Dear Fiona and everybody,
I’m an American revert. I married my husband 22 years ago – gee where did those years go?! Anyway, when I married my husband I decided I wouldn’t opt for a Non-polygamy contract. I thought que sera sera, I must put my fate in Allah’s hands. So I did.
We had a very happy marriage, and I have been blessed with three children, two daughters and a son.
9 years ago, my husband told me he wanted to marry a second wife. I wasn’t prepared for that but I did my best to accept it. It was painful, I agree, but my experience was nothing like yours Fiona. My husband didn’t lie to me, and I have accepted that polygamy is permissible, It took some time, but we adjusted. My co lives just down the road and my husband has done a great job at being fair, and being a present husband and father.
But still there’s a problem. A huge problem. And one I’ve never seen talked about.
I am a plastic surgeon, I attended one of the TOP universities and I have always done everything I could to make sure my children get the best education. They’re all A-students, and my eldest daughter is going to MIT in the fall. I am sooo happy.
Anyway. My co is also a revert. She’s obviously younger than me. She worked at TGIF:s when my husband married her, she has no education at all.
My husband has three children with my co, AND she’s currently pregnant with nr 4. The two eldest both have Asperger’s. The youngest boy has ADHD, and may be bipolar – he’s too young to be diagnosed.
My husband is working himself to the bone to take care of these children, while still being a full time dad to our kids. Obviously his children by her have a lot more needs than my children.
He loves all his children, but once when he was feeling exhausted and sad he let slip that he regrets having tapped into such a bad gene pool by marrying nr 2. He asked her to go on the pill after the second child , but she refuses and since children are her right he can’t do anything about it. And now she’s pregnant again. My husband is becoming depressed. Not just sad and overworked, no we’re talking real depression. There is simply not enough of him to go around. Nr 2 can’t cope on her own. The children have fits and attacks and the eldest boy is strong and she can’t manage. Medication is really expensive, and so is tuition.
My husband regrets having married her, but he doesn’t say that. I can just tell from the way he is breaking down.
Now he’s asked me to help financially, maybe by paying for our daughter’s fees, what’s not covered by her scholarship.
I don’t know what to do. Maybe I should help. Maybe I should give even more of my time to my co than I already do.
But this situation is not of my doing. I upheld my part of the bargain, am I being unreasonable if I demand he upholds his? 😦
I know that comparing his children is hurtful to him. I also know that he does compare, all the time. Why is this never talked about? Of course, a man who marries “down” (sorry, but I’m trying to be truthful here) will take the risk to have children who are less well brought up, less intelligent. And in polygamy, it becomes painfully obvious.
Do men think about this? I know my husband has ruined his life and is regretting it. I know he knows his choice of second wife is the source of this. And comparing, regretting has become a huge part of his life.
Why is there no talk about this ever? Why doesn’t anybody talk openly about the difference between children of the same man in polygamy when he marries two women of very different talents? Why aren’t men warned? //Bea
And what should I do? ❤