My Husband’s Second “Wife” is in Iddah

ThreeringsI showed Mark the nasty e-mail from #2.

I did it simply because I have decided there must be an end to secrets, deception and manipulation. Everything on the table from here on.

He just sat there silently reading then he hunkered down and sat for a long while with his face in his hands, saying nothing.

Then he up and left.

I started folding laundry, stood in the utility room and tried to keep my mind blank.

He came home again 45 minutes later and called me out to the kitchen. He had his laptop and he said he was going to Skype with #2 and tell her he is giving her talaq. I asked him to give it more thought, because I felt I didn’t want to be the one pushing him to do this, but he said he’s done thinking. He said he wanted to Skype with her, and he wanted me to be there, to hear everything that was said.

I agreed.

So he Skyped her.

He told her he wanted a divorce. He said he understood that her situation is difficult, but he said that his infertility can be used as her public excuse to get a divorce – even in Arabic society nobody blames the woman if she divorces a husband who can’t father children. He told her she can keep the mahr – £ 50 000.  He also said that he will agree to keep paying for her keep at his aunt’s for as long as she wishes.

And then the surprise: He told her that his father has agreed to act as her wali and try to find a new husband for her. He will vouch for the fact that my husband’s infertility is the cause of the divorce and he will use his contacts to try and find her a good husband in Oman, so she won’t have to go back to Yemen.

My husband must have been thinking about this for a long time, even planning for it. =0

#2 was crying and lamenting but in the end I think she felt that this is as good a deal as she’ll get. It’s a chance to be happy.

She was crying a lot and he was comforting her. It hurt a lot to hear them speak of how much they love each other, how much it hurts to see it end like this… 😦

And then he asked her to fetch his aunt and her friend to the computer. When they were there, he gave her talaq with the three of us as witnesses.

So here we are.

We made love last night and I went to sleep in his arms. But I woke up after a while and found him gone. He was sitting in the drawing room in front of the fire, crying his eyes out. He’d left as to not wake me up. I took him back to bed and held him until he fell asleep.

We haven’t mentioned it at all today. It feels a bit like walking on thin glass.

I feel so sorry for him. And you know, in a way I feel sorry for her too.

19 thoughts on “My Husband’s Second “Wife” is in Iddah

  1. Wow!!! O.O

    You know, it’s funny. When my husband divorced #2 I felt sorry for both of them too, especially #2 even though she screwed it up herself and was such a hateful person. To this day I know she longs for him and it’s unlikely she will ever marry again and that sucks.

    I really hope Mark will be okay too. My husband grieved losing #2 a lot even though he knew there was no other option (aside from divorcing me) and even inn a monogamous marriage he said he couldn’t live with her.

    I can imagine how you’re feeling, Fiona. I will say, it will be a huge adjustment going back to monogamy, though of course YOU won’t be…you still have Graham and I assume you have no intention of losing him. Mark is gonna have a lot of issues…be prepared, hun.

  2. One thing which I never understood is that he at that time when you were almost dying, never felt like divorcing her instead felt that he can’t do this to her although at that time her situation was far better but now feels its the best thing to do??

  3. Holy…smokes…this is great news! I’m happy to hear Mark put his foot down. I knew something had to give, given the situation. It will be interesting how things play out. Is this a happy ending, or will it lead to new problems soon enough? Certainly now that you’re the only one polygamous, you spending time with Graham will hurt Mark ten-fold. Will Mark want you to become monogamous again? Will Mark propose bringing a new wife into the picture? Perhaps he will pretend he’s ok with status quo? Ay-yi-yi. For now, just celebrate and save later for the rest. Truly, I was incredibly happy for you while reading today’s post. 🙂

  4. I think Men are superior, emotionally more mature and posses emotional intelligence only until they are subjected to prove it and in no way they are judged!!

    Definitely Happiness of a polygamous spouse is directly proportional to his selfishness and lack of compassion. Also many men who stated that their wives are more happy and content in living polygamy but failed to answer any question about their thoughts without the help of Islamic rights truly justified that.Even though so many men stated about their wives happiness but we never found a happy first wife or second wife in case third exits or so on and if it would have been beneficial for them then sooner or later they must have realized that!
    but of course its not…..

  5. Wow..

    It seems like it happened so fast but then again this was inevitable to any third party reading this. I think there’s definitely got to be an adjustment period, where Mark with grieve the loss and also get used to the fact that now you’re the only one in polygamy. Are you going to stick to the same schedule now or be a bit lenient to Mark whilst he’s trying to move on?

    So you think the email was just the icing on the cake and he had been planning this for a while? The email just made him divorce her sooner rather than later?

    How are you? And how is Mark today?

  6. Pingback: ..::Dissolution of Marriage Procedure and Laws in Pakistan | PAKISTANI LAW FIRM

  7. As you can tell from the above site, a woman in a muslim country without the means to force her husband to give up his rights when they agree on the marriage contract – has in general no rights whatsoever. A husband can go away and leave her without a penny for a year – that doesn’t give her a right to sharia divorce. He can go away, marry somebody else and stay away without a word for three years – that’s no ground for divorce if he only sends some money during two of those years. He can marry three more women – that doesn’t give her a right to divorce unless he did something illegal while marrying these other women. He can allow her sex once every three years, and that’s enough – she won’t be able to get a sharia divorce as long as he does that. If her father sells her in marriage to a man while she is underaged, 12 or thirteen, she doesn’t have a right to divorce from this pedophile if he has fucked her and raped her during the years before turns 18 – only if he hasn’t.

    A man doesn’t have to worry much about divorce, because he can keep marrying and fucking other women anyway.

    A woman however must be certain to wait for divorce (khula can take years to get – you first have to wait to be deserted three years, and then if he comes back and has sex with you once you may have to wait another three years before you can go to court, and if your husband says he might better himself the court will demand you exercise patience for some more years – you may actually grow from a young woman to an old infertile woman before you get your divorce!) and make sure she has legal evidence that she is divorced – because if she would marry again believing the divorce to be finished but later something turns out to be wrong – she will be killed!!!!! Executed!!!!!!!

    The beauty of islam!
    The beauty of sharia!

  8. I wish you all the best Fiona and I hope you don’t give up on Graham. He was the one who supported you through the torture Mark inflicted on you.

    Speaking of Mark, don’t feel sorry for him, he was the one who created this situation. He nearly destroyed you and he probably has come close to destroying no.2 as well, all to satisfy his own selfish desires.

    Don’t believe Mark if he tries to start telling you he divorced no.2 for you. When you were dying in pain he didn’t divorce her. He’s done it now because it suits him.

    I don’t like the way no.2 treated you at all, but I feel sorry for her now. I think it was nasty of Mark to tell her with you there acting as a witness. Imagine if he did that to you? Just awful. The more I read about Mark the more I dislike him, he is selfish and cowardly. Sorry, but that is what comes through to me from your writings.

    And I feel sorry for no.2 because he has toyed with her life. All because he wanted a young, “village type” virgin. Now she is inconvenient for him, he divorces her. It will not be that easy for her to marry again without her virginity in that part of the world, kids or no kids, mahr or not. I imagine some of his tears are guilt because he knows that and some because he probably feels sorry for himself not being able to take her to bed again.

    Why is Mark’s father acting as her Wali. Her own father was wali when she married Mark? Has Mark even fronted up to her family about the divorce etc?

    Sorry if I sound harsh Fiona, no criticism at you, just don’t let him ruin your relationship with Graham, a man who has never hurt you. You know the saying, the man worth your tears won’t make you cry!

  9. Hello, Fiona

    I do not even know what to say about your new situation. The fact that he married her ,even though it almost killed u,and now is crying for her would be enough for me to kill him .Anyways,the post you made about sharia and Islam, none is that that Islam.You might look at Islam in Somali and Djobouti,where women can get a divorce in blink of an eye.I just don’t understand the islam that Pakistan,and some mideastern countries practice,but trust me I would not be in that religion.

    peace and love

  10. Thank you souamaya for reminding me – of course there are different cultural interpretations. If everybody would just hold on to the “don’t do to others what you would not have them do to you” – this blog wouldn’t have to exist.

  11. I was hoping that you would let Mark know what she was doing. I felt that you needed to give him the opportunity to fix the situation, even though I felt he would do nothing proactive. I felt that the way he choose a second wife was completely wrong. He didn’t consult you at all, just “surprised” you one day. So dealing with the problem directly was a total surprise to me. I do have a question (especially since you have two husbands now) though. If your husband told you that he would like a second wife again, would you be willing to help him find a much more suitable one?

  12. Hey Fiona, how is Mark doing? I imagine this can’t be easy, especially on Graham’s days/nights.

  13. Michelle’s comment “Don’t believe Mark if he tries to start telling you he divorced no.2 for you. When you were dying in pain he didn’t divorce her. He’s done it now because it suits him.”…. Yeah. That.
    When Mark asks you to give up Graham (and he will, oh yes he will) he will say he gave up #2 “for you” or “for us”. Don’t believe it and don’t let him get away with it. This mess that HE created is his cross to bear. Ironic. 😉

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