Q&A Should I become his Second Wife?

En_boca_cerrada_no_entran_moscasQuestion: I am struggling with this right now alhamdoulillah it is all a test from Allah to know ourselves better and to challenge ourselves. I have met the first man in my life that I think is better than my own father but he is married with 2 children and one on the way. He wants a second wife as his first wife chose to move back to her home of origin to be close to her family and leave him alone. Even though she isn’t able to provide him with the marriage he wants, he won’t divorce her because he feels fully responsible for her and won’t abandon her. I respect this and feel guilty for even entertaining the thought of him doing this to her in my head. I don’t know what to do. He is incredible and sweet and caring and gentle and a good Muslim mashaAllah… but he already has a wife and I am so afraid that this jealousy will eat me up inside for the rest of my days if I marry him. The thought of him going to visit his wife and being with her physically and emotionally wrenches my heart and turns my stomach and it is not even my right to feel this way right now as I am not his wife. I am at a critical point and must make a decision. I cannot speak with my family about this as they are A.) not Muslim and B.) would never accept this situation. They would think that I’ve settled instead of getting what I deserve. If a man loves you more than words can express, wants to take full care of you like a Muslim man should, treat you like his wife, his best friend, his sister, his daughter, his mother, his princess and his queen and give you the world if he can… are you settling for less because he already has a wife?

Answer: Dear Kat,

I can feel your pain. But I must tell you, I can feel hers too. She is married to him, she is expecting his baby. I am pregnant too, and I can’t imagine the pain if my husband, the father of the child I’m carrying, would tell me he’s taking another wife. The thought is unbearable. No woman should ever have to go through that.

Remember, men can only do that to their wives, if other women are willing to aid and abet. Yes, I can see you love this man. But already, that means that you have committed a sin according to islam. There is no such thing as mixing or falling in love that is allowed if you are a believer. You have fallen in love with another woman’s husband. A woman who is pregnant with his child.

How would you feel if that happened to you? Do unto your sister what you would have done unto you!

The jealousy, the pain in sharing, the nausea in knowing he has been making love to her just before he comes to you – it’s all nothing compared to the sheer betrayal.

So, think of his wife. And do unto her what you would have done unto yourself.

Love, F

10 thoughts on “Q&A Should I become his Second Wife?

  1. I have to wonder if this man is all that if his wife is willing to leave him and go back to her country, that too while pregnant. And what if she decides she cannot be apart from her husband, the children’s father, and she returns? How will it be then? Don’t do it. For her sake and that of her children as well as your own.

  2. Hello Kat,
    Since you are writing in with questions, I have some questions for you.

    You said: “it is all a test from Allah to know ourselves better and to challenge ourselves” I realize that this is a statement of faith, so I won’t question that. My question is, what is the “it” that you refer to?

    You said: “he won’t divorce her because he feels fully responsible for her and won’t abandon her.” This sounds like you believe he is acting out of virtue. Do you believe he is a man of virtue?

    You said: “I am so afraid that this jealousy will eat me up inside for the rest of my days if I marry him.” Are you primarily worried about your own feelings, and your own future?

    You said: “I cannot speak with my family about this as they are….” Do you want your marriage to become a connected piece of your larger family?

    You concluded by saying: “are you settling for less because he already has a wife?” Kat, nowhere in your post, have I seen one single word about anyone except you. You sound just like the men who write in here.
    D

  3. Hi Fiona, I appreciate you responding. I truly do not intend to sound harsh. (Looking at words on a screen tends to create that effect.) It’s just that when someone is about to damage someone else’s life so irretrievably, I see no reason to participate in the vocabulary game that she has established in order to make herself look better to herself.

    People lay references to Allah, and virtuous living over actions that are in fact just average ordinary hurtful and selfish choices with real consequences. Why? Because it’s not fun to think about ordinary wrong doing. It’s more fun to think about ethereal ideas that are ungrounded. Kat sounds very young, and I was totally preoccupied with my own feelings when I was young too. What she doesn’t realize is that the hurt you do to others catches up with you as you get older.

  4. I wish somebody could have told my husband’s #2 that before it was too late. Love to you Dale, and thank you for your friendship, for I do regard you as a friend. I’m grateful you’re here.

  5. Dale, I couldn’t agree more with every word. I wish someone would have told the wretch that became my cowife all of this too. Well, I certainly tried, but I was the last person she was going to take any advice from. Oh well 😛

  6. “. If a man loves you more than words can express, wants to take full care of you like a Muslim man should, treat you like his wife, his best friend, his sister, his daughter, his mother, his princess and his queen and give you the world if he can… are you settling for less because he already has a wife?”

    You are already settling for less. He cannot treat you as his ‘queen’ or ‘princess’ …because he already has one. You will always be less and get less. You’ll be the wife of convenience. The convenient screw, if you will.

    ” Even though she isn’t able to provide him with the marriage he wants, he won’t divorce her because he feels fully responsible for her and won’t abandon her.”

    That’s what alimony and child support is for. If he divorces her it doesn’t mean it can’t be amicable and they can’t be on friendly terms, especially as they have children. Supporting her doesn’t mean he needs to keep fucking her. Unless this is what she wants, to have a quasi marriage with a great deal of independence and less love but financial support, he is doing wrong by her. She deserves the chance to have a proper and full marriage, someone that loves her and loves the family they have built together.

    It is clear that there is a lot he isn’t telling you. If you really want to marry this man (why?), you need to take a step back and think really hard. Can you be with a man who, instead of following his family, chooses simply to take on another wife? A man who acts as if women are interchangeable?

    If you decide all that pain is worth it, that you will marry this man, then ask to speak with his wife. Remember, you never just marry one person…invariably you end up marrying their family as they will be in his life and yours, and she is his family too.

  7. Well stated, Allie 🙂
    My experiences with #2’s have come primarily from Ana’s blog (except of course when I was in a polygynous marriage and dealing with my co-wife) and I see so much delusion going on. #2 wives truly come on the scene playing this innocent act “I love my co-wife (the first wife) like a sister” and claim they’d never EVER do anything to hurt her, but we can see different with one glance at 411. Laila (not the Laila here) being a perfect example. The infamous Carolinah being another, if what Ana reports is true. And I have my own horror stories. The one exception I can think of at 411 might be Gail, who seems for whatever reason to want her husband to reunite with his cousin, the ex #1 in their marriage. Jenny, I don’t even know what to think about her.

    So while Kat here wants to marry this guy, I’m absolutely certain deep down that if wife #1 were to drop off the face of the earth, that would be just fine and dandy with Kat. She’s already buying into what I suspect is a pack of bullshit her intended is handing her about wife #1, which is setting herself up to believe she’s going to be all that and more and wife #1 is of no consequence. I could be wrong of course, but I’ve heard this story countless times before and #2’s fall for it every time. Then when the truth comes out (say, #1 and the kids return) boy is that a reality check.

    My ex told my #2 I neglected him. That we had not been intimate in months. That he was lonely. She believed that made her special and she went out of her way to fill the perceived void in his life, much like this guy wants Kat to do. Well, when I found out, and found out about the lies my husband had filled her silly head with, AND informed her that the neglect went both ways, she got a rude awakening. I wasn’t going anywhere. Not then. And she was in a RAGE that she’d been “duped”. I suppose I should feel sorry for her but come on, this woman was no innocent flower, she is my age and had been married before. AND had been in the position of being #2 before. This was nothing new for her. As I informed her, if he was SO unhappy with me he could have left me and gotten a divorce, I sure wasn’t stopping him. He didn’t and that shoulda told her something right there.

    Anyways, sorry for the rambling – too much coffee this morning! 😛

  8. Maybe it’s cynical of me but I think Gail is okay with it because she knows her husband wants nothing to do with the cousin. It’s easy to root for something that is never gonna happen.

    #2s fall for this because on some level they WANT to believe they’re the special angel come to save the (usually worthless) man’s life. It’s a rare #2 that doesn’t want #1 gone deep down. Odds are they get a thrill of being so seductive or special to be able to *take* another woman’s man and that’s intoxicating on a base level. It’s a rare #2 (or +) that will admit it but it’s a very human response. The sense of power the #2 gets from that will just keep growing during the honeymoon phase until reality kicks in and she sees #1 is still there. That’s when she realises it’s a false power and the one holding all the cards the whole time has been the man and she gets angry. If she gets angry at him, she risks the chance of losing him to #1. If she gets angry at #1 and manages to drive her off, she gets a taste of that power again. It’s not about love, it’s about not being the first one to say uncle.

  9. Great replies guys, it is quite scary to me how far this power play and selfishness, which may have started innocently, can push itself to. More people need to read these posts. Yikes.

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