming up, and he wants us both to go to Scotland. We inherited my grandparents’ house, and Mark is very keen on fishing, well I am too really. I’d love to go to Scotland, and it would be great for Tamsin too, the quiet and the clean air. My cousin is one of my best friends, and she and her husband have a house close by, and we could spend time together. AND – she says Graham is welcome to stay there too. Lovely! That would be perfect. But I’m not sure Mark will think so… I’m building up pluck to talk to him about it tonight….

Q&A Hateful Islamic Answers for Women Without Rights in Polygamy

In islam, a woman can be held in complete bondage by her husband

In islam, a woman can be held in complete bondage by her husband

Assalam!

I wrte some weeks ago to a q&a forum to ask advice about my situation. I married my husband at young age n I have 6 kids 3 are fine n the last 3 are paralyzed neuro disease n he wants to remarry I can’t fathom the pain that I am feeling I feel dead sick tired I care for 3 paralyzed children in this case is it okay for him to remarry n start a new family n I’m toiling in distress with very sick children does allah permit for a man to marry if yes how do I swallow it how in the world can I bear this is it in my situation permissible for him to go off n live his life n leave me to suffer emotionally n physically? This I wrote. I think maybe is restriction on husband when he has sick children and in this is not prssoble for me to live I can’t cope now and if husband gone half time I will go under. I hopes the fatwa would say man has responsibilitie to his sick children and not have more families if it is like this but the answer I get has killed all hopa for me! They write:

Allah Ta’ala states in the Qur’aan majeed: “What! Do you say that you believe but will Not be tested?!Sister. Most time the difficulties and pains we find ourselves in are due to our own lack of ilm in Islam,patience and utterly disobedience toward Allah Ta’ala and Nabi Sallalaahu alayhi wa sallam.Sickness and hardships are the result our sins and Allah Ta’ala in His Mercy is purifying us so we can be able to enter jannat in pure sate , free of sins.Often Allah Ta’ala shows His special love and nearness toward one of his beloved slaves by inflicting him/her with many trials, hardships and pains.

Sister. I can not imagine what your life is like.And i can truly imagine how exhausted your are and that you want somebody holding you and caring for you.But let me tell you.Only Allah Ta’ala is You friend and feels your pains, worries and hears your cries.Do not see your amount of children and your 3 paralyzed children and your husband’s desire to marry another women as a burden or perhaps as punishment.Indeed its a great blessing for your and may guarantee safe entry into jannat.You take care over your 6 children, of whom 3 are like new born babies, a full time care yourself without help.Sister, this indeed is a big test on your imaan and also a special Rahmat from ALLAH Ta’ala on you as you cant imagine how many sins and faults of yours are forgiven this way and how much Allah Ta’ala prevents you from indulging in other sins and time wasting in which you would have indulged in if all children were fully healthy and you faced no problems.Every time you have to wash, feed, clothe, diaper your 3 paralyzed children, the special Mercy and divine Help will be send down on you .Insha allah, if you are in need of assistance and help in advanced age or times of sickness, than your 3 healthy children will do help and serve you with pleasure as you have set a wonderful example of serving and care taking.Your children are supplication daily for you and so do the angles which witness your trials, provided you don’t complain.Imagine all your children would have been handicapped and your husband or you as well. How would you react then?

You should try to talk to your husband and plead for some help perhaps through a nurse, maid or family member to help you with your household cores and specially the 3 disabled children?!Also try to pray your namaaz on time, do your tasbee fatimi after each namaaz and before your go to sleep as this is an adviced remedy and help for mastering your care taking and household cores and health.Try to read as much as quraan as you can. I know is quiet a challenge but Nothing is impossible.Try to read the manzil after fajr and before going to bed and blow it into your water and on your sick children . Do only drink this water and cook only with this water.

Its has been proven to cure even paralyzed children and change d behavior to good .
And too , make dua for your husband and yourself to be able to deal with whatever Allah Ta’al has decreed for you and talk to him in humility about your problems .

After all he is the ruler of the house and in status above you.

He surely suffers too from the situation in the home and cant see his children being in this condition either.
When I look into question it does not appear that he is divorcing you and leaves you and the children all alone or that he violating any point of your rights or the he his mistreating you.

Sister, their could be a bigger problem then having a Co-wife.You could be divorced and all by your by yourself, he could beat the hell out of you, you could be widow in a Syrian refuge camp….There are many Muslim women who need a husband and men have desires too which need to be fulfilled in a lawful way.How can he do this if he cant marry? You want him indulging in zina?Whenever a man takes another wife it DOES NOT MEAN THAT THERE IS ANYTHING WRONG WITH THE FIRST WIFE OR THE HE DOES NOT LOVE HER ANYMORE.The nature of man is different than of women. A man rarely comes out his shell and shows his emotions and talk about his feelings.But understand well that sharia grants superior right to the husband and as long your right of a separate living space( i. e a room with a key), food , 2 sets of clothing during 1 year( 1 in the summer and 1 in the winter) the mehr at the time of marriage are not violated than you have no reason to complain.A man can marry 1, 2, 3 or 4 women all at once or in steps for any reason and does Not need the permission of the wife !Even if he can’t maintain them .The marriage is validThe risq is in Allah’s Ta’ala handsAllah Ta’ala will test Muslims with health, wealth and children.And women in spacial are tested with jealousy as this is their jihaad to fight against jealousy if the husband takes a 2., 3. or 4. wife.Women are by nature jealous and can’t tolerate to share their husband with any other woman be it mother in law or another wife or sister in law, or girls friend..

Please please, this fatwa is killing me. I understand they say is so difficult for husbnad to see his three sick children he wants to live with other wife to rest half time but this mean I am with tham all time and half time alone!! They are his children to…. This fatwa has hurt my soul and I can not believe it is right like this. Why should he be allowed to leave his children it says nowhere in the Quran a husbnad can leave his children half time no? And even if he cant maintain us he can still marry again. I am sorry sisters but I am hating my religion now may ALlah forgive me I am full of hate. /womanwithoutrights

Q&A Why Doesn’t He Believe Me?

imagesDear Fiona,

First I’d like to thank you so much for keeping this blog. I came on the internet a couple of months ago searching for advice. I’m an American woman, and I’ve been married to a muslim man from Quatar for 8 years, I became a muslim revert seven years ago. We have been happy, sure we’ve had our ups and downs like everybody else, but all in all I’ve considered myself very fortunate.

Some months ago, my husband told me he was planning on taking a second wife. He took me out for dinner to one of our favorite places, and dropped the bomb. He obviously wanted me unable to simply blow up, and made sure we were in a public place 😦 I sure did blow up later though and I told him there’s no way I’d accept polygamy.

He left it alone for a while, but I studied him and waited and I could tell he was still thinking about it, and up to something. And sure enough, a couple of weeks later he told me he had already vowed to marry a young woman, a daughter of one of his business associates. I don’t have to describe to you the pain, hurt and anger, you’ve been there. I begged him not to do it, I begged him to show mercy. He told me all the things your husband told you, how this would benefit me, that polygamy is his right, that I must want for my sister what I want for myself, the whole garbage can. I thought I’d divorce him, but somehow I couldn’t bring myself to it. And then the thought festered: why should only he be allowed polygamy? Why couldn’t I use this chance to find some new happiness too? I started reading up, and I came to the same conclusion you have Fiona – if polygyny is allowed, polyandry must be too.

I found a datingsite online for polyandry dating. I was very scared at first, wondering what kind of freaks would hang at a place like that 🙂 And yes, there were some nutcases, but I also met a few really nice men there. One man especially. He’s in the army, and he thinks polyandry would allow him to have a marriage and a happy wife, even if he’s away a lot of the time. He’s a real gentleman, and yes, I’m falling in love with him.

So I told my husband I’ll be getting married again too and become polygamous if he does. He was totally shocked when I told him. He yelled and cussed and raged. Finally, he brought some people over from the masjid to talk sense into me 🙂 Afterwards, he decided not to believe me. Obviously the masjid people told him I’m only trying to frighten him, and women react like this to scare their husbands, trying to prevent them from taking second wives. So they recommended he marry as soon as possible.

So right now, he’s preparing to get married on Friday. He’s trying to be real sweet and loving to me, trying to keep me sweet too. Well, I’ve told him I’ll be getting married on Saturday then. He simply shakes his head and tells me to stop trying to make him change his mind. No matter what I say, he simply won’t believe me.

So it seems like he’ll be getting married on Friday, and I’ll be getting married on Saturday. I wonder when he’ll believe me? When he calls on Saturday to check on me and I’m not there? Or when I’m still not there when he gets back next Friday? I don’t know.

But right now there’s no way I can make him believe I’ll be taking a second husband. I wonder why he doesn’t believe me? //Gina

Problems with Boundaries in Polygamy

7c565-keep-calm-and-you-can-do-it-13I’ve resumed my schedule, which means I’ve been with Mark until yesterday.

I was intensely happy to see how Mark connected with Tamsin. It was love at first sight. And she’s been wonderfully happy in his arms, so I’ve been able to get some sleep in between snacks.. 🙂 I could tell that Mark had decided to make an effort, but that everything changed as soon as he saw Tamsin. He didn’t need to make an effort, he loves her. It’s amazing.

During my first evening with Mark, Graham stopped by once to check up on me and baby, and once to say good night to Tamsin. Mark didn’t say anything at first, but I could tell that he objected. We have always had this rule that after 18.00, my time with one husband would be respected by the other, as long as there’s no emergency. I can understand why Graham didn’t respect that rule now, and he didn’t really come to see me, he came to see his daughter.

But Mark was hurt. We talked about it when we had gone to bed, and he said that he won’t be able to cope if Graham starts interrupting our private time. He says it will be hard enough to handle the situation without having our husband-and-wife time disturbed. I can understand, and I agree – Mark’s rights must be respected. I’ll have to tell Graham this is how it must be.

But how do I tell Graham he can’t visit his daughter when he feels the need?