Q&A Why are you Hurting your Husband with Polygamy?

ThreeringsQuestion: Salaams Fiona

I have been reading some of your posts and I am sometimes upset and sometimes worried and saddened by your disregard for the wisdom of sharia. I have some questions.

When you have your child, whom shall the child call father and whom shall the child obey? And whose name shall the child carry?

Polygamy is healthy and safe but polyandry brings much risk of std, how can you defend that?

How can you keep woman’s feminine nature in caring for her house, husband and children if you must act like a man?

How can you respect a husband who allows you to have another man?

How can you live with this pain and jealousy and hurt that you are giving your husband?

Polygamy is allowed with restrictions to be fair and just and protect your wives and care for them. It is allowed because it is good for the women and children too. If you are jealous or hurting you could have had help from a wise imam or a good online forum and it makes me much sad to see you hurt your husband and children instead.

I wish you well and hope you will make good on this.

Peace.

Answer: Wow. I’ll just bite my tongue and hope somebody else will answer this, as I think I’d better calm down before I put anything down in print. //F

 

15 thoughts on “Q&A Why are you Hurting your Husband with Polygamy?

  1. Good God/dess, who the hell wrote that utter claptrap? SMFH. Yeah I think I will sit this one out too. About to head into work and would be sitting here til lunch hour screaming lol!

  2. I’ll take a stab at it, since I am always trying to find the right way to respond to people who are stupid but have power, and so the stupidity of their words is hidden underneath the veneer of power. But I hope others will step in here also.

    “Dear” “Peace”:
    This is per your ” questions”. First you said that you are: ” saddened by your disregard for the wisdom of sharia.” The reason you have feelings about what someone else is doing with their life is likely because you are not paying attention to your own life.

    You asked: “whom shall the child call father” The father.

    You asked: “and whom shall the child obey?” The mother and the father.

    You said:” Polygamy is healthy and safe but polyandry brings much risk of std” . I’m not sure where you got your education, but that notwithstanding, you have just revealed a basic fact about the male psyche. They have an unconsciously low opinion of themselves. IMO, that is the main reason men strut around the way they do.

    You asked: “How can you keep woman’s feminine nature in caring for her house, husband and children if you must act like a man” Are you a woman? If not, quit talking about what feminine nature is.

    You asked: “How can you live with this pain and jealousy and hurt that you are giving your husband” Well, let us know how you live with the pain and jealousy you cause the women who have the misfortune to be your plural wives, and we’ll take some tips.

    You said: “it makes me much sad to see you hurt your husband and children”. See response to the first comment.

    You said: “I wish you well and hope you will make good on this”. Do you believe that your admission into jennah depends upon women doing what you want them to do? Is this why you are disguising an obvious power grab underneath a veneer of well wishes for the women? Telling you for the 3rd time to go back to the response to the first comment probably won’t work. So let me make you a litte Venn diagram; the circles do not intersect. What a woman does is none of your business.

    Do you have any more questions.?
    D

  3. Child will call Graham his father as Fiona has already made that clear in her posts. Her first husband cannot father children anymore since long. This Muslim man knew he cannot father anymore children but he still got married to your young 16 year old Muslimah sister who now cannot bring any muslim babies into this world! Thats the problem you and your Sharia should be worried about not what a non-Muslim (Fiona) did with her life when her husband left her sick and almost dying.

  4. Asslaamu Alaykum,

    I think sometimes it’s very hard for someone has has been raised in a particular religion or culture to understand differing views and practices. Though I personally believe Islam is the truth, and follow it myself, I wasn’t always a Muslim. I was once a Christian, so I can understand their views also. Before I was a Christian, I was nothing. Suffice it to say that I can understand the worldviews of others, and grasp why they do what they do, even if I don’t share their values or would do the same things myself.

    I think for you (questioner, sorry- you didn’t mention your name so I’m not sure if you’re male or female), it’s difficult to understand Fiona’s life and choices, and the way she understands and believes. To you it may seem very black/white, right/wrong. But you have to understand, when someone comes with a very specific idea of what is “correct” to someone else who has a different standard of what is “correct”, or maybe no such standard at all, there is not going to be the same conclusions.

    Fiona has her own belief system, her own morality. She has been open about where she disagrees with Islam, as she understands it. You can’t expect someone who doesn’t share your belief system to submit to its tenets, and that’s the case with any religion.

    That being said, there are still some aspects of your specifc questions that are besides the point. The child will carry its father’s name and obey its father. There is no question of paternity here, as Fiona reminded me that her first husband (Mark) is sterile. Graham is undoubtedly the father, the one who will pass on his name to the child and the one who will be the ultimate authority in the child’s life along with Fiona. I’m sure, however, Fiona will raise the child to have a meaningful relationship and respect for Mark as well, assuming he continues to cooperate with the situation.

    Polygamy is no more “safe” than polyandry when it comes to STDs. You only need to have sex with one infected person to catch anything they might have. Women and men are equally at risk of getting anything, and the risk is only directly related to the number of sexual partners one has over a lifetime, not which gender they happen to be. For example, I have a friend who contracted gonnorhea from her first husband. He caught when he was engaging in premarital sex before converting to Islam, so that means he -a man- caught it from a woman. It may have even been the time he lost his virginity, who knows! Anyway, he married, gave it to his wife (my friend), and then they divorced. She remarried into polygamy as a second wife to someone she cared about. She gave the gonnorhea to her new husband, who has presumably passed it along to his first wife. No one here engaged in polyandry, and no one sinned. The first husband’s sins of fornication were erased when he converted to islam.

    I’m sure Fiona would counter your third question by saying something that indicates her definition of femininity doesn’t match yours. There isn’t one standard definition of what makes a man a man, or a woman a woman, if they don’t subscribe to a particular belief system. I’m willing to bet that Fiona feels no less feminine than she did before she became polyandrous. The same goes for her respect for Mark. Respecting someone has to do with your personal values. If she doesn’t value the same things you do, she’s not going to feel she has a lack of respect for him because based on the values she and Mark share, there is a level of respect she is satisfied with. Albeit, I suspect if she did struggle to respect him, it happened when he first took another wife and forced her into polygamy against her wishes.

    When you ask how she can live with herself knowing the pain she is causing others by choosing polyandry, that’s an unfair question from the start. Any type of relationship can cause pain. Polygamy causes PLENTY of pain, and I can personally attest to that. Monogamy can cause PLENTY of pain, too. If that’s a reason not to make certain choices, then most people will argue that we should also do away with polygamy for the same reasons. We should also be willing to divorce the first time a monogamous spouse hurts us emotionally.

    Finally, suggesting to Fiona to seek help by going to an imam seems naive. Fiona probably wouldn’t respect or value the view of an imam, because she doesn’t share his belief system. Most imams are ineffectual anyway, because they don’t have working knowledge of psychology, family relationships, or western cultural idealogy to make a meaningful assessment of a situation. Rather, they often stick to the letter of the law, usually interpreted within their personal cultural biases. They don’t factor in the emotional nature of the situation, or the individual strengths and weaknesses of the participants. All this would be needed to give helpful guidance.

    In summary, you are essentially asking Fiona: why don’t you see and do things the way Muslims do?

    And the answer simply is, because she’s not Muslim.

    You can either respect that and accept her as she is, or reject her and move on with your life and values in a way you’re most comfortable with.

  5. Well, let’s see. I am making an assumption about the gender of the person who asked these questions. If it’s a woman, then obviously (to me) she’s been indoctrinated and not allowed to educate herself.

    > When you have your child, whom shall the child call father and whom shall the child obey? And whose name shall the child carry?

    If both men are acting as fathers, then the child should obey both. It’s Fiona’s choice as to who’s surname the child should take (if it’s Grant’s child, why wouldn’t it take his?) And if the surname causes any friction, the child can just use Fiona’s maiden name. After all, SHE knows she’s the mother of the child. In fact, a woman ALWAYS knows she’s the mother of a child, unlike a man. So why shouldn’t the mother be the one in charge and passing on her name?

    > Polygamy is healthy and safe but polyandry brings much risk of std, how can you defend that?

    And with this question you prove that you know nothing about biology and the health sciences. There are plenty of STDs spread by men. HIV, gonorrhea, syphillis, genital warts… I could go on, but I figure if you’re smart enough to send an email to Fiona, you can figure out how to use Google. If you can’t, then you deserve every STD that you ever get, though I feel sorry for the people you’re passing it along to.

    > How can you keep woman’s feminine nature in caring for her house, husband and children if you must act like a man?

    This sounds like a man who’s scared of women who can think for themselves.

    But this question is probably rooted in a misunderstanding of culture. Femininity doesn’t define itself as nurturing. There are plenty of examples in other species of females with no mothering or caring instinct, which can be a male trait instead. Or, neither gender of a specific mated pair could have those “instincts” which leaves their offspring in a lot of trouble.

    The thing is, you are pushing off your own image of what “female” should be onto other people. Just because you want to be a female of this nature, doesn’t mean other women want to be. Your personal bias is your problem. Not Fiona’s. Not mine. Not anyone else’s.

    Just an FYI: I am a female who wears pants, programs as a day job, has worked with truckers and changed oil in past jobs, and pretty much does what she wants regardless of what other people think I should do. My relationship status, child-rearing abilities, or housecleaning talents have nothing to do with how I act. I’m not “acting like a man” and neither is Fiona. We are acting like intelligent, independent, responsible adults. (Responsible = owning our mistakes and cooping with life’s difficulties in a mature manner).

    > How can you respect a husband who allows you to have another man?

    What has Mark done to earn her respect lately?

    Respect does not exist in a vacuum or a priori. It grows as someone else puts forth the effort to earn it. It is each individual’s choice about whether or not they wish to respect someone. Neither you nor I can dictate “respect” to Fiona or any other person. Nor do we have the right to ask this question.

    > How can you live with this pain and jealousy and hurt that you are giving your husband?

    How can he live with the pain and jealousy and hurt that he caused (and is causing) her?

  6. Oh dear. OK, I’ll try and answer this one. Fiona, please correct me if I’m wrong in anything.

    1)When you have your child, whom shall the child call father and whom shall the child obey? And whose name shall the child carry?

    The actual father’s. The other husband will probably be called ‘uncle’ or something similar.Problem solved.

    2) Polygamy is healthy and safe but polyandry brings much risk of std, how can you defend that?

    Where is your research to support that? There is none, right? That’s false propaganda.

    3) How can you keep woman’s feminine nature in caring for her house, husband and children if you must act like a man?

    Where do you get these gender roles? The Koran? Fiona is not a follower of Islam. You cannot tell a non Muslim woman to behave like a Muslim woman. Not to mention that Fiona is educated, and some women see their lives as something other than barefoot and pregnant.
    Finally, if the first husband had not taken another wife, this situation would NEVER have happened. Make/bed/lie

    4) How can you respect a husband who allows you to have another man?

    The same way the first husband had the demand that Fiona accept a second wife, so the husband must accept another husband. Also, it shows that he understands his mistake. Love knows no bounds.

    5) How can you live with this pain and jealousy and hurt that you are giving your husband?

    See #4

    6) Polygamy is allowed with restrictions to be fair and just and protect your wives and care for them.

    How? All I have seen is pain and suffering.
    7) It is allowed because it is good for the women and children too.

    Again, how? Its good for children to see their father with another woman, and other kids? Please. I was 30 years old, and when I heard my sister in law (rightfully) calling MY mother ‘mum’ it was like a knife in the heart.

    8) If you are jealous or hurting you could have had help from a wise imam or a good online forum and it makes me much sad to see you hurt your husband and children instead.

    What ‘help’ are you talking about? That Fiona would be ‘helped’ into accepting a fate that her husband so thoughtlessly inflicted on her? NO. Fiona is not some obedient, meek and fearful brain washed woman.

    Good on her.

    Hats off, and if any OTHER men out tyhere are thinking about springing a ‘second wife’ on their unsuspecting lawful spouse, let them read this story.

    Thank you Fiona for being brave, and thank you for sharing this story.

    We will never know how many families you have saved.

  7. Fiona, about the new baby coming (congrats on that by the way), I do have some questions. In the US a child born to a married woman is assumed legally to be the child of her husband even if there is proof otherwise. Does the UK have a similar law? If so, is Mark okay with that? Where does that leave Graham (legally speaking) if something should happen to you?
    Also…if your first husband does/did decide to take back his #2, does your having a child with your second husband alter in any way your decision to divorce #1 if he has a child with his #2?

  8. That is a very thoughtful and well written reply, Jamylah. Thank you. I don’t know whether the OP to whom you are writing will be able to hear it though. To understand what you wrote, one has to be able to entertain 2 ideas together: “I personally believe Islam is the truth” as you said, and as you also said, “I can understand their views also”.

    First of all, very few people make an effort to understand what they do not agree with. (Or in the case of this OP, does not serve their purposes.) Second, to certain types of people, there is no such thing as entertaining truth on one hand, and entertaining the idea that there also exist non-truths that are humanely realistic. That notwithstanding, I felt quite rested emotionally after reading your post. That’s why I said thank you.

    Also, on October 13th, 2013, under the Recent Post “Can we be one family in polygamy”. I wrote you a reply to an entry you had previously made. This was the last reply before Fiona needed to let the blog go dormant for healing and recovery time. My comment to you is still there if you are so inclined.

  9. Fiona! You’re back 🙂 I just decided to check this blog on a whim and what a lovely surprise to see you’re writing again! Congratulations on your pregnancy, I don’t have kids yet but can only imagine how wonderful it must feel. I’m so happy you’re back! 🙂

  10. I am sorry but I cant agree. A man who marries two wives or more does it to provide for the women and protect them and take responsibility for the ummah and live sunnah. He makes great sacrifices to do this and is to be respected for it. Fiona only took a second lover to hurt her husband and ridicule Islam is my feeling. I must be honest but don’t mean to offend. A wife ows her husband to be chaste and obedient. and a husband must be kind and a good leader to his household. Fiona beliittles her husband.

  11. *alternates between shaking her head, laughing her ass off and beating head on the desk.*

  12. Brisha,
    Your agreement is not relevant. So the rest of your post is moot.

  13. I don’t agree with you. Many men take a second wife simply for their own pleasures. Why else don’t we see many polygamous muslim men taking older women as wives? Why are the second wife almost always younger than the first wife?

    Yes, in the prophet’s (pbuh) time, polygamy was a good thing. It saved lives of the women whose husband’s died in war, and they had no one to provide for them. THOSE men should be respected. I can’t respect the polygamists of today who does it only for selfish pleasure and have absolutely no regard for their first wife’s feelings. It seems so horribly cruel.

    And I don’t think Fiona belittles her husband, he did the same thing to her! He didn’t care how hurt she was! If he can’t accept this lifestyle, and I don’t even know why he does since he claims to be muslim, he should give her a divorce and walk away. No one is forcing him.

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