Q&A How to Deal with Angry First Wife?

495px-The_DrunkQuestion:

A saalamu alaikum,

I am a second wife. I became married to my husband more then a year ago. He asked me from my father and I agree since he is a good man who is known among people to be upright and just. He is also handsom and I could see myself love him. We knew he is married already and my father asked if the other wife consent and he says yes but not with happiness. But she agreed in writing and I married our husband. The problem begins right away when she calls and calls and screams and ruins our seven days together and I say he should go to her and I give up the last two days and he goes to her. And since she has continued to destroy things. She says to people I don’t take care of my house, that my husband comes to her hungry because I don’t cook and feed him properly. This is all lie. She calls in the night and says she is afraid of thieves and he is to blame if she is killed and she lives in bad neighborhood so many times my husband must go and check on her. She sends me nasty messages on fb and my husband will not punish her as he says she is hurting because of him but what about me? I have never had the chance like her to build my relationship with my husband, she is always there and ruin things for us. Yesterday when my husband came to me for my nights I packed up his pack when he was working and found big stain from iron on his best shirt. I show him when he comes home and say she sent it with burnstain and he says is very bad of me to blame her for my fault. He always side with her.

How can I do islamicaly to make her treat me with respect? How can I make my husband respect our marriage? Please help. I wanted to be a second wife, not a lesser wife.

23 thoughts on “Q&A How to Deal with Angry First Wife?

  1. Salaams

    Her feelings are understandable, but not acceptable. Have you tried befriending her? Giving her small gifts, cookies or homemade bread? Have you tried sending her greetings or compliments on how well she cares for your husband? Little things could make her feel secure and stop seeing you as a threat to her happiness. It was a good thing of you to give her from your days, to comfort her. If you keep returning kindness in stead of anger, I’m sure she will come around.

    I am a bit curious about your husband though. Have you asked him about his feelings? Have you told him how you feel? Maybe you should try giving up more and more of your rights/days for a period. Surely he will become worried then and ask why you would want to do that. Then you can say” Since you take from me and give to her you must find that just and fair, so I might give up my rights and be rewarded for it, in stead of just having my rights taken from me”. In Sh Allah this will make him repent and be just between you! MashAllah

  2. Her approval is not needed. It is your husbands job to keep her out of your marriage. Make him face his responsibilities.

  3. What??? A first wife should come to terms with having her husband taken from her, having her life destroyed, being RAPED mentally and physically for the rest of her life if you GIVE HER COOKIES???? WTF???? :p

  4. I have to agree with Olivia. I don’t think there’s anything you can do to EVER take away her pain, especially …..cookies and small gifts LOL! This is what happens when you marry a married man. From many of the blogs, it seems the headache from the co-wife goes on for many many many years, an infinite time. Get ready for a life time of stress.

  5. “We knew he is married already and my father asked if the other wife consent and he says yes but not with happiness.”
    So you knew that wife consented but not with happiness. I think your husband did the right thing by making you and your father aware that his first wife is not happy about it. Your father and you are responsible for making a bad decision and taking this risk of marrying you with a married man whose wife isn’t happy with this arrangement.

    “But she agreed in writing and I married our husband.”
    Thats why you are now a wife in “Writing” but don’t get the love and care a wife deserves. This is what you get for marrying a man who doesn’t care about his wife’s happiness. Why do you expect him to suddenly change into a caring person.

  6. “compliments on how well she cares for your husband”. This just proves the sick outlook of muslim polygyny. I can telll you, my husbands have learned to cope with polygamy, but I would never ever expect one husband to compliment the other on how well he cares for me, loves me, tends to my sexual needs… That is just sick.

  7. It has always been a mystery to me how second wives, who have seen their husbands betray, torture and rape their first wives, suddenly expect these husbands to be empathic, loving and caring men. It’s an enigma.

  8. It’s because they have convinced themselves, oftentimes with the husband’s help, that they’re all that or else the husband wouldn’t have stepped out of his first marriage in the first place. Something had to be wrong with wife #1. I heard it over and over and OVER, from the very first text that bitch sent me.

    As far as the whole give gifts and such….no. NO.

  9. Unchained, that makes sense. So it wouldn’t be wrong to say that most polygamous men are good liars or have to become liars to get a second wife to agree to marriage. Most second wife’s like above situation are selfish, immature women who couldn’t see throughout the obvious lies. i also tried to imagine what it would be like to live in a country where polygamy is legal, where women are conditioned to believe its normal and they are doing nothing wrong by marrying a married man. Then it makes sense why women would want to be a second wife because marrying an unmarried man is setting yourself for heartbreak and ending up as an unhappy first wife whose husband chose another woman over her. Its easier to fall for a man that they think is done with his marriage but not divorcing for the sake of children, out of pity for first wife who has nowhere to go etc. Now they got a man who has responsibility to support one existing and one future family and there is little chance the he would be able to manage a third family. They assume that their husband has total control over the first wife thats why she had to agree to his polygamy. So they don’t see first wife as their competition and assume she will submit to them and won’t bother her much (after all the man is doing her a favor by not divorcing her and taking her kids away). It all seems like a good deal until the reality sets in.

  10. “She sends me nasty messages on fb and my husband will not punish her…” PUNISH her! really are you sure you are not two teenagers and not living with a husband but a father!

  11. Hi Fiona, I was wondering if we can be of any help to women in this situation. I can’t think of any good suggestion for this case. I wish this person would have asked the question before marrying.
    So what do you say to these women. Sorry, we don’t have any advice for you. The only thing we can tell you is what you did is wrong. Do we have any contributors here who are from a country where polygamy is legal. Maybe they can think of something that might help this woman.

  12. You’re right, there is so little we can do. I do believe however that offering a forum is a kind of help. I receive quite a lot of mail from women who were contemplating becoming second wives but after having read posts here decide to refrain. I also get a lot of mail from women who suffer in polygamy but get the courage to finally up and leave from our blog. So we do help All of us!! If not the OP in every case, then somebody else ā¤

  13. Thank you for your reply. I am glad to learn that many women are able to seek timely help and advice from you. It would be nice if you can categorize your emails and outcomes of your communication if known and then share the data on your blog. I know that will be additional work for you but just in case its possible or maybe you already collect the data for your research.
    The main reason for my comment was that this person’s message was to seek help but we all were just criticizing and expressing our views which mainly tell her that you are wrong. I felt that isn’t very nice of us šŸ˜¦

  14. I’m hoping to include all data in my thesis. Right now however, work isn’t progressing very fast and I’m hoping in a few days to be terribly occupied with other things šŸ˜‰ I only post the mails I get that explicitly ask to be published. Bea sounds like the kind of woman who would be able to handle the answers she gets, and I believe she knows nobody here is out to hurt anyone. I hope she does.

  15. Oh I am so sorry, we keep asking you all other questions but the miss the most important one. Hope you, baby and your two husbands are doing fine. Isn’t it about time for baby to come šŸ™‚ hope everything goes well.

  16. I’ve been having contractions for days now. I’m with Graham today and tomorrow, so I’m hoping baby will decide to arrive NOW. šŸ™‚ Please, keep your fingers crossed!

  17. Wow that’s exciting! I hope the baby comes soon while you are with Graham. How is Mark doing and is he planning to be there with you when the baby comes. You will have to stay at one home for sometime. Hope you all have some arrangement figured out.

  18. šŸ™‚ I’m getting ready to leave for hospital now – won’t be able to do any blogging for a day or so I suppose… Graham is coming with me, Mark has gone to visit an old friend in Shropshire. I think he didn’t want to be around, and he didn’t want to be alone. I can understand that. He is fighting hard to cope and be supportive, but there’s only so much you can ask. Since I work from home most of the time, I won’t have a problem with adjusting, I just have to give up lecturing for a while. That’s all. But I’ll keep rotating, that’s no problem. It’s strange you know, it’s been so long since I gave birth but as soon as my body started working now it all comes back to me and feels like yesterday. šŸ™‚ Let’s just hope I’m still up for it šŸ˜‰

  19. I have no doubt you are up for it, my dear šŸ™‚

    I was going to ask in the other thread how Mark is holding up. And where things stand with the Yemen teenybopper these days. But that’s for after your delivery. You have much more important things to think about now.

    Graham’s got to be so excited….as are your loyal readers. So carry on my dear and update when you can! Cannot wait to hear all about it! ā¤

  20. I totally have to say any woman who agrees to be a second wife in hopes to have a fairy tale marriage is sadly mistaken. Why settle to be second when you could have been first with a single man, which by the way are plenty. Lots of dua is my advice.

  21. Some second wives are promised fairytales by their lovers. Sad that there are women stupid enough to fall for it.

  22. Why?

    1. Most of these sham 2nd marriages started as dirty affairs. The woman falls in love with the man so accepts being 2nd wife.

    2. She falls into the trap of believing she’s the favourite. The man tells her that he doesnt love 1st, doesnt have sex with 1st, stays married only for their kids.

    3. She doesnt think she deserves better. Many women enter relationships with men below them hoping the man will realise how lucky he is and never leave her (insecurity).

    4. For money.

    There are plenty other reasons too I imagine.

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