Please Help me, I Can’t Stand being Forced to Share the Person I Love

Heart-beatQuestion: Fiona

I feel like an idiot for writing and an even worse idiot because of the situation I’m in.

I met a woman 5 years ago, a wonderful woman my fantasy woman you might say. I love her to death. She knows every part of me and loves me just the way I am. She has made me happier than I ever thought possible. I feel like I have found my home by loving her.

When we met she was on the rebound from a long relationship. She told me everything about it, I could understand how hurt she was because this guy had chosen a job abroad before her. They broke up bad.

We have been married for 3,5 years, the best years of my life. We had a baby girl almost two years ago.

Now she tells me her former boy friend is back and she still loves him. Not more than me, but as much she says. She wants us both. She says she loves me and won’t leave me but she can’t give him up again so she wants us both. She is forcing me to live polygamy – just like you describe all these women.

I feel so powerless and so stupid, ashamed and disgusted and hateful. I could kill her boyfriend. Sometimes I feel like I could kill her! The problem is I love her. I love her just the same. And she’s the mother of my child, I could never take them from each other.

So I let it happen. I share her and I am dying inside because of it. Please help me. //Stupid Ass

Answer: Dear Stupid Ass,

You are not stupid! Nor are you, as far as I can tell, an ass.

You are trapped, just like so many of us. You are a crack whore. No offense, I’m a crack whore too. All of us who stay in a relationship because we are willing to prostitute ourselves to get an injection of love from our spouse are crack whores. All of us who’d rather stay and be raped and abused than give up on our habit are crack whores. This is how it works. This is why polygamy survives.

My advice is, focus on what you want. What does your future look like when you envision it? Are you willing to keep sharing? Is there anyway you can keep your half of happiness and add another half somehow?

What would be best for your daughter? What kind of influence will your wife’s new husband be in her life?

Do you love your wife more than you hate her?

Would you be happier without her?

Divorce is not always a failure! Divorce can be a new beginning.

Good luck ❤

13 thoughts on “Please Help me, I Can’t Stand being Forced to Share the Person I Love

  1. Dear OP:
    I’m in a similar situation. The high you get from that person is so high, you’ll do anything to get it, even throw yourself under a bus, where you get devastated. You emerge from being devastated, then you get high, then you’re devastated, again, and then you know what is next, you get high again. And they’re fine with that, because it is all about their needs.

    I don’t have the solution either, but I’m working on the process. When an emotion overwhelms you, sit down, by yourself, and let it be that way, and just lend your awareness to it, and to your body and it’s physical presence, and the fact that your awareness is of it, but it is not the same as it. If you do this, and commit yourself to the process, a crack of light will eventually dawn and guide you. Have courage..

  2. I , Too an A Crack Whore…in the very sense you describe here. I feel like we all had a Group Hug, and My Hell Day Might Not Feel So So Lonely. Thank You, Friends!

  3. You know I believe there are a lot of people out there doing the same thing. Problem is men dont talk about it its more shameful somehow for a man to be forced to share his wife. Cultural bias I suppose. I couldnt give up on my wife when she gave me the same option. I was incredibly angry and I packed my bags maybe a hundred times but hey as long as I knew she was giving me the option to keep half of our marriage I couldnt give her up. If its any comfort I can tell you that now four years down the road I like this lifestyle and wouldnt want it any other way. To me its more like I got i all instead of I got half. I can hang out with friends or do whatever and still I have a fantastic wife too. But thats me, I dont suppose it works out that way for everybody. Still I know a lot of my friends who have been through divorce say they would have opted for polygamy any day if their wives had given them that possibility instead of breaking up. Most divorces are initiated by the women. If culture allowed them polygamy instead maybe a lot of us would be able to avoid divorce, loneliness and losing our kids.

  4. I think if feelings are natural and genuine, then those are not meant to be suppressed instead we should express them especially when we haven’t done anything wrong. Home is the place and Family members are the one with whom we feel safest because we know with them we can be truly ourselves and they understand and respect our feelings more than we do, so when at home also you have to pretend to be someone you are not, betray your feelings for surviving a relationship then where else you can go to comfort yourself??

    “Marriage is like two people holding a rubber band. They pull,then when one person let’s go,it’s the person who held on that get’s hurt”!! Nothing can be more hurtful than loving a person more than your life and you come to know that your worth is not more than an option for them.In any relationship, nothing can be lonelier than spending the rest of your life with someone you can’t talk to, about anything and everything, feeling lonely when actually you are not alone is really painful.
    So I think in any relationship FULL STOP is always better than SEMI COLONS because the most difficult situation is when you don’t know whether to wait or move on…….

    Really very sorry to say but from your story it seems she never loved you at first place and you on the other hand forgot to love even yourself in the process of loving her. She is now doing the exact same thing with you that her boy friend did with her. Even in today’s World of delusion those who choose to love someone till death in no way deserve to be treated as an option and that too by choice!!

  5. Why should I agree to share my husband? Why should I agree to have half my children’s father taken from them or more? I can never understand that. Can anybody explain why I would allow that?

  6. Honestly, Mishmish, even though I did it, I cannot explain why any wife should do it. I had my reasons, none of which really had anything to do with religion. One was to drive my #2 crazy because she wanted me to divorce my husband and assumed I would and it pissed her off to no end that I stayed; I got some cheap satisfaction in that.

    The other was because I had way too much invested to just divorce him and hand him to that bitch on a silver platter, and by God I was going to see a return on that investment if it killed me to do it.

    I did find benefit in it, because I love having time to myself and I certainly got that, but I can’t speak for anyone else. Too often we hear “it’s Sunnah, Allah has made it permissible” and that apparently is that for many Muslim women. Put up and shut up, this is what Allah has planned for you, so suck it up, buttercup! But that’s not a good enough reason for me.

  7. Yeah….it would be acceptable if it was a woman. Polygamy has been accepted and practiced for a millenium. Shoes on the other foot..huh?

  8. I like you sharing your experiences honestly. I think most first wives stay for those reasons especially that divorce would mean giving the cowife exactly what she wants. I wish women were more united and would not marry another woman’s husband. For this women have to be free, independent, strong willed and be able to see through the lies and excuses married man give them.

  9. Another way women help is by raising their children as responsible human beings and not discriminate between male an female children. I see many women in my society who are unhappy with husbands, they are overly possessive of their sons and spoil them rotten. These men grow up being delusional and with lot of superiority complex over the opposite sex.

  10. Hello Laila, good points you wrote on. It is true in cases like this such as polygyny, or one-sided polygamy with or without the wife’s permission, it is on us women’s hands to unite together and oppose such practices which bring more harm to society than good. And teach children on equal human rights for both men and women and not to be discriminative between them as to give a superiority complex to one gender over the other. I see this also in my own community. Practices like forced polygamy destroys people’s psychological needs on trust, security, feeling loved and cherished, having a special bond, and more, for both the victimised spouse and the children, regardless of gender. Even mentally such a thing makes us women feel faint and breathless, whether we are single or not. And more so if people oppose our natural reactions in some way. So no wonder Fiona calls such an act as a form of rape. The concept of such polygyny also makes many single women scared to marry religious Muslim men, unfortunately, despite their otherwise very good character and personality, because of what they may have learned from religious preachers about women’s nature and polygyny being good for people. So apparently to rescue a few women in the population, as according to scholars, a greater damage to the larger population is being done. I would say more than the problem of lack of men versus women, turning men into marriageable material who will be faithful to one woman or at least give her equal human rights would be a more efficient step to improve society.

    So far I still agree on forced polygamy (where either the spouse was not informed on the other marriage, or was informed but permission was not taken, or permission was taken but the spouse was manipulated against their will or given false promises) being abolished and made into a criminal offence in the world, particularly in today’s society, with the only acceptable ones being consensual polygamy and equal polygamy. If the men can’t agree to that, then monogamy should be the law in general.

    I see a lot of people tend to trust scholars on their interpretation of the Quran (which is in classical arabic in it’s original language), since it is the scholars who spend 10 years or more studying the religion. Problem is, many of them also come from the same cultural background like us and patriarchal mindset. This then creates an interpretation of the religion in a more patriarchal form. The few ones I trust are the ones who came from a more liberal background or can sift through their cultural mindset. Many people haven’t even read properly the Quranic verses on polygamy. Even if they see the verses and how the scholars skip one of the conditions for men to take plural wives they still go against people who voice out against the scholars’ interpretation. I guess it is the deeply rooted upbringing of the cultural Islam which promoted this. I am sorry to whoever, particularly from non-Muslim background, had to face this.

    I also learned a great deal from all of you women. Thank you for providing your experiences too. One thing, Dale Arthur had previously warned me on taking advice from men on such issues or preaching to them on it. I thank her for this advice, because later I faced this problem and was confused on it. Many men I guess still either think women are very different from men, or have blind trust on the scholars, or want to hold on to their patriarchal views apparently. Not all though, some I met are more open minded too to accept differing views or have read the Quran for themselves to understand.

  11. Mariam i agree with you and like your views that only consensual and equal polygamy should be permitted. At the same time you talk about Quran being misinterpreted by patriarchal scholars. Is there any interpretation of Quran that supports equal polygamy ?

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