Can Children Forgive a Polygamous Father?

Depression-loss_of_loved_oneGraham has been calling my son about our visit in a couple of weeks, they have bought tickets to a hockey game and basket and I’m very relieved to be left out. 🙂

Graham tells me he told my son about Mark’s divorce, about everything that’s been going on. Apparently, Graham is hoping this new turn of events will open up a door for Mark and my son to somehow get in touch again. Graham said my son was happy about #2 getting out of our lives, but he didn’t know if he could forgive his dad. Ever. I think Graham proves again what a wonderful man he is by trying to reconcile my son, the boy he loves and treats like his own, and Mark.

I have stopped trying to push my son into forgiving his father. I know too much about the pain and torture of forced polygyny to expect my son to be able to reach out to his dad, or accept any kind of initiative from Mark. You can help somebody recover from abuse and torture, but you can’t make them love the abuser.

I have been contacted by many children with polygamous fathers. They all speak of agony, loneliness, feelings of insufficiency, abandonment – and the unbearable pain of watching your mother’s perpetual suffering. Many speak of trying to win your father’s love, trying to make him stay, end the torture. Their stories are heartbreaking, horrendous tales of the endless heritage of pain left by forced polygyny.

I believe a child can learn to live with having a polygamous father, they might even be able to keep up a relationship, allow the father to be a part of their lives.

But I don’t think a child can ever forgive a father who has forced polygyny on his family. They might accept it.

But they will never forgive.

Perspective

398px-Candle

A rough morning at work, I came home totally knackered after a late lunch.

I had a call from one of my best friends, her mother had just been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. I felt at a loss for words – how does one help a friend with that? Knowing that you will slowly and painfully lose your mother while still having her in your life, a walking shadow, just thinking about it makes me want to cry.

As you know, I lost my parents in a car crash. It was horrible. But I wonder if I wasn’t the lucky one compared with my friend. In my mind, my parents are young and active, my last mental images of them are happy ones.

I texted Graham, he’s off on a business trip, won’t be home until late tomorrow night.

Mark looked very tired when he left for work in the morning. I had planned to cook him a nice meal, but I simply can’t find the energy. I’ll get us some take outs and we can watch QI.

We could both need a laugh.

Muslims Must be Made to Understand What They are Saying When they want Polygamy Legalized!

imagesMany muslims in Europe and the US are fighting to have polygamy legalized.

One of the arguments they use is that gay marriages are lawful. They say that if any kind of union is to be accepted by law, polygamy must be lawful too.

Problem is, gay marriage is in accordance with human rights. Polygyny is not.

Read it again: Polygyny is not. Polygyny is based on the concept that one partner in a marriage has rights another partner does not. This is not the case in gay marriage.

One is a crime against human rights, one is not.

Isn’t it symptomatic when pro-polygynists can’t see the difference?

I read an article where muslims claim that polygamy should be legal. Problem is, they are liars. They don’t want polygamy to be legal, they want polygyny to be legal. They aren’t looking for marriage laws to be equal even though they are using that arguments based on gay-marriages being lawful – they just want to be allowed to pracitise misogynist polygyny.

Amin, a sociology instructor at Sojourner-Douglass College of Baltimore regularly discusses polygamy in his classroom. Not only does he note its religious significance but the benefits it can have in American society, particularly in areas like Baltimore city where the poverty rate is high and many women find themselves on the welfare roll.

“We have in the world more women than men and if a man has the ability to take care of more than one women he should be able to do that,” said Amin. “As far as legalization, I think they should…We should strive to have it legalized because Allah has already legalized it.

You  see – he says polygamy but he is lying. He is only speaking about polygyny. And he is lying in his arguments too – there are more men of fertile age in the world than women. And this honest truthful gentleman says nothing about lonely men – how will he care for them? How about areas of the world where there are three men to every woman? Huh? What about many cities in the US where women have work in schools, hospitals, shops, while the men are out of work because the factories have closed? Shouldn’t polyandry be recommended there?

NO!! Once again we see the lying, misogynist, munafiq face of islam.

Muslims must be made to understand that if they live in a nation where human rights are respected a call for making polygamy lawful must be exactly that – POLYGAMY, not POLYGYNY.

And any muslim entering a polygamous marriage should then have to take this marriage vow:

I marry you, NN, as my second (third, fourth et.c.) spouse with the full and written consent of my prior spouse/spouses. By doing so I proclaim, before Allah, you and all of mankind, that I wholeheartedly and willingly accept your absolute and equal right to enter marriage to more men or women if you prefer. I pledge myself to encourage and support you in polyandry/polygamy and I declare before Allah, you and all mankind that I do this with all my heart, all my soul and all my mind, holding your rights in every way to be the same as mine. My spouses’ equal rights in every aspect of life, I do hereby declare to be a law of Allah, a law of nature and a law of society. I will accept any spouse you, or any of my spouses, may bring into our polygamous family as your legal spouse and my co-spouse. I hereby declare that if I ever retract, verbally or mentally or by any kind of act, any part of this oath, if I have, or ever have, any proviso, restriction or reservation in giving this oath and keeping this oath, I commit my soul to burn in hell eternally. Ameen.

“This is Why Men have Power Over Women”

Proof of male superiority Source: Wikimedia Commons, By: Rawa77

Proof of male superiority Source: Wikimedia Commons, By: Rawa77

There is an islamic website that each day publishes fatwas and advice online. This is one of their articles of today:

at-Tirmidhî reported in ”al-Djâmi´” via ´Amr bin al-Ahwas (radhiya Allâhu ´anh) that Allâh’s messanger (sallâ Allâhu ´alayhi wa sallam) said:

”Fear Allâh concerning women! They are your captives.”1

This means that all women are as slaves to their husbands. Allâh knows the nature of women and that they are weak, and that their religion and intellect are inferior. If a woman is given a tool or a weapon she doesn’t know how to use it. If she had power over divorce she would divorce her husband twenty times every day. When her silly rage has subsided, she will begin to cry.  Suddenly she doesn’t want to go back and live with her parents, despite having divorced her husband twenty times. She is like a child. This is why Allâh (subhânahu wa ta´âlâ) has given all power to man, and made woman his slave.

published 13.10.05

Author: ´Allâmah Muqbil bin Hâdî al-Wâdi´î

Source: az-Zindânî wa Madjlis-ush-Shaykhât bil-Yaman, p. 148

This is the islamic view on women. This is what muslim men are taught about women. This is how muslim women are taught to view themselves. This is why islam claims men have a right to admonish and beat their wives. Their wives are their slaves, religiously and intellectually inferior slaves that can be used as a tilth at their husband’s command.

This is why muslims can accept a man’s right to marry three more women without informing his first wife. Why should he have to tell her? She is his slave and his tilth – not his equal! Not a human being – not like her husband.

This is why all utopian interpretations of islam are so dangerous. They pretend that the map is true and the real world is not! They pretend that it can be a good thing that one person is the slave and inferior of another.

This is why women are forced to live polygyny, why children are forced to marry old men, why women are raped and beaten by their husbands.

Because their religion explicitly allows it, and the interpreters of their religion propagate it, and their apologetics claim it would have been a great way to live, if only all people had been saints.

My Husband’s Second “Wife” is in Iddah

ThreeringsI showed Mark the nasty e-mail from #2.

I did it simply because I have decided there must be an end to secrets, deception and manipulation. Everything on the table from here on.

He just sat there silently reading then he hunkered down and sat for a long while with his face in his hands, saying nothing.

Then he up and left.

I started folding laundry, stood in the utility room and tried to keep my mind blank.

He came home again 45 minutes later and called me out to the kitchen. He had his laptop and he said he was going to Skype with #2 and tell her he is giving her talaq. I asked him to give it more thought, because I felt I didn’t want to be the one pushing him to do this, but he said he’s done thinking. He said he wanted to Skype with her, and he wanted me to be there, to hear everything that was said.

I agreed.

So he Skyped her.

He told her he wanted a divorce. He said he understood that her situation is difficult, but he said that his infertility can be used as her public excuse to get a divorce – even in Arabic society nobody blames the woman if she divorces a husband who can’t father children. He told her she can keep the mahr – £ 50 000.  He also said that he will agree to keep paying for her keep at his aunt’s for as long as she wishes.

And then the surprise: He told her that his father has agreed to act as her wali and try to find a new husband for her. He will vouch for the fact that my husband’s infertility is the cause of the divorce and he will use his contacts to try and find her a good husband in Oman, so she won’t have to go back to Yemen.

My husband must have been thinking about this for a long time, even planning for it. =0

#2 was crying and lamenting but in the end I think she felt that this is as good a deal as she’ll get. It’s a chance to be happy.

She was crying a lot and he was comforting her. It hurt a lot to hear them speak of how much they love each other, how much it hurts to see it end like this… 😦

And then he asked her to fetch his aunt and her friend to the computer. When they were there, he gave her talaq with the three of us as witnesses.

So here we are.

We made love last night and I went to sleep in his arms. But I woke up after a while and found him gone. He was sitting in the drawing room in front of the fire, crying his eyes out. He’d left as to not wake me up. I took him back to bed and held him until he fell asleep.

We haven’t mentioned it at all today. It feels a bit like walking on thin glass.

I feel so sorry for him. And you know, in a way I feel sorry for her too.

The Hypocrisy of Islam on Polygamy

In islam, many scholars and muslims claim that a man is allowed to marry up to four women.

Furthermore, he is allowed to do so without permission from his first wife.

Furthermore, he is allowed to do so without even telling his first wife either before or after a second marriage. These are the ethics of islam.

A woman on the other hand is not allowed to have several husbands.

(Most muslims seem not to care that this is in blatant disregard of the rules in the quran that state that a man must be in charge of orphans and without the possibility to treat them well in order to be allowed to be polygamous, while all women who are slaves are allowed to have plural husbands)

Furthermore, according to islamists a woman is not allowed to speak with a man, show her face to a man, leave her house or speak with a man on the phone, be he a teacher or a doctor, without asking her husband’s approval.

So, islamic ethics say that a man is allowed to fuck three other women (or more if he buys them or divorces one of the others) without telling his wife, he is allowed to marry three other women without telling his wife, he is allowed to have babies with other women (three, or more if he buys them from traffickers or divorces one of the others) – he is allowed to fuck women with AIDS or syphilis without telling his wife – but a woman is not allowed to speak with a male teacher on the phone without asking her husband’s permission.

These are the beautiful ethics of islam – how can anybody call it misogynist? =0

Here’s a summary of what an islamic fanatic at Polygamy411 says when another woman admits to having a male friend (these women are both living in polygynous marriages, their husbands spending at least half their lives fucking, loving and impregnating other women!) . She claims that it is forbidden to have any contact at all, IRL or on the net with a man. Especially if you´re feeling neglected (woah, why would you feel neglected while your husband is off fucking his other “wife”??) You must ask your husband’s permission if you ever have to e-mail a man, and you must send copies of everything you write so he can check it. Because the devil will take you if you exchange a friendly e-mail with a man while your husband is off eating the pussy of his new “wife”.

So – a man is not vulnerable, he is not limited by ethics, consideration or morals. He can just go and fuck and marry other women and the first wife must be grateful for being tested.

But no woman should ever even have a cup of coffee with a man without her husband’s permission!!! 😦

These ethics are sick and warped, and people propagating these rules are the new nazis – the gender racists guilty of the worst modern crime against mankind – islamic persecution of, and crimes against the rights of women.

Can We Be One Family in Polygamy?

ThreeringsI hurried home from work today to be able to spend some time with poor Mark before I went home to Graham. Mark is still running a fever and has a terrible cough so he doesn’t get much sleep and I wanted to be with him a while, cheer him up.

Mark had texted me at lunch telling me I needn’t bother about bringing him food today, but I picked up some snacks from M&S anyway on my way home.

So I stormed into the kitchen with my parcels and was quite surprised to hear shouting in the living room. Had to go and have a look.

And there were Mark and Graham watching rugger, beer cans in hand and black olives, crisps and hummus all over the table. =0

I must have looked really gobsmacked because they both laughed and cracked like 1000 jokes about me, polygamy and the whole shebang. Fine, I can take it.

Is this the way it’s going to be now? How do I feel about this? I need to give it some thought. Right now I’m happy just sitting here in the sofa with a beer can, laptop on my knee, watching the two men I love shout insults at a poor referee in too tight shorts.

Polygamy is Hard Work!

800px-Vicks_VapoRubMy first husband Mark has come down with the flu.

Poor man, he’s almost dying, the way men are when they have a 39° temp, a sore throat and an aching head.

I’ve been to two meetings today and this evening I’m to go to a work related social function with Graham. Have to look nice and try to win some hard customers over 😉

In between, I’ve been to Boots to get some coughing syrup for Mark. An hour later he discovered we were out of Beechams 4 in 1, so I had to go to Boots again. Right now I’m at Chopsticks, waiting for Mark’s order of spicy noodles so I can take them to him before I go home to change. I promised to pick up some stuff at the dry cleaner’s for Graham on my way home.

Mark has texted me like 10 times during the day, wondering where his grey cardigan was, where the iPad was, how to connect to Apple TV… Gee, men really are helpless! I suppose the texting will go on during the evening, and I’ll probably have to check in on him before I go home (it’s Graham’s night) – make him some camomile tea 🙂

In polygamy, the big, existential issues are extremely challenging, but I can tell you, ordinary everyday life isn’t easy either!

I sure hope he feels better tomorrow!

Please Help me, I Can’t Stand being Forced to Share the Person I Love

Heart-beatQuestion: Fiona

I feel like an idiot for writing and an even worse idiot because of the situation I’m in.

I met a woman 5 years ago, a wonderful woman my fantasy woman you might say. I love her to death. She knows every part of me and loves me just the way I am. She has made me happier than I ever thought possible. I feel like I have found my home by loving her.

When we met she was on the rebound from a long relationship. She told me everything about it, I could understand how hurt she was because this guy had chosen a job abroad before her. They broke up bad.

We have been married for 3,5 years, the best years of my life. We had a baby girl almost two years ago.

Now she tells me her former boy friend is back and she still loves him. Not more than me, but as much she says. She wants us both. She says she loves me and won’t leave me but she can’t give him up again so she wants us both. She is forcing me to live polygamy – just like you describe all these women.

I feel so powerless and so stupid, ashamed and disgusted and hateful. I could kill her boyfriend. Sometimes I feel like I could kill her! The problem is I love her. I love her just the same. And she’s the mother of my child, I could never take them from each other.

So I let it happen. I share her and I am dying inside because of it. Please help me. //Stupid Ass

Answer: Dear Stupid Ass,

You are not stupid! Nor are you, as far as I can tell, an ass.

You are trapped, just like so many of us. You are a crack whore. No offense, I’m a crack whore too. All of us who stay in a relationship because we are willing to prostitute ourselves to get an injection of love from our spouse are crack whores. All of us who’d rather stay and be raped and abused than give up on our habit are crack whores. This is how it works. This is why polygamy survives.

My advice is, focus on what you want. What does your future look like when you envision it? Are you willing to keep sharing? Is there anyway you can keep your half of happiness and add another half somehow?

What would be best for your daughter? What kind of influence will your wife’s new husband be in her life?

Do you love your wife more than you hate her?

Would you be happier without her?

Divorce is not always a failure! Divorce can be a new beginning.

Good luck ❤