Google Search: Polygamy

GorgoneionWordPress stats let me know what search terms people have used on Google, Yahoo, Bing et.c. when they clicked to arrive here. No, don’t worry – I can’t identify you or any individual. But I can see what you where searching for when my blog came up as the answer, and you clicked on the link and came here.

It’s a very interesting read.

Many people, mainly women I suppose, come here looking for “polygamy jealousy survive”, “am I allowed divorce in islam when my husband takes a second wife” “rights of wife in polygamy islam”, “how manage co-wife”, “how to deal with husband with polygamus marriage in islamic way”, “what rights do a lady husband if he marries another lady”, “my muslim husband says i have to have sex”, “polygyny husband says first wife is rotten”, “how to become happy when ur husband marries qnother women” and the like. The search terms make me so sad, since they tell stories of thousands of women suffering the immense pain of polygyny and misogyny, trying to find help or relief.

But the real sickening search terms I believe stem from men. “how to talk or force your wife into polygamy” “is it better to have many wives to fuck”, “how make wife submit to sex and polygamy islam”, “how can I beat my wife when she disobeys”, “can I fuck both wives same night even if they say no”, “do angels curse my wife if she refuses to give oral sex”, “Marry second wife 9 years old”, “How to scare my wives with Allah to accept polygamy”, “my third wife pregnant must I sleep there”, “does wife forfeit her nights with me during post natal bleeding”, “how make wife see she is my slave hadith”, “must I tell first wife of second wife before I die?” – it goes on and on.

I have spent the day going through old search terms. I have found three along the lines of “how can I make polygamy easy on my wives”. Three. Out of thousands.

It speaks loudly about the reality of polygyny. And about the truth behind the disgusting sanctimonious religious hypocrisy hidden just under the surface of muslim polygyny.

85 thoughts on “Google Search: Polygamy

  1. oops i meant to say …she doesn’t want him to marry another WOMAN.
    Its also true that a woman wouldn’t want her husband marrying a man 🙂 but thats not relevant here.

  2. I disagree that “Western thought is ruining the harmony of family and marriage”
    So what we have in our rich culture is it real harmony? I think all the harmony of family and marriage is at the cost of women’s rights. I will take pride in it if both men and women made equal contribution in this harmony. This harmony is based on patriarchal system which is not fair to women. As soon as women are getting educated, independent and able to make their own decisions and support themselves the divorce rates are increasing. Its not influence of West thats causing divorces its the fact that women are not willing to give up their rights anymore.

  3. Saad,
    Congratulations Saad on your graduation. Do you know what you want to do next? I read your facebook page and thought it was interesting,and I enjoyed the photographs. I’ve also enjoyed your contributions to this blog. I see that you didn’t last long over on Ana’s blog. That’s pretty funny. Wear it like a badge of honor.

  4. “They should be able to see the pain of their wife” – yes you are right. The problem is I believe most men do see it, and thrive on it, because it makes them feel powerful to be able to make a woman subject and share their husband, and keep her submissive, in spite of the massive pain. Sorry.

  5. My uncle is living polygamy and my sister is married to a polygamous man and is happy. I have felt for a long time I want polygamy too. I want to have a big family and the thought of polygamy is for me I think. I simply want it. But I dont want to fool my wives so when I have proposed to a girl, it has happened 3 times now, I tell them I will be wanting to marry plural wives. Everything is fine in negotiations upto that point. Suddenly, the girls has declared against the proposal based only on this. I believe women have forgotten that polygamy is permissible for men. Women believe they have a right to make that haram that Allah has made halal. And for only reasons like “I don’t want to share”. So out of selfishness they throw away a good husband simply because they don’t want another woman also to have a good husband. And then they marry bad husbands in stead and whine when they are badly treated. So they force men to lie to them. And this is I believe why islam made it permissible to marry plural wives without the wives knowledge or consent, so men should not be held captive by women’s selfishness and greed. But women keep whining about the rules made by Allah…. No wonder there are more women in hell…

  6. Good luck staying single for as long as you continue this type of thinking. Though I would say I am happy you are letting the women know in advance what to expect, to prevent major dishonesty from the start of marriage.

  7. Yep, be clear from the onset so the woman knows to run like hell. I wish more men would have the nads to do that, but I am fully and completely convinced a whole lot of men love the sneaking around for starters, and the powertrip they get when they spring a #2 onto an unsuspecting and trusting #1. I am convinced that played a part in my ex’s decision to bring #2 into the picture – he was trying to get some type of control on me and, for a time, it worked. It also blew up in his face, bigtime and he lost his wife, but whatever.

    The woman, by refusing to be part of this sick setup is not making “haram” what “Allah” has made “halal”. – I mean, there is halal meat but if you don’t like meat, it makes you feel ill to eat it so you’re a vegetarian, is that making meat “haram”? I look horrible in yellow, so I absolutely refuse to wear it. Does that make the color yellow “haram”? Of course not. By refusing to be a wife with a “#” sign, she is making it known this is not her chosen way to live the rest of her life, and she has the right to make that choice, just as you have the right to want plural wives. It is a CHOICE. If you want to therefore lie and get a wife swearing up and down she will always be her one and only, then later on break her heart and ruin her life and that of your children, well, if there is a hell, you’ll be there, my friend.

    Polygyny is not one of the five pillars of Islam, as much as you men want to act like it is when you get the wandering dingus. It is an OPTION. AND I stand firm with Fiona in the knowledge that it should A. be ONLY done under a very narrow set of circumstances (regarding the orphans….see her post about the two conditions that have to be met) AND B. it should be POLYGAMY – equal opportunity.

  8. @Mariam, my internet was wonky last night and this morning thanks to my daughter who moved the wireless router and reconnected stuff wrong – bless her heart, I love her to death but man! – about drove me mad trying to figure it out but yay, here I am…anyway, what was going through my mind was I wanted to address the point you made here – UmmAvrul is describing not a husband – not a life partner – not an adult relationship whatsoever but rather that of a father and daughter. And I had a father, I don’t want to be married to another one.

  9. In the Quran:

    “And among His Signs is that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that you may dwell in tranquility with them, and He put affection and compassion between your hearts. Verily in that are Signs for those who reflect.” [Sûrah Rûm: 21].

    From UmmAvrul’s responses, if a husband and wife treated each other the way she said, I don’t see any affection and compassion being sustained in the long run. Most likely turn into the reverse of affection and compassion. I agree that if a man is given a degree of responsibility over his wife, it is that much more important he maintains a high standard of character. The husband should be good in heart and have good intentions towards his wife. Otherwise this responsibility gets flipped on it’s head and turns into patriarchy and male domination. This is the man’s fault, not anybody else, and he is the one not fulfilling his requirements as expected of a man. Also if a woman wants to be powerful in her own way, she would be more willing to listen to her husband’s guidance when she knows he wants only good for her and wants to help her reach her potential. Otherwise any form of submission and obedience which hinders her strength and power just so she can be lower than the man and he can be above her does not look within the degree of responsibility that the Quran talks about.

  10. UmmAvrul wrote this bit and I cannot get it out of my mind:

    “Women who fight hard to want”
    As much as I vehemently am opposed to your views UmmAvrul, you struck something deep here. Fighting hard to want. I remember feeling that way. This statement embodies so much that’s wrong with Islamic polygyny.

  11. Thanks for telling your experience Unchained, it means a lot here. I am very sorry you had to go through so much. Men not knowing how to be men, and depending on preachers who also apparently don’t know how to be men. Men looking for loopholes to fulfill their wants for lust and power control. I am glad you are building a better life for yourself now.

  12. fiona,
    //“They should be able to see the pain of their wife” – yes you are right. The problem is I believe most men do see it, and thrive on it, because it makes them feel powerful to be able to make a woman subject and share their husband, and keep her submissive, in spite of the massive pain. Sorry.//
    though your marriage experience is more than my age but still i will respectfully disagree. i don’t think men thrive on their wives pain as it makes them feel powerful. my perception is normally polygamous men are caught up in sexual frenzy so they conveniently ignore their partners feelings even though they don’t want to hurt them.
    Laila, then we agree to disagree here. because our institution of family is only thing we have that i feel proud on. and women are not the only one suffering here, men suffer too but nobody cares because they are supposed to be strong. i will give example of my own family. my parents had an arranged marriage to which my father was not agreeing, but our family forced him to marry. 8 years before my mother (who is a house wife) was paralyzed and many people have advised father to marry another women to take care of us and our home but he has refused just for the sake of his children because he didn’t wanted to have a step mother for us. and we know how hard it has been for him assuming both jobs at office as well as at home. even though it is my father who has sacrificed more for us but still we (me and my brothers) love our mother 100 times more than our father. in Pakistan mother is far more respected and loved than father.

    any ways we all are entitled to our views.

  13. thanks. sorry it is actually BS Mechanical. after that i want to do MS in petroleum.
    about Ana’s blog, it wasn’t funny for me 😉 had quiet a time over there.
    had no clue what was going over there, jumped in and engaged in a useless debate with them.

  14. Dear Saad,
    I’m glad your father chose not to ruin your family with polygamy. I do understand that you’re proud of your culture of strong families. I do believe however that religious family culture brings a lot of misery, especially since it affords rights and duties not according to ability but according to gender. It’s bound to fail, just like a system would fail that forced all redheads to become figure skaters. It makes prisoners of us all. As for men thriving on the pain of polygyny – I believe that any man who didn’t thrive on pain would repent when he realizes the immense, never ending pain his decision to become polygamous causes his wife. Any man with an empathic heart would realize that his wife’s pain is a thousand times stronger than his libido. The only man who would be able to go through with polygamy while watching his wife cry, scream, vomit, loose hair, loose weight, loose her love and trust for him, loose her will to live, is the man who thrives on pain. Secretly. Sorry, that’s my experience.

  15. are you an Arab/Saudi sheikh or what because polygamy bodes well for them. due you have that much money to establish a harem for yourself habibi? 😉

  16. I’m sorry Saad, I didn’t think about the fact that your experience over there was probably not funny from your standpoint. What I should have said was, thank you for going over there and refusing to tow the party line.

  17. Saad, thanks for sharing your story. You have a great family but I disagree that similar cases happen in your society only. I have seen people in west dedicating their lives to care for their sick spouses, parents, physically mentally kids. I had this false superiority complex about our culture having better family values and strong relationships. Once I moved to US and saw with my own eyes that those values are well alive here. Most cases here are where the person is doing this by their own free will and out of love and care of the family member. So I disagree to blame the whole west for lacking family values. I think they have a better social security and govt support for disabled, elderly etc and if our countries have same then many in our culture will choose to depend on that system. My colleagues have parents in old homes. They visit them regularly even when their parents have memory problems and can’t even recognize who they are. I have seen a friends mom who herself is old but care for her >90 year mom at home and her husband does most of the physical help moving her wheelchair around etc for his old mother in law. Old lady doesn’t want to go out much but they still take her out for walk and sigh seeings. I know friends whose parents and uncle aunts take turns to care for their very old mom/step mom. I havnt seen people care that much for their real moms. Good hearted people are everywhere if these people inspire of having all all the money and other options of elderly care are choosing to care for them it’s really a noble thing. I don’t think we should think our culture is superior to west only because they have more options which some people like to use when they need.

  18. I agree with Saad on not all men being able to take pleasure in dominating their wife and feeling power control through wife’s pain. Again I mean MOST men are not like that but SOME are. And most men don’t choose polygamy some do so there is even higher probability among the polygamous men to be those men who like the power, domination over their spouse and feed that ego/need through ruling over their wives.

  19. okay laila i take my words back.
    though i never said western people lack empathy nor did i say our culture is superior. any ways i do like what ever family values we have.

    when married couples become parents they have an additional responsibility of a soul that is purely dependent on them and needs both mother and father. and both of them should get over their petty disputes and both of them should make sacrifices.

    (as you say divorce rate is increasing among educated families than uneducated people are better if they can compromise and deal with ugly situations humbly and are not egotistic high-flyers )
    i can never imagine my life with out my mother and father and had they divorced i don’t think i had been able to forgive them EVER. (i know it sounds selfish but that’s what i feel).

    if you are married take this relationship to the end make what ever sacrifices you can make. (and yes by sacrificing i mean giving up rights for the sake of children). otherwise what’s the point of marriage just bang and get it over with. step mom and dad are accepted in western society but not in our society and i don’t see how one society is better than other in this way. i will accept only my BIOLOGICAL FATHER as FATHER (obviously other people will have a different take on that) and if he has left me than he can go to hell and same goes for mother too. though in my case it’s my father who is the silent sufferer.

  20. you are right.
    //I believe that any man who didn’t thrive on pain would repent when he realizes the immense, never ending pain his decision to become polygamous causes his wife.//

    he will repent, he will. After spending some years in polygamy when the dust will settle down and he will wake up in an ugly reality, where both of his wives will be at odds with each other making his life hell (for which he is solely responsible). he will curse the day he jumped into polygamy.

  21. Righttotalk, I respect you for being honest and truthful to women but at the same time I find most of your views about women offensive. Maybe you are conditioned to think like that. Also the anonymity on internet makes it easy for people to say whatever they want. Maybe in real life you don’t say such offensive things. Looks like you are just mad at women after being rejected multiple times. I think it’s ok to feel that way. You grew up thinking that polygamy is normal and women can be happy in polygamy so it’s hard for you to accept why these women are rejecting you. Reality is that most women when given choice would not want polygyny. Quran clearly says when polygamy can be considered as an option. Would you consider marrying a widow or any Muslimahs who is having trouble getting married because of a handicap or age, looks etc. If so then maybe a woman like that will agree for polygamy considering it a better option than not getting any husband. Have you considered that.

  22. I agree, that is a good test of why a man would want to go for polygamy. And keeping the door of honesty and understanding open to the people involved in such a relationship. Otherwise going for polygamy simply to have a harem of beautiful or young women and feeling proud of keeping up the ‘responsibility’ of such a hoard is offensive and humiliating to all of us women. Yeah we are people too and equally want respect and chastity from our partner.

  23. Saad, thanks for sharing your family story. I admire your father for putting his families needs before anything else. You said your father is the sufferer here. Do you think if the arranged marriage wasn’t forced on him and he would have chosen own partner. Then I think the whole situation will be less of a burdon or suffering. I have men in my family who had to marry women they didn’t want to marry e.g. Less educated women who did not have much in common with them. Most of those cases the husband and wife never have a strong bond or a relationship of their own. Their only strong bond is through their children. Then these women are overly attached to their kids and sometimes wouldn’t let them go away from home for education or work etc and wouldn’t let their kids especially men marry woman of their choice but would want men to marry woman of her choice who will serve the family well and hence the cycle goes on with another couple arranged by families to marry. The woman moves to mans family and is the lowest rank in his family to serve all or get blamed to have influence of western modern ideas and lacking family values. I see so much of this happening to my friends and relatives. Even the so called love marriages turn into this and face all this if the man is not skilled enough to balance the respect for elders and standing up for his wife’s rights. Most men choose to look the other way and tell their wife to adjust to his family. Thank God I am married to a man who knows how to keep that balance and our relationship with parents is much stronger. My in laws unlike most typical inlaws know the boundaries and are well respected by me. Whereas I see than many other women do so much more than me for husband and inlaws but they are always bitter and don’t have a strong relationship or true respect for them. I don’t think that is a healthy thing for a family. I am sure most of them wouldn’t need more than a second on deciding to put their in laws in old home vs caring for them at home (provided their is no cultural pressure, financial limitation).

  24. there are many problems in arranged marriages as for “saas vs bahu” issue 😉 i believe education and grooming will help here. i don’t think educated families face these sorta problems.
    parents who sacrifice so much for their children, when grow old and need their children to take care of them, should be thrown to old homes? do you support it?.

  25. Yes, not only women but everyone deserves truth. The women, children of polygamy and most importantly the men who get false impression of polygamy being a great honorable thing to do for their religion while getting the benefit of legally sleeping with more than one woman. They start dreaming of a polygamous life without realizing how unfair it is to women. In this age and in countries where women now have a say the likes or RIGHTTOTALK are getting rejected and feeling cheated. Righttotalk, instead of being mad at the women for not accepting Allah’s rules try reading Quran and finding truth about polygamy rules. No woman needs to be forced to accept polygamy as Allah’s rule it’s not even a RULE it’s an exception to the rule only if someone needs to do it to protect orphans. I haven’t seen anyone give a verse from Quran which says women should accept polygyny. It doesn’t even say that any widows will have to accept polygamy.

  26. Saad, no I don’t believe old people should be thrown out of homes. They should be respected and present in their children and grandchildrens lives. When terminally ill or bed ridden they should be take care of by loving family members. All members should feel equal responsibility towards elderly care. A woman should not be forced to leave her career just to allow her mother in law to retire from housework. When this happens she gets bitter over time because of being forced to stay home and serve in laws. In laws rule over her and often take her for granted some even abuse their DILs. The abused becomes abuser when the same in laws are old and helpless. This is the truth for many households. I think if our Govt provide good elder care homes with professionals to take care of their needs then no elders will have to suffer abuse. I have seen and heard of many elders after giving up property to children are being neglected by all children. That too is harsh reality of our culture. So yes I support the option of elder care homes if circumstances need those facilities. Generally in our cultures men only help when needed for personal care of elderly males or for taking them to doctors etc otherwise all daily responsibilities are on women from cooking, cleaning, laundry for elderly. It’s not an easy task if a woman is working. You added a smiley after saas bahu I know DIL and MIL issues are in every culture but in our cultures it’s a serious issue not a joke. You sia education and grooming can help with issue. I disagree. Women get educated but their jobs and careers are always considered less important and need husbands and inlaws approval. They have to compromise their careers for the sake of these family values. Someone has to cook, feed and clean up after the kids an elderly. You know who responsibility it becomes by default. Men should take equal responsibility in housework and childcare. Career decisions should be taken with mutual understanding and not based on gender e.g. If a woman has a degree with more earning potential then husband shouldn’t feel bad in adjusting according to her and playing bigger role in the household. With equal opportunity for men and women if the women choose to stay home and care for family that’s great but our current system produces a lot if bitter women and if course their husbands get affected by their bitterness. I don’t think it’s a good foundation for a family. Earlier it worked because women by default had only one role home maker.

  27. O dear, this one just popped up: “houri describe boobs”. It really is tragic..

  28. I read more and i am wondering why Islam revolves so much about sex, power, control. Total submission is needed by believers to Allah then total submission is needed for women to husbands.

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