I have met and heard from so many wives who are desperately miserable because their husbands are having a baby with his other wife. Other wives have contacted me because they are miserable since they have just had babies or are expecting babies with their polygamous husbands. Both ways, the wives are the losers. Not to mention the children.
Situation 1: The other wife is having a baby
Your husband is having a baby with his other wife. They are sharing the joy and expectancy – you are left out. They are waiting for the result of their love and love making to come and permanent the bond between them. They are sharing the most amazing experience in the world. They are, not you. He wants to talk about having children all the time, you definitely don’t. He hates it that you sulk instead. He is constantly on the phone with his second wife, checking that she’s ok, wondering if there’s anything she needs. She calls and texts him constantly. Suddenly she is having the baby – on your night. When the call comes your husband up and leaves. You’re alone, knowing that he is becoming a father to another woman’s baby. He sends you pictures of the baby from the hospital. He texts you about how beautiful the baby is, about how happy he is, about how amazing it all is. He writes that he hopes that one day you will get to experience this too.
Life changes. When he’s with you he keeps talking about his child, he wants you to admire the pictures. He gets texts all the time, smiles and leaves the room. Sometimes he comes home to you on nights that are hers. You are happy, put on your best lingerie and he makes love to you, then he tells you he came over because he wants to sleep and sleep is difficult with a baby around. The next day he calls you and says he must make the night up to #2 so he will be away a couple of days because he wants to take his little family away on holiday. You realize, you will never again be anything but a matter of convenience.
Situation 2: You are having a baby
You’re having a baby. You call your husband when you get the result because he is with his other wife. You are so happy. You call him a couple of times more because you are so happy and need to talk about it – he tells you that his other wife is getting angry because of the calls so he asks you not to call. When you go to parents’ class, you have to go alone. All other women there bring their husbands, you’re alone. When they ask why you lie and say he’s abroad. You can’t tell them he’s polygamous. The first time you can feel the baby moving, you’re alone. You send a text to your husband. When you spend day after day vomiting, you’re alone because he’s off making love to his other wife. You go shopping for things for the baby alone. One day he takes you to the mall and buys a crib, a pram and a lot of other things You spend a wonderful day together. Then he tells you that he must spend an equal amount of money on his other wife so he’s taking her on a short holiday. But you can text his brother if you need anything while he’s away shagging his other wife.
The night you’re having the baby, he’s with his other wife. You call him and he says that when it gets real, he’ll be there. You call him from the hospital and he says he’s coming. It’s a two hour drive normally but because of roadwork it takes him three hours to get there. You have to go through most of the delivery alone. You have lied to the ob about your husband having to take care of his sick mother. You have to suffer the pain and fear alone. When your baby is born, your husband takes pictures of the baby and sends them to his other wife. He tells you he’s been talking about names with his other wife and they have some suggestions. After a couple of days, he leaves to go to his other wife. You are alone when your baby has stomach cramps, you carry the baby around hour after hour in your arms, making soothing noises, still suffering from extreme pains after the delivery and sleep deprivation because you haven’t been able to sleep during the last weeks of your pregnancy. You can’t take turns because your husband is with his other wife. The slim one, with no baby to keep him up at night. When your baby has his first fever, your husband is with his other wife. You text him and take a taxi to the hospital. It turns out to be colics. Your baby cries night after night, you walk and soothe. Your husband says he can’t stand not being allowed to sleep, so he spends extra time with his other wife. When you call him to talk about how alone and tired you are he says you can’t call so often and you can hear the shower running in the background and you understand he has just been making love to his other wife. He says he’ll call you in the morning. You realize, you will never again be anything but a matter of convenience.
And the child. The suffering of the child, wanting a father, longing for a father, has only begun.