Q&A Polygamy While Husband is in Prison

7c565-keep-calm-and-you-can-do-it-13Fiona Hi!

I found your blog couple of weeks ago and Ive been readin through EVERY post! OMG sister youve been through so much s***t and you took it standin up Im so impressed girl!

Heres my situation. Im married to a man who is doin time. Weve been down this road before cause of some company hes been keepin and it aint no good for him. Hes promised to change now and I believe him cause hes been workin on his deen now on the inside and is a new man i think. Hes cut off the brothers brought him down too mashallah. But he’ll be gone for another six years and I have kids to care for and Im working 2 jobs and life is hard. I love my husband and he loves me. I know the kids and me is what hes living for now and Im not taking that away from him no way.

Theres this brother whos been good to us hes helpe me couple times to keep my boys straight and a few things about the house and such. Hes  a good man and Im feeling things and sos he. And I came here looking for anybody who knows if theres anyway a woman can marry a man even if shes married already like if her husband is away for years and I found your blog. I feel like I must have been given this chance to find a way now! And Ive been talking to the brother and hes also been readin and weve said that it feels ok. My husband and me had a nikka only so me and the brother thought we would get married at the registers. I asked at the masjid and they said no way would they marry us cause polygamy is forbidden for sisters and I aksed them to show me where that says and i told them im willin to give myself to the brother and that makes it legal and they just looked stupid and said thats not how we should read it but I said for sure thats what it says.

So now Im wondering how I should tell my husband. How can I make him accept it and see its permissible and Im not leavin or betrayin him but tryin to save our marriage? And is there anybody else out there doin the same thing? I mean I know a lot of sisters livin with other men while hubz in jail but no official like…. It would mean a lot to me if any other sister is doin it the right way and gettin married and can tell me about it. Thanks yall. //Cessondra

15 thoughts on “Q&A Polygamy While Husband is in Prison

  1. inform your husband before marrying brother. if he is okay go ahead. otherwise get divorce and don’t IMPOSE polyandry on him.

  2. I agree, don’t marry secretly. Talk to your husband to see If he agrees for polygamy. Make sure your future husband understands clearly that you want to stay married to the first. Maybe he is thinking that you are not legally married so it doesn’t matter. He might be planning to convince you to leave your husband. Basically make both men aware of your intentions and be as clear as possible. There is no way you can convince your husband to agree for polygamy if he doesn’t want to do it. Don’t take advantage of his helplessness for being in prison.

  3. I have a question. Do men get physically abusive in such a situation, or do they just feel helpless or agree to it reluctantly like a lot of women do? Because I am afraid since she is a woman, and men have more power in terms of their voice and strength, she might get manipulated in some way to conform to one of the men. I don’t know, just suggesting. Sometimes it does take some emotional toughness to deal with the evident pain of the monogamous partners while the shared spouse is themselves polygamous. Just suggesting.

  4. Please sister remember this is not a muslimah blog. This is a blog from a woman who hates islam you can not take her advice. Your husband has put his trust in you do not fail him. If you can not live without him go and ask humbly for a divorce. Don’t make yourself filthy by adultery, you will regret it and your children will hate you for it. In your husband’s absence you must guard what is his and remember your love for him and for Allah. Adultery is not permitted and a woman can not be married to two men. Don’t be fooled into something that might cost you paradise. Please remember the love and trust your husband feels, remember how he loves the children, remember that now he is dependant on you. Can any person live with it, if you let down the person who loves you and needs you and trusts you! Stay firm in Islam sister and Allah will help.

  5. Please point out the relevant passage in the Quran where it states that women cannot marry two men. Page, verse, sentences. I am truly interested in knowing what you have seen that her experts at the masjid know nothing about.

    On the other hand, Cessondra, if it’s bad for a man to marry a second wife without telling the first wife, it’s just as bad for you to marry a second husband without telling your first husband. Don’t make the same mistake as many men make. Be open, be honest, and be willing to listen to how he feels about the whole thing.

  6. What advice would you give to a man in a similar situation? That if he thinks it is good for him he can go ahead? Why are only the women given advice on preserving the love and trust of a spouse even in difficult circumstances, and if she cannot, she should humbly ask for a divorce? For Western and European countries usually a more gender neutral advice is given. If you want to give advice against polyandry do so only from a more religious point of view. Don’t mix if with social reasoning that you otherwise would not give to a man.

  7. Interesting questions you raise, Jeleena. I especially liked this:
    “Can any person live with it, if you let down the person who loves you and needs you and trusts you!”
    Like, a husband who decides to go behind his wife’s back and grab himself another wife? Think about it – what if the roles were reversed and this lady was the one in prison and her husband was working two jobs trying to raise the kids? I bet you’d be the first cheering him on to go get himself another wife.

  8. Thanks 4 all ur input!
    Yeah the brother who wants to marry me knows Im not leaving my husband and hes fine with it says only that he needs my hubs approvel cause he dont want to watch his back… lol So anyways I visited my hubs and told him all about how i love him and will always be there 4 him and such and were like talking about everything and I tell him about the brother and how much help he is and the difference hes doin to the kids and all and he goes thats fine and I say Ive found out that women too can be polygamous and what do you say if I marry the brother and he can keep the kids straight and help with money and I can quit one job maybe and it’ll mean Ill be faithful to him and all, well I tried to put it all honest and lovin. I cant say he take it very well he was very upset and saying i would shame him with the brothers and I’m a hoe lookin for other men. I tried tell him all about its permissible and he has lots of brothers are polygamous and hes never said anything about that and he says thats different and I say how? Well we argued and he said he wouldn’t stand for it. I said he might have to anyway so we split on bad terms… 😦

  9. Hello Cessondra, I hope things turn out well for you. As a suggestion only, perhaps it wouldn’t be a bad idea to divorce your current husband and marry the other guy. Since you are saying life is difficult working two jobs with raising kids and all, and you have to continue this for the next six years at least. And your current husband doesn’t agree with your decision and says it will embarrass him. Or if you really love you husband you may have to give up the other guy for marriage, if your husband still detests the idea after a long period of thinking. Well anyway, you know your situation better. I hope not to give any wrong advice here.

  10. Cessondra,

    I can not advice you on the point of your post, I will advice you on staying with a man with a secound bid and 6 new years in prison. I will redirect you to a forum, and most likely you will not follow, but I encourage you to read about other women who “did the bid” with men locked up;

    http://www.prisontalk.com/forums/

    There are two subforums I would like you to heed especially;

    Now that your loved one is home;

    http://www.prisontalk.com/forums/forumdisplay.php?f=372

    and

    When the relationship is over;

    http://www.prisontalk.com/forums/forumdisplay.php?f=412

    There is a sentence in your post that raises my hecles and red flags;

    “Hes promised to change now and I believe him cause hes been workin on his deen now on the inside and is a new man i think. Hes cut off the brothers brought him down too mashallah.”

    Of course he has promised to change, what did you expect? That he was pleased with the situation and found it sound to inform you that this is the way he will choose from now on?

    Working on his deen in prison, well.
    Upon entering a prison one must usually choose a “group” to hang with. There is no such thing as a lone wolf in a prison, unless he is in PC/AdSeg for his own protection, and thus locked up 23,5/7;
    http://www.gatestoneinstitute.org/3913/uk-muslim-prison-population

    Did he cut off the brothers who brought him down or was he cut off when he entered prison? The prison is full of brothers who will continue to keep him in the circle he has been in,if they are as bad as him, they end up there too, and believe you me, they are in contact with the brothers on the outside who are still not caught.

    Then there is the financial aspect. You are already struggling financially. It costs to have a family-member in prison. Commisary, phonebills, visit-costs, and you are already juggling and struggling.

    You say you have a good man at hand.
    Well, first you deal with one relationship. Should you really stay with a man who has reoffended and been handed a sentence that is not just a slap on the wrist but must be a serious offence considering the time he was given. Are you willing to provide for him in prison and spend the expence and effort to keep ut a “marriage” with a man who is not capable (in the real sence) to be a father and a husband?
    Are you willing to gamble on the outcome after 6 years with a man who has been institutionalized and spendt his time with other criminals off every walk of life and the uncertainty of their influence on him?
    A man who will have huge problems socialising normally, who has lost touch with society and technology and will have to be “trained up again”. A man who most likely will wish to “fly high” after being locked down for so long.
    A man with a record and no work-experience in an already tight employment-market, he will be a financial burden on you long after he is out of prison.

    “I love him.”
    Well, love is all very well and good, but if he truely loved you and your children, he would have walked away from “the brothers who brought him down”.
    You are blaming them, but he is solely responsible for his reoccuring actions, not his “brothers from another mother”.

    Analyze this, and by all means, gamble the next 6 years of your life away waiting for a man who will be changed when he is out, but how you will not know untill after he is out, and then it is too late to turn around, the years are gone.

    I would never, with the staggering odds against a positive outcome, bet on such a relationship and so many years of mine and my kids life, never!

    I really do hope you get things sorted out for you and that you and yours will have a happy and productive life.

    Best of wishes, Alex.

  11. Thank you Alex. You provided the kind of answer I had neither the experience nor the knowledge to be able to put forth. I hope the OP reads and considers!

  12. Well said, Alex.

    I was a member of Prisontalk until a good 10 or so years ago when my ex (not the current ex, previous ex) was down for 8 1/2 years. I haven’t been there in ages. My ex is out now, and we’re on good terms. But I can speak from firsthand experience that taking that ride (sitting out here holding down the family) is not an easy one. I didn’t care much for Prisontalk in some ways. FedEx was kind of a jerk sometimes. I found another group, InmatesoftheInvisibleCell.com which was awesome. I’m still friends on FB with many of the folks from that group. I’m not sure if that board still exists though.

    Alex, you are very knowledgeable about the life of a prisoner’s wife and what inmates go through while inside. I’m glad you’re here and can offer advice to Cessondra.

  13. Good advice mashallah sis Alex,
    Yeah I know about the sites and visit sometimes also have facebookgroups to support families. I can believe its hard to trust a man who say hes better and wont be in no more trouble but I believe him this time cause he didnt want to do this in the first place but had to cause he owed the wrong people money… Anyways I cant leave him now when he say Im whats keeping him from breakin down and I dont want my kids to be without their dad too many kids like that around none of them any happier for it if you know what I mean. And this brother now hes willing to mary me even though I have a hubs already and say its ok by him and hell care for the kids and all. I mean not many men would do that and he say he loves me and Im tired of bein alone. I wont do it if hubs refuse but Ive decided I’ll try talkin to him over again.

  14. @ Jeleena

    Even though the topic is serious, very serious I just had a very good laugh. So a “believing woman” will talk to a woman’s conscience, whereas the woman has real interest in finding a father to help bring up her children, for herself as a partner because her own husband chose to engage in crime and risked leaving wife and children alone, to consider her husband “puts faith in her”, and she should not let him down? I would see an ounce of legitimacy in these words if she were not such a hypocrite to very, very likely represent a man can go out and marry a second wife just like that. For pleasure. With no legit reason, like, having no one to bring up the boys because the wife got criminal and jailed. Laughable what religion does to minds. Actually, laughter gets stuck in the throat. Because these attitudes make substantial numbers of people lead miserable lives.

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