Q&A Polygamy Makes me Afraid of Jannah

НикабDear sister

I am having a problem that I am afraid to discuss because it might seem like I have no trust or faith. I am married since 8 years and my husband took a second wife two years ago. I was very reluctant but I have tried to adjust and I do believe that polygamy is permissible. I have not questioned that. I hoped it would not ever be a real thing for me but I have tried to accept it after my husbands decision.

My husband is not handling polygamy well I think. He is not just with time and he keeps letting his second wife manipulate our schedule. They have a small baby and he keeps taking my night and gives to her and says he can because of the baby. He is often changing promises and even if he gives excuses I believe he often lies. He has also told me things about his other wife that should have been private and this makes him a great sinner and I am afraid that he tells her things about me.

I have children and I don’t want to leave my husband. I can not give my children up. And he does provide for us and I believe he is just with money. But I know that he does not keep up his religion with his second wife and they say he does not even attend Jumu’ah on her days. When he comes from her he also speaks foul words and behaves differently. He treats me and his children bad because of her and this.

But my big worry is this. I try to live so I can reach Jannah. It is my greatest wish. But I believe my husband has no chance to reach Jannah the way he is living now. His lies and being unjust and not coping with polygamy I think he will not be allowed paradise. So I am afraid. Does this mean that if I am admitted to Jannah I will have to marry another man? The thought is horrifying to me! And also that this man then would be married to another woman and to hoori and I would have to share this man too and for eternity. I am so afraid of this.

So my question is, should I or any woman who is married to a man who is failing polygamy so he will end up in Jahannam rather divorce so she can go with her husband to Jannah? Or is it better to stay with a husband who is failing all religion and take the obvious risk to have to marry a new man in Jannah?

Thank you sister for allowing me to post and to be part of this blog. /Merica

40 thoughts on “Q&A Polygamy Makes me Afraid of Jannah

  1. Salaam sister
    This is a serious question and I should think the best thing would be to ask for a fatwa. You could also turn to a masjid where there are scholars who can answer your question correctly InshÁllah. The woman who owns this blog is a heretic and I can not understand why anybody should want advice from her. I hope that your husband turns to Allah and mends his ways. But still sister you must know that if we are lucky enough to come to Jannah Allah will grant us bliss. You will be more beautiful than any of the hoor and your husband will be the only man who will please you and be attractive to you, be it your husband of this world or a husband granted to you in Jannah and there will be no jealousy or pain in your heart. Everything else you must put in the hands of Allah!

  2. SMH…..You’re here aren’t you? And Fiona never was a Muslim so how can she be a heretic? Now me? I’m a heretic. And thank the god/dess for that.

    A fatwa….from some sexist misogynist creep Imam no doubt. One who will perpetuate the nonsense about women having to be quiet, chaste obedient and the man can do what he likes and whomever he likes. Great advice.

  3. I have also wondered much about Jannah. Why must I marry unknown man if my husband isn’t allowed Jannah and share him with other wives and concubines? But i read some places women will be allowed husbands and male hoori too. So maybe Mark and Graham will have to share you in eternity Fiona! I wish Jannah could be without polygamy..

  4. Remind him that if he does not treat his wives correctly then on the Day of Judgment he will approach Allah (SWT) with half his body leaning (paralzyed).

  5. Merica,
    Zach said to you, about your hoped for future in Jannah: “your husband will be the only man who will please you and be attractive to you” . Apparently, even in your pain, his overiding concern for you is that you continue to be completely devoted to one man, your husband, even in Jannah. I’d laugh if his sexuality was funny instead of destructive. But the fact is, views like his only gain traction because of fearful compliance by women, and he knows it.

    Unfortunately Islam is loaded with men just like Zach, and they take up a lot of public space. In all religions, clerics tend to be banal administrators whose role is to keep traffic moving, lest someone get off the beaten path and find God.

    I wish I could help you, but I am not poised to do so. But I believe in you, and I know you will find the right path.

  6. I must say I find some of your comments offensive. I am not degrading women. I am not inventing rules to give myself or men priviliges. I am obeying rules layed down by Allah. I am not adding anything or distorting anything. I am following the Qúran. No more no less. I am respecting the rights and obligations of both sexes – not of men only. Are you saying Allah is unfair? Misogynist? It is all about equity. Look around you. I sit better with children growing up without parents? Women who are deserted or being forced to be mistresses? Men who have kept women but don’t grant them their status and rights as wives? Please, spare me the hypocrisy.

  7. Thank you for your replies Dale Arthur, I like you for your deep thinking and the fact that you try to remain respectful about our Muslim religion despite seeing the kinds of behavior of people you have seen here and in other places. I am sorry for the bad representation of our religion by certain kinds of people. Me personally I love my religion Islam, I have a spiritual connection to God and feel peaceful through acts of worship. I am still learning more about my religion though. Sifting through as well, since as you have seen there is a big problem of mixing culture, both modern and ancient culture of over a thousand years, human needs/wants and sense of selfishness, with the real religion. For us at the end Islam is about finding the truth, and yes, listening to our natural instincts as well since instincts are also given by the Creator (although sometimes our instincts may be influenced by our environment which we have to sift through as well to know better). Our character and way of living is the way in which people judge us and our religion too. Misogyny, both open and hidden, without a proper reasoning for having such a ruling, seems to be a problem though among a lot of the male scholars.

  8. The term of ‘hoor’, from what I have seen so far, is described as a companion in Paradise who is pleasing in appearance and character, not just gender-specific of female or male. There won’t be any injustice done to either man or woman, since in the Quran in Surah Nisa it is said that whoever does righteous good deeds, whether male or female, and the person has faith, will enter Paradise, and not the least injustice, even a speck, will be done to them.

    By the way Paradise is a different place than that on earth, and we will be different as well in a way, without the negative human traits which is affects us and other people in a negative way. And we will have what we wish for and desire. I am not sure how to answer your question though.

  9. Hello Zach,
    This are my responses to some of your questions.

    “Are you saying Allah is unfair” I am not Muslim. The concept of Allah is not central to my life. Islam is deeply unfair. So are most religions, and so are most cultures. Lack of equity is a personal task in life, and we all respond to it in different ways.

    “Misogynist? ” Yes, Islam is misogynist, so are most religions. I do not believe that God is misogynist, any more than DNA is misogynist. God is a neutral fact.

    “Women who are deserted or being forced to be mistresses”. Women for the most part are not deserted or forced to be mistresses. In parts of the world where they have choices, they make many bad choices, the most common one being who they choose to marry.

    “Men who have kept women but don’t grant them their status and rights as wives” Women are not kept. If they allow themselves to be kept, then they have made one very bad decision. RIghts are not granted by men. Women have inalienable rights, as do men. That belief makes me part of the secular west.

    “Please, spare me the hypocrisy.” I agree. I never said there was no hypocrisy where I come from culturally, just because I’m not talking about it. I think you are assuming I believe it. Because as far as I can tell, Muslims seem to have an all pervasive inferiority complex, and jump every time someone even makes a joke. That is ridiculous, and it is not come from God.

    “Me personally I love my religion Islam, I have a spiritual connection to God and feel peaceful through acts of worship.” I am very glad to hear this. That is what religion is for. If as a Muslim male, this happens for you, then I suggest you focus more time on these activities , and less time telling women who they are, and what they should be doing. I can understand, culturally, why this preceeding statement, based on common sense is offensive to you. But it is not my job to be sweet sounding, and to protect your feeling and do pretend-talk so you can feel better. I consider it my job to reach out when I meet someone who I feel has been disenfranchised in life, and is in pain, and you are not one of them. If I felt you were, I would reach out to you.

    I believe and have faith in you too.

  10. “Me personally I love my religion Islam, I have a spiritual connection to God and feel peaceful through acts of worship”

    I’m sorry Mariam, I thought Zach wrote that. Now having reread the posts, I see that you are the one who wrote it.

    I know that your relationship with Allah is important to you, and is a daily part of your life. I think that one of the strengths of Islam is the daily attention to detail, and the tying in of the ephemeral to the eternal. But I think therein lies one of the weaknesses too. If you have been a reader over at polygamy411, then you know that many of these women talk about their lives as if the only thing that matters is the afterlife. This is a means by which they accept being belittled. Like, none of this counts. But it does. I am not Christian by testimony, but I am by cultural inheritance. And the Christian view is that what we see and feel on a daily basis is God’s creation. To belittle this, and say it doesn’t count, is nothing short of trashing God. And that’s what women do, when they accept having their rights handed to them, and their status determined by others.

    I hope you will continue to share parts of your journey with us, Mariam.
    D

  11. Why do men fail in polygamy? Do you really believe men set out with bad intentions? That they want the women they love to hurt? Or could it be that the good intentions of the husband is thwarted by the wives conniving, manipulating, complaining, begrudging? What if the reason he is failing is that you don’t give him the space, support and help he needs?

  12. Comments like these just leave me speechless and wondering is it for real?
    @Righttotalk, I am assuming you are taking about polygyny not polygamy (Polygamy means both men and women can have more than one partner).
    You mentioned that men fail in polygamy because their wives don’t give them space, support and help that a polygamous MAN NEEDS! The problem is that polygyny is all about MEN’S NEEDS and that is WRONG.

  13. @Righttotalk, I am assuming you are taking about polygyny not polygamy (Polygamy means both men and women can have more than one partner).
    You mentioned that men fail in polygamy because their wives don’t give them space, support and help that a polygamous MAN NEEDS! The problem is that polygyny is all about MEN’S NEEDS and that is WRONG.

  14. @Righttotalk, your screen name is very interesting.
    Talking about rights, so you think its fair for men to be allowed to marry, sleep with and have kids with more than one woman and a woman doesn’t even have full rights on her only man’s 100 percent time, attention, love, support? that is not just and is clearly an oppressive practice.
    If men are so interested in sleeping with more than one woman and think it is their right and women should understand this, gave them space, support and help in being polygamous then their wife should also be free to seek company of another man to please her sexually, to help with kids and to take care of the safety of the family while her husband is gone to other wife. That will solve all the problems and the men will get the space, support and help they need (Men are such needy creatures why can’t they MAN up and stop being needy!)

  15. If the man is in love with these women and he’s not married, he’s already off to a running start with the bad intentions. INTENT IS NOT MAGICAL. It doesn’t make the pain stop hurting when you say, well that’s not what I INTENDED to happen. If the person who initiates polygyny or polyandry chooses poorly and/or forces it on an unwilling participant then YES it is TOTALLY that person’s fault 100%. Saying it is anybody else’s fault is like taking a dump in your front yard then shoving off part of it on your neighbour’s yard when they complain while saying it’s their fault too. A turd is a turd is a turd. Some people are just into scat though.

  16. I believe you, and many other women, are playing the blame game. Here you are with men who loove you enough to stay with you, take care of your needs and provide for you even though they lova and marry another woman. And all you can do is complain. Why not make yourself look pretty, make him long for your company, give him joy around you, and watch him turn to you? Bitter women chase their husbands off!

  17. Thank you Righttotalk. I appreciate your having rephrased your questions as statements. I’m not surprised by the content, that was evident in the questions. But I am surprised by the boorish nature of your words. I expected something more intelligent, with which I would have engaged. But this? I don’t talk about important matters with juveniles.

  18. Righttotalk,
    Because I left high school competitive game playing behind a long time ago. I didn’t marry a guy so that I could play the “anything she can do I can do better” bullshit.

  19. In that case the husbands should actually chase off, instead of continuing to tell the first wife he loves her and all that, hurting the wife and the children in the process. Maybe divorcing and then settling custody of children and giving maintenance to wife and children would be better, unless the wife herself specifically asks him to stay with her. In your comments you seem to say men choose polygyny BECAUSE of the misbehaviour of their first wives, and also they fail at polygyny BECAUSE of the same reasons. I don’t get it. The only time I can understand this if women who are capable of handling multiple men were also allowed polyandry for the same reasons; misbehaviour on the husband’s part, or he does not make himself attractive for the wife, does not make her long for his company or give her joy around him.

  20. And then after forcing polyandry on the first husband, even though she knows it caused him immense pain, to have another husband for fulfilling her own needs and selfishness, then if she fails at polyandry because she can’t be just with the husbands even though she was not capable to, she can always put the blame on the husbands for their behaviour and for not giving her the space, support and help she needs.

  21. @Righttotalk, You said “Here you are with men who loove you enough to stay with you, take care of your needs and provide for you even though they lova and marry another woman.” How can you claim that these men love their wives and are still ok with hurting them by sharing the special relationship once they has with first wife with another woman, by being absent from the life of their wife and children for 50 or more percent of times. So your claim that these men love their wives is inaccurate because if they do they won’t force something so painful on their wife. It can be true for wives who are willing to live a polygamous lifestyle and have been given a real choice to choose it or not but still chose it.
    Everything is not as you believe it is. I am sure that many women on this blog are not dependent on their husbands to provide for them. Fiona has a career and also her to-be-child’s father to care for her emotional and other needs. I am monogamous, married to a man who believes in justice and equality. We are not here to complain. We are here to express our concern, discuss and voice our opinions on the injustice and oppression of our fellow human beings through the practice of polygyny.

  22. Well said, Laila. I posted on Fiona’s most recent entry a thought I had about men being the providers/maintainers of us weak little women and how the practice of polygyny flies completely in the face of that. Men are supposed to be stronger, hence their role of provider and maintainer according to Islam – yet these men give lie to that and let the little head steer them around and get them into bed with other women (face it – that IS the driving force, all that nonsense about spreading the Ummah and worshipping the big guy in the sky together is just that – NONSENSE).

    If women are 100% on board with sharing a husband, fine and dandy….if not, stop condemning them for wanting their husbands to actually practice what you preach and what in most of our cases they promised to do the day they married us – fidelity. Period. End of story.

  23. Just to clarify, I wasn’t addressing you in the second paragraph LOL…I know you know where things really are in this issue – I was speaking in general, and to folks like Zach and righttotalk on this blog – sexist apologists.

  24. Unchained, no worries I totally understand what you wrote was general. Most of us here are on same page except a few people who come here to give excuses for this oppressive practice. I agree even the concept of men being protectors and providers doesn’t go well with Polygyny. I don’t understand how a husband can better protect his family by being away from his family half the nights. Especially in developing countries where police doesn’t show up quickly and safety of families is basically considered responsibility of the man in family.

  25. Basically, polygyny doesn’t make sense from any point of view. I have tried to understand it from cultural, religious perspective but no it isn’t right. All it comes down to is that women don’t have rights, they are either conditioned or forced to accept the practice. Many polygamy forums blame western men to be cheaters and disrespectful towards women. I came from India to US and found that all that we see and her in international media is too negative. It’s not true for majority of people I have met here. I have seen very simple people and very devoted to their families. I think that’s true about every other country. Majority of people are good and trying to do the right thing. I am believe same for Muslim countries. People follow these oppressive practices because their religion or cultures accepts this practice. If you tell me it’s legal to slap someone if you feel a natural urge to do that I probably will not try to control my anger. Same way these men are told in mosques, by some Govts that it’s all right to bring a new wife whenever they please then these men also don’t try to control their lust.

  26. I am here sister. Don’t have much to say since you al have decided you know better than Allah.

  27. @righttotalk, many people here are not Muslim so the concept of Allah might be foreign to them. As you sound like someone who believes Allah you might want to listen to what Allah says through Quran. Maybe read the other threads that discuss what’s written in Quran about polygamy and let us know your views on that. If you think that Allah knows better than you then I hope you will agree with what’s written in Quran.

  28. I see it happen again and again. When people cannot think of any intelligent answer then they resort to blaming others of disrespecting their religion or God. If their only reason to follow something is because Allah/ Quran says so then at least they should pay attention to what’s being said in Quran. It crystal clear what Quran says about polygamy.

  29. and Thanks Mariam for reading and supporting.
    @righttotalk we are all ears. Please let us know your thoughts. Also wanted to mention that I am not here to argue or win or to put anyone or their religion down. I am here because I am curious and want to engage in a good dialogue with people to understand thinking process of people who practice or support polygyny.

  30. //You will be more beautiful than any of the hoor and your husband will be the only man who will please you and be attractive to you, be it your husband of this world or a husband granted to you in Jannah and there will be no jealousy or pain in your heart. Everything else you must put in the hands of Allah! //

    where does it say in the quran that a wife will have tomarry his husband in jannah ? and that she will be more beautiful to some hooris?

    can you cite a reference, where you are deriving this fantasy stuff? Game Of Thrones is a better fiction than yours.

  31. I am not sure about the marriage of a woman back to her husband after death, now of course if one or both of them disliked each other it doesn’t make sense to have them married even in Akhirah.

    As for the second part, I heard and read that worldly women (not a wife only) in Paradise will be more superior and beautiful than the hoor, since they performed prayer, fasted, and worshiped Allah, along with other good actions. That is what I know. You could check it up yourself too.

  32. Basicly Islam is about informations about who you are, where you are, what to do, . This is what we have to have an understanding About.

    Marriage is an importan case. But, the most important understanding in it is about ‘how’ Allah create all creature.

    Be patience about bad thing happen is not easy. But sometime we are tested to.

  33. Only The thought of sharing a woman make men especially Muslim men go crazy but they expect a woman to be happy and very happy when her husband take another wife ,how disgusting is this? One of the question UMMU SALAM RA ask prophet Muhammad SAW when he wanted to marry is ,I am a very jealous women I cannot share a husband ,he did not tell her your ungrateful you will never smell jannah like the so called scholars of to day ,he did not force her instead he told her I will pray for you so that Allah remove jealousy from your heart.i don’t know where they get you will never smell jannah nonsense .they don’t own jannah only Allah is the owner of jannah

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