A Cute Little Message from my “Co-Wife”

I got an e-mail from my first husband’s #2.

I couldn’t believe it.

She had copied and pasted from letters and messages Mark has sent her and spiced them up with her own comments on how much he loves her, wants her, covets her, and added photos of him asleep and naked, of them together kissing, and screenshots from some of their cyber rendezvous.

There’s your innocent, lovely, modest girl!

The sad thing is, I let it get to me. Yes, I admit it hurt like hell.

I recognize the words, the same kind of nicknames, silly endearments he uses with me. It hurts to know he uses the same phrases, the same words of love to her. And the images burn into my brain.

She is vicious, bad to the bone.

I hate her.

I’m sorry but that’s the truth. I hate her.

44 thoughts on “A Cute Little Message from my “Co-Wife”

  1. I’d say that shows desperation on her part.

    Any wife feeling happy and secure in her marriage wouldn’t do that?

    She must be eaten up inside with jealousy, anger and bitterness. Maybe it’s an attempt to push you into leaving your husband, as reality has set in that he will never leave you? If anything I think her rant shows she is suffering not matter how cleverly it is disguised as gloating?

    The more I read on this topic the more I’m feeling that many second wives marry with the hope and intention of the first marriage ending in divorce. What else explains the jealous rages when they have to share long term and don’t get what they want?

    They must take the moral high ground with their future husband, pretending that they aren’t jealous, they are happy to share their husband because they feel so grateful to have him. But when he doesn’t leave his wife the reality of polygamy hits home.

  2. I can understand that she is desperate. And yes, she has been hoping that my husband leave me – she has said so. She thought he’d tire of me because I’m so much older than her, and she’d be soooo sweet, obedient, innocent, undemanding and adoring. She must have been devastated when it didn’t work out the way she planned. During his visit she must have understood that he has no intention to leave me, and yes this is her desperate reaction.

    It’s my experience too that second wives believe that their men will eventually leave their first wives. It’s natural. They are experiencing infatuation, sharing intimacy, sharing the little secrets and the sweet nothings “I love you so much” “You mean more than the world to me” – of course many of them believe the men will leave their wives. But they don’t. Men want to eat the cookie and keep it too. These are not men who marry elderly widows – I have never ever heard of a muslim man in his thirties marrying a 70 year old widow to take care of her, have you? Oh no, these are men who get young wives instead of shagging the secretary. They don’t want the misery of a divorce, especially not in Europe or the US where they stand to lose their children, they are eager to keep their real wives. And when the second wives realize this, they show their real ugly faces. That’s my experience. And islam is the enabler since islam allows a man to lie to his wife, marry a second without her permission or, if he chooses, marry a second without telling his first wife. These are disgusting rules that go against all natural ethics, but they have been invented by men to give power to men and to enable men to dominate women and sleep around.

  3. Good lord. I think your #2 is related to my #2. Yes, the little darling pulled this same trick. I could’ve killed her. AND him. Easily. This happened several years ago and I still hate them for it. Yes, #2’s have it in their head that they’re all that and then some and who knows what the husbands tell the #2’s to give them the idea that #2 can just jump in and remove #1 from their marriage, but it sure seems to me that #2’s without fail have that in mind – they’re going to run off #1. And when that doesn’t happen they go batshit crazy. Mine was batshit crazy to begin with, so there you go. But Fiona, yours, wow. Given how young she is, how inexperienced she is, I suspect someone put her up to doing this. I don’t know this for a fact but I think so. How’s Mark going to react to this stunt when/if you tell him what she did?

  4. My Suggestion is don’t take it lightly and let Your First Husband know about it all. Especially when You were the one to sent him with your consent and money and is it the thing you got in return??
    Let him know about her morals and also how much respect she has for your marriage. Especially when Graham has never done anything to harm your relation.I want your Husband to take strict action against her and make sure your feelings and love towards mark is not taken for granted otherwise its just the beginning and she will continue. Let your Husband know that you don’t want any contact in any form with her and to protect your feelings is his duty.
    This is happening because you took her earlier e-mail and his trip lightly but let him know you won’t do the same mistake ever!!

  5. Also remind him that when you simply walked in while they were skyping, she turned crazy and insisted him to divorce you when practically all days are yours and even though that just happened unintentionally but now his so lovely wife has done all that intentionally. So how it should be taken??
    But please don’t let it go easily and make your husband understand your hurt through this and let her pay the price of every bit of that.
    Now after finding it difficult to hurt your relation from Mark’s side anymore, her focus has been shifted to you. Now along with your relation she wants to hurt you too.
    Thank your in-laws for not opting her as daughter in law otherwise this manipulative stupid female would have started with her tricks on them too!!

  6. Do you really think I should show Mark the message? I haven’t decided. I don’t want any more drama. Maybe better just forget about it. But I would want him to see her clearly for what she is!

  7. I think that’s the another mistake you are going to commit and can later prove as a threat to your relation. Mark thinks He needs to protect only her feelings because she is the only one suffering. You yourself know that now he doesn’t hides his feelings for her anymore from you whereas take your feelings for granted. And how can you just let go these photographs and i can bet if you would take it lightly, she will continue doing all this and a time will come that you won’t be able to control yourself anymore.Show him the photographs and let him imagine how he would have felt if it would have been him seeing you with graham.
    Please don’t commit another mistake by letting it go easily, let him know about it all, question him how should you take it, and make her pay every bit of your hurt otherwise your silence will encourage her further to do all that!!
    It will also give you a glimpse of what mark thinks of your pain and how much respect he has for your relationship. Make sure she doesn’t contact you anymore.
    PLEASE DON’T LET IT GO!!
    PLEASE if you will let it go it won’t stop here and who knows What’s her target is??
    It won’t be a drama but a realistic view of her approach to destroy your trust on each other and your relationship.
    I hate abusers but those who let them abuse even more, don’t fall in that category!!!

  8. And tell me one thing If you people will start hiding your feelings about each other about your relationship too then what else would be left to sustain your relationship. Her interference you should not tolerate at any cost if not for yourself then for your relationship. And don’t you think it must be clear to him that how is she as a person?? And who knows how your silence would be taken by her??
    Don’t be overconfident about your relationship with Mark because you also know behind choosing to stay with you there are other reasons too. He never offered her divorce for your sake even when you cut yourself or your relationship because you were taken for granted.And who knows when whose feelings can change and also due to what reasons. By allowing this you will not only prove that your feelings can be taken as granted but your relationship too because she will feel free to interfere.
    Don’t forget blue print only leads to a strong solid structure and her involvement can develop constrain for your relationship too. It could be a trailer of movie she has picturised about your relationship!!
    I swear I am not suggesting this out of bitterness for her but out of concern for your relationship!!
    Every seed you grow today will develop into something later……
    Either act now or regret later and this time for what you have done to your relationship’s worth!!!

  9. You’re right. I have to tell him. No more secrets. *sigh* Thanks for telling me off Successfull! πŸ˜‰

  10. Fiona,

    What you’ve often done on your blog is use examples of your own double marriage to make a point. I think you should look at this situation from that angle, as far as deciding whether to tell Mark and show him the email/photos. If Graham had taken pictures of you and sent them to Mark, how would you take that? Would you feel a boundary had been violated? Would you have wanted Mark to tell you? Would you feel privacy had been violated if Graham had shared with Mark things that you told him in privacy and expected would remain between you both?

    I would think this is definitely a boundary/privacy issue, and my personal thoughts are that if such issues are not managed right away with all involved parties, the boundaries and privacy will only continue to be blurred. However I think in your particular situation you will find the best guidance looking at it from your usual perspective as a wife with two husbands.

  11. Yes, this is about privacy and integrity. It’s also about respect, and lack of it. I feel I must be allowed to protect my integrity, and the integrity of my marriages. I will talk to Mark. I’m just tired of feeding her the drama she obviously needs to feel important. I wish I could ignore her, but she keeps disrespecting me and is stupid enough not to understand that in doing so she also disrespects Mark. I need to calm down a bit though. I really don’t want to throw the message down in front of Mark and hiss “Go control your hussy”, so I’d better wait until I can approach this matter with some kind of dignity. 😦 Thanks jamylah!

  12. Hi Fiona,
    You’ve gotten some rather different responses to what I think we can all agree must have been an infuriating position to be put on. I kind of agree with Jamylah, but I’m a little more extreme. Trying to put myself and my own outlook in your shoes, this is what I envision.

    Don’t respond right away, not until you have a clear plan, and you are behind your own plan. Don’t discuss this with Mark. Mark established a relationship with this woman without your consent. You have every right to make unilateral decisions about your relationship with her also. If you talk to Mark, all you will do is involve his emotions, and then hers, and then yours, and it will never end. And that is what she wants.

    Get revenge. After you have calmed down, find an online website to publish her pictures and other mailings, with her name, but no locale. (i.e, a facebook page, yours or someone else’s, or make one.) Then, send her an email and say something to this effect:

    ‘Thank you so much for your thoughtful missive. Your text and pictures gave me so much pleasure, I felt I needed to share them. Here is the website where they can be accessed…. If you wish to send me more, I’d be more than happy to share them too. Unfortunately I’m so overwhelmed with email right now, that I’ve needed to block your email address, and so will be sorry not to be able to receive more.’

    Then, block her email address. And don’t discuss it with Mark. If he brings it up, let him know that your relationship with her is your perogative, just as his is. And everytime she invades your life, find a way to back her out. She is Mark’s wife, not yours.

    Let us know what happens. And take care Fiona, you know that we are all behind you.

  13. omg, absolutely you must show him this message!! please show him asap!! put yourself in his shoes….would you want to know if graham sent this kind of message to your first husband??!! please dont suffer silently…show him!! let him handle it his way….just put it on him and put it out of your mind. that little bitch!! UGH!

  14. Oh yes, it’s clearly disrespectful what she did. I don’t think anyone could argue otherwise lol.

    Of course there’s always the other option of asking her to send you more pics of herself in various naked poses, telling her that they make a great addition to your facebook page that is devoted strictly to her lmao.

  15. Hi Fiona

    I’m so shocked. She’s so desperate. But I think you should show your husband, not to create drama but to show what you are facing cause he is the only person who can stop this. It is not fair on you or him. You were so nice about him going away, it’s about time you showed him the reality of the situation.

  16. I see both pros and cons in divulging #2’s stunt to Mark. Having had similar interractions from my ex cowife. It depends a lot on what you think/hope Mark will do about it. What I mean is, when I went to my husband with proof of #2’s viciousness, I think in good part my motivation was to prove to him that she is a total and complete bitch and open his eyes. He would then realize this woman is not worthy of his time, let alone love, and he would drop her like a hot potato. While ultimately that did happen, it was a long time of her abuse before he woke up. And it was so frustrating listening to him making stupid excuses for her. And of course her denying even with the proof right there, and then her trying to turn it around saying I had provoked her….when I hadn’t spoken to that twat in weeks. Still, absolutely you need to show Mark

  17. Sorry I got cut off….yes, show Mark and inform him this shit stops here and now. But I don’t want you to feel too upset if Mark just blows it off because there is a good chance he will. “She is going through a tough time” “she’s young” and so forth.

  18. Personally I would send those compromising pictures directly to her family. Mark’s child bride shouldn’t have Fiona’s e-mail address at all.

  19. @ Fiona!
    Well I want to talk to you in private and also ask you a question.
    How can I approach you??

  20. Fiona, I’m the lone naysayer. As for having secrets, too late. That’s polygamy. The more you acknowledge her existence, the more real it becomes in her eyes. The peace you have with Graham just seems to complement the woman you have become. Your previous post about your husband illustrates that even he knows it will never be the same be tween the two of you. More drama and crises will bring this situation to an ugly head ad a faster pace. Consider your ultimate desire before you act.

  21. Hi J – I’ve missed you! πŸ™‚ Yes, I need to find ways to stay clear of drama. But I need to find a way to live with Mark IN HONESTY. I can’t live deception, games and subterfuge. it’s not me, and I refuse to make it my life. 😦

  22. Why do you put up with a man whose actions (him having another wife who is openly hostile to you) hurt you, its not only her fault. Its his fault to an extent too. Just find a lover, seriously! Liberate yourself, although I do not believe in monogamy. I feel your husband has a right to stop her from acting up so ridiculously, if he’s the man (supposedly so in charge in his religious context) then why can’t he control her? Do you think he enjoys the possible cat fights between the two of you? Again, stop blaming other women no matter how stupid or ignorant they are; its his fault and deep down you know it too. Polygamy should be beautiful in which all both openly respect and love each other. The polygamy you describe is one of utter suffering and hate. I don’t understand how you put up with him, I would do unimaginable things if I met that pig.

  23. In the end, more power to you, if you feel that this is not a total intrusion of love and trust. I cannot imagine such a life, the two of you females just bicker and feel hurt, she is hurting you are hurting. And he? He probably finds it funny and says its the ‘female hormones’ or some other such nonsense. I am truly no one to judge your choices, but if it was me, I would be dying. I really hope you are this strong, if not I hope that you do realize your strength in the future,

    I love you. I wish that you may find true love. In my rituals, I will pray for all blind women.

  24. Hi! I’m curious, what ever happened with this, Fiona? Did you tell him and how did he react? Any more from her?

  25. Please understand that Islam and what muslims do and say are two separate things. Lying is never permitted, just read the Quran and you will see what God thinks about liars. It is also not permitted to hurt anyone, or risk your marriage being destroyed, so I honestly believe what these men are doing (who take other wives when their first wife is not okay with that) are sinning.

    Of course it is not permissible for a man to marry a second wife without telling the first; the children have the right to know their lineage – and obviously potential siblings, otherwise they may end up marrying each other if no one tells them they are relatives!- so to hide that information from the first wife is just not logical because it would be difficult telling the children they have other siblings and at the same time hide it from their mother… So it is totally against Islam. Anyone who says different is stupid…

    Trust me, they will be held accountable for their deeds.

  26. Hi Zara, thanks for your input!
    Of course, many muslims just like non-muslims believe it’s unacceptable to lie. However, if you turn to islamic literature, fatwas or online resources you will find that lies are deemed permissible if they e.g. help a muslim against non-muslims or if they save peace in a marriage. You will also find that even the worst lies can be absolved by a small fine.

    As far as a man being obliged to inform his first wife if he marries a second I would say again that many muslims, just like non-muslims, find it abominable that a man be allowed to marry a second without telling his first. However, this does not change the fact that NO islamic sources claim that a man is under obligation to inform, let alone seek consent, from his first wife before he marries again. Sorry.

    This is why it bugs me that moderate muslims who acknowledge human rights don’t start some kind of ethical revolution to reform the interpretations of islam.

  27. Hi Ilder!

    Good q! I have always had as little contact with her as possible. So no, not in so many words.

  28. fiona i slightly disagree with you here.
    (These are disgusting rules that go against all natural ethics, but they have been invented by men to give power to men and to enable men to dominate women and sleep around.)
    i think men have always been powerful or dominant so to speak through out history. because they were the one’s fighting, waging wars on each other and looting and plundering each other off their wealth. women were dependent on men (correct me if i am wrong) and had less relevance in society and it was same in Eurpoe (my guess), i don’t know what else they were doing except breeding (it may sound preposterous, so pardon me :D) because surely there were no offices for them to work in. they were not fighting in wars too. only thing they could do is farming etc. and men would do better in that field too. so they were dominating women every where.

    But now the dynamics of society have changed. and women are independent after industrial revolution. even having theme of gender equality, may be after World War 3 (Nuclear holocaust expected) we will go back to same era where the men will have more say in society. (i do not wish it, but i guess that’s how the world works)

  29. Women in pre-history were hunters and warriors too. However, childbirth and rearing meant that they had periods of other occupations. Strange though that waging war should be deemed more courageous than giving birth? The view that war adds more to society than giving birth is a tainted misogynist view and if we go back to the stone age again that view might have changed. Especially if women keep guns πŸ˜‰

  30. it is not matter of courage fiona. both men and women are courageous in their own ways πŸ˜‰ . my point is, main source of income for people was booty of war atleast in our part of the world. people of afghanistan and arabia were warriors, they invaded india for 1000 years and plundered it’s wealth. though women have been warriors in history but they were very few.

    Fiona i believe in gender equality but can you give me a reason why men were able to dominate women (only reason i have is in case of conflict between genders their will be survival of fittest)? in your part of the world i think men have supported women in their struggle for equality is that right?

  31. The main source of income is a growing tribe. Hence rules to force women to have many children, by making it allright to rape your wife and making it a religious obligation to have sex and have children. As to Spencer and the survival of the fittest, there would be no survival without women. Nowadays however, there can be survival without men πŸ™‚
    Most gender scientists today agree that in pre historic time, there was probably no gender discrimination. The gathering of foods and the preparation of food, tools and other chores were as essential as the hunt. The fact that sex and men were involved in the begetting of children was probably only understood in part, and it wasn’t really important who fathered what child, because everything was owned by the tribe. Discrimination probably came with the concept of private ownership, probably around the same time when man stopped being a nomad. This is also when it became important for a man to know what children he has fathered, so he can make sure his own children will benefit from his work, and inherit his estate. How could men know for sure what children were theirs? By enslaving, dominating and imprisoning their women. And so they did, simply because they could. Men are physically stronger. But of course, they knew that this was wrong. Man has always had an innate sense of ethics. So they needed to invent an excuse for this inexcusable act. And this is where religion enters the story… Yes, many men have supported the struggle for equality, because many men know they will benefit from allowing all people to be free. Many men however are still small in mind, and afraid, and stuck in the ancient tale of male superiority.

  32. Great discussion Saad and Fiona. The fact is that all the hunters, warriors, soldiers, farmers are brought into this world by women. There are no short cuts to that, it takes a woman to carry that child in her womb for 9 months and the maternal instinct to protect and rear the child with loving care. All the patriarchal rules are invented to keep the focus of a woman on this very important activity i.e. child bearing and rearing and allowed her to do the labor that doesn’t generate money so she remains dependent on men and can keep giving them offsprings. Giving birth to children especially male child raises her status in society. In many cultures the only people she has power on are other women i.e. daughter-in-laws and she makes sure that DIL does exactly what she had to do. All the rules are invented to make sure that she focuses mainly on these roles but at the same time she doesn’t have a right on her children. This shows most precious things are offsprings (like Fiona said this is what made a tribe powerful). The men made sure that they have the rights on children hence the rules that children get their fathers name. Muslim religion goes to extremes to do this i.e. All children go to father in case of divorce once their mother completes her role of child rearing and the children are about to become an asset than a liability.

  33. Fiona and Laila!
    you both have more experience of life than me and you understand society better so i can’t help but agree with you. one thing i wanted to ask was.

    What you people think in case of divorce where should the children go? to mother or father?

    Laila, since you are from sub continent. is there any eastern value you are proud off?
    my perception is we people have less divorce rate than west.

  34. Saad, great questions. Yes, I am proud of some values in our culture but more I think about those more I realize that many of those values come at the expense of woman rights. Traditionally low divorce rates were mainly because women did not have this option. They were conditioned that after marriage they have to make it work for the sake of family honor and women did not have financial means to be able to make their own decision. This is not true for now. Large majority of women in my society are now more vocal and their parents are more aware and willing to support them in cases of abuse by husband or inlaws. Women also work and are able to support themselves so divorce rates are increasing. There is still a lot of cultural pressure on women and now also on men too to make the marriage work. Divorce is still taboo especially for women. Now more women have a say in their marriage so divorced men too are likely to have a lot if difficulty with remarriage unless they are crazy rich or live in a western country. Our culture also have this disease called “what will people say “. So divorce is generally not considered an option by many.
    Values like kids taking care of their parents in old age and parents supporting full time education and paying all your bills until you get a real job sounds great too. Also the grandparents helping raise kids is another good value we have. Now behind all these good values there is a patriarchial system that values male child more to ensure the parents will be supported in their old age. This expectation of parents increases a lot when our system encourages them to not have a life but just work and support their kids education, marriage expenses and all. They in return expect a submissive daughter in law who will take care if the household so that mother in law can retire from that job and the cycle goes on. So I am proud of some values in our culture but I am not supportive of the system that is used to bring those values.

  35. Saad, I like western system of child custody and divorce laws. Children need both father and mother in their life. Our society has a long way to get their where step parents, step sis bros are normal relationships. In our countries men would not like to see their ex wives with another man. Here I have seen they sometime drop and pick up their children while other couple is happily together. They have same emotions but there is a system and laws that encourage to be civil with each other for the sake of kids. Do all people follow laws No but it’s better than not having any laws or having them but not enforcing because of culture.

  36. Agreed and in our part of the world children are conditioned to live with their parents , to take care of them when they are old. and i think in west children want independence from their parents(not saying it is good or bad just a cultural thing and in many cases our culture sucks too).
    So coming from a South Asian background i have always wondered that, when western people/parents grow old i mean really old, how their life turn out to be when they need and miss their children and children are too busy in their own lives. i think in this case institution of family,if strong, helps a lot. and you don’t need old homes to take care of your parents.

  37. “It’s my experience too that second wives believe that their men will eventually leave their first wives. It’s natural.”

    And what seems to happen to sweet, young, second wife after a couple of years and children is that when husband goes out to get wife #3 – much younger, much sweeter! – they are more devastated than #1 was upon her arrival. It stuns me how these second wives do not seem to do the math. Or they believe their awesomeness will change their partner’s old ways. Only a very vain or very unintelligent person thinks this way πŸ™‚

  38. @ Saad For thousands of years, the dominant social system was matriarchy pretty much the world over, we know from relics. Patriarchy is actually younger and will still have to stand the test of time whether it will be able to outlive matriarchy. The dominant monotheistic religions may help.

  39. I cannot find the post for the following day. What happened? What did you tell your husband? Did he raise the topic with the girl? I know it has been some time since this post. I am curious, still. If you do not mind sharing, I would be happy to hear how the story went on!

  40. He talked to her. I told him I had the pics, and could post them to my fb wall. πŸ™‚ He didn’t want that!

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