I’m the Alfa-female in our Polygamous Marriage

polygamy-femaleI’ve been out shopping today with a friend who’s moving to a bigger flat and needs some new furniture. Been a long time since I went shopping and I thoroughly enjoyed it. We had lunch at Waterstones, Piccadilly, and I have come home with a bag of books I’m looking forwards to reading. I just love Kate Morton.

I’m feeling great and my friends tell me it shows. My hair is getting a bit curly, isn’t that funny? I never knew pregnancy could make your hair curly 🙂

I’m spending the evening with Mark. We are making plans to go to Scotland next weekend to visit friends, and we’ll be spending the evening talking about what more to do once we’re up there. I feel a strong need to spend quality time with him. I need to feel I’m his lover and his wife, I want to take the strange feeling out of our relationship.

Mark came back. Basically I suppose, because he loves me. Partly I believe because he’s not willing to give me up having sacrificed so much to keep me.

He tried at first to give me a lot of ultimatums about our relationship, time spent with him, never to bring the baby along during his time with me that kind of thing, but I wouldn’t have it. I told him polygamy is a thing between the adults, the baby isn’t bound by any rules. In the end he gave way. He came back with only one condition. He said he couldn’t go through with his divorce now, he couldn’t take the pain of a divorce while he also had to live with the pain of my having a baby with Graham.

I was furious. I mean, after all we’ve been through? And what about his #2? Would he keep her hanging again? Mark just said that since she was still in iddah, he had a right to take her back. He also said he was going to look at new ways to bring her back to the UK.

So here we are. Back in our dance macabre.

But you know what? I’m at peace. I’m having a baby. Both my husbands have agreed to act as fathers. I’m happy.

Let’s hope it stays that way.

The Pain when your Polygamous Spouse is having a Baby with #2

Heart-beatHaving a baby changes everything.

It’s the strongest bond between a man and a woman.

It’s bigger than love, greater than your own life. It’s new life. And it’s your responsibility.

When you have a child together, your relationship changes. You’re not just husband and wife anymore. You are a mother and a father. Your life doesn’t entirely belong to you anymore – because you have a child.

Having a baby makes your love for your partner grow, you are sharing something indescribably amazing. And this new life has sprung from your love.

My first husband kept going over this, his pain and grief and dismay made him elaborate on this over and over. And there wasn’t much I could say to comfort him. He was right.

I just kept reminding him I love him too. And we have children too. The same bond exists between us.

Mark said: Yes, and that’s what used to make us special.

I do so understand. But I can’t change things.

 

 

I told my Husbands I was Pregnant

Backlit_Pink_Rose_Interior_With_Drops_(209284324)So, I knew I was pregnant.

I sat in the conservatory and looked at the late roses. A life was growing inside of me and my life would never be the same. I was happy. I was afraid.

I told Graham. The way he looked when he understood – I’ll never forget it. It was sheer joy. He cried. I have never seen him cry like that before, with a great smile on his face, tears running down his cheeks. He kept saying “I love you”. I am so grateful I got to share that moment with him.

Next day, I told Mark. He cried too.

And he said he would never forgive me. That this was the end.

He said it was disgusting, that he would never be able to touch me again, that I had ruined our marriage. He said he wanted a divorce. He left.

I was devastated. Why couldn’t we just live our lives and be happy?

Couldn’t things just get easier? Ever?

Q&A: Does a Wife have a Right to leave a Loveless Marriage?

5758f-moveQuestion:

Asalamualikum,

I am 27 years old married girl.I have been married since 1 year and 3 months. Ours was a arranged marriage though before marriage we got a chance to know each other through email conversations and few phone calls. After marriage we stayed together for just two weeks as my husband had to resume his work overseas and I had to wait for visa. My Visa process took one year and during this one year his behavior towards me was not as it should have been. He supported me financially but he least bothered to call me. and whenever he would call he would always be in a hurry. But I always took the initiative and used to call him frequently. Since our marriage till this day he has never said that he misses me or loves me. He has never shown his love for me though we had a physical relation.
To cut it short, after 1 year I joined my husband here in one of the Western society. Within two three days of coming here I discovered his messages of past girlfriend with whom he was still in touch but as a simple friend. Reading all those dirty talks of my husband and his ex-girlfriend broke my heart though my husband had told me before marriage that he had some relations in his past. But what annoyed me was his continuing conversations with her after marriage. since I have come here his attitude towards me has been very cold. Initially he used to go for late night parties with his male and female friends but since last two weeks he has stopped that.
Now the issue is that I tried to talk to my husband several times but he is always not interested in discussing the issue. He says that he does not love me and has lost interest in sex life. We hardly have sex. I tried my best to save this marriage. I USED TO GIVE HIM HUGS AND KISSES but he never reciprocated. I cannot live my whole life with the fact that my husband does not love me, he always curses our marriage and never shows any affection towards me. I am a human being and I need my husband to love me, to want me and to desire me but nothing is working. Now I am thinking of divorce. Please guide me that is my decision correct?? What should I do?? Please please help me…. //Asin

Answer: Dear Asin,

Every married woman has a right to feel loved and cherished. You have a right to feel loved and cherished. Marriage should be about companionship, about building a life together. As I see it, this man is not even trying to build a life with you. It sounds like he never did try to build a life with you. Since he never did, this is no fault of yours, it has nothing to do with you, so please don’t blame yourself.

Do you have a right to leave? Yes, of course. The islamic rules concerning dicorce are only there to protect male supremacy, but even according to islamic rules you have a right to leave a husband who ignores you and who doesn’t give you intimacy and a chance to have children.

You are young. There are thousands of men out there wanting to find a wife. Give them a chance to find you! And give love a chance to find you ❤

Best wishes, Fiona

Q&A: Polygamy just to have Children – could it Work?

S%C3%A9pulcre_Arc-en-Barrois_111008_12Question: Hello Fiona,

I would like to tell u our story and hope u can give me advice.
Me and my husband are married 8 years now, we love eachother deeply.
He is my second husband, from my first marriage i have 2 children, 25 and 23 years old now.
I met my husband in Egypt, he is mulim and i’m not. He came to live with me in Holland so i can be with my children.
This was not something he really wanted, leave his country and family, so we agreed we will live in Holland for some years until my children got older and have a life of there own. My children understand his need to go back to Egypt and us starting a life there.
It will be hard to leave them but we will visit them often.
My husband and I different in age 21 years and from when we start our relationship i have always known his desire to have children. The fact that i wasn’t able to give him a child was and still is painfull for both of us.
We always talked about this and looked for options to make this happen.
Because he is muslim not all options are open. For him it is necessary this child is with his natural mother and father.
Surrogacy is not allowed in his religion. He needs to marry the mother of his children.
So we have been talking about he can have a second wife.
I really do want him to have children, he will never have a full life without them, i know this for sure.
He is a stable man, knows what it means and takes his responsibility’s.
I trust him in this, i know his love for me is neverending but i fear what having no child will do to him emotionally.
I also fear what having a second wife will do to me emotionally. My love for him is big enough, i’m just scared it will break my heart. With my reason, my intellect i know i can do this, my heart speaks different in this.
He will never take a second wife if we can’t do this together in full agreement.
We will choose a wife together, live together in 1 house, 1 floor for each of us.
See if we can build a relationship together as in 2 marriages and 1 friendship; (me and his second wife).
We have also talked about we divorce so he can move on and create the live he wants.
But always we come to the conclusion we can’t live without eachother, so this is no option.
I brought up the issue that it’s not just towards this second wife the only reason she is in this marriage is to have children.
His answer is that his reasons to marry will be in open from the start , he will promise his respect and that he will take care, nothing more and nothing less. If in time she can’t except this she can ask for divorce.
I was happy to read ur blog so i can relate to how it feels and what it can bring.
I have written down the pro and con. And they add up to either side.
This could mean we get more happy but will give so much pain the same time.
What is ur view? I would really appreciate ur opinion in this and want to thank u for ur openness. Best regards, Shams

Answer: Dear Shams,

First of all, I must tell you that the deal to marry #2 only to be the mother to his children, based on respect and care – isn’t going to happen. Sorry.

Once your husband starts making love to her, see her opening up to him, they share sweet little intimacies with each other, rest in each other’s arms after love-making – they will bond, they will fall in love. That’s just the way it goes. That’s why it’s called “making love” – you create love. He will fall in love with her, and he will feel guilty about it because he promised not to, and he might very well blame you for feeling guilty. That will only be one of the burdens your marriage will have to bear.

I found out some months ago that I am pregnant. I thought me and my #2 had had a strong marriage, a strong love, before, but it’s nothing compared to what I feel now when I know I am carrying his child. My first husband has been through hell, I can tell you! He says he thought he knew pain, but nothing compares to knowing that your spouse is having a baby with somebody else. Somebody they are sharing half a life with – a half that isn’t yours. This is hell on earth.

Don’t go there.

Please, let me know how things are working out for you. Maybe some other kind soul here on the blog has better advice to give!

Lots of love, / F

We’re all still here

ThreeringsI had been feeling queasy for quite some time. I put it down to the turmoil concerning my first husband’s #2, and the excitement I felt about our planned trip to the US and the whole issue with my son and Mark. When I started noticing that my monthly didn’t show, I actually thought it was due to stress – or even the first signs of menopause! :/

When I first realized I was pregnant I was shocked. Stunned. I felt like I was in the eye of a storm.

To make a long story short, my family has been on an unbelievable roller coaster ride, but we have come out of it just fine.

Graham is so happy. He never thought he would have a child with me, he was overjoyed right from the start. Mark, well Mark was devastated. He actually left me. He said he couldn’t take it. He couldn’t stand the thought of me carrying another man’s child. He couldn’t stand the thought of me and Graham being happy about something that brought him the worst pain ever. So he left me. I was desolate, beyond words. He left me.

But he came back.

It has been hell for him I know. He’s still in a lot of pain. But he’s back with me, and we are handling it together.

I have more news to share with you of course, but this must be enough for now since I have a doctor’s appointment.

But I wanted you to know, we’re all still here.

A Brand New Life in Polygamy

120px-Pregnant_belly_buttonI have a new life growing in me.

I knew I could still have children, but since I had mentally left that stage of life I somehow thought my body would have followed.

I was wrong.

Those of you who are old friends know I stopped writing abruptly.

Somehow I couldn’t write anymore. Knowing I had a life in my womb made the thought of exposing myself to the hate I have encountered due to the blog unbearable.

I am sorry I deserted you. I’m sorry I haven’t been here to answer your questions, share your stories. I have missed you.

So much has happened.