Can Children Forgive a Polygamous Father?

Depression-loss_of_loved_oneGraham has been calling my son about our visit in a couple of weeks, they have bought tickets to a hockey game and basket and I’m very relieved to be left out. šŸ™‚

Graham tells me he told my son about Mark’s divorce, about everything that’s been going on. Apparently, Graham is hoping this new turn of events will open up a door for Mark and my son to somehow get in touch again. Graham said my son was happy about #2 getting out of our lives, but he didn’t know if he could forgive his dad. Ever. I think Graham proves again what a wonderful man he is by trying to reconcile my son, the boy he loves and treats like his own, and Mark.

I have stopped trying to push my son into forgiving his father. I know too much about the pain and torture of forced polygyny to expect my son to be able to reach out to his dad, or accept any kind of initiative from Mark. You can help somebody recover from abuse and torture, but you can’t make them love the abuser.

I have been contacted by many children with polygamous fathers. They all speak of agony, loneliness, feelings of insufficiency, abandonment – and the unbearable pain of watching your mother’s perpetual suffering. Many speak of trying to win your father’s love, trying to make him stay, end the torture. Their stories are heartbreaking, horrendous tales of the endless heritage of pain left by forced polygyny.

I believe a child can learn to live with having a polygamous father, they might even be able to keep up a relationship, allow the father to be a part of their lives.

But I don’t think a child can ever forgive a father who has forced polygyny on his family. They might accept it.

But they will never forgive.

9 thoughts on “Can Children Forgive a Polygamous Father?

  1. If they are young and have only ever known polygamy, and the man is actually a good husband and father then there is a greater chance I think they may accept it? The more harmonious the polygamous marriages are, maybe the more likely the kids will feel ok?

    If they are older, no, I think they will always see it as a betrayal of their mother unless they have grown up around polygamy in their wider family/community.

    Graham really is a very decent man. I think Mark’s future with his son depends what Mark does next and how much effort he puts into reaching out to his son.

  2. My kids I think have forgiven my husband but they won’t and can’t forget what was done to our family. Graham is doing a really good thing in reaching out to your son and trying on Mark’s behalf to mend that relationship. It won’t happen overnight; it may not happen at all, but the effort is there.

    I see you took down the Lamentations of a Second Wife post. I hope it wasn’t due to Ana’s comment about an investigation or Laila’s lawyer threats…..having been on a message board for years that was threatened with legal action, I am .confident in saying there is no action that can be taken against you. However, if you just don’t want the harrassment from Ana and her group I can surely understand that.

  3. Ah never mind. I see now you took that post private. I feel dumb! I hadn’t had coffee yet when I came over here lol šŸ˜›

  4. I’m a lurker coming out of the woodwork to say I hope everything is ok with you. I haven’t noticed any new posts in a few days, and that doesn’t seem to be your style. šŸ™‚

  5. woohooo!!!! i found u!!! i was a silent reader on polygamy 411, and i loved reading ur posts. i am so happy i finally found u again.

  6. Fiona, where are you? šŸ˜¦ I check this blog once a day hoping I will be surprised with a new post.

  7. Hi Fiona, I was at polygamy 411 blog and read most threads there. I just found out about you blog from a post about your blog on polygamy 411. I got curious and came here. I have already read all your blog posts šŸ™‚ I love you story and thoughts. Thanks for sharing this with everyone. I see that you haven’t posted in a while. Hope all is well. Please do post more often and i would for women looking to read about polygamy to come here rather than get advice at polygamy 411. There are some good discussions there too but i have felt that any good argument or question is just ignored and they bury that comment under their long preaching posts about how all men have right to polygamy and How Allah has permitted them to be polygamous and sometimes just small talk. I think many of them also know that their co wives read the blog because i see a lot of things shared there which sound like they are being shared to make some jealous šŸ™‚

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