Having a Baby with a Polygamous Man

S%C3%A9pulcre_Arc-en-Barrois_111008_12I have met and heard from so many wives who are desperately miserable because their husbands are having a baby with his other wife. Other wives have contacted me because they are miserable since they have just had babies or are expecting babies with their polygamous husbands. Both ways, the wives are the losers. Not to mention the children.

Situation 1: The other wife is having a baby

Your husband is having a baby with his other wife. They are sharing the joy and expectancy – you are left out. They are waiting for the result of their love and love making to come and permanent the bond between them. They are sharing the most amazing experience in the world. They are, not you. He wants to talk about having children all the time, you definitely don’t. He hates it that you sulk instead. He is constantly on the phone with his second wife, checking that she’s ok, wondering if there’s anything she needs. She calls and texts him constantly. Suddenly she is having the baby – on your night. When the call comes your husband up and leaves. You’re alone, knowing that he is becoming a father to another woman’s baby. He sends you pictures of the baby from the hospital. He texts you about how beautiful the baby is, about how happy he is, about how amazing it all is. He writes that he hopes that one day you will get to experience this too.

Life changes. When he’s with you he keeps talking about his child, he wants you to admire the pictures. He gets texts all the time, smiles and leaves the room. Sometimes he comes home to you on nights that are hers. You are happy, put on your best lingerie and he makes love to you, then he tells you he came over because he wants to sleep and sleep is difficult with a baby around. The next day he calls you and says he must make the night up to #2 so he will be away a couple of days because he wants to take his little family away on holiday. You realize, you will never again be anything but a matter of convenience.

Situation 2: You are having a baby

You’re having a baby. You call your husband when you get the result because he is with his other wife. You are so happy. You call him a couple of times more because you are so happy and need to talk about it – he tells you that his other wife is getting angry because of the calls so he asks you not to call. When you go to parents’ class, you have to go alone. All other women there bring their husbands, you’re alone. When they ask why you lie and say he’s abroad. You can’t tell them he’s polygamous. The first time you can feel the baby moving, you’re alone. You send a text to your husband. When you spend day after day vomiting, you’re alone because he’s off making love to his other wife. You go shopping for things for the baby alone. One day he takes you to the mall and buys a crib, a pram and a lot of other things You spend a wonderful day together. Then he tells you that he must spend an equal amount of money on his other wife so he’s taking her on a short holiday. But you can text his brother if you need anything while he’s away shagging his other wife.

The night you’re having the baby, he’s with his other wife. You call him and he says that when it gets real, he’ll be there.  You call him from the hospital and he says he’s coming. It’s a two hour drive normally but because of roadwork it takes him three hours to get there. You have to go through most of the delivery alone. You have lied to the ob about your husband having to take care of his sick mother. You have to suffer the pain and fear alone. When your baby is born, your husband takes pictures of the baby and sends them to his other wife. He tells you he’s been talking about names with his other wife and they have some suggestions. After a couple of days, he leaves to go to his other wife. You are alone when your baby has stomach cramps, you carry the baby around hour after hour in your arms, making soothing noises, still suffering from extreme pains after the delivery and sleep deprivation because you haven’t been able to sleep during the last weeks of your pregnancy. You can’t take turns because your husband is with his other wife. The slim one, with no baby to keep him up at night. When your baby has his first fever, your husband is with his other wife. You text him and take a taxi to the hospital. It turns out to be colics. Your baby cries night after night, you walk and soothe. Your husband says he can’t stand not being allowed to sleep, so he spends extra time with his other wife. When you call him to talk about how alone and tired you are he says you can’t call so often and you can hear the shower running in the background and you understand he has just been making love to his other wife. He says he’ll call you in the morning. You realize, you will never again be anything but a matter of convenience.

And the child. The suffering of the child, wanting a father, longing for a father, has only begun.

25 thoughts on “Having a Baby with a Polygamous Man

  1. What a vivid, heartbreaking, and all too common portrait you painted, Fiona. Who the fuck in their right mind would ever want this????

  2. I cried and cried when I read this Fiona, this is my story I could have writen this. The hurt and the sorrow is nothing any person should have to live. I can never understand how men can want to do this to their family I can not undertand how they can live with themselfes. I am divorced now because I could not stay in torture. I live in France and this means I could leave my husband. Had we still been in Iran I could not have left because my daughter would have been taken by her father when I married again. Al-Hamdu-Lillah I live in France! In an arabic country I would have been chained to polygamy for the rest of my life and my daughter too. I wish all countries would forbid polygamy. I have read and read and you are telling the truth Fiona QUran says only men who are guardians of orphans are allowed polygamy and only if they can not treat the orphans well. Islam is lying to all people when they say Quran allows polygamy to men. It doesn’t. It only takes one reading of the Quran to see that Islam has been interpreted false by men!

  3. This is an ugly and despicable attempt to try and scare women from entering polygamous marriage. This is why men are made protectors of women to save them from propaganda and lies like this. A baby is a miracle of joy but you portrait it as a misfortune. No woman is happier than a wife and mother. The worries for providing for the child and protecting the child is on the husband, no mother should worry the way you paint it here.
    If polygamy brought unhappiness to children it would be haram. But Allah swt made polygamy halal to men to allow us to make many families and care for our children in peace. If haters like you try and scare women from marrying polygamous men or try to bring shame on polygamous husbands this is heresy. A husband can have four wives expecting children and he is able to love for all four and provide for their children Allah swt has made it possible. Why should you only paint the ugly picture? Why scare and write propaganda? Why not speak words of comfort and reassurance. I think women who come to a blog about polygamy are looking for help to be good wives and help to overcome any minor anxieties it can bring to share a husband with a loving sister in faith and you spread fear and maybe prevent a man from finding a good wife to have a polygamous marriage with. Then there will be no mariage and no child and you can not think this is better?

  4. Oh Jesus, I don’t even know where to begin. Maybe I’ll be able to write an answer later. 😦

  5. Me either except Malik….when YOU are the spouse put into this hell, THEN come talk to us. We’ll be waiting to hear what song you sing then. 😀

  6. Malik, you said:
    “This is an ugly and despicable attempt to try and scare women from entering polygamous marriage” And why Malik, are you spending time on a blog that you consider to be ugly and despicable? Is that a demonstrable expression of Islam?

    You also said: “Why not speak words of comfort and reassurance.” Well then Malik, why don’t you start your own blog and put forth the words that you think should be expressed?

    Actually, I already know why. Because Malik would rather criticize someone else’s work, than do the work himself. And Malik wants only to be praised. When you put yourself out in public, you get everything, not just praise.

    So Malik, based on your post, I guess you are basically lazy and cowardly. I suggest you work on your own deficiencies, instead of criticizing other people.

  7. Malik, I respect you feel strongly about this.

    Fiona’s post wasn’t about feelings of motherhood. It was about how polygamy changes every experience you ever have as a wife and a mother and mostly, not for the better. And this usually goes far beyond feelings of “minor anxieties” – that’s the best euphemism I’ve heard in a long time though.

    Do you know of any sisters truly happy in polygamy? Specifically any first wives, because being honest, they are the ones who lose the most. Even you would agree the first wife and her children lose the time they once had with their husband in monogamy? Other wives come in knowing they have to share, but not the first wife unless you told her before you married her. Unlikely.

    I ask if you know anyone happy because maybe you could set up a site where they can tell us how wonderful polygamy is? If you feel Fiona was unfair then please bring forward some sisters that are so happy in polygamy they will share it with us? I would like to hear what they say.

    Because I have never met one sister genuinely happy in polygamy. I do believe a favourite wife could be happy to some degree, but still not completely. And that’s in both muslim and non-muslim countries and in muslim and non-muslim communities.

    The most I can say is that some do tolerate it.

    Increasingly, women are opting for divorce over accepting polygamy. They wouldn’t do that if they were happy in polygamy Malik. They certainly wouldn’t be divorcing if they only experienced “minor anxieties”. Look at figures for Saudi and Indonesia if you don’t believe me.

    Sisters are rejecting polygamy and I imagine that is very worrying for muslim men wanting four wives. It becomes increasingly difficult to find willing polygamous wives when sisters have other options.

  8. @ Malik!!
    I think you should know that “THOSE CREATURES THAT ARE MEANT TO BE LOVED, TAKEN CARE AND PROVIDED FOR THE WAY WE WANT, CAN AFFORD AND THINK THEY DESERVE ONLY ACCORDING TO OUR VIEW POINT AND PRIORITIES WITHOUT CONSIDERING THEIR NEEDS, WISHES AND EXPECTATIONS ARE “PET ANIMALS” NOT WIVES AND CHILDREN.
    These animals are meant to entertain as we wish and we train then according to our ways of dealing with them not wives and children.

    A wife is a man’s better half and children his biggest responsibilities.
    Ä DAD IS A DAUGHTER’S FIRST LOVE AND A SON’S FIRST HERO”. Tell me honestly do you think children from a polygamous marriage can even by mistake consider their dad as such because apart from father its their mother who makes them realize this? I wonder if there exists a wife in polygamous marriage who wants her children to become as their father when they grow up!!

    And those men out there who want to feel POWERFUL AND MANLY, here I am to tell you the most efficient method to do that and that too without hurting anyone and without losing anything-
    “DON’T MAKE YOUR WIFE JEALOUS OF OTHER WOMEN INSTEAD MAKE OTHER WOMEN JEALOUS OF YOUR WIFE AND THAT TOO WITH JUST A SIMPLE REASON SHE IS MARRIED TO YOU AND YOU ARE HER HUSBAND”. if you succeed in doing this surely you will feel yourself that you are the most powerful man even without competing and your wife undoubtedly the luckiest women in the world in her eyes as well as in the eyes of other women!!

    “BETRAYING AND CHEATING IS VERY EASY, ANYONE AND EVERYONE CAN DO THAT -IF YOU REALLY CONSIDER YOURSELF A MAN AND THAT TOO A POWERFUL ONE THEN TRY SOMETHING CHALLENGING LIKE BEING FAITHFUL AND COMMITTED TO ONE FOR A LIFETIME”!!!

  9. Salams sisters

    I have two wives and they are both happy and content. SO thank you, I can give examples. I told my first wife when I talked to her wali that I would eventually marry my cousin too. It was agreed. My first wife understood my responsibilities. She was worried when the time came for marriage but she soon saw that my love for her did not change and I am still taking care of the children. She is not selfish and speaks bad of things prescribed by Allah but is grateful. My second wife is happy and grateful for my first wife’s welcome and generosity. I have decided now to take a third wife and my first wife prays that I shall find a good wife. My second wife is a bit anxious because she has not before known what is like to bring in a new ife and is a bit afraid my love will change but my first wife is helping her and soothing her. I came here because I was looking for a blog where women help each other to find peace and happiness with polygamous husbands but I found this scaremongering in stead. It is women like you who make women afraid of polygamy and divorce their husbands when they marry plural wives or abstain from marriage altogether. This is very bad indeed!

  10. Well Malik, I hope for your wives’ sake you read their true feelings correctly. But I played the “accepting first wife” role perfectly…should have gotten an academy award for it. Inside I was dying.

  11. You are not alone unchained. I have heard so many first wives tell how they play the accepting role because they hope by playing it they will make it real. Doesn’t work. All that happens is that you become one of the people who betray you, by betraying yourself. Hugs! And Malik – somebody is not telling the truth in your marriages. Who could it be?

  12. Fiona, I never looked at it that way but you’re right. It was and is self betrayal. Too, I stayed because I knew my refusal to leave drove #2 crazy, and the more calm and accepting I was the nuttier she got. I hoped dumbass husband would wake up and see that he was wasting his time, money, and resources on a bitch who did not deserve it. Eventually dumbass figured it out but by that time I was exhausted. When #2 was out of the picture my true feelings…years worth….tumbled out. Wow. I had no idea how much anger and hatred I’d stored up.

  13. I can relate to that! Wow, it must have been a sight.. How did your husband react when you finally had your say? :p

  14. He more or less told me I was as nuts as #2 and left to stay with friends for a few months. We’re back together, my anger is still there but put away. We’re trying to see if there is anything left of what was there before all of this.

  15. @ Malik!
    Brother I wanted example of wives who want to make their children like their polygamous father from wives themselves not from you or any Muslim scholar!! so Basically you mean that your wives
    are trained according to your ways of dealing with them because that’s the only way to survive polygamy. Basically you are providing them food, shelter and basic things for survival so anyone who can provide them these things other than you is entitled to become their Husband, father of their children and they would be equally happy and content because according to you that’s all they need, and those wives who are dependent on themselves doesn’t need a husband at all!! Can you claim that no one else can love your wife like the way you do,can give her more happiness than you do or they find themselves very lucky to have you??

    But those wives who are fortunate enough to find a Husband like Malik should be assured that his love is not going to change no matter how many times wives are multiplied and time between them is divided because any number multiplied by zero is zero itself and division by zero is yet not defined!!

    Love is when you place other people’s needs, desires and expectations before your own and is done with Heart not mind because love brings with it a little sacrifice too but people like you are at the top in your list of priorities and now i think you are the last one too, so preoccupied with self that there’s no place for others!! I can bet people like you never ever bother to ask their loved ones that are they satisfied or there’s anything more they can do which can add to your happiness because they are busy satisfying their endless selfishness!!

    Many men who really loved their 1st wife but somehow engage in polygamy and are now fallen in love with their 2nd wife stated that now they find themselves alone, devastated, split up into two pieces and are busy in trying their best to show their love to both wives and eventually know that complete love, devotion, and trust can never be there!! they find themselves guilty in both the marriages and have no live of their own….. They have also accepted that these are not the things men talk about even with friends and after being polygamous they can’t talk about everything they feel to anyone and i never found a happy and satisfied first wife!!
    Don’t worry you will never fall in that category because for that you should posses compassion, empathy and feelings for others too!!
    In your second post too I found nothing other than you mentality and ways of dealing with things may be because that’s all your heart and mind are full of….

    I THINK AMOUNT OF HAPPINESS AS A POLYGAMOUS SPOUSE IS DIRECTLY PROPORTIONAL TO YOUR SELFISHNESS AND LACK OF COMPASSION!!

  16. Why am I not surprised? It’s fantastic the way these men manage to find fault with their wives and their feelings and reactions instead of finding fault with the fact that they “marry” other women, make love to them, have children with them, spend half their time and money on them, lie to us, and expect us to suck it up and pray for patience. My husband actually asked me once why I always hated his becoming polygynous, why I didn’t do like other women and sexied up and tried to compete for love and attention and enjoyed competing instead… :0

  17. Those men who state – “Their wife understood their responsibility and accepted their another marriage”.

    So if that’s what you mean marrying a girl who is younger, virgin and lovely is a man’s biggest responsibility because all the men are after Widows, orphans, needy women specially if they are old and already having many children to take care of they find her irresistible!! I wonder how society would be without people like you!!

    Seriously that’s the type of sacrifice that needs to be quoted because they even risk their first marriage and family to fulfill their responsibility as a man.They value their duty as a man more than their duty as a Husband. I wonder why people don’t realize your dedication for responsibilities? Even Government hasn’t announced any award for people like you, you truly deserve it.”People like you are a boon to humanity”!!

    I wonder why people like you are restricted till only Four wives, When Allah has gifted you with such a big heart that it can accommodate any number of women provided they are young because you are doing this just for the sake of society as a man and obviously you cannot help a woman and take care of her without sleeping with her so you start preparing yourself for that even when the idea of helping someone just arrives!!

    And those Wives who cannot even think of sharing themselves and their duties as a wife with any man other than their husband are really so cold hearted, selfish and its due to their lack of dedication towards society that many young men are deprived from marriages and children and at present when number of boys are far more than girls, they have even bigger responsibilities but they don’t realize that even when their husbands are trying to help more and more number of young women with their marriages, such a disgrace to Humanity!!

    I think they should must change their mentality & if not willing to help other men with marriages then they should help them with Children at least.

    SISTERS DON’T BE SO SELFISH, LOVE IS ALL ABOUT SHARING, BE STRONG IN YOUR FAITH, AND START DEDICATING YOURSELF TO YOUR BIGGER RESPONSIBILITIES AS A WOMAN.DON’T THINK THIS MUCH YOU YOURSELVES ARE MAKING IT HARD,JUST START WITH THE FIRST STEP OF HELPING BY SLEEPING WITH MEN OTHER THAN YOUR HUSBAND.

  18. Fiona, I was more than down for competition lol….strangely my idiot husband didn’t like it. I guess he wanted me to stay ME and I suppose the way I changed reminded him of the reality that his actions had had a huge and profound effect on our marriage and on me as a person. Sure, there were good changes too (polygamy forced us into communication, for one thing) and there was the challenge presented to me (anything she can do I can do better) but god, how dysfunctional it all was. It changed me. I am not who I was before. Whether that is a good thing or not remains to be seen, but one thing I do know is I am far stronger than I ever imagined.

  19. @ Fiona!
    The answer to your Husband’s Question that explains why you didn’t enjoyed competing is-

    because “YOU ARE NOT AN OPTION, YOU ARE A MUST FOR ANY MAN”!!
    you are not like a flower in a bouquet that one can hold and can enjoy the way he wants, also don’t have any identity of its own and belongs to the one holding it. And with time its fragrance & beauty declines and so it looses its Value. Instead you are like a flower in the garden, even though you belong to someone you have your own identity and with time it doesn’t looses its charm, beauty and fragrance instead becomes more strong because it has roots to support itself!!

  20. Malik: “I have two wives and they are both happy and content”

    LMAO. Malik, your gender, which believes it has been charged with superiority, lives in a miniature world indeed. Life is ironic that way.

  21. Malik,

    If your wives are happy and content as you say, why are you searching the Internet for polygamy support groups for women?

    Your words “I was looking for a blog where women help each other find peace and happiness in polygamy”.

    Are you not admitting here that you know very well your wives are not happy in polygamy?

    Websites don’t drive women in polygamy to divorce Malik,their husbands behaviour does.

    But I wish your wives well actually.

  22. You also write “if polygamy brought unhappiness to children it would be haram”.

    I argue that if polygamy brought happiness it would be compulsory or highly recommended in Islam. But it isn’t, it’s simply permissable.

    I’m wondering Malik, do you do all the compulsory and all the highly recommended deeds that rank far above polygamy for a Muslim or do you skip the inconvenient ones and jump opt for permissable polygamy? I would like to hear how you have time for things like giving Dawaa and doing night prayers when you’re so busy with multiple wives? Or are those things not as important/gratifying to you?

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