Question: Hello Fiona,
I would like to tell u our story and hope u can give me advice.
Me and my husband are married 8 years now, we love eachother deeply.
He is my second husband, from my first marriage i have 2 children, 25 and 23 years old now.
I met my husband in Egypt, he is mulim and i’m not. He came to live with me in Holland so i can be with my children.
This was not something he really wanted, leave his country and family, so we agreed we will live in Holland for some years until my children got older and have a life of there own. My children understand his need to go back to Egypt and us starting a life there.
It will be hard to leave them but we will visit them often.
My husband and I different in age 21 years and from when we start our relationship i have always known his desire to have children. The fact that i wasn’t able to give him a child was and still is painfull for both of us.
We always talked about this and looked for options to make this happen.
Because he is muslim not all options are open. For him it is necessary this child is with his natural mother and father.
Surrogacy is not allowed in his religion. He needs to marry the mother of his children.
So we have been talking about he can have a second wife.
I really do want him to have children, he will never have a full life without them, i know this for sure.
He is a stable man, knows what it means and takes his responsibility’s.
I trust him in this, i know his love for me is neverending but i fear what having no child will do to him emotionally.
I also fear what having a second wife will do to me emotionally. My love for him is big enough, i’m just scared it will break my heart. With my reason, my intellect i know i can do this, my heart speaks different in this.
He will never take a second wife if we can’t do this together in full agreement.
We will choose a wife together, live together in 1 house, 1 floor for each of us.
See if we can build a relationship together as in 2 marriages and 1 friendship; (me and his second wife).
We have also talked about we divorce so he can move on and create the live he wants.
But always we come to the conclusion we can’t live without eachother, so this is no option.
I brought up the issue that it’s not just towards this second wife the only reason she is in this marriage is to have children.
His answer is that his reasons to marry will be in open from the start , he will promise his respect and that he will take care, nothing more and nothing less. If in time she can’t except this she can ask for divorce.
I was happy to read ur blog so i can relate to how it feels and what it can bring.
I have written down the pro and con. And they add up to either side.
This could mean we get more happy but will give so much pain the same time.
What is ur view? I would really appreciate ur opinion in this and want to thank u for ur openness. Best regards, Shams
Answer: Dear Shams,
First of all, I must tell you that the deal to marry #2 only to be the mother to his children, based on respect and care – isn’t going to happen. Sorry.
Once your husband starts making love to her, see her opening up to him, they share sweet little intimacies with each other, rest in each other’s arms after love-making – they will bond, they will fall in love. That’s just the way it goes. That’s why it’s called “making love” – you create love. He will fall in love with her, and he will feel guilty about it because he promised not to, and he might very well blame you for feeling guilty. That will only be one of the burdens your marriage will have to bear.
I found out some months ago that I am pregnant. I thought me and my #2 had had a strong marriage, a strong love, before, but it’s nothing compared to what I feel now when I know I am carrying his child. My first husband has been through hell, I can tell you! He says he thought he knew pain, but nothing compares to knowing that your spouse is having a baby with somebody else. Somebody they are sharing half a life with – a half that isn’t yours. This is hell on earth.
Don’t go there.
Please, let me know how things are working out for you. Maybe some other kind soul here on the blog has better advice to give!
Lots of love, / F