Q&A An Unmentionable Aspect of Polygamy – Why Can’t We Be Honest About This?

By: D S Pruitt

By: D S Pruitt

Question:

Dear Fiona and everybody,

I’m an American revert. I married my husband 22 years ago – gee where did those years go?! Anyway, when I married my husband I decided I wouldn’t opt for a Non-polygamy contract. I thought que sera sera, I must put my fate in Allah’s hands. So I did.

We had a very happy marriage, and I have been blessed with three children, two daughters and a son.

9 years ago, my husband told me he wanted to marry a second wife. I wasn’t prepared for that but I did my best to accept it. It was painful, I agree, but my experience was nothing like yours Fiona. My husband didn’t lie to me, and I have accepted that polygamy is permissible, It took some time, but we adjusted. My co lives just down the road and my husband has done a great job at being fair, and being a present husband and father.

But still there’s a problem. A huge problem. And one I’ve never seen talked about.

I am a plastic surgeon, I attended one of the TOP universities and I have always done everything I could to make sure my children get the best education. They’re all A-students, and my eldest daughter is going to MIT in the fall. I am sooo happy.

Anyway. My co is also a revert. She’s obviously younger than me. She worked at TGIF:s when my husband married her, she has no education at all.

My husband has three children with my co, AND she’s currently pregnant with nr 4. The two eldest both have Asperger’s. The youngest boy has ADHD, and may be bipolar – he’s too young to be diagnosed.

My husband is working himself to the bone to take care of these children, while still being a full time dad to our kids. Obviously his children by her have a lot more needs than my children.

He loves all his children, but once when he was feeling exhausted and sad he let slip that he regrets having tapped into such a bad gene pool by marrying nr 2. He asked her to go on the pill after the second child , but she refuses and since children are her right he can’t do anything about it. And now she’s pregnant again. My husband is becoming depressed. Not just sad and overworked, no we’re talking real depression. There is simply not enough of him to go around. Nr 2 can’t cope on her own. The children have fits and attacks and the eldest boy is strong and she can’t manage. Medication is really expensive, and so is tuition.

My husband regrets having married her, but he doesn’t say that. I can just tell from the way he is breaking down.

Now he’s asked me to help financially, maybe by paying for our daughter’s fees, what’s not covered by her scholarship.

I don’t know what to do. Maybe I should help. Maybe I should give even more of my time to my co than I already do.

But this situation is not of my doing. I upheld my part of the bargain, am I being unreasonable if I demand he upholds his? 😦

I know that comparing his children is hurtful to him. I also know that he does compare, all the time. Why is this never talked about? Of course, a man who marries “down” (sorry, but I’m trying to be truthful here) will take the risk to have children who are less well brought up, less intelligent. And in polygamy, it becomes painfully obvious.

Do men think about this? I know my husband has ruined his life and is regretting it. I know he knows his choice of second wife is the source of this. And comparing, regretting has become a huge part of his life.

Why is there no talk about this ever? Why doesn’t anybody talk openly about the difference between children of the same man in polygamy when he marries two women of very different talents? Why aren’t men warned? //Bea

And what should I do? ❤

88 thoughts on “Q&A An Unmentionable Aspect of Polygamy – Why Can’t We Be Honest About This?

  1. About the video link posted above: I apologize to all readers who are unable to understand the language. i wasn’t able to find subtitles. The gist of the poem is that People from Indian side of border are sending “Salaam” (greeting) to other side of the border and tell them that we wish for your well being every day. There are rivers that we share that flow on both side, consider those waters flowing from this side to other side as bringing the message of love and peace.

  2. @ Laila,

    Naw, I’m not Kashmiri, by birth anyway. I was mistaken for a native Kashmiri countless times when I was there, though LOL…many folks say I have the right features (if my hair is covered, anyway, my hair is mousy brown). Actually my ex is Kashmiri. Born and raised there. The happiest time of our marriage was when we lived in Kashmir and I miss it so much my heart just aches. I’m 100% US citizen with Irish/British/Native American blood and live in the upper Midwest. I talk like one of the characters in the movie “Fargo” or “New in Town”, much to my chagrin! My Urdu is atrocious and Kashmir has its own language as well which is completely beautiful to hear and completely impossible to learn/speak/pronounce if you’re not from there!

  3. Oh and Laila – about separatists and inciting protests and such…do not believe everything you hear or read about that. I witnessed countless incidents of attempted “fake encounters” between CRPF and young civilian men doing nothing more than having a footie game or playing cricket in a vacant lot. BSF murdered a young neighbor of mine in cold blood in early 2010 (one of the precursors to the summer of blood that year). I also have a nephew-in-law who was kidnapped by the Indian Army (my ex’s sister’s son). A kind sabzi walla helped him escape. He has terrible PTSD all these years later but has been getting help for it once it was understood what his condition is and where it came from.
    I have no love for the Islamists in the area issuing fatwas and trying to communalize Kashmir and turn it into some sort of independent “Islamic republic” – one of the beauties of the valley is in its diversity. Contrary to what people believe, there is a very healthy population of Hindus (Pandits), Buddhists, Christians, Sunni Muslims, Shia Muslims, Sufi Muslims and a great many Sikhs all cohabitating quite nicely in a small geographical area.
    I also have no love for the robotic intonations that Kashmir “is an integral part” of India, when the fact is, the Articles of Accession are NOT complete, it is NOT an integral part of India but rather a disputed area, and militarily occupied one at that. Not much different really than Israel/Palestine.

  4. Bea,
    It must be not be easy to read negative responses to what is obviously a painful situation. Polygamy is a sore point for many of the contributors here, and it is normal for any reader to respond accordingly. I’m still thinking about your post, because it bothers me.

    You said: “I have accepted that polygamy is permissible” .Speaking as a non-religious person, I would like to point out that the Grand Wizard permits EVERYTHING. But as it stands, most of EVERYTHING is unwise. In consequence, we select and do very few of things that are available to us to do. I have never heard a Muslimah demonstrate where the Qur’an says that women are REQUIRED to accept polygamy.

    You also said: “why aren’t men warned?”. Is your husband’s responsibility for his choices located outside of himself? I assume he is a born Muslim since you didn’t say he was a revert, as you and your co-wife are. I thought “warning” was what religion was for? And from what I understand, cautionary parameters of polygamy are stated clearly in the Qur’an.

    I do not believe the IQ assessment. You are telling me your husband chose a woman with subnormal intelligence for her looks? Who has the IQ of 71? Sorry for the sarcasm. But Bea, I’ve read enough of these histories to know, that if this weren’t your story as you understand it, it would be a different one, and it would be equally painful and full of “what ifs”.

  5. Maybe I am misunderstanding what Bea’s husband has asked for, but it sounds like he is not asking to take away from Bea’s maintenance, but instead is asking for Bea to help pay for part of their daughters college fees. In my book – that is not part of the families maintenance, but instead is totally gravy. Since, I am not Muslim, maybe I don’t know all the rules, does it say somewhere in the Quran a father is responsible to pay for the children’s college as part of his maintenance for them? Bea paying for the daughter’s college fees is not helping the husband, it’s helping the daughter, IMHO. But if she doesn’t want to pay for them, maybe her daughter can work over the summer months and earn the money to pay part of her own way in college. Since she is entering adulthood, it would not hurt her (and actually might be beneficial) for her to start taking on some adult responsibilities for herself.

    The one thing that bothers me the most about these kinds of questions is the short sighted and selfish level of thinking that goes on in these marriages. Instead of working on the marriage out of love – it becomes more of a competition about “rights”. The husbands rights, the wives rights, everyone has rights. It seems to me that if Muslim polygamy is all about religion – i.e, making one’s self better, loving others, and pleasing God, etc., etc., that one would try to focus themselves on doing all they could to do those things – and not just fulfill the “minimum” requirements. I get that many people are not following their religions true teachings, but instead are using the religions to justify doing things they want to do and then attaching the name of God to it to make themselves feel better and righteous. But it’s not just the husbands doing this when they enter polygamy, it’s also the woman who stay in the polygamous marriage or become subsequent wives – and then make it a big competition over rights and requirements.

    Bea – do you love your husband? Did you accept polygamy because of your love for your husband and because of your true religious beliefs? If so then why not base your decisions on how to handle this situation based on both of those things – and maybe even go the extra mile while you are at it. I understand that polygamy is not what you wanted – yet it is something you agreed too – and are continuing to agree to by staying in the marriage now. The fact is that there is no going back – your husband has already married another woman and created 4 more children with her. They are alive and are going nowhere – whether he has regrets or not. Do you get satisfaction out of seeing your husband being depressed, will you feel better if his “mistake” causes him to have a major breakdown? Why not help out in ways that you can – out of human goodness and kindness and out of a desire to make the best of this situation, one that already exists, that you agreed to and are agreeing to be a part of. Make the best of it – and if it is in your power do even more to make it better – not only for your self, but for your husband, for the other woman, and especially for all of the innocent children – yours and hers. Sitting back and watching your husband break under the pressure is just heartless – even if he did bring this on himself and on you. A broken husband is going to do no-one any good, and will be hurtful to all involved – including and especially the innocent children.

    Besides, God loves the other woman and her children just as much as He loves you and your children. And further more – who do you think gave you your gift of intelligence so that you could go a little further in this life? In my mind, where more is given, more should be returned. So instead of looking at your situation from the point of view of “what are my rights and my minimum responsibilities in a situation I didn’t want or create?” – why don’t you ask yourself these important questions – “What would God want me to do in this situation – and what does my love in my heart for my husband tell me to do in this situation?” And if you want to go the extra mile or two, maybe you could even do a little more financially to help ease your husband’s burdens and help his other struggling family, since you have been so richly blessed by God with “intelligence”, education, and wealth.

    Even as much as Fiona despised her co – in the past she found enough love in her heart for Mark to help pay for him to go visit his 2nd – and she is not even religious. Don’t look at helping your husband as giving up your rights – look at it as doing a good thing for the right reasons!

  6. Thank you Saad for your responses here. I have about similar opinions to you. I am a born Muslim myself raised in Dubai, so when I saw a lot of things being talked in this blog on women’s rights and human rights, it astounded me as well. Some traditional interpretation of Islam are indeed oppressive, which I am figuring out myself. Looking for various interpretations of the Quran too and going with the one which makes the most sense to me inside. And yeah, beyond the Quran itself, I am much more careful about the fatwas and also some Hadith, because we don’t have a guarantee on their authenticity. Anyway, I also said earlier that there needs to be more laws in Shariah court which are moulded or added to fit people’s human rights according to modern society, instead of just verbally talking sweet and the people later getting busted in Shariah court.

  7. i have gone through the link you posted what is the point of all this Fiona? not talking about the writer she is quiet explicit in her writing but what do YOU want to say? do you agree with all of this?

  8. it is a sick article and worst of it is.
    “Being an incomplete female, the male spends his life attempting to complete himself, to become female. He attempts to do this by constantly seeking out, fraternizing with and trying to live through an fuse with the female, and by claiming as his own all female characteristics — emotional strength and independence, forcefulness, dynamism, decisiveness, coolness, objectivity, assertiveness, courage, integrity, vitality, intensity, depth of character, grooviness, etc — and projecting onto women all male traits — vanity, frivolity, triviality, weakness, etc.”
    SICK

  9. I was thinking that for sikhs division of Punjab was unacceptable. one of my sikh friend was telling me that Punjab is like Mecca/Medina for sikhs. So i thought maybe Indian punjabis hate Pakistan more. I am glad you clarified that. b/w poem was cool.

    //Ofcourse we are disappointed that every time its India extending a hand of friendship and then things like Kargil happen.//
    Laila this is what indian media portrays India being self righteous and doing the right thing (remember 71′). I will not go into detail but India is playing games in Pakistan too. In India Pak geo politics no one has a higher moral ground. Anyone would be naive thinking otherwise.

  10. The text is satirical. It stems from the pain of a subjected woman. A feminist Malcolm X. I think the text is interesting. I have seen islamist texts about women, just as violently hateful. The only difference is, they’re for real.. This text highlights what genderracism and hate looks like. Solanas was ironic. Islamists aren’t.
    That’s why I thought you might find it an interesting read, once you started talking about male/female domination.

  11. I believe the Cairo declaration of humans rights shows clearly that there will never be any human rights for women in sharia courts. 😦

  12. Thanks Mary! Yes, in the end it has to be about being humane, a decent human being. I have said it before and will keep on saying it: All religions teach that we should do unto others what we would have them do unto us. If people would live by that rule, the world would be a better place. And polygamy would be close to extinct since only very few of the people who now make their partners share them would agree to share themselves. On another note – Hi Mary – good to see you again!!

  13. I think people in polygamy must learn to question everything they’re told about “the other”. There is no such thing as the complete truth in polygamy.

  14. Maryam. i don’t take fatwas seriously. so i didn’t bother to respond some of Fiona’s comments. Because i can’t relate my beliefs with those interpretations.
    Ali shariati once said, sharia is changing rules for changing time and unchanged rules for unchanged time.

  15. What about “Therefore the righteous women are devoutly obedient”? What about “And beat them”? Can’t you see that the other problems stem from there?

  16. okay let me share what i know, perspective of Quran. And it will not go down your throat well i can promise you that. more over it will be a long post because their is no short answer in YES/NO.

    first let me comment on this “Therefore the righteous women are devoutly obedient”? obedient to who? father? mother? brother? sister? daughter? husband? son?
    this verse is related to WIVES obedient to HUSBANDS and not WOMEN obedient to MEN. so first make a distinction here. i am obedient to my mother and my elder sister as well. and interestingly my elder sister used to teach me or help me in my studies. and last time she slapped me i was 17 years old at that time i didn’t think like a Female(my sister) is beating a male(yours truly 😉 ).
    i know according to your culture every body should respect each others individuality so i don’t need to be obedient of my elders (mother or sister). but that is your culture not mine.

    let us move forward. the fundamental premise on which Islam has based these norms and principles is that the ‘INSTITUTION OF FAMILY’ is the basic unit of a society since it is the NEED of every individual if his life is viewed as a whole. A man and a woman enter into a marital bond to form this institution in ISLAM. Most social directives of Islam are given to safeguard this institution.

    Reason why Islam views marriage as an institution and not just a romance of two individuals is because, It sees Human’s entire life not Just his Adulthood (where he is able to to do what ever he wants).
    Each individual passes the first half of his life in transforming from a child to a mature adult and the second half in transforming from a mature adult to an old person. In the greater part of the first period, he needs the love and affection of his parents. As an infant ‘ewling and puking in the nurse’s arms’, his meek and helpless existence need the love and affection of a mother and a father. It is only proper parental care which makes him feel secure and confident. Since parents are the first seat of learning, the base they build in molding his character and in instructing him plays a vital role in the later part of his life.

    In the second phase of life, an individual advances from the exuberant years of youth to the haggard years of old age. It is now that he needs the love and protection of his grown up children. In this state of ‘second childishness and mere oblivion’, which is ‘sans teeth, sans eyes, sans taste, sans everything’, it is only the set up of a family which can properly support him. Without such a support, old age is the worst form of affliction. None except the children have a strong attachment to their parents. It is this attachment which urges them to return in some form the support and affection they had once received from their parents.

    Besides these primary relationships, the secondary relationships like maternal aunts and uncles and paternal aunts, cousin brothers and cousin sisters, nieces and nephews perform in a wider perspective the same function as the primary ones. The components of a family thus constitute a small community which if administered properly by the head of the family makes the basic unit of a healthy society.
    Islam, therefore, has always insisted that the institution of family is the basic building block of the society and it is in the interest of humanity to adhere to a family-oriented society. Consequently, it has given a number of directives for the protection and preservation of the family.

    TO BE CONTINUED*

  17. EPISODE # 02

    Now since Islam views marriage as an INSTITUTION and not just a romance of two individuals. Like every Institution has a ‘HEAD’ for managerial purposes, institution of marriage has ‘HEAD’ too and it is HUSBAND because he has the responsibility to provide and he will be judged in ALLAH’s court in after life. (For believers Allah has decided this but you can say it is not enough reason to make him head, than we will have to establish on what basis head will be decided).

    And like other Institutions, you have to conform to the rules of institution. does not matter if you are male or female and head of institution is male or female you have to follow him. so it is no more the matter of gender. No one is SUPERIOR to other here, they just have different responsibilities to perform.

    If you feel that all of this does not resonate with you NO PROBLEM Islam is not for you. It is only for BELIEVERS not for Muslims+ Non Muslims.

  18. 🙂 I’d say you are wrong, and you are pointing to one of the major problems with islam. Where does it say that a wife should obey her husband?? It says she should be obedient. But to whom? You should read this: http://musfem.wordpress.com/2011/04/19/obedient-women-and-wife-beating-by-zuhura/ But most people make the same mistake you do – they buy the interpretations of men instead of looking at what it really says, just like the suras on polygamy. So brother, you’re reading the texts only to confirm your own beliefs, not to question them! And – there is NO law of nature to say that an institution must be ruled by ONE person. Nope. Quite the opposite. Even the Romans knew it took TWO consuls to safeguard the Republic against Tyranny!!!! And separation of powers is basic to all theory of democracy and is essential to the upholding of human rights!!! So, please – try to look at your arguments from the outside, and see if you can alter your perspective.

    And btw, you say you have been obeying your mother and your sister. Fine. Are you looking forward to coming of age, being a man, making your own decision, taking responsibility like a grown up? Bet you do. Then what kind of God do you believe in if you claim that half of all people should be denied EVER having the privilege of being equals, free, grown up and not subject to another person in their every day life? What kind of God would prescribe such bondage to half of all people, just based on their sex? if you claim that this is right, you might as well defend the institution of slavery, because you argument is basically the same that white supremacists in the USA used to defend slavery. I’m sorry if that doesn’t go down well with you.

  19. Mary:
    “Even as much as Fiona despised her co – in the past she found enough love in her heart for Mark to help pay for him to go visit his 2nd”

    Yes and I wanted to sprout wings go across the pond and throttle Fiona for doing that. Fortunately I had gardening to do.

  20. My husband’s family is in UAE. Her family are in a trailerpark somewhere, and they are not muslim, and not condoning her choices. This at least is what my husband has told me, as some here have pointed out he may be lying to me. Although I can’t say he ever has, as far as I know. As far as Asperger goes, my husband supports the US Autism & Asperger ass in their disagreement with the new standards. Please read here if you are interested http://www.usautism.org/usaaa_position_dsm5.htm I agree too, and that’s why we still rely on the Asperger diagnosis. My husband and his nr 2 are getting aid and support, but not nearly enough. Of course, their marriage not being legal in the US makes it more difficult for my husband to act on her behalf. He is also not legally the father of the children, because where we live it could have started a legal process about his marriage status and maybe a bigamy charge. I don’t blame anybody. But I don’t see why It should be my responsibility to help out. When my husband chose polygamy, I was very unhappy about it but he claimed it as his RIGHT and I had to give in, but I was clear then that I would hold him to my RIGHTS. And equal division of money is a basic RIGHT. Not between children but between wives. So what she gets, I get – and the other way around. He has to spend equally on his families. It doesn’t say that he can give her family more. And it doesn’t say that I must spend on my daughter so he can spend on his second family. I have tried to help, I have given up a lot of my time. But I’m not willing to give up any more. And yes I admit that his suffering gives me some satisfaction. He made the bed, now he must sleep in it. But I have hunted high and low for any writing on polygamy and this kind of situation with children with special needs, the legal situation, equality and justice between wives when their needs and possibilities are so different. Why don’t we talk openly about this in the muslim community?

  21. Laila,

    Watching the video you posted. I love it ❤ I understand a few words and can get the gist of it without subtitles (watching a ton of Bollywood movies has helped over the years LOL)….speaking of, one of my favorite Bollywood movies of all time is Veer-Zaara. Makes me cry every single time I watch it.
    The music, the words and singing in this video you posted are so beautiful it really makes my heart ache. My ex romanced me in the early days with music from the subcontinent. I still know every word of "Dil De Diya Hai" 🙂 So watching these songs and hearing the language put into music is really bittersweet for me.

  22. beautifully explained! Ahmed Ali’s translation and commentary is waaay better. i never came across it before. Thank U for sharing.
    by the way how would you tell what the text says? humans will interpret the text as Ahmed Ali is not God he is human too? so how can you say that this is the right translation? though his interpretation makes more sense to me.
    You can have problems with muslims, but what is your problem with ISLAM if you think this is the right translation?

  23. Great reply Mary! Nice to see some good-hearted reply lol. I also agree with Fiona here, that if people actually practised the good being taught in their religion, which pretty much covers a lot of the religion itself, and did onto others what they would want for themselves, polygamy would be close to extinct since very few people would want to share their partner like they make their partner share them. It is good to receive compassionate advice.

  24. //And btw, you say you have been obeying your mother and your sister. Fine. Are you looking forward to coming of age, being a man, making your own decision, taking responsibility like a grown up?//
    obeying elders doesn’t mean you should do what ever they say. i am a grown up and i respect them.

    // if you claim that this is right, you might as well defend the institution of slavery, because you argument is basically the same that white supremacists in the USA used to defend slavery.//
    i claim nothing. i know nothing, so i am always open to new ideas. today i came across a different and better interpretation of Quran (thanks to you) so i take my words back.

  25. I found it very interesting too, glad you liked it. 🙂 As for interpretations, I can only say that it would be impossible for me to believe in a god who’d give different rights to different people or peoples. It would be impossible for me to believe in a god who would condemn you for the person you love, or for showing yourself the way you were created, or for wearing nailpolish while you wash, or for wearing socks the wrong way, or for harvesting on a Sunday or for planting rye and barley side by side. In my mind, there can be no such god, for such a god would be no god. So I can not accept any interpretation that would try to turn god into such a god. 🙂 My problems with islam is that it portrays god as exactly such a “god”.

  26. You impress me Saad! Not only by being intelligent and compassionate, but by being strong enough to change your opinion. It makes me happy. I consider it a good omen, now when I’m about to bring new life into this world. Thank god maternity wards have wifi nowadays 🙂

  27. OMG Fiona are you in labor? At hospital? SQUEE!!!!! I’ll be lighting a candle this morning for you and the baby and a safe, healthy delivery. Best wishes to you all!!!!
    *runs around excitedly* I love becoming a blog auntie 😀

  28. Or a Fairy Godmother 🙂 I’m being carefully monitored right now, because the contractions are building. OMG – I had forgotten the feeling… Gee. Euripides was right when he wrote that it’s preferable by far to go to 1000 battles than once to the birthing bed 😉 Honestly, I think Graham is more nervous than I am. He’s reading aloud to take my mind off things, and is right now half through Cosmopolitans advice on how to make your skin glow…

  29. LMAO!
    Well I got the same kind of response from others when I shared my income tax refund with #2 last year. Only a few hundred dollars, and I could afford it, and she was in dire financial straits. I made more than my husband and we filed jointly so technically the money was ours, not only mine, but we got a big refund in part because of MY biological children. I didn’t see any real reason not to share a little of it; I may have not liked the woman and the feeling was mutual, but I didn’t want to see her and her daughter evicted or something.

  30. Fairy Godmother? I’ll take that LOL!
    Honestly, I’ve given birth 5 times, 4 of those without painkillers. I have a pretty high pain threshold I guess, but I will say this – I have an problem back molar tooth that flares up from time to time (been waiting for my dental insurance at work to kick in and I’m stubborn about it) and I’d take the pain of childbirth over this toothache any day of the week.
    However, it hurts. And the last one, delivered when I was in my mid-thirties fifteen years ago, was by far the worst. I thought I was going to die after 14 hours of labor. I was screaming for drugs, an epidural, anything. Problem was, by the time I got around to screaming, it was too late and kiddo was well on his way out 😛 I got drugs with my first daughter because the labor took 36 hours of hell and I needed rest.

  31. I think the battle of the rights begin from the day the husband tells his first wife about his right to marry another, and later goes ahead with it. When the wife’s feelings and needs are dismissed for his right, it gets difficult for the wife to show compassion for his feelings and circumstances in turn for her right.

  32. Hie Bea!!

    Since the whole concept about polygamy doesn’t makes any sense without taking religion into picture; with the same consideration- his marriage to nr. 2, children , duties and responsibilities have got nothing to do with you unless it disturbs your rights, your marriage and your family…

    warn your Husband that that family is his problem so he should stop finding its solution with this family also he has no right to bring that marriage issues at your home. It is simply disturbing your marriage and family atmosphere and he should be a man to handle both families as devotedly as he stick to his decision to remarry. you and your children are not meant to pay the cost of his lust though your marriage to him is paying already….

    Question him if you must give up your time and you should help him financially which is your right then is there anything left for you to stay married to him? what for then you need him- giving encouragement while he regrets and is depressed being married to her though he enjoyed every moment of it when it was immensely painful to you?

    His nr. 2 is so concerned about her rights that instead of taking care of her own children who are needy she is producing more then why are you so concerned about the other family that you are required to give up your rights so that she can take undue advantages of her rights. Is it fair?

    Also tell your Husband He should be able to compartmentalize and his time with you is meant for you and your children. And if he is unable to do that he should be able to decide whether he is capable of being polygamous or not? If not, then he should choose whom he wants? He has already taken many decisions, now you should be the one to decide about your marriage since you are clearly seeing important aspects of his decisions…

    ask yourself and him, if you have to take care of his problems due to other marriage and fulfill children needs then can he give any genuine reason that makes him is worthy of all that you are enduring and have been through just for him?

    also men question your faith when you are in immense pain due to his #2 marriage, tell him that why can’t it be a test for him now from Allah??

    stay very rigid and straight with regard to your time and money, is other wife weighs her rights over her children’s needs that’s not your problem, don’t let it interfere with your marriage and family.

    He himself has stated and chosen 9 years ago that he is capable of taking care of two wives and separate families so now let him prove that..

    Also when he married second he himself proved that he is emotionally so strong that he doesn’t needs a friend and partner with whom he can share his everything, feelings and burdens, so let him stick to it…

    Lots of love

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