I told my Husbands I was Pregnant

Backlit_Pink_Rose_Interior_With_Drops_(209284324)So, I knew I was pregnant.

I sat in the conservatory and looked at the late roses. A life was growing inside of me and my life would never be the same. I was happy. I was afraid.

I told Graham. The way he looked when he understood – I’ll never forget it. It was sheer joy. He cried. I have never seen him cry like that before, with a great smile on his face, tears running down his cheeks. He kept saying “I love you”. I am so grateful I got to share that moment with him.

Next day, I told Mark. He cried too.

And he said he would never forgive me. That this was the end.

He said it was disgusting, that he would never be able to touch me again, that I had ruined our marriage. He said he wanted a divorce. He left.

I was devastated. Why couldn’t we just live our lives and be happy?

Couldn’t things just get easier? Ever?

50 thoughts on “I told my Husbands I was Pregnant

  1. Dear Fiona, I am so glad your are back! I have missed you sooo much. ๐Ÿ™‚ Congratulations on the baby! Do you know if it’s a boy or a girl?
    I think Mark was extremely selfish the way he reacted. I mean, he had been talking about wanting a baby with #2, and about going through surgery in order to be able to, right? So what right did he have to get mad at you??? ^^ But you said he came back? What made him see reason?

  2. This is one of most hurtful things i have read. This is why polygamy is only for men who can provide for wifes with children and not like you force husband to have other mans child. This is so shameful what will life be to this bastard child you should be ashamed and what man shall be father to this child?

  3. Urban,
    Men have been forcing women to tolerate their husbands having sex and making babies with another woman. Now you see a man going through the pain of his wife having a child with another man and its hurtful to you! The post clearly says Graham is the Father of this child.

  4. Laila,
    I’m not going to address this to “Urban” because I’ve decided not to waste any more time with dingbats. When I talked about people writing in who are totally insane? His entry is what I was referring to. And I’m glad his eyes were hurt in the reading, it’s about time. (Although his question suggests that he may not know how to read.)

    Fiona’s blog has almost from the beginning had the effect of bringing these men out of the woodwork and showing them for what they truly are, underneath all the religious language.

  5. I believe it is really cheap to come here to try and defame Ana. She has a right to vent because you treated her with no respect the way you lied to get her husband, the way you threw your sleazy sexlife in her face, the way you’ve tried to manipulate her by playing tricks with the schedule and so on. You have no right at all to reveal her secrets or say crappy things about her. She is a pious woman who is coping with her husband having a sordid “marriage” (no proof you were really wed now is there?) with a piece of white trash. That’s you. Nobody wants to hear your story Carolinah.

  6. It’s funny Dale, we see some men over at Ana’s too, but they are there mainly to either brag about being great polygamous husbands or to be supported in their choice to become polygamous without the consent of the first wife. Here, they feel threatened and they come here to lash out, or to teach me to mend my ways ๐Ÿ™‚

  7. Fa,
    I can see that you are upset. What exactly are you upset about? I suggest you take some private time and answer that question, because nothing that you are saying makes sense, except in the world of someone who is hurt.

    No one is being defamed, because no one as far as I know has revealed who they are. No one said that Ana did not have a right to vent, and no one has taken that away from her. Unless you know Ana personally, you only know of herself through her own words, so how do you assess how “pious” she is? And your perjorative racial comment is an example of how little one’s religious self portrait reflects reality.

  8. Ugh, I have read Ana’s blog from start finish, especially in the beginning when I first found out my husband had a secret wife and 3 kids.
    I read her blog to try and understand what was happening to me. One thing that blog ALWAYS did to me, is make me feel worse, make me feel worthless and more depressed. I have stopped reading her blog because it makes feel horrible.

  9. Salaams sis Dale,
    I am sorry for women here who are told bad things that will bring them to sin against Allah and disobey their husbands who can be their heaven or their hell. If you do this things against your husband he will be your hell and you will pay there for the sins. But it is shame that good muslimahs can read this and be sad and worst because of what they read here. Your should want what is good for your sisters not that they be nashiz!

  10. Urban, salaam bro. I read your post, but I wasn’t talking to you, I was talking to Laila. Focus on your own deen, not on that of others.

  11. Thanks Dale. I wonder at times if these men are actually aware of the hurt they cause their wife and children when deciding to be polygamous. Somehow I feel somewhere inside they are guilty of doing this to their first family. Which causes them to speak about their rights and so on, which nowhere helps at all and makes the wife and children feel even more oppressed and not understood. To an extent these men are burying their own guilt and shame. It could be their environment and patriarchal minded people who taught them as men they have the upper hand in these matters and the women should just obey and listen to her husband. Fiona’s blog really did do an effect on shooting an arrow at this type of thinking, and I am grateful for that, and many other readers aswell.

  12. I guess people are not used to having the table turned on them and seeing reality from the other side. And that much of men and women’s feelings, emotions and sense of possessiveness towards their spouses is the same. This confusion of paternity is something that existed before, but now due to modern science its not a problem to find out at all. Fiona is married to both her husbands, so you cant point a finger at her and blame her for bringing a child out of wedlock or any other accusatory term to her.

  13. Fa, what made you so angry and use racist comments, who told you what race Carolinah is ? Are you Fa or Ana herself

  14. I wish you were a female yourself so you could understand the position of a female. There needs to be more female Muslim scholars in the world who are well knowledgeable and comes from an empowering place instead of oppressive place so Islam is interpreted in a way that benefits both females and males without them feeling subjugated and oppressed. Fiona here preaches equality between males and females so both their wishes and needs can be heard. People having misogynic mindset means females are basically taught to ‘shut up and put out’ and to ‘serve’ their husbands as though they are their masters and they themselves are slaves who cannot voice out their feelings. This is wrong and immoral and haram aswell, since husbands will be questioned about how they treated their families on the Day of Judgement.

    I personally am very choosy about which male scholars I listen to regarding women. There is no room for love to grow, only fear, if women are simply taught to ‘obey’ their husbands and be ‘good wives’ regardless, if they arent taught aswell to listen their feelings and desires and to come from an empowering place. Thats all I have to say.

  15. Blah blah blah Urban. Take your stupid religious dogma and watch my karma run it over. Turnabout is fair play, and that’s what Fiona’s done. She faced a horrible, heartbreaking betrayal in her marriage and made the best lemonade out of the basket of rotten lemons her first husband threw her into. I for one applaud and admire her for being strong enough not to take the crap that people like Ana and yourself think we should do, to attain some mythical “Jannah”. She found Graham, found love, and together they’ve created a life, literally. It’s beautiful, and only those with ugly brainwashed minds would think otherwise. Like yourself, for example.
    Obey a husband? OBEY a lying cheating prick? Right. Not in this lifetime or any other. I divorced mine and am single and happier than I ever was in my marriage. You go cuddle up with your books and your invisible guy in the sky and keep deluding yourself that just because you have a dick you have some unique privileges over us women.

  16. Speak for yourself Fa. I’m very eager to hear Carolinah’s story. I guess if you’re following Ana like a blind sheep, you’re all butthurt that Carolinah actually has an equal right to be heard, but that’s the facts Jack. And if that’s truly our Carolinah, thank God/dess she found this blog where she can freely speak.

  17. And Fa, how the hell can you sit there and write the following with a straight face? “You have no right at all to reveal her secrets or say crappy things about her.”

    REALLY? Isn’t that what Ana’s been doing to her for literally years? I mean, all these things you’re accusing Carolinah of…sordid sex life, screwing with their schedule, etc…well, gee whiz, how do you know this? Because ANA has been bitching about it, right? So Ana has the right to defame Carolinah, but Carolinah has NO RIGHT to speak? Are you seriously saying that? WTF is wrong with you? SMH!!!!

  18. Unchained, I loved your closing sentence here and loled while reading it “You go cuddle up with your books and your invisible guy in the sky and keep deluding yourself that just because you have a dick you have some unique privileges over us women.”
    You made my day ๐Ÿ™‚
    I am glad to hear that you took the brave step to take charge of your life and live happily. This blog gives me so much hope for all the women who are suffering and for all the future women who hopefully won’t buy this patriarchial shit in the name of religion.

  19. Thanks Laila! (I must say your name weirds me out due to the Laila at Ana’s LOL) I was one of the deluded ones back during my coping-with-polygyny-and-insane-cowife days. I thought I was being SO strong, accepting forced polygyny, allowing my then-husband to treat me like crap while he spewed out all the loving (bullshit) words and making love to me like I was his goddess incarnate (self-deluded bullshit) and oh, the competitive streak this whole thing brought out in me! “Anything she can do, I can do better” was my mantra.

    But even despite all the hatred and anger and bitterness and grief, I wanted SO badly to embrace my new reality (and the Islam Ana and her ilk preached to support it). I just couldn’t do it, though, not long term. I wasn’t Muslim when it first happened. I tried to BE Muslim as part of my efforts to understand and accept what I’d found my marriage in, but deep down…no. I was a Pagan, and that free-spirited earthmama never left during the months I tried to live Islamically. But really, I was the poster child for Stockholm Syndrome ๐Ÿ˜ฆ The sad thing is, had I held onto my pagan beliefs, I might have gone out and gotten me another guy. But my self-esteem, which was iffy to begin with, was shot to hell when my husband cheated on me and then married the homewrecking twat. Instead, I suffered alone and thought Allah would really reward me, especially when I was kind to that hateful woman. It’s a test and I have to pass it, etc….of course trying to embrace Islam I had to keep myself chaste only for that dog who sure the hell didn’t deserve it, but that’s what we’re taught as “Muslimahs” so there you go.

    Now, however, I’m divorced, I’m happy, back to my Pagan practices, single, enjoying life, though not yet dating, dunno if I ever will. This really fucked my head up, sorry for the language but that’s the brutal truth. It really damaged something deep inside me. An introvert before all of this, I am beyond introverted now, except chatting like now, then you cannot shut me up.

    My ex is still chasing the #2 around. Not sure if they’ll really end up being a monogamous couple (though it’s looking that way until he gets that itch again, at least) and of course he emphatically denies anything to do with her, but I have my ways of knowing the truth and as per usual, he’s a lying sack of shit. Good riddance.

  20. I was just checking into polygamy 411 as I have been out of touch for a while and stumbled on 911 instead. All I can say is AstaghfrulALLAH – some of you are just making your own rules out of spite because your life is not going the way you planned. Allah tests us with hardships; Allah is with those who are patient. Islam is the truth, the Quran is the truth, the prophet Muhammad (pbuh) his sunnah and hadith is our guidance. Having two husbands plays no part in Islam, end of. As for the ‘invisible guy in the sky’ you will one day be faced with the LORD who created you and you will be wishing that you could get close to the ‘mythical’ jennah!

  21. Hello Huda, and welcome!
    I know your story, and I’m so sorry. โค But I don't understand what you mean by stating we make our own rules. All people who choose to censor Allah and leave the first half of the verse on polygyny in the quran out are making their own rules – your husband e.g. I on the other hand am only following the entire verse on married women being allowed to marry again if they give themselves to their husbands, so I'm not making my own rules ๐Ÿ™‚ And the Jennah where men have 72 whores and two wives and where the wives get to spend eternity knowing the husband is off fucking 72 whores – well you can keep it. ๐Ÿ˜‰ Since you live here in the UK, your husband is also a bigamist who should be in prison. And most muslim scholars agree that a muslim must abide by the law of the land, so it sounds like your husband won't be seing anything of jennah anyway…And oh, for your own sake, please take the time to read the posts on STD:s here, since your two-timing husband might very well be carrying both acari and death to your bed every time he's been off fucking his other lover. Keep safe!

  22. Huda, i too read Ana’s post where she mentioned about people making up their own rules and getting another man when their husband gets another wife. I was laughing at how Ana is clearly talking about Fiona and looks like she is finding it hard to digest that Fiona is enjoying a life that Ana and likes don’t approve of. Ana mentioned that how those people who make up their own rules will burn in hellfire and she also added an image of a burning face. I saw the post but didn’t think its important to bother Fiona by mentioning that because she has better things to do than pay attention to what a delusional woman has to say about her life choices. So you read it over there and started parroting Ana’s words and wrote similar thoughts in your comment. What does that say about you? Don’t you have an ability to think on your own and write your own thought than repeating what you read at Ana’s blog!

  23. Its been a while since you wrote this comment. Are dating now. If not maybe you should consider that
    I see a totally different person in recent comment you had where you said you will happily go back to Kashmir. Also here you say your husband cheated. Did he cheat on you in US or did he got married to a Kashmiri through an arranged marriage.

  24. Huda,
    You were, (used to be,) one of the more intelligent women posting at Ana’s blog. But your statement “you are just making your own rules out of spite because your life is not going the way you planned” shows that you have a very limited understanding of what is taking place on this blog. You don’t know the women here, or what their lives are all about, and so your statement doesn’t show wisdom, it shows ignorance.

    I still like you a lot, because you are not run of the mill. Fiona knows who “Another Poster” is. I just feel like keeping my identity to myself at the moment.

  25. I say live and let live. Huda has been hurt to the core, and so has Fiona. We must understand that for both of them, holding on to a set of beliefs that allows them to handle the pain is vital. They are both intelligent people, but intelligence is no shield against pain – quite the opposite really.

  26. I know I freaked out on Huda. I’m sorry. But the religious lying and hypocrisy makes my skin crawl. She is living in criminal bigamy with a husband who is having an affair with a woman with whom he has a child born out of wedlock (something that is of no importance to me but should be of immense importance to her since she’s a muslim). Her husband betrayed and deceived her but that is obviously islamically correct to Huda. Her husband is off fucking another woman, and that is correct behaviour. I on the other hand am going to hell. He had a baby with his lover, and still kept denying his lover her days, so he left her to fend for herself and be a 90% single mom because she was pressed into accepting those terms when he married her. You see, Huda is all about polygamy being permissible, but she’s only willing to share 10%… Huda states that she stays in the marriage because he provides the comfortable lifestyle she enjoys. Ok you go girl. But if you want to allow your husband to have a girlfriend-on-demand and keep him alternating between the two of you because he pays you good money for it – then please don’t be judgemental about my morals!

  27. Another Poster,
    what you quoted from Huda’s comment is something Ana said on her blog. So Ana is being successful in putting her ideas into women like Huda’s head. Just go to most recent post of polygamy411 and scroll down. A post including a burning face graphic is the one where Ana said expressed similar thought โ€œyou are just making your own rules out of spite because your life is not going the way you plannedโ€

  28. You know, I am not even sure why people go to polygamy411.com. There is much mislead information, and people need to be more careful what they pick and what they don’t. There is too much talk on the Hereafter for women but hardly any for men. It is like, this world is for men and women must suffer to pass the test. I feel that as the recurring theme. So I am not surprised that non-Muslims do not have a good idea of practicing Muslims.

    So many of the husbands of the women there have cheated on their wives, dismissed their feelings to get themselves more wives, and some of them even had a child out of wedlock while married, all of which does not sit well with the other Islamic morals that the women talk about. The husbands got wives for entirely/semi selfish reasons. When questioned, the women snap back at the questioner more or less. I myself got that when I posted there several months back. So yeah, I avoid that website.

  29. I find it difficult to describe it as a supportgroup. I would rather describe it as a group for codependents, supporting each other in their choice to keep enabling their loved ones to live as polygamy-drugaddicts.

  30. Oh okay, alright. The main problem I find is them using religion to justify their husband’s wrongdoing. Them supporting their husbands while knowing well inside what their husbands did to them is wrong. It took me a couple months to fully realize it actually. When I got some responses to my comments there and read other comments, I felt faint and breathless, and kept hoping somebody would talk sense. Somebody, I think Ummof4, even told me to keep in touch and more so if I land myself in a polygamous situation too! Lol. Anyway, the group would be better without bringing God’s name to justify their actions.

  31. I agree. It is sad how women come there looking for help and comfort, and in stead they find – Ana.

  32. I think a couple of them, such as Jenny, and one more I forgot, were the ones who talked more sense. The post was on “Is there a Lack of Respect and Communication in polygamous marriages?”

  33. Firstly, please do not patronize me, I did not come on this forum to discuss my life or seek any sympathy. I am intelligent enough to think and rationalize for myself. Ana nor anyone else is my source of knowledge or opinion. For those who claim they โ€œknow meโ€ from 411 will surely be aware that I am very firm in my own thinking and not easily swayed. My views stem from an ISLAMIC perspective. Granted, I am not too familiar with the lives of all those on this blog; what I read was just a snippet so maybe I was a little hasty to defame. However, I can now see that ISLAM does not play a prominent role in some of the life choices made so I will refrain as my comments serve no purpose on this blog.

  34. No you didn’t come looking for sympathy, you came to judge. And since it is difficult to do that with any real credibility when everybody knows that you are aiding and abetting a criminal in living islamic bigamy and having babies out of wedlock with a mistress while taking grants illegally because your cadging on the UK social welfaresystem – you choose to sign off with a snippety remark about ISLAM. ๐Ÿ™‚

  35. Laila, all of it happened here in the US – the cheating, the second marriage, everything. In Kashmir he was 100% faithful. I know he was because we were together all the time and when we weren’t, he was with either or both of my sons. Our marriage was completely different there, and so much better. This would never have happened in Kashmir – his family almost disowned him for this and there are a couple of them who refuse to speak to him even now.

    I know he’s still in contact with #2 because I have access to his mobile account and his voicemail. I also don’t believe any longer that he’s seeing her. I can call him at any random time (and to test the waters, I have done so) and he’s either at work or with the guys and he always answers the phone. Even if he was seeing #2 right now, I don’t particularly care because I’m 200 miles away and we’re divorced. As long as IF we do try to work this out she’s not a part of it. And IF we did get back together, and re-marry, it’s only if we leave the country. I know #2 cannot/will not leave the country and she’d be treated like a pariah there anyway and we all know that.

    I have no plans to jump back into anything. We can see each other here and there – I live over 200 miles away so “dating” is about all we can do at this point. Plus I have obligations that keep me here, obligations to my kids and grandkids. He knows that. Down the road, if we can work through these issues, yes. I would go back to Kashmir with him. But never, ever as a wife with a “#” sign. I’m too old for this shit. I just want a quiet peaceful life, and no more damn drama.

  36. Right, and Jenny gets raked over the coals on a regular basis. I don’t think it’s a coincidence. I just don’t for the life of me understand why she continues to go there. There were a few Muslim ladies who’ve gone toe-to-toe, mainly regarding the concept of Hadith, who have vanished from 411.

  37. Well Huda, why DID you come here then? You don’t find this blog by accident. Ana owns both the 411 and the 911 domains, apparently in an attempt to keep people from visiting this site. Typing “polygamy911.com” redirects to Ana’s blog.

    I think most of us found our way here because Ana herself posted the link in an attempt to explain that Fiona’s blog is not associated with hers…lol…I think Fiona’s traffic increased about a billion percent after that. We came here because we wanted a free place to discuss the good, the bad, the ugly, without getting religion a la Ana shoved down our throats. As in Qadr of Allah. She touts the blog as being support for Muslims and Non, but I have seen little evidence supporting the “non” bit. And many of us here are Muslim and don’t agree with her extremism, so here we are. We engage in open discourse covering a whole lot of topics because there are a whole lot of us from different places and backgrounds and religious/non-religious views. Some things you may not agree with here, and that’s ok (unlike at Ana’s). You can even walk in here and take a dump in the middle of an article about a new beautiful baby girl, and you won’t be run out of town on a rail.

  38. Unchained,
    I cracked up laughing when I read this: “I think most of us found our way here because Ana herself posted the link in an attempt to explain that Fionaโ€™s blog is not associated with hersโ€ฆ” You and Laila both keep finding gems online that I would never have thought of.

    I was a reader there when the “pious” Ana called Fiona a “sperm bucket” and then kicked her off the blog. Though I never fully recovered from reading that blast, Ana’s blog did do me the favor of revealing the side of religious people that they think no one else can see. Religious people seem to think that it doesn’t matter how much they trash non-believers, as long as they keep on repeating the party line to each other. In fact, how one conducts oneself around non-believers says a lot more about self than how one conducts oneself around ones own “tribe.”

  39. I believe sperm receptacle was the term she used. But hey, I’ll settle for bucket ๐Ÿ™‚ Today, I’m immensely grateful to Ana. She helped me find the energy to start this blog, and in doing so she has aided a great deal of women who needed to vent their thoughts, questions and sufferings regarding polygamy. Myself included. Thanks to Ana, I met you. I am deeply grateful.

  40. I also don’t understand why Jenny goes there. She seems like one of the very few women there who have strong opinions on reasoning and justice. Some others are half-half. I don’t think any woman at all should take religious advice from Ana. When I first started commenting (with a different name) and got responses, I actually thought she was kidding, or didn’t quite understand. Then after a few more responses felt faint and breathless, and was hoping somebody would talk more sense. Some did, and some didn’t like to admit it, or admitted partially on how they felt about polygyny and the injustice being done to them. To some of them even oppression is something that is written in their fate that they cannot change. And if they try to they are going against God’s rules. An option such as divorce because of being cheated on or about to get cheated on, some of them wouldn’t even consider. They have their own world there.

    Anyway, people are free to go there as they like, but they shouldn’t take ideas about Islam from it, since so many ideas are against what I personally and many others were brought up with. The writer of the blog is a revert, who probably got exposed to a lot of wrong information on Islam or is using it as an aid to cope with their oppression.

  41. I wonder how common are the ideas advocated by Ana among the muslim community… Is she an extremist, or is she voicing opinions upheld by moderates and liberals among muslims? It’s hard to tell for me from the outside, since muslims on online foras and in articles hardly represent the mainstream ideas.

  42. Some ideas of Ana that disturbed me personally, is that how a man took a second (or more wife) is not really the first wife’s concern, whether it be an innocent encounter at work, or through an adulterous relationship. Apparently that also includes having a child out of wedlock. It is her duty to submit her will to God and to accept His decisions, apparently, since it was written for her. Then later Ana tells people that a marriage entered into in a way God does not approve of will not be successful, which includes premarital relationship or choosing a woman out of lust. I have nothing to say on this double opinions.

    Another thing she said (in her post that I mentioned I commented on) is that a man remarrying (even without his first wife’s approval) is not a lack of respect on her. There may be a lack of communication, but that exists in monogamy as well. He may not have taken her permission to avoid ruffling her feathers. Well then apparently when the first wife gets to know of the husband’s second marriage afterwards her feathers will probably fall off.

    You know how I feel about injustice being done to a spouse, someone who trusted them implicitly. At least these matters need to be discussed before marriage, and if the man finds ‘his soul wants more wife’ later, he can talk to the first wife in an honest conversation over it. Otherwise he is being hypocrite or brainwashed to think especially in this century he can walk over a woman like this. Even 1400 years ago or more, most of the time the woman knew what arrangement she was getting into since polygyny was rampant, or she would include a no-polygyny clause or not marry a married man. Unless her decisions were dictated by her family without the woman’s approval or opinions. Which Islam doesn’t allow anyway, since a woman’s opinions are to be taken seriously regarding marriage.

  43. Regarding real life Muslims’ opinions on polygamy, I don’t know myself actually. A lot of people seem confused and go along with what society tells them too. Also you may see a Muslim woman being supportive of polygyny till their ignorance on what polygyny really is about hits them on the head, as in their husband talks about wanting more wife or learning about their husband’s other wife. Then either they complain about it or appear to be normal and accepting and even trying to be so, while to a trusted friend they may break down and cry that they cannot be strong anymore. Or they become oppressive themselves because of being oppressed. Maybe also by repeating words to other people they try to convince themselves about it too. Or they prevent their husbands from going for it, or get a divorce, which is much more of the norm.

    Some single women I talked to on it either don’t like the topic, or if they do and are more accepting, they say (with half brain apparently) they have seen co-wives living together as sisters. I would say maybe they don’t know the depth to which it hurts to see their husband loving and being special with another woman and most of all having intimacy with her, while hardly thinking about the previous wife or even enjoying doing something ‘forbidden’ against their other wife. And not to mention give half or more finances to the other woman and time as well, and having babies with another woman. All that better have a DARN good reason to be carried out.

    Or they say countries like Malaysia have a law where a man who marries again without permission from previous wife has to pay a small fine, so that is good. I told them a fine means the family’s finances are reduced. He needs to have jail term for it, or a punishment which directly affects him only.

    Or they are plain confused. If they are smarter they remain silent and listen to the arguments given about it. If not smarter, then they would interject the arguments that displays their lack of knowledge. At least a person should do some prior good research about this rather complex topic before interjecting.

    As for the men, I am not quite sure. Most of my male friend circle seem to have a head, which means they catch on the evident dislike by the women. Also many are more concerned about getting married in the first place and fulfilling their dreams of romance with her instead of shifting focus, and know having more women is inhuman and they would rather divorce. The ones that got exposed to preachers’ unwise words on polygyny have misdirected views on it, and are naive just like the women.

    As for the married women, they can be just as confused as single women, although more of them go along with their natural instincts than single women. One married woman who saw me reading this website (and has a happy family) was shocked I was reading on polygamy and said she doesn’t like polygamy. Lol.

  44. Thank you for taking time to try and give me a clearer picture on this. It’s very interesting. I do wonder however why women don’t push for the entire quote to be heeded, not just the “marry women…” part.

  45. Truthfully Fiona, I was one of the women in the crowd before. A year back or so I had hit upon your website, on a Q&A page. I was happy that people could post questions talking openly about their emotions on the matter. When I saw your reply to it, I was happy for the first time someone did not bring so much of religion and sweet words, but talked on the matter like it is, while knowing our Muslim backgrounds. I thought you were Muslim too. But then I was shocked seeing the F-word repeatedly written and the calling of such men using various names. Then I clicked on ‘About me’ on the page and found you are a non-Muslim. I thought, okay, she doesn’t really understand our Muslim living, and was afraid of being mislead from my faith as well, and left the page. I think many other women also feel the way I did.

    A year later, reading more of your posts, I could understand much better where you were coming from and that you actually have a lot of knowledge on the area of polygamy. I was impressed by your strength as a woman and a human being, and also touched in a way. I didn’t agree with some things since some things are indeed part of our faith itself and not just mislead, but otherwise I was more impressed with the honesty on some ground matters that concerned our society. So you can see me here now.

    Before I was also one of the women who simply believed scholars with their vast knowledge on different parts of the religion cannot be mistaken in the area of polygamy. This is what I am still told when I speak on polygamy’s conditions to people. One interpretation I came across say that before female orphans were married to the owner of their property because that meant the owner could keep their property. Later the people thought this was unjust and that they may end up abusing orphans’ rights, since they are the only guardians for the orphans the orphans would then be totally helpless So the verse on polygamy came, that if the men have a fear that they cannot be just with the orphans, then they can marry other women, two or three or four.

    My current question is, the whole line of polygamy is still tied to a condition. The part about the number on wives a man can marry is still in the same line as the orphan part. So how does this apply in today’s world? I am still figuring that out. Check this video out for this interpretation, from time 26:31, for the condition:

  46. As for the entire quote to be heeded on, before I thought since the scholars don’t mention the first half of the quote it must not be relevant. Or perhaps it is talking on something else. My eyes glazed over those words too. You said in an earlier article that we Muslims treat God in this one as though He is rambling on something that we have a right to censor on. This did partly occur to me, but not so strongly.

    And I didn’t know the Muslims simply canceled out the first half of the verse when they mentioned this verse. Now after seeing website after website on it, and video after video, in this context, yeah, the people are indeed saying a MASSIVE lie and committing a massive hypocrisy, that on which I hope they will be judged on and punished for if possible in this world or in the Hereafter for causing the destruction of people’s homes with an intentional censoring, not even interpreting the half of verse in a different way.

  47. โค I'm glad you came back, and I'm glad you managed to cope with my use of language.
    IRL, I never use the f-word. Nor any four letter words (or French as my mother used to refer to foul language ๐Ÿ˜‰ ). I do it here in a very deliberate manner. I use it in anger, to describe the unbearable pain when I talk about intimacy in a forced polygyny context. I use it as a grenade, I want it to explode in the mind of the reader. I hate sanctimonious euphemisms regarding polygyny and misogyny. I hate the floral language of hidden pearls and caring for poor women. NO! Let's call it what it is. I do realize my language scares and offends people. I'm sorry if women who would really need and benefit from this blog are chased off by it. But it's my protest, my jump to lie at the feet of Anmer. I'm very glad you were able to see past it.

  48. Yeah of course Fiona, after reading more posts with an open mind I understood right away that you were calling a spade a spade, and calling an action exactly how it is happening. Actually I think this shocker is needed lol.

  49. Right? Oh the irony….I’m certain her behavior stung….it pissed off a few ladies there I know…as I recall, when you were posting at 411 you did get support from a few of us. I was really upset when she called you a “sperm receptacle” and the rest of it. Then you were gone, and until Ana posted the link, I was dying to know how you were doing.

    I know I’m grateful she publicly distanced herself from you ๐Ÿ˜€

    Dale, I have been around fundamentalist Muslims, Christians, Jews, Pagans. They all without fail treat the “non” members of society in the same disparaging way, ignoring one of the most basic concepts of their faith about how to treat their fellow man/woman.

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