From a Polygamous Man, and an Answer

800px-Be_stupid_@_AmsterdamBismillaah Ar-Rahmanir-Raheem

 

My desire for polygyny, bi’idhnillaah.

 

I ask that Allaah azza wa jall allow my Sisters in this beautiful deen of Islam to read this with open minds and hearts, while seeking the pleasure of Him, subhannahu wa ta ilaah. Ameen.

OK – I’ll try to keep an open mind.

Firstly, we all know that our guides, Al Quraanwas-Sunnah have provided the Muslims with ample opportunities to show Allaah subhannahu wata ilallah devotion and obedience. For me, aside from many other virtuous acts of ibaadah, I have also chosen polygyny, which is beloved act mentioned by Allaah azza wa jall and practiced by our beloved Prophet sallallaahu alaihi wa sallam; the one whom we as Muslims try insha-Allaah so diligently to mold and shape our lives after. May Allaah azza wa jall have mercy on him, his family, and companions..Ameen! I don’t intent to badger or lecture anyone regarding polygyny, but insha-Allaah my intent to help Sisters to understand the reasons why GOOD Muslim men with GOODintentions choose polygyny, Maasha-Allaah Tabarakallah. Of course you will always have knuckle-heads who abuse this right, but please understand that there are Muslim men out here, like me Maasha-Allaah, who only intends to utilize polygyny for reasons it was intended Insha-Allaah.

Fine, I understand you want us to think of you as a good guy.

Firstly, as previously mentioned, if you study the tafsir of Quraan (via the true scholars of tafsir), one would understand that when Allaah azza wa jall says, “marry two, three, or four…” in Suratal Nisa, He, azza wa jall, is giving instruction to the Muslims, not a suggestion. Allaah azza wa jall says in the same surah, IF you find you cannot be just,……” This word “IF” signifies exception. The scholars of tafsir, past and present, understand this issues; and it is the scholars whom we should understand and learn our religion. If we understand polygyny as being what is instructed or what’s highly preferred by Allaah azza wa jall, then why do we make efforts to not attach ourselves to it???This is the first reason why I personally desire to polygyny..because this is the understanding of those who truly understand the Quraan andSunnah…and Allaah knows best!!

Oh dear, this is just fantastic. 😀 I agree that the word IF signifies an exception. But it just makes it  hilarious the way you yourself leave out the first part of the quote: And if you fear that you will not deal justly with the orphans, then marry those that please you of [other] women, two or three or four. But if you fear that you will not be just, then [marry only] one or those your right hand possesses. Can’t you see that by this alone, you have already proven yourself to be a hypocrite and a liar?

 

Secondly, Islam emphasizes the importance of being of support to our Sisters during their times of struggle, hardship, lack of companionship, maintenance, or security. It also emphasizes taking care of fatherless children. Today, the increase in the number of sisters who are left to raise children is atrotious. Why and how, if I have the means and am willing to maintain, protect, support, love, and guide this sister and her children, be wrong?? I thought we, the Muslims, are a people of community and high spiritual standards??Remember, our standards are not of those who associate partners with Allaah, but that our those who truly seek Allaah’s pleasure. This is my second reason..to be there when my Sisters in Islam need support, insha-Allaah.

You are adding to these women’s suffering by cementing their lives in a state of semiwidows, for the rest of their lives. And you are claiming this helps them? Have mercy on me, the stupidity of men…

Thirdly, my desire for polygyny is to increase the Muslim ummah as well as my lineage insha-Allaah. Due to health and other reasons, many sisters cannot have children., Allaah musta’aan! Typically, most married couples don’t discover the issue of not being able to have children until after they are married. Knowing this, how then will a man be able to have children of his own, to increase his lineage unless he is able to practice “lawful” polygyny.

Just as many men are infertile as women. Are you saying they should marry a second too? Because otherwise, you are just proving yourself to be a hypocrite again.

Fourth, I know many may cringe when they read this, but polygyny for many Muslim men provide a halaal channel for increased sexual energy, which will keep them away from sin. Because some women are unable and even unwilling to “keep up” or maintain a mans “drives”, some men become impatient, as Allaah azza wa jall mentions in Quraan, “men become impatitient when it comes to their sexual drives”. Many women are faced with medical issues that prevent them from routinely satisfying that drive in their husbands. This issue of protection is just as important in many regards as the other reasons for marriage including comfort, security, solace and companionship. “I have not left behind me any fitnah (temptation) more harmful to men than women.” (Bukhaari, 5096; Muslim, 2740). Zinaa, as we all know, in Islam is considered a major sin. If our brothers mention polygyny as being a desire/need, we should understand that for him, he feels the need to remain obedient to his Lord and not fall into the haraam.The purpose of polygyny is not the satisfaction of the animal lusts or going from one woman to another, but it is a necessary solution to keep one safe from grave sin….Allaah musta’aan! Ameen!

 Modern science proves women have just as strong sexual urges as men. So when you leave your wife to become a semiwidow while you’re off fucking other women, you’re actually torturing her. If you find you have much stronger libido than your wife, the best solution is to take on half her chores around the house and with the kids. This will have a double effect, because it’s even more efficient than fasting in making you loose energy for sex, and it will increase her energy and her affection for you. Voila, problem solved!

There are many reasons why a person with good character chooses polygyny: extended family, increase in faith, companionship, security, pleasure, charity, increase in wisdom and self-worth, increase in quality of life when a wife cannot complete the needs of her husband. Whatever the personal reason,polygyny is about getting families together, enjoining what is good and permissible, and forbidding what is haraam. Most of the time, it is not an issue of over-loading and women serving men, but it is an issue of love and sharing; community. Whether each individual’s choice pleases Allaah or not in both cases (monogamy or polygamy), it is question of people’s true intentions and desire to make things work in total honesty and faith. Successful polygyny depends on the efforts, patience and degree of faith of each party involved. It is not in the etiquettes of a Muslim to criticize either a man who desires it or a woman who accepts it, for it is their choice, given by Allaah azza wa jall.Although, most sisters do not declare out loud that, “Polygyny is haraam”, the actions and opinions of many support this statement. When my sisters in Islam demand that the marriage contract include an ‘escape clause’ if the man seeks polygyny, they are essentially stating that polygyny is haraam or even dirty in some sense…. or minimally that that person is unwilling to uphold that sunnah or to give her husband his rights granted by Allaah azza wa jall, which is still extremely undesireable. May Allaah azza wa jall protect us all. Ameen. The same can be said of many of our Sisters who make it impossible, through personal and financial demands, for a husband to marry another (a right Allaah gave all righteous believing men). Yes, these sisters are not prohibiting polygyny for all, just for their husbands. Instead of helping a sister in need, perhaps they are pushing the Sister or her husband to sin. In all cases of seeking to attach ourselves to the sunnah via halaal means, to prohibit that halaal action is a disgraceful in the sight of Allaah azza wa jall….and Allaah knows best.

Well my friend, the financial demands are actually from the sharia, not from the wife. So if you find it problematic that women actually want what’s rightfully theirs, then why are you on about claiming what you believe is your right? ^^ If you don’t like the escape clause – then don’t marry her. Simple! And again, you should read the entire quote about polygamy . as you said, we must heed the all important IF. Not only when it suits us…. And a man is free to abstain from marrying a woman who wants an escape clause. So what’s your problem?

Again, I hope this clarifies some issues regarding a man’s perspective….a good Muslim man with good intentions (Maasha-Allaah), insha-Allaah. Please keep in my Sisters…not all Muslim men mistreat their wives. Not all Muslim men are unjust to their mates. Not all Muslim men abandon their women or leave them penny-less. Not all men abuse or badger their wives. Not all Muslim women demand theirrights OVER giving rights to their wives. Believe it or not, there are Muslim men who have good intentions, who love what Allaah loves and hate what Allaah hates, Maasha-Allaah. There are Muslim men out here who sincerely want to care for another sisters children..to give them love, support, comfort, discipline, and to be an example to them. There are Muslim men out here who identifies the needs of struggling sisters and sincerely wants to be there for them. There are some Muslim men who prefer to give all ofthemselves before they give tothemselves. There are Muslim men out here who want to see our Sisters happy. There are Muslim men out here who wants to provide avenues for a Sister to learn and cultivate her deen. There are Muslim men out here who would never put his hands on his woman. There are Muslim men out here who desires to firmly attach themselves to the Sunnah…and want to support a sister in her efforts to do the same. There are Muslim men out here who want to provide a place of rest and solice for their wives, bi’idhnillaah. May Allaah have mercy on us all. Ameen!

Yeah yeah – I know. There are muslim men out there who only censor Allah, only read half the verses, who want sexual variation for themselves, 25% of a sexlife for their wives, who want to marry 9 year olds and who want to be considered good guys while they’re doing it. We get it.

Sisters…I ask you sincerely, bi’idhnillaah to not throw the towel in on our good Muslim brothers. I ask you to support them in their desire to stay away from the haraam. I humbly ask you to want for your sister what you desire and want for yourself, insha-Allaah. I ask you to imagine yourself in another womans shoes… a woman who not only desires to have a good Mulsim man by her side, but NEEDS the support of a good Muslim man. I ask you to sincerely, in the depths of your ability, to ask Allaah azza wa jall to guide you and to give you the patience needed to overcome your fear and your nafs regarding polygyny, insha-Allaah. Lastly, I ask you to make duah for all those who are challenged with polygyny or may be faced with the potential of polygyny…. and to be a sound ear and advisor to them, inshaAllaah. It could be your kind and supportive words and gestures that may help them to get over that hump, insha-Allaah. I ask Allaah to guide us all to the haqq, to make us stronger Muslims and sincere firm acceptors and followers of the Sunnah. Ameen!

Well then brother, we sincerely ask you to want for your sister what you want for yourself, and to do to your wife what you would have her do to you. A woman not only desires to have a good man by her side, she also wants him to be there at night when the kids are sick, and when there are PTA meetings, and when the chores around the house need to be done, and when she feels up for a snuggle. What she doesn’t need is a man who spends 75% of his time off fucking other women, bringing home STD:s and acari, spending 75% of his money on other women AND who sanctimoniously expects her to consider him a good guy for doing it.

Your Brother in islam!!

As always, Fiona

86 thoughts on “From a Polygamous Man, and an Answer

  1. Welcome and i can agree more on what you said about gender segregation
    //I believe that the segregation of the sexes, that is a part of islam, makes both women and men develop an unhealthy relationship with women as opposed to those who grew up where women are equal to men//

  2. Here is a gem from polygamy 411 website. A muslim woman (screen name Ina) who lives in UK, her husband is going to get married to a second wife in Malaysia. Here are her exact words in a recent comment on polygamy411
    “Hubby said one reason he wants to marry another is variety… I think he gave the analogy of having strawberries and chocolate”

  3. My heart breaks watching the video. The woman is abusing the lady and conveniently hiding her face behind the burqa. I am sure she would be a lot more careful when saying something on camera if her face wasn’t covered.

  4. Wow Fiona! I didn’t know those details about your husband’s illegal wife. So if she and her family plotted together to marry her to your husband just immigration purpose and for easy life then the blame is on all of them. I think they deserve whatever is happening to her. Is Mark
    In my state back home marrying girls to expats for immigration is very common. Sometimes its totally forced on the girl and some girls themselves don’t know better. Actually they are brought up to only be able to think selfishly and about getting married and material comfort as the main goal not education or career. In some cases women/men after getting citizenship have divorced their spouses and married to their gf/bf from back home. Thats why i mentioned that if Mark ever tries to marry her legally and bring her to UK. Once she gets the citizenship then you all will see her true colors.
    This practice of marrying for immigration often fires back. Expats have been scamming families and many women end up abandoned in Punjab. Laws have been made to track down the scammers and also education and awareness campaigns have been going on to prevent families from offering money to expat grooms.

    http://indiatoday.intoday.in/story/punjab-govt-cracks-down-on-nri-grooms-who-abandon-brides/1/198273.html

    http://immigrationguides.com/content/view/295/58/

  5. //She told me I was a silly old cow who couldn’t stand my man wanting to have a young and beautiful girl in his bed. //
    Thats so mean of her. Its obvious that its hard to stand your husband cheating on you but its the meanest thing to say it a wife its like rubbing salt on her wounds. I think heaven and hell is right here on this earth. If you hurt other people you suffer and cannot have any peace of mind and contentment in life.

  6. Memen,
    I hope you are doing ok. Here is what Qur’an says about polygamy
    If ye fear that ye shall not be able to deal justly with the orphans, Marry women of your choice, Two or three or four; but if ye fear that ye shall not be able to deal justly (with them), then only one, or (a captive) that your right hands possess, that will be more suitable, to prevent you from doing injustice.
    —Qur’an, Sura 4 (An-Nisa), Ayah 3[1]
    At first glance, this can be interpreted in many different ways, depending on one’s agenda. However, it is important to understand the verse in context of both the Qur’an as well as the historical context when it was revealed. These Verses were revealed after the Battle of Uhud, in which many Muslim men were killed, leaving widows and orphans. Thus, many argue that these Verses have been revealed “because of God’s concern for the welfare of women and orphans who were left without husbands and fathers who died fighting for the Prophet and for Islam. It is a verse about compassion towards women and their children; it is not about men or their sexuality.”

    In the Hadith collection compiled by al-Bukhari, the historical context of Verse 4:3 is further explained when ‘Ursa narrates

    that he asked ‘Aisha about the Statement of Allah: ‘If you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly with the orphan girls, then marry (other) women of your choice, two or three or four; but if you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly (with them), then only one, or (the captives) that your right hands possess. That will be nearer to prevent you from doing injustice.’ (4.3) ‘Aisha said, “O my nephew! (This Verse has been revealed in connection with) an orphan girl under the guardianship of her guardian who is attracted by her wealth and beauty and intends to marry her with a Mahr less than what other women of her standard deserve. So they (such guardians) have been forbidden to marry them unless they do justice to them and give them their full Mahr, and they are ordered to marry other women instead of them.”
    —Collected by Muhammad al-Bukhari, Sahih al-Bukhari[3]
    source: Wikipedia

    Polygamy was allowed at that time only to take care of orphans and widows after the war. That too only under strict condition that wives get justice. So its not permitted to your husband in current time. Also you clearly do not want it and feel hurt so it will be a big injustice to you as a husband it his duty to be just to wife.

  7. Alexandra, Out of respect for peoples sentiments i don’t say what you said but i too find it hard to believe about all the wives of Prophet and marrying widows, prisoners of war and a child. I understand those were primitive times with tribes fighting with each and little regard for women. BUT isn’t a Gods messenger better than that. I s want all of this to be false because its hard that all the Muslims are following him as an example and all the words said by him as word from God. Any chance that any of this is misinterpreted?

  8. Have you tried asking him why a man who sincerely loves his wife would want to land his wife into this one-sided ‘jihad’ while his own happiness is increased by having multiple women he can sleep with? Money and other responsibilities related to maintaining another woman and a possible family is still far outweighed by the benefit of him getting to have another woman physically and emotionally. He himself admits happiness to him in expense of his first wife. And half time and half resources for her. That is selfishness on his part, not at all yours.

    And nowhere I have seen sharing a husband being called a woman’s jihad and more blessings to a man for marrying more wife. That is pretty much BS actually, especially in today’s world. The best and the most righteous of women in the history of Islamic monotheism either had no husband or were in monogamous marriages. Even according to a Hadith, Prophet Muhammad did not allow Ali to marry another woman because his wife Fatima will have to face trials in her religion. All his daughters were in monogamous marriages. So according to your husband’s argument Prophet Muhammad prevented his daughters’ husbands from having more blessings apparently.

    By the way you could try reasoning with him and even actively preventing him (I don’t even care much whether you are making the halal haram or so, once you are in a polygamous marriage is when a whole lifetime of pain and stress starts, alongside with more responsibilities in taking care of house and family while watching husband happily giving time to another woman and more children). Please let us know how it goes, in your own time.

  9. Has it ever crossed you min that brothers could actually want polygyny from the reasons above, from honest caring and wanting to do good and not from selfishness? My third wife (with who I am very happy Subhanallah) I had never met when I agreed to marry because I was asked by her relatives because she was a divorced woman). I was happy with two wives but I agreed because no woman should have to live alone and. I know many men who have agreed polygamy for the same reason. Dont you think it could be worthy of some respect, in stead of contempt?

  10. Please if anybody could help me I am breaking and I dont know what to do my husband married other two month ago against my wishes we had fight for more than a year over this and he married anyway and I thought maybe I could accept. Now when he is with me I can see he is giddy and happy and falling in love and I can tell you nothing more hurtful is possible to imagine. He CHOSE to connect and fall in love with another woman and he brings this falling in love with him to me I know he cant help it but it is killing me and when I say it is killing me he says Allah doesn’t blame a man for what he cant help but he COULD help it because he CHOSE to connect to this woman and I am going crazy with grief and hurt please HELP

  11. Ok. He wants strawberries and chocolate, even if it means he has to force his wife to drink poison. 😦

  12. Exactly, why can’t this woman stand up for herself and tell him that she too would like strawberries and chocolate not the poison. This lady is living in UK and is working.

  13. //I was happy with two wives but I agreed because no woman should have to live alone and. I know many men who have agreed polygamy for the same reason.//
    I am sorry Zack that you had to marry a widow out of pity for her!
    Its interesting that the only option this lady has were you who already have two wives! All the divorced Muslim men want to marry young unmarried women and some Muslim men are also marrying non-Muslim women. Wouldn’t it be nice if one of those brothers who marry non-Muslimahs would have married your second wife so that she can have the dignity of being the only wife not a wife with a #. And if a divorced Muslim brother would have married this divorced Muslimah instead of marrying a younger unmarried woman. Then there would be no problem for you. You wouldn’t have to take the burden of three women. Muslim men need to understand the problems of brothers like you who had to take responsibility of 3 women!

  14. This man is clearly taking pleasure in your pain and jealousy. If he really loved you he would try to hide his feelings for new wife and wouldn’t say anything being in love with the other. If a man is doing this to you he doesn’t deserve you. You are better off without this kind of man who is enjoying your pain. This is my opinion on your situation. You may feel differently. In either case it wouldn’t hurt to be prepared for your future.
    Which country do you live in (does that country allow polygamy)
    Do you have children (what are child custody laws in your country)
    Are you working

  15. I was thinking the same as Laila. I have seen sometimes men who don’t go for polygyny appreciate other women intentionally or show their attraction towards the women to see the jealousy and annoyance of the wife, and they enjoy the attention. In this case the man didn’t even take permission from you to marry the other wife, and he did so despite clearly knowing how much you are against it. And now he is enjoying the pain and jealousy that you are showing or can’t help showing.

    I agree with Laila to start preparing for the future. He really doesn’t deserve you. There seems to be no emotional support coming from this man, so you can’t trust him anyway with your feelings and self. He is choosing to behave the way he is behaving and using sources to justify himself. I am pretty sure he is enjoying himself in all this. You can wait for the time being if you want to see any possible change, and meanwhile start preparing for the future in case you leave him. And yeah, as Laila asked, do you have children (for the child custody laws), does your country allow polygamy, and are you working?

  16. Dear Sister

    You must make duaa’h and ask help to fight your nafs. Jealousy is natural but also a sin, remember we can only better ourselves with the help of Allah! You can find much comfort in the holy Quran, read An Nisa and know that all we need to know is there: O mankind, fear your Lord, who created you from one soul and created from it its mate and dispersed from both of them many men and women. And fear Allah , through whom you ask one another, and the wombs. Indeed Allah is ever, over you, an Observer. You will find greater comfort in your mariage if you greet your husband with a smile and a beautiful appearance, he will love you more then and your will be safe in his love and not feel threatened by his other wife. If you are humble and smiling and obedient, your home will be where he longs to be Insh’ Allah! And you should not try and find answers here where a kufr woman is living in greatest sin and zina and tries to poison believers against all that is decent and good! La hawla wala quwata illah billah Hil Ilyl Azeem

  17. How can you trust or even dare open any aspect of your heart to a man who chose to ignore you and your wishes, treat your feelings like dirt and forcefully without your permission marry someone else while you are still with him, which is take someone with the exact same status as you?? And after that he still continues to treat your feelings like dirt by intentionally displaying to you how much he is attracted to the other woman and happily falling in love with her? People like you are insane, or using Stockholm’s syndrome to cope up.

    While Ana’s website can give an interesting look into the lives of women living in polygynous marriages, many are trying their best to stay hypocritical to their own feelings, and by oppressing themselves, hence oppressing others as well. Ana has her double opinions in marriage matters, one time saying all marriages apparently are decreed, on the other hand, marrying for lust is against God’s will and such a marriage won’t succeed. She uses each opinion to wherever she wants personally. You seem to do the same.

    From jealousy being a ‘natural’ part of being a woman it has evolved to become a ‘sin’ to you in such a circumstance. And all those book stuff you have quoted, it hardly looks like you are dealing with real life human beings. I think people like you should be jailed for giving this kind of advice and mentality. Sorry. Talk things that are more befitting of human and women rights, particularly in today’s progressed and evolved world. Even in the past I doubt people used such advice.

  18. //I think people like you should be jailed for giving this kind of advice and mentality.//
    AGREE

  19. Dear Mr. Ummavrul (looking at your writing style, and having come to the conclusion that you are male). you said:

    “You must make duaa’h . ….you should not try and find answers here where a kufr woman is living in greatest sin …”

    Having read several of your repetitive messages, it appears that your concept of your own perogative is simple: give instructions to some people, insult the ones that remain uninstructed, leave, and then come back and do the same all over again.

    If you believe that you are QUALIFIED, and ENTITLED to give other people instructions, then I believe that basic ordinary civility is required of you, and that is: reciprocity. This means make some conversational response to some of the contributors here who have taken the time to try to talk to you. While I know this blog isn’t for Huda, at least she responded when spoken to.

    Your reflex to insult the host, and you apparent belief that you can do so with impunity is a perfect example of the hypocrisy of religious people in general.The truth of who they are comes out the other side of their mouth and what passes as religion has nothing at all to do with God.

  20. Hello Mariam, this is re:
    “Ana has her double opinions in marriage matters, one time saying all marriages apparently are decreed, on the other hand, marrying for lust is against God’s will and such a marriage won’t succeed.”

    Yes, I think that is one of the core problems of her outlook, and it is why her blog has gone so stale. The idea that God determines everything is fundamental to most religions. But it is just a beginning idea, and only children actually live in a world where God determines everything. All religions go on to address the fact of opposites, which entails the mysterious role played by free will. When you stop with the idea that everything is prewritten, you eclipse the entire moral problem of adult life. (Additionally, if everything is preordained, then it is just nonsensical to talk the way Ummavrul is talking.)

    Thank you very much for sharing a little of who you are with us the other day. I know it took some deliberation to open up with us, and I would like to reassure you that most people hesitate before letting others know who they are. But it makes conversation more meaningful to know who one is talking to, and I felt very privileged to read a little of your story. Thank you.

  21. I second that. I am grateful, and impressed and impressed by the way people come on the blog and share ideas and experiences in order to reach out to each other. Thank you.

  22. I liken it to being a guest in someone’s home, receiving a welcome and open hospitality, then taking a dump in the middle of their hostess’s living room. That’s exactly what UmmAvrul does with every comment. She (and she IS a she unless it’s a dude pretending to be a woman), takes this to a level of militant crazy.

  23. Hello Dale, thanks for your response. The more I read some of you guys responses, the more I realize how much I have left to seek out. Some questions that arise I tuck away as storage for a time more suitable in the future to bring up somewhere where I hope to find answers.

    Regarding the destiny matter, yes for a lot of us, Muslims or otherwise, it is a difficult concept to understand properly. For us Muslims we do have the concept of destiny (Qadr in Arabic), it is one of the fundamentals of our religion. But we also have free will.

    Apart from that, some say our inner voice as the higher voice from God as the guide. It requires more of personal development and inner purity to recognize this higher voice inside. The pushes within a person to go about a certain way at times, or feeling uncomfortable about something or a decision, are part of this voice. Wanting to be empowered, in a way that is fulfilling for us and also pleasing to God, is part of the inner voice.

    Some also say our instincts are another gift of divine wisdom within. But gaining knowledge and real life wisdom and having inner goodness within are important tools for honing our instincts, instead of simply going with the flow to what feels good to us. Something I am trying to do personally, but still have a long way ahead though.

    I have also been reading about the law of attraction. I have read from sources that God set up the law of attraction in the universe, so what we send out, comes to us. I think this is why many religions teach not to lose faith and to hope and abundance. For example, if a person has a low level mindset about their future relationship with their life partner, which can also depend on their environment, and does not really bother doing much about it, this mindset will propagate further and bring back towards them what they expected. I guess this is one reason why life/love coaches instruct their students to do affirmations everyday to change their mindset of expectations, while also giving them tools to prepare for what they want.

    Okay anyway I won’t speak much about this, since I myself don’t have much knowledge. I also have questions myself which I have tucked away as storage for later. Again, people are free to take what they want from sources and leave what they don’t.

  24. By the way the word ‘UmmAvrul’ in Arabic means ‘mother of Avrul’. Although an internet name is not sufficient to show one’s gender.

  25. Thank you Mariam for the translation. I first thought the name was feminine. Then I read this:

    “You will find greater comfort in your mariage if you greet your husband with a smile and a beautiful appearance,”

    I really didn’t think a woman would talk that way. But who knows.

  26. It sounds a lot like this: “I want to ask the ladies if a husband marries again and again, who is really at fault? The wives must admit that they are at fault because they did not keep their husbands happy. They did not discharge the responsibility that Islam had given them. They did not heed the advice of the psychologists. The most important function of a wife is to provide comfort to her husband. She must be careful about the small things in the daily life, the neglect of which might bring about serious consequences for her. What are the things that create trouble and turmoil for the wife? It is her neglect, her laziness and her lack of understanding that create such troubles for her. It is your own fault that your husband doesn’t appear happy at home, shouts or becomes violent. This is because you don’t look after your husband and children properly; you don’t take care of the house properly. Come morning and the woman is out in the street, and that too without hijab, talking and laughing. In the afternoon the husband returns home only to find a dirty house, a dirty wife and dirty children. There is no trace of any lunch. When faced with this situation, he is forced to consider re-marriage.” 😦

  27. Yeah Fiona, people do try to find all sorts of reasoning as to why a husband will marry a second time, because they know themselves that a second (or later) marriages without divorcing previous wife is unnatural.

    In my country when a man remarries like this, it is usually with an attractive and younger woman, so the husband himself is usually considered to be at fault here because his intentions are obvious.

    In UmmAvrul’s case apparently she does not know that a man still has a free-hand permission to marry more in the society even if he has a great wife. And if he didn’t, then because of some smaller shortcomings on the wife’s part now she has to suffer heavily for the rest of her life. Making amends by the first wife now is not going to change anything, she still has a competitor with whom she shares equal time. At most she can be a favorite wife. The better amend here if possible is to divorce this man and move on, so he can stay ‘happy’ with the ‘better’ woman instead of holding onto both women for their individual qualities and the former wife can find happiness with another man. Unless she is financially and emotionally stuck, or her children needs him as a regular father figure. Then I really feel sorry for her.

  28. Looks like dear Ana went off her meds again…..I didn’t finish reading but she was in rare form. I have to wonder how she reconciles the way she bullies people there about their choices and her adamant position that every single solitary thing we do/say is predetermined anyway. Given her belief in qadr, she should take her hate out on Allah, no?

  29. Hm, something worth reading? I stopped going over there, since it made me so angry the way she’s acting like a muckspreader, pouring dirt over all women who come there looking for comfort… I do wonder however, why women stay after having had Ana unleash her wrath over them…

  30. Not really. It started with her whining about how no one listens to her lessons about free will and such and that she should quit posting and just moderate the blog since she’s wasting her time speaking “truth”. Then that evolved into direct attacks on Ruqqayah and Spirited for their differing views on it. And when she knew she’d taken it a tad too far, and got hit back, she changed the subject, was nice and concilatory, then in her usual passive-aggressive way started a new thread about the topic (Following “lust and desires”). Jesus, if she’s anything like this in real life, I honestly cannot comprehend how Alex deals with her. Good thing he has “C” to go to for half the marriage. She says she’s progressed so well in all these years of living polygyny, but I fail to see it at all. She just redirects her rage at her blog commentors. 10 bucks says Alex is at C’s right now or is on vacation or something with C…he usually is when she cuts loose.

  31. I wish people like Ana would just divorce their husband or at least admit to the wrong that is happening in their lives, such as the mental oppression they are facing. Maybe it is easier to say than do for them. But at least it will save people from being confused by their speech. And this whole idea of her’s regarding people having minimum free will is so wrong and unfamiliar to me. Whatever I grew up with, did not include as such that free will is not a part of our being and everything is pre-destined.

  32. I don’t think even she believes it. How could she, when she lambasts people for their choices…case in point, she let loose on Spirited for staying married to a man who obviously couldn’t give a damn about her, he’s all about his second wife and their baby. Well, if Allah controls everything, then Allah is the one keeping Spirited there “sitting on her @$$” as Ana said, doing nothing about the situation. So why rip up on Spirited, since she isn’t the one in control of her own life? For that matter, why rip into Fiona when she was there, calling her a sperm receptacle, when according to Ana, Allah determined that Fiona would meet and marry Graham? Why bitch and moan about C manipulating the schedule and sending dirty pics and all that? Again, Allah did it, according to Ana’s professed belief that we have no will of our own. She cannot have it both ways.

  33. http://askthescholar.com/question-details.aspx?qstID=9857

    Question Details

    Question:

    Please answer sheikh. I am a married man with children. I have feelings for another women. Why do I have these feelings? Should I persue this other women as polygamy is allowed in islam. Are my feelings for this other person from Allah as a sign that I should marry her. She seems to be a better match for me than my present wife. What does the qur’an mean when it states that men may wish to replace one wife with the other..please advise.

    Answer:

    You are not allowed to get carried by the inclination you feel towards another woman. If we were allowed to act in this way, then there won’t be any family life. So we need to bridle our passions and focus on works that are productive.

    Although polygamy was allowed in Islam, it is not a general permission applicable for all times and places. The Qur’an has already set monogamy as the norm, and hence polygamy is an exception. Allah says, “If you fear that you cannot do justice, then you may marry only one.” Now it behooves us to consider the specific conditions of the modern age. Stresses of life now are so overwhelming that an ordinary individual can hardly rice to meet the challenges of doing justice towards more than one wife. We can never exaggerate the fact that family life involves heavy responsibilities. It demands undivided attention to care for one’s family and the children. Hence, given the conditions of the modern life, undoubtedly monogamy is the ideal to follow.

    So, I urge you to curb this desire and be loyal to your wife.

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