THE Most Unlikely Person in Polygamy

My childhood was very happy, summers spent in our family home in Norfolk, swimming, riding, playing, fishing, building tree-houses. My brother and I and our cousins, and later on friends from school, loved those summers 🙂 In the autumn we always visited my grandparents, family was important – and grouse 😉

Winters were spent in London, my parents both worked a lot and when my brother was off to school I could feel rather lonely at times. So the library became my favourite place, I would spend hours there living through all kinds of make belief adventures 🙂

I went off to school when I was eight. I loved school. My school was in Sussex, beautifully situated at the edge of a bluff, teachers were wonderful and I was taught to believe in myself and in humanity. We were taught that we could do anything, accomplish anything, and we were given the best tools to do just that.

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After that I went to Oxford. I studied Art and History and joined a theatrical. And the Oxford Union. 🙂 Getting me to talk has never been a problem… 🙂 I loved the debates, and the openmindedness. By that time I was a typical tweed Brit, proud of my context, self-assured and easy going. I met Mark at Oxford. He swept me off my feet with his charm, his exotic looks and his adoration. When I first took him to meet my parents, my mother said “I believe you will marry him”. She was right. We were married while still at Oxford, and had our first child. I think, looking back, we were a bit proud of the bohemian fashion of it all 🙂 My parents were happy, but now I can admit – to you and to myself – that they probably wouldn’t have approved of Mark had he just been an Omani upper class boy, no they accepted him because of his English mother, who is even a distant relative of ours.

Those were wonderful years. We had two beautiful children, Mark worked in the City, I got a fellowship. When I look back, it still makes me smile.

Then my parents were killed in a car crash. The shock, the pain – unbelievable. The present became unbearably  precious. I kept my family so close, I never wanted to let anybody out of my sight. My brother let me have the house, he knew I needed to hold on, hold on to family, hold on to love. When the children were off to school, I felt so alone. I started writing and completed my Ph.D. I ended my fellowship and did lecturing in stead. I’ve always loved to travel. I’ve had a very happy life.

I am the last person anybody would see ending up in polygamy. I’m the typical milk and honey English girl. I know I’ve lived a life of privilege, and I am grateful.

But I’ve lived through pain too. First the death of my parents. The shock was horrible. It scattered my world.

Then the slow, killing agony of having to watch my brother die. He was slowly tortured to death, but managed to keep his dignity and his warmth and marvelous sense of humour right until the end.

Still polygyny is by far the greatest pain I have experienced.

 

From a Polygamous Man, and an Answer

800px-Be_stupid_@_AmsterdamBismillaah Ar-Rahmanir-Raheem

 

My desire for polygyny, bi’idhnillaah.

 

I ask that Allaah azza wa jall allow my Sisters in this beautiful deen of Islam to read this with open minds and hearts, while seeking the pleasure of Him, subhannahu wa ta ilaah. Ameen.

OK – I’ll try to keep an open mind.

Firstly, we all know that our guides, Al Quraanwas-Sunnah have provided the Muslims with ample opportunities to show Allaah subhannahu wata ilallah devotion and obedience. For me, aside from many other virtuous acts of ibaadah, I have also chosen polygyny, which is beloved act mentioned by Allaah azza wa jall and practiced by our beloved Prophet sallallaahu alaihi wa sallam; the one whom we as Muslims try insha-Allaah so diligently to mold and shape our lives after. May Allaah azza wa jall have mercy on him, his family, and companions..Ameen! I don’t intent to badger or lecture anyone regarding polygyny, but insha-Allaah my intent to help Sisters to understand the reasons why GOOD Muslim men with GOODintentions choose polygyny, Maasha-Allaah Tabarakallah. Of course you will always have knuckle-heads who abuse this right, but please understand that there are Muslim men out here, like me Maasha-Allaah, who only intends to utilize polygyny for reasons it was intended Insha-Allaah.

Fine, I understand you want us to think of you as a good guy.

Firstly, as previously mentioned, if you study the tafsir of Quraan (via the true scholars of tafsir), one would understand that when Allaah azza wa jall says, “marry two, three, or four…” in Suratal Nisa, He, azza wa jall, is giving instruction to the Muslims, not a suggestion. Allaah azza wa jall says in the same surah, IF you find you cannot be just,……” This word “IF” signifies exception. The scholars of tafsir, past and present, understand this issues; and it is the scholars whom we should understand and learn our religion. If we understand polygyny as being what is instructed or what’s highly preferred by Allaah azza wa jall, then why do we make efforts to not attach ourselves to it???This is the first reason why I personally desire to polygyny..because this is the understanding of those who truly understand the Quraan andSunnah…and Allaah knows best!!

Oh dear, this is just fantastic. 😀 I agree that the word IF signifies an exception. But it just makes it  hilarious the way you yourself leave out the first part of the quote: And if you fear that you will not deal justly with the orphans, then marry those that please you of [other] women, two or three or four. But if you fear that you will not be just, then [marry only] one or those your right hand possesses. Can’t you see that by this alone, you have already proven yourself to be a hypocrite and a liar?

 

Secondly, Islam emphasizes the importance of being of support to our Sisters during their times of struggle, hardship, lack of companionship, maintenance, or security. It also emphasizes taking care of fatherless children. Today, the increase in the number of sisters who are left to raise children is atrotious. Why and how, if I have the means and am willing to maintain, protect, support, love, and guide this sister and her children, be wrong?? I thought we, the Muslims, are a people of community and high spiritual standards??Remember, our standards are not of those who associate partners with Allaah, but that our those who truly seek Allaah’s pleasure. This is my second reason..to be there when my Sisters in Islam need support, insha-Allaah.

You are adding to these women’s suffering by cementing their lives in a state of semiwidows, for the rest of their lives. And you are claiming this helps them? Have mercy on me, the stupidity of men…

Thirdly, my desire for polygyny is to increase the Muslim ummah as well as my lineage insha-Allaah. Due to health and other reasons, many sisters cannot have children., Allaah musta’aan! Typically, most married couples don’t discover the issue of not being able to have children until after they are married. Knowing this, how then will a man be able to have children of his own, to increase his lineage unless he is able to practice “lawful” polygyny.

Just as many men are infertile as women. Are you saying they should marry a second too? Because otherwise, you are just proving yourself to be a hypocrite again.

Fourth, I know many may cringe when they read this, but polygyny for many Muslim men provide a halaal channel for increased sexual energy, which will keep them away from sin. Because some women are unable and even unwilling to “keep up” or maintain a mans “drives”, some men become impatient, as Allaah azza wa jall mentions in Quraan, “men become impatitient when it comes to their sexual drives”. Many women are faced with medical issues that prevent them from routinely satisfying that drive in their husbands. This issue of protection is just as important in many regards as the other reasons for marriage including comfort, security, solace and companionship. “I have not left behind me any fitnah (temptation) more harmful to men than women.” (Bukhaari, 5096; Muslim, 2740). Zinaa, as we all know, in Islam is considered a major sin. If our brothers mention polygyny as being a desire/need, we should understand that for him, he feels the need to remain obedient to his Lord and not fall into the haraam.The purpose of polygyny is not the satisfaction of the animal lusts or going from one woman to another, but it is a necessary solution to keep one safe from grave sin….Allaah musta’aan! Ameen!

 Modern science proves women have just as strong sexual urges as men. So when you leave your wife to become a semiwidow while you’re off fucking other women, you’re actually torturing her. If you find you have much stronger libido than your wife, the best solution is to take on half her chores around the house and with the kids. This will have a double effect, because it’s even more efficient than fasting in making you loose energy for sex, and it will increase her energy and her affection for you. Voila, problem solved!

There are many reasons why a person with good character chooses polygyny: extended family, increase in faith, companionship, security, pleasure, charity, increase in wisdom and self-worth, increase in quality of life when a wife cannot complete the needs of her husband. Whatever the personal reason,polygyny is about getting families together, enjoining what is good and permissible, and forbidding what is haraam. Most of the time, it is not an issue of over-loading and women serving men, but it is an issue of love and sharing; community. Whether each individual’s choice pleases Allaah or not in both cases (monogamy or polygamy), it is question of people’s true intentions and desire to make things work in total honesty and faith. Successful polygyny depends on the efforts, patience and degree of faith of each party involved. It is not in the etiquettes of a Muslim to criticize either a man who desires it or a woman who accepts it, for it is their choice, given by Allaah azza wa jall.Although, most sisters do not declare out loud that, “Polygyny is haraam”, the actions and opinions of many support this statement. When my sisters in Islam demand that the marriage contract include an ‘escape clause’ if the man seeks polygyny, they are essentially stating that polygyny is haraam or even dirty in some sense…. or minimally that that person is unwilling to uphold that sunnah or to give her husband his rights granted by Allaah azza wa jall, which is still extremely undesireable. May Allaah azza wa jall protect us all. Ameen. The same can be said of many of our Sisters who make it impossible, through personal and financial demands, for a husband to marry another (a right Allaah gave all righteous believing men). Yes, these sisters are not prohibiting polygyny for all, just for their husbands. Instead of helping a sister in need, perhaps they are pushing the Sister or her husband to sin. In all cases of seeking to attach ourselves to the sunnah via halaal means, to prohibit that halaal action is a disgraceful in the sight of Allaah azza wa jall….and Allaah knows best.

Well my friend, the financial demands are actually from the sharia, not from the wife. So if you find it problematic that women actually want what’s rightfully theirs, then why are you on about claiming what you believe is your right? ^^ If you don’t like the escape clause – then don’t marry her. Simple! And again, you should read the entire quote about polygamy . as you said, we must heed the all important IF. Not only when it suits us…. And a man is free to abstain from marrying a woman who wants an escape clause. So what’s your problem?

Again, I hope this clarifies some issues regarding a man’s perspective….a good Muslim man with good intentions (Maasha-Allaah), insha-Allaah. Please keep in my Sisters…not all Muslim men mistreat their wives. Not all Muslim men are unjust to their mates. Not all Muslim men abandon their women or leave them penny-less. Not all men abuse or badger their wives. Not all Muslim women demand theirrights OVER giving rights to their wives. Believe it or not, there are Muslim men who have good intentions, who love what Allaah loves and hate what Allaah hates, Maasha-Allaah. There are Muslim men out here who sincerely want to care for another sisters children..to give them love, support, comfort, discipline, and to be an example to them. There are Muslim men out here who identifies the needs of struggling sisters and sincerely wants to be there for them. There are some Muslim men who prefer to give all ofthemselves before they give tothemselves. There are Muslim men out here who want to see our Sisters happy. There are Muslim men out here who wants to provide avenues for a Sister to learn and cultivate her deen. There are Muslim men out here who would never put his hands on his woman. There are Muslim men out here who desires to firmly attach themselves to the Sunnah…and want to support a sister in her efforts to do the same. There are Muslim men out here who want to provide a place of rest and solice for their wives, bi’idhnillaah. May Allaah have mercy on us all. Ameen!

Yeah yeah – I know. There are muslim men out there who only censor Allah, only read half the verses, who want sexual variation for themselves, 25% of a sexlife for their wives, who want to marry 9 year olds and who want to be considered good guys while they’re doing it. We get it.

Sisters…I ask you sincerely, bi’idhnillaah to not throw the towel in on our good Muslim brothers. I ask you to support them in their desire to stay away from the haraam. I humbly ask you to want for your sister what you desire and want for yourself, insha-Allaah. I ask you to imagine yourself in another womans shoes… a woman who not only desires to have a good Mulsim man by her side, but NEEDS the support of a good Muslim man. I ask you to sincerely, in the depths of your ability, to ask Allaah azza wa jall to guide you and to give you the patience needed to overcome your fear and your nafs regarding polygyny, insha-Allaah. Lastly, I ask you to make duah for all those who are challenged with polygyny or may be faced with the potential of polygyny…. and to be a sound ear and advisor to them, inshaAllaah. It could be your kind and supportive words and gestures that may help them to get over that hump, insha-Allaah. I ask Allaah to guide us all to the haqq, to make us stronger Muslims and sincere firm acceptors and followers of the Sunnah. Ameen!

Well then brother, we sincerely ask you to want for your sister what you want for yourself, and to do to your wife what you would have her do to you. A woman not only desires to have a good man by her side, she also wants him to be there at night when the kids are sick, and when there are PTA meetings, and when the chores around the house need to be done, and when she feels up for a snuggle. What she doesn’t need is a man who spends 75% of his time off fucking other women, bringing home STD:s and acari, spending 75% of his money on other women AND who sanctimoniously expects her to consider him a good guy for doing it.

Your Brother in islam!!

As always, Fiona

My Baby and My Two Husbands

TamsinWhen I had my first baby, it took me 16 hours. The second time was way easier and this time I feel like I was born to keep doing this 🙂 We’re going home tonight, and I’m feeling stronger than ever. It’s invigorating to give birth!

She’s so lovely ❤

Mark called me. We had a long talk.

He congratulated us, he had been worried since I’m no spring chicken anymore. 😉 He didn’t want to talk about the baby, I can understand that. But he wasn’t resentful, just sad I think. Sad to be on the outside, sad not to be part of this, sad knowing that he created this pain for himself. He agreed I can spend the first night with Graham, tomorrow I’ll be back with Mark. It’ll be fine.

Graham gave me a small platinum bracelet with a saphire hedgehog charm. 🙂 Ok.

I understand the symbolism.

It will be wonderful to bring my baby home.

My Baby

Heart-beatWe have a daughter.

A healthy, beautiful daughter.

Her name is Tamsin, after her paternal grandmother.

I can’t tell you how much I love her, how much I love her father.

You should see them. The tenderness of a man with his newborn daughter in his arms.

And I’ll let you in on a secret: It’s true. All babies come with a hat.

Q&A Polygamy While Husband is in Prison

7c565-keep-calm-and-you-can-do-it-13Fiona Hi!

I found your blog couple of weeks ago and Ive been readin through EVERY post! OMG sister youve been through so much s***t and you took it standin up Im so impressed girl!

Heres my situation. Im married to a man who is doin time. Weve been down this road before cause of some company hes been keepin and it aint no good for him. Hes promised to change now and I believe him cause hes been workin on his deen now on the inside and is a new man i think. Hes cut off the brothers brought him down too mashallah. But he’ll be gone for another six years and I have kids to care for and Im working 2 jobs and life is hard. I love my husband and he loves me. I know the kids and me is what hes living for now and Im not taking that away from him no way.

Theres this brother whos been good to us hes helpe me couple times to keep my boys straight and a few things about the house and such. Hes  a good man and Im feeling things and sos he. And I came here looking for anybody who knows if theres anyway a woman can marry a man even if shes married already like if her husband is away for years and I found your blog. I feel like I must have been given this chance to find a way now! And Ive been talking to the brother and hes also been readin and weve said that it feels ok. My husband and me had a nikka only so me and the brother thought we would get married at the registers. I asked at the masjid and they said no way would they marry us cause polygamy is forbidden for sisters and I aksed them to show me where that says and i told them im willin to give myself to the brother and that makes it legal and they just looked stupid and said thats not how we should read it but I said for sure thats what it says.

So now Im wondering how I should tell my husband. How can I make him accept it and see its permissible and Im not leavin or betrayin him but tryin to save our marriage? And is there anybody else out there doin the same thing? I mean I know a lot of sisters livin with other men while hubz in jail but no official like…. It would mean a lot to me if any other sister is doin it the right way and gettin married and can tell me about it. Thanks yall. //Cessondra

Q&A An Unmentionable Aspect of Polygamy – Why Can’t We Be Honest About This?

By: D S Pruitt

By: D S Pruitt

Question:

Dear Fiona and everybody,

I’m an American revert. I married my husband 22 years ago – gee where did those years go?! Anyway, when I married my husband I decided I wouldn’t opt for a Non-polygamy contract. I thought que sera sera, I must put my fate in Allah’s hands. So I did.

We had a very happy marriage, and I have been blessed with three children, two daughters and a son.

9 years ago, my husband told me he wanted to marry a second wife. I wasn’t prepared for that but I did my best to accept it. It was painful, I agree, but my experience was nothing like yours Fiona. My husband didn’t lie to me, and I have accepted that polygamy is permissible, It took some time, but we adjusted. My co lives just down the road and my husband has done a great job at being fair, and being a present husband and father.

But still there’s a problem. A huge problem. And one I’ve never seen talked about.

I am a plastic surgeon, I attended one of the TOP universities and I have always done everything I could to make sure my children get the best education. They’re all A-students, and my eldest daughter is going to MIT in the fall. I am sooo happy.

Anyway. My co is also a revert. She’s obviously younger than me. She worked at TGIF:s when my husband married her, she has no education at all.

My husband has three children with my co, AND she’s currently pregnant with nr 4. The two eldest both have Asperger’s. The youngest boy has ADHD, and may be bipolar – he’s too young to be diagnosed.

My husband is working himself to the bone to take care of these children, while still being a full time dad to our kids. Obviously his children by her have a lot more needs than my children.

He loves all his children, but once when he was feeling exhausted and sad he let slip that he regrets having tapped into such a bad gene pool by marrying nr 2. He asked her to go on the pill after the second child , but she refuses and since children are her right he can’t do anything about it. And now she’s pregnant again. My husband is becoming depressed. Not just sad and overworked, no we’re talking real depression. There is simply not enough of him to go around. Nr 2 can’t cope on her own. The children have fits and attacks and the eldest boy is strong and she can’t manage. Medication is really expensive, and so is tuition.

My husband regrets having married her, but he doesn’t say that. I can just tell from the way he is breaking down.

Now he’s asked me to help financially, maybe by paying for our daughter’s fees, what’s not covered by her scholarship.

I don’t know what to do. Maybe I should help. Maybe I should give even more of my time to my co than I already do.

But this situation is not of my doing. I upheld my part of the bargain, am I being unreasonable if I demand he upholds his? 😦

I know that comparing his children is hurtful to him. I also know that he does compare, all the time. Why is this never talked about? Of course, a man who marries “down” (sorry, but I’m trying to be truthful here) will take the risk to have children who are less well brought up, less intelligent. And in polygamy, it becomes painfully obvious.

Do men think about this? I know my husband has ruined his life and is regretting it. I know he knows his choice of second wife is the source of this. And comparing, regretting has become a huge part of his life.

Why is there no talk about this ever? Why doesn’t anybody talk openly about the difference between children of the same man in polygamy when he marries two women of very different talents? Why aren’t men warned? //Bea

And what should I do? ❤

Q&A How to Deal with Angry First Wife?

495px-The_DrunkQuestion:

A saalamu alaikum,

I am a second wife. I became married to my husband more then a year ago. He asked me from my father and I agree since he is a good man who is known among people to be upright and just. He is also handsom and I could see myself love him. We knew he is married already and my father asked if the other wife consent and he says yes but not with happiness. But she agreed in writing and I married our husband. The problem begins right away when she calls and calls and screams and ruins our seven days together and I say he should go to her and I give up the last two days and he goes to her. And since she has continued to destroy things. She says to people I don’t take care of my house, that my husband comes to her hungry because I don’t cook and feed him properly. This is all lie. She calls in the night and says she is afraid of thieves and he is to blame if she is killed and she lives in bad neighborhood so many times my husband must go and check on her. She sends me nasty messages on fb and my husband will not punish her as he says she is hurting because of him but what about me? I have never had the chance like her to build my relationship with my husband, she is always there and ruin things for us. Yesterday when my husband came to me for my nights I packed up his pack when he was working and found big stain from iron on his best shirt. I show him when he comes home and say she sent it with burnstain and he says is very bad of me to blame her for my fault. He always side with her.

How can I do islamicaly to make her treat me with respect? How can I make my husband respect our marriage? Please help. I wanted to be a second wife, not a lesser wife.

The Hypocrisy and Intellectual Dishonesty of Muslim Polygyny

The right to beat your wife, to have plural wives, to keep slaves and fuck them...

The right to beat your wife, to have plural wives, to keep slaves and fuck them…

I have spent years now reading muslim books and online fora concerning polygyny. One thing is blatantly obvious, and that is the hypocrisy and intellectual dishonesty.

Approximately 90% of all texts I’ve read by muslim sources on the subject claim that polygyny is permissible. 70% claim that it is permissible without consent from the wife and without any constraints.

Almost all of these texts quote An Nisa. And almost all of these texts take away the clearly stated condition from the quote. They only say: “you may marry women of your choice, two or three or four; but if you fear that you might not be able to treat them with equal fairness, then only one or those your right hand possesses. That is more suitable that you may not incline [to injustice]”, and leave out the condition that this is only permissible if you are caring for orphans and fearing to transgress against them. They obviously think they have a right to decide when things Allah says aren’t important. Maybe they think Allah was rambling, so they can just leave that part out….

This text is a typical example of this. This man (a man of course – who refuses to answer how he would feel if his wife was marrying, loving and fucking other men) says women should not even be allowed to practise the options given to them even by islam to divorce or stipulate in the marriage contract that her husband can not marry plural wives without her consent, but he himself has a right to call Allah a rambler by willfully and continuously leaving half of the quran quote out. This Abdul-Salam Abdul-Hameed obviously believes he has a right to censor Allah, in order to give himself a right to fuck as many women as he wants while destroying his family and the life of his (legal) wife.

The misogyny is disgusting, but the sanctimonious hypocrisy is worse, and I find it strange that people from a muslim perspective don’t find the blasphemy of censoring Allah by always leaving half the quote out, or saying he must have been drunk or mad or something when he stated the condition about the orphans so we needn’t bother about that part, worse than everything else.

But it’s very difficult to find muslims protesting openly. Obviously, they’ve given the right to interpret the words of Allah to the hypocrites.

Google Search: Polygamy

GorgoneionWordPress stats let me know what search terms people have used on Google, Yahoo, Bing et.c. when they clicked to arrive here. No, don’t worry – I can’t identify you or any individual. But I can see what you where searching for when my blog came up as the answer, and you clicked on the link and came here.

It’s a very interesting read.

Many people, mainly women I suppose, come here looking for “polygamy jealousy survive”, “am I allowed divorce in islam when my husband takes a second wife” “rights of wife in polygamy islam”, “how manage co-wife”, “how to deal with husband with polygamus marriage in islamic way”, “what rights do a lady husband if he marries another lady”, “my muslim husband says i have to have sex”, “polygyny husband says first wife is rotten”, “how to become happy when ur husband marries qnother women” and the like. The search terms make me so sad, since they tell stories of thousands of women suffering the immense pain of polygyny and misogyny, trying to find help or relief.

But the real sickening search terms I believe stem from men. “how to talk or force your wife into polygamy” “is it better to have many wives to fuck”, “how make wife submit to sex and polygamy islam”, “how can I beat my wife when she disobeys”, “can I fuck both wives same night even if they say no”, “do angels curse my wife if she refuses to give oral sex”, “Marry second wife 9 years old”, “How to scare my wives with Allah to accept polygamy”, “my third wife pregnant must I sleep there”, “does wife forfeit her nights with me during post natal bleeding”, “how make wife see she is my slave hadith”, “must I tell first wife of second wife before I die?” – it goes on and on.

I have spent the day going through old search terms. I have found three along the lines of “how can I make polygamy easy on my wives”. Three. Out of thousands.

It speaks loudly about the reality of polygyny. And about the truth behind the disgusting sanctimonious religious hypocrisy hidden just under the surface of muslim polygyny.

False Alarm!

120px-Pregnant_belly_buttonI started feeling contractions and Mark went and got Graham. As we left for hospital, it did feel weird to see Mark standing in the portico, watching us go.

I suppose fate wanted me to have a dress rehearsal. It turns out, baby’s not due just yet.

I need to relax, stop running around. So I sit here now and allow my husbands to care for me. Graham took me back to Mark, but he comes over every two minutes to check on me. They’ve decided to spend the evening together watching rugger. Perfect. I think being involved, being all together, makes things easier on Mark. I’m glad.

Of course, having babies in a polygamous marriage is always a strain. It’s a painful reminder to the other partner that his/her spouse is having an intimate relationship with the other husband/wife. It’s also a reminder that this isn’t going to change in the near future, we are building a life together and this is the strongest of all bonds.

I wish my parents had been here to see their new grandchild.