Q&A: Polygamy just to have Children – could it Work?

S%C3%A9pulcre_Arc-en-Barrois_111008_12Question: Hello Fiona,

I would like to tell u our story and hope u can give me advice.
Me and my husband are married 8 years now, we love eachother deeply.
He is my second husband, from my first marriage i have 2 children, 25 and 23 years old now.
I met my husband in Egypt, he is mulim and i’m not. He came to live with me in Holland so i can be with my children.
This was not something he really wanted, leave his country and family, so we agreed we will live in Holland for some years until my children got older and have a life of there own. My children understand his need to go back to Egypt and us starting a life there.
It will be hard to leave them but we will visit them often.
My husband and I different in age 21 years and from when we start our relationship i have always known his desire to have children. The fact that i wasn’t able to give him a child was and still is painfull for both of us.
We always talked about this and looked for options to make this happen.
Because he is muslim not all options are open. For him it is necessary this child is with his natural mother and father.
Surrogacy is not allowed in his religion. He needs to marry the mother of his children.
So we have been talking about he can have a second wife.
I really do want him to have children, he will never have a full life without them, i know this for sure.
He is a stable man, knows what it means and takes his responsibility’s.
I trust him in this, i know his love for me is neverending but i fear what having no child will do to him emotionally.
I also fear what having a second wife will do to me emotionally. My love for him is big enough, i’m just scared it will break my heart. With my reason, my intellect i know i can do this, my heart speaks different in this.
He will never take a second wife if we can’t do this together in full agreement.
We will choose a wife together, live together in 1 house, 1 floor for each of us.
See if we can build a relationship together as in 2 marriages and 1 friendship; (me and his second wife).
We have also talked about we divorce so he can move on and create the live he wants.
But always we come to the conclusion we can’t live without eachother, so this is no option.
I brought up the issue that it’s not just towards this second wife the only reason she is in this marriage is to have children.
His answer is that his reasons to marry will be in open from the start , he will promise his respect and that he will take care, nothing more and nothing less. If in time she can’t except this she can ask for divorce.
I was happy to read ur blog so i can relate to how it feels and what it can bring.
I have written down the pro and con. And they add up to either side.
This could mean we get more happy but will give so much pain the same time.
What is ur view? I would really appreciate ur opinion in this and want to thank u for ur openness. Best regards, Shams

Answer: Dear Shams,

First of all, I must tell you that the deal to marry #2 only to be the mother to his children, based on respect and care – isn’t going to happen. Sorry.

Once your husband starts making love to her, see her opening up to him, they share sweet little intimacies with each other, rest in each other’s arms after love-making – they will bond, they will fall in love. That’s just the way it goes. That’s why it’s called “making love” – you create love. He will fall in love with her, and he will feel guilty about it because he promised not to, and he might very well blame you for feeling guilty. That will only be one of the burdens your marriage will have to bear.

I found out some months ago that I am pregnant. I thought me and my #2 had had a strong marriage, a strong love, before, but it’s nothing compared to what I feel now when I know I am carrying his child. My first husband has been through hell, I can tell you! He says he thought he knew pain, but nothing compares to knowing that your spouse is having a baby with somebody else. Somebody they are sharing half a life with – a half that isn’t yours. This is hell on earth.

Don’t go there.

Please, let me know how things are working out for you. Maybe some other kind soul here on the blog has better advice to give!

Lots of love, / F

8 thoughts on “Q&A: Polygamy just to have Children – could it Work?

  1. Congratulations on your pregnacy Fiona,

    I was very happy to see you received my mail, it was some time ago i send it.
    And thank u for ur words, deep in my heart i know what u say is true.
    Im my head i imagined my husband making love to another woman, seeing them together with their newborn baby. Something normally so beautiful for me felt like a nightmare.
    Over and over i tried to make myself believe i should be able to do this, out of love for my husband.
    The thought made me physically sick, i got depressed and felt like my future would be hell, i would rather die. I have been through a very bad period, i needed to know for sure i could do this.
    I have come to the conclusion i can’t. To say this aloud felt good, like i liberated myself from a responsibility i can’t carry. My husband saw me struggle ofcourse and is sure now it’s too much to ask for. He wants to go search how islam stands opposite surrogacy. For me uncharted territory, but hopefully this can bring relief. Maybe if somebody has more knowledge on this subject, please react.

    With love, Shams

  2. Thanks for sharing that video, Laila. I think they said some really important things, both about pros and cons. However, I mind that it’s introduced as a sexual thing. They say it themselves, it’s not about sex it’s about love. Also, why do they call the men her “lovers”? Anyway, I don’t have a husband and a lover, or a husband and a boyfriend – I have two husbands. 🙂

  3. Yes, I understand your situation is different but just wanted to share that two men are helping raise the kid even when the one who is not father doesn’t seem very happy.

  4. Ur answer is; Don’t go there.
    It’s 5 months later now.
    There is no turning back, his answer to all i say is “you have to trust me”.
    When i tell him i’m so scared about the pain i will feel, how i will react on him sleeping with another woman, his answer is; What he felt about i was married before and had 2 children with another man was so much more hard on him. That his love for me made he could deal with this.
    My love for him should make i can deal with him marry a second wife.
    That all pain i feel is nothing in compare to what he feels about he doesn’t have children.
    I should ony think about how happy having a child will make him, just think about the positive.
    He could have choosen a young virgin to marry but he choose to marry me because he loves me.
    Accepting a second wife will show how much i love him.
    I wonder now, is this the lesson i have to learn in this life?
    That loving a man does not mean he is all mine, i should be happy about what god has given me?
    Will he be able to be there for me when i feel angry, sad and miserable?
    Should i not prepare myself for the the heartbreaking pain and just focus on how wonderfull it will be when he has children?
    Trust on he will handle all in such a way i can cope?
    Trust myself i can do this and keep my selfrespect and dignity?
    Set my mind to make this into a situation where all of us can be happy?
    Is living with the pain i will never be able to make my husband happy if he not has children not more bad?
    Do i have an option if i not want to divorce him?

    Greetings , Shams

  5. Dear Shams,

    Why would it be harder for him to know that you had been married before? I don’t understand that. Allah has said men should marry and care for divorcees and widows, and care for their children.
    I promise you, there is no pain like polygyny. No pain is like it. It is endless, all embracing. You will see his happy smile when he receives lovenotes from her. You will see him falling in love, longing to be with another woman, thinking about making love to her while lying beside you, you will smell her on his skin, taste her when he kisses you. He will become a father, experience the greatest love, with her. He will think of her when he’s talking to you, call out her name when he climaxes inside you. His soul will thirst for her and the baby he wants her to have, he might begin to loath you for keeping him from them. There is no way all of you can be happy, since this is not something you all want. That’s all. Eventually, if you agree to this, you will become a zombie, an undead. And he will be the one who killed you. And you will both know it.

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