We’re all still here

ThreeringsI had been feeling queasy for quite some time. I put it down to the turmoil concerning my first husband’s #2, and the excitement I felt about our planned trip to the US and the whole issue with my son and Mark. When I started noticing that my monthly didn’t show, I actually thought it was due to stress – or even the first signs of menopause! :/

When I first realized I was pregnant I was shocked. Stunned. I felt like I was in the eye of a storm.

To make a long story short, my family has been on an unbelievable roller coaster ride, but we have come out of it just fine.

Graham is so happy. He never thought he would have a child with me, he was overjoyed right from the start. Mark, well Mark was devastated. He actually left me. He said he couldn’t take it. He couldn’t stand the thought of me carrying another man’s child. He couldn’t stand the thought of me and Graham being happy about something that brought him the worst pain ever. So he left me. I was desolate, beyond words. He left me.

But he came back.

It has been hell for him I know. He’s still in a lot of pain. But he’s back with me, and we are handling it together.

I have more news to share with you of course, but this must be enough for now since I have a doctor’s appointment.

But I wanted you to know, we’re all still here.

25 thoughts on “We’re all still here

  1. Fiona, CONGRATULATIONS!!!!! I have been following your blog for a while, and seriously, I admire your strength and courage to be honest and to undergo such life changes despite being a loving, smart and accomplished woman. Men following mainstream polygamy has been twisting Islamic teachings of protection and security for women and children being the main reason for polygamy, to suit their own impulsive decisions regardless of the consequences (In the Quran, the concept of having multiple wives has been written right after protection and care for orphans. We Muslims believe nothing in the Quran is a coincidence). At the very least there should be honesty and trustworthiness involved, and acknowledgement other people’s feelings, unless they have been violated aswell. Because of these actions of men our faith Islam has been looked negatively by people of other religions.

    Despite the news being a shock to you and Mark, and that you never expected a baby at this age and circumstances, somehow I am happy for you. I hope that is okay. You have gone through alot, and enough, so its time to look after yourself. Also Graham is your other husband. Maybe a new life and a new family beginning would not be bad. How are things going otherwise? I pray for you the best of health and blessings and you find new joy and hope in the next phase of life. Please keep us updated. Any decision of yours which brings peace to you should be a good decision.

  2. I’m so glad you’re back!
    You’ve been more important to me than I can ever say. You gave me back so much of my self esteem and sense of self worth.
    I am Carolinah. That’s not my real name but it’s the name you’d knw me by since it’s what “Ana” calls me. Ana is my husband’s first wife. She hates me. She uses her blog to slander and hurt me. If you read her blog you will find her toxic and slanderous stuff against me all over the place. She can’t stand the fact that Alex, our husband, chose me over her. He only stays with her cause hes a decent man who feels compassion towards his old wife. He feels sorry for her. I sometimes read her blog to know when she’s been acting crazy so I can comfort Alex. But I read your blog to keep strong. So Im real glad you’re back ❤

  3. Than you Mariam! 🙂 Thank you very much for your lovely and generous post. I will write shortly to tell you more about everything that’s happening.

  4. Hello Carolinah. Are you really -the- Carolinah? If so, I am so so sorry for you!!! Having to share a man with that creature must be hell. Oh, I am so sorry. I am glad you’ve found your way here and I am very happy if my blog can be of any help to you in that awful situation. Please do write again and let us know if there’s anything we can do. Welcome!

  5. Please do 🙂 I know you have been through alot, by having such drastic life circumstances happen in a short time, and facing deep rooted sexism from society and misinterpreted religious teachings by people to suit their own rooted selfishness and self gratification. And facing these from the person closest to you in the world was probably very unexpected and even more painful. After that you had to probably sift through these ideas yourself, to make sense of what is right and what is wrong. In the process meeting people who are supportive of you and also those who bash you further and make you even more doubtful, and unable to express your inner truths in matters. I bet it is this pain and confusion in sifting through ideas that has caused you to feel much misery and oppression, and perhaps as a result hateful of others which you weren’t before. I deeply salute you for your courage and helping people understand the subtle ways in which women tend to be oppressed in society.

    I am a religious Muslim woman myself, in my twenties. I know some of Islam’s teachings tend to sound oppressive towards women at times. One reason is that some of the earliest Islam has been mainly interpreted by male scholars, who might have interpreted it in a way that suited them males. Many of today’s male Muslim scholars talk freely in a way that they may not understand actually comes across as oppressive to women, because they did not put themselves in women’s shoes and how our psychology is very different from that of males, so they need to personally talk to a variety of knowledgeable and enlightened women to understand further, and even come across the original Islam. Sheikh Hamza Yusuf is one scholar who is more educated about women’s rights, and also advises women to do so aswell before getting married, so they do not end up feeling oppressed. A woman has the right to choose whether or not she accepts polygamy, and can let her husband or husband-to-be know about it. I am glad in today’s society women are more educated and broad minded so they can make more empowering decisions for themselves.

    Please continue to do what you feel personally is the best for you, regardless of what people might say. Many times women also oppress women, because that is how their society taught them in general. Even if us Muslim women dont accept polyandry since it is not allowed in our religion, you are an agnostic yourself, so you have different views for yourself, which is fine. Bottom line, keep your head high and know that you are fully part of society and live life in a way you feel is prosperous to you 🙂

  6. Hello Fiona,
    I’ve missed you. Thank you for picking up your story. If you need to leave again, I’ll understand, we all need our freedom. But I hope in that case you ‘ll say goodbye to those of your readers who have become attached to you.

    In the meantime, what you’ve just shared with us, is very exciting news!!!
    Dale

  7. Carolinah,
    I too am glad that you have emerged. However, some points.

    You said that the only reason Alex stays with his “old wife” is because he’s a “decent man.” I doubt that you actually know the details of his relationship with Ana, or why he stays with her. And he didn’t choose you “over” her, as you decribed, because Ana is still his legal wife. In light of his obscene decision to marry a second wife, his decision to stay with Ana is the ONLY thing that makes him decent at all. Everything else about him strikes me as creepy.

    While it must be painful to read some of the things she says about you, the chances that anyone anywhere is going to sympathize with your situation are slim. If I were Ana, I would have dumped Alex and moved on with my life. And if I were Carolinah I’d be looking for a decent and faithful man and not someone who brings an unhappy first wife in tow.

  8. Dear Dale,

    I never meant to leave. I was in a state of shock. Then Mark left me and I almost broke down. I couldn’t write. I almost couldn’t breathe.
    If ever I decide to give up on the blog, I promise I will say goodbye properly.
    I have missed you!

  9. Hi Dale,
    I agree anyone reading Ana’s blog will sympathize with her not Carolinah but we need to hear Carolinah’s side of story too. Anything you said like “he didn’t choose you over her” is based on what Ana has written unless you know Ana, Carolinah and Alex personally. So lets not jump to conclusions with only one side of the story. She often makes fun of Carolinah’s job which is very shallow. Anyone working hard to earn a living should be respected because at least they are not being a lazy and and sucking on taxpayers money. If Ana is so righteous and religious why would she say fall to such a level. Another thing about this is that she is free to talk about her life or anything about Carolinah and Alex which is related to her but revealing specific details about Carolinah i.e. she works at a Burger joint is invasion of privacy too. Maybe some people around them can guess about their true identity and the word spreads fast about such stuff. This is just one example. There are many things on that blog that made me wonder about the other side of the story. I am really glad Carolinah finally posted something here. I wouldn’t be too harsh to her unless i hear her side of story.

  10. I totally agree Laila, and I’m hoping Carolinah will join us here to tell her side of the story.

  11. Hi Laila,
    Thank you for responding, and it’s nice to hear from someone who is not totally insane. it is always important to be aware of the other side of the story, especially when it is not being heard.

    The lack of sympathy in my response to Carolinah does not reflect a preference for Ana but because Caronlinah married someone else’s husband. A person who introduces that kind of pain into someone else’s life is not in a position to evaluate the mentally disturbed behaviors that likely resulted. In any case, the moron here is Alex, not the women who are trying to figure out what to do.

    And I do agree with many things you said. I’m not sure where you are based, you sound a little American in your writing style, and if you are you know that it is very hard to find jobs anywhere. Carolinah works, and that should be respected. Ana does very little, as far as I can tell except talk about religion.

    Carolinah, if you are reading, I’d rather we heard from you than talk about you, so please don’t let my caustic nature put you off.

    Laila, re cupcakes, I’m afraid you’ll just have to read her posts, if you can find them, that will answer your question. (Unfortunately at least on my monitor posts don’t go back very far in time, and I can’t find an “archives” button. Maybe there is a setting on WordPress that I don’t know how to use.?)

  12. Can’t agree more that the Moron here is Alex. The patriarchial set up of Islam and in general many cultures / societies turns women against each other while men just keep benefiting from the whole set up.
    I do not belong to one country/religion/culture but you are right I sometime sound American because I have been living in US long enough now.
    I have no sympathy for a woman marrying a married man I am just curious to know the other side of the story. Befire i started reading Ana’s blog I wasn’t even aware of existance of such people so blindly following something written long time ago and mainly interpreted and passed on to next generations by male scholars. I was also very surprised to see women suffering so much but still favoring polygyny. I am now starting to understand a little why. Their existance depends on this system if there was no polygyny they will be divorced and without a provider or for second wives they won’t be with this man they wanted to be with.
    I like listening to women who are in polygamy and try to understand why even in countries like US and UK these women prefer sharing a man than getting their own husband/bf

  13. No worry, I understand why people react to my choices the way they do. Before all this started, I might have done the same.
    Alex was my bf before he met Ana. We loved each other very much, but there were issues we had to deal with. One of the things that made our relationship difficult was the fact that I still wanted a great deal of independence and time by myself to care for my family and my own needs. Alex wanted a house wife, and the “head of family” deal. I couldn’t cope with that, and we broke up. I was the one to end it, and we were both heartbroken about loving each other but wanting different things. Later, I heard he got married. One day he called me and asked to go for a coffee. First I didn’t want to, I mean what’s the point. But he insisted and we met up. He said he missed me like hell. He said he was going to get a divorce because he was in a loveless marriage and wanted out. He said he was sorry he let me go, he should just have given me what I wanted, freedom and partnership, instead of loosing me. Hey, I suppose he said all the things a married man says to get a girlfriend back…I’m not stupid you know 🙂 Thing is, I didn’t fall for that. But I saw a way for all of us to get what we wanted. So I suggested he marry us both. He was muslim right and could do that, we had joked about it before. He didn’t think I meant it first but I figured it would be perfect. If he and his wife didn’t love each other any more (which he swore was true) he could still give his marriage a chance by not divorcing her. She would still be provided for, and it would give them a chance to see if their marriage was worth working on. And Alex and I would get what we wanted. He would have me, and a house wife. I would have a husband, and my freedom. And if his wife didn’t approve, she could just opt out. So I thought it would be a solution to everybody’s problems. I see Ana claims I lured him into marrying me, that’s not true. She also claims I promised to become muslim, that’s also a lie – I’m not sure though if the lie is hers or Alex’. If you have read her blog you know that she hated me from the start. She didn’t stay with Alex because she loved him, or because it was a religious thing. She stayed because she was furious and wanted to hurt me and Alex, that’s all. Yeah, I wrote that he chose me over her. That’s true. If I had wanted him to divorce, he would have. But I didn’t want him to divorce I wanted my share of freedom. So he chose me, and my suggestion, over her. That’s what I meant. He still does. I can’t tell you how many times he has asked me to marry him legally, if he divorces Ana, but I don’t want that. Right now I can both have the cake and eat it. 🙂 And she still hates me. Her lies about me are laughable. Right now she’s on about us going to some nudist camp 😀 OMG. She really is delusional.I’m hoping she won’t read this though because she is one crazy woman and she will do anything to hurt me.

  14. Carolina, Thanks for sharing your side of the story. I like how you are not blindly trusting Alex and believe that lies can be hers or Alex’s. Alex looks like from the confused generation of Muslim men who are modern and fall in love with independent non-Muslim women but want a traditional, Muslim woman as a wife. I read about Alex getting an award or some recognition and Ana being there with him. I am wondering if Alex is with her because thats the kind of wife he and his religious community accepts.

  15. Thank you Carolinah, that was helpful. I’m sort of puzzled by what I’ve read. Would you permit me to ask you a few questions?

    Ana does acknowledge the deficiencies in the early stage of their relationship, as you describe. She writes that Alex is a revert like her, but that he is not strong in his deen, that he stunned her by taking a second wife, and that you are some sort of non-entity, Muslim-wise. Now I realize, reading your post, that you are not Muslim now and never intented to be, and that you and Alex never had a Nikah, and that basically he is your boyfriend, and a dear person in your life. Is that correct? I have a few other questions, but I think that one is enough! Thanks.

  16. Just read your news now, sorry to hear your pain, I am glad that things are much better and Mark has come home again. Hope you are staying strong.
    Lots of hugs
    Freya

  17. I think she meant by marrying legally is having a legal court-recognised contract. They may have done the Islamic marriage but they don’t have legal proof, since their state probably doesn’t recognise a man having more than one wife. I am also more curious aswell. And I do hope that the person really is Carolinah, and that she is speaking the truth. Because we are indeed trying to look at the story from both the sides and believing her on her part that she is saying.

    Ana’s side of story and her blog doesn’t tend to have a proper direction to it. One time she is complaining about her husband being polygamous, another time hosting polygamous dating site and misleading other women on the topic and giving negative feedback to the emotional and even physical oppression the women may be enduring. Its all too confusing. It gets obvious after reading some of her words that she may have acquired something similar to Stockholm’s syndrome, or like Fiona said, being a religious zombie and coping with that kind of reality. I don’t think women should go to her site for support regarding coping with husband being polygamous, since I don’t think they will receive much positive support and helpful suggestions on it, other than indirectly telling the woman to put her emotions down and accept it how it is.

  18. You’re right. Ana is not about support at all. It’s stunning to me how awful she acts to many of these women. She does not take into consideration that even her introduction to polygamy was under far different circumstances. She lives in a western monogamous society, is married to a wealthy man, and has no children. She knows *western polygamy*, not the polygamy many of the women in Islamic polygamy have experienced. Western society – even with its huge flaws – on the whole considers women to be on the same level as men. Many men practicing Islamic polygamy do not have this perspective, they believe women are less than men though they like to hide it with flowery language about pearls and other such bullshit. Basically what Ana and her husband are practicing is not polygamy but a sanctioned mistress. Ana holds a lot of power in this relationship. If she chose to, she could seriously impact her husband’s work relations with the scandal and stigma as well as his finances in the event of a divorce. The great majority of women in polygamy have no power at all. I think her lack of understand of the incredible amount of privilege and power she has in her situation makes the situation worse. It’s very much a ‘let them eat cake’ scenario.

  19. Actually now that I think on it some more, Ana is not polygamous at all. She is married to a man who happens to be polyamorous. I guess her blog is a case of the blind leading the deaf.

  20. Well, isn’t this fascinating….I’m not 100% convinced this is Carolinah, but if it is, wow! I have a million questions. It’s like speaking to Prince or some other very reclusive, seldom heard from celeb! LOL….

    Most of my questions would begin with “is it true that….” and the first one that pops into my mind is, did you really send a picture of Alex’s junk to Ana when you were pissed about Alex not being there for…what was it? New Year’s Eve?

    Laila, you’re not the Laila from Ana’s blog are you? *confused*

  21. I must say, I’m not totally convinced either. If Carolinah has been reading my blog, why not comment until now? But I too am curious. Maybe Carolinah will be back to tell us more?

  22. I too am curious why she started posting now. How can she be silent for so long. The only reason i could think of was that maybe she is content with her life and didnt feel the need to go out and justify the choices she made. Or maybe she is a busy woman.

  23. Carolinah, you never posted again. I think we overwhelmed you with questions 🙂
    Please do post again. Hope all is well with you

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s