Polygamy means there is never only one marriage in the family, there are at least two. In islamic polygamy, these marriages are to be kept separate. The spouses have a right to separate housing and separate economies and usually wives choose to have as little to do with each other as possible since interaction almost inevitably leads to jealousy, envy and fitna. So the polygamous spouse must juggle two different marriages, two separate families, two different lives. Most of the time, the best way to handle this is by becoming schizophrenic. By being two different people living two halves of a life you can save your spouses from unnecessary hurt. But it also inflicts hurt. The polygamous spouse hurts because he or she can not talk about all of his or her life freely and unguardedly with both his or her spouses. The spouses are hurt by being excluded from a major part of their spouse’s life.
I know of course when something is going on between my first husband and his #2. I know because of the way he becomes fidgety, by his look, by his frequent checking the e-mail and so on. But I can’t ask. And I can’t help. I know he avoids talking about it as much for her sake as for mine, and this in itself is hurtful. He is protecting her privacy, protecting her from me and I hate it. I just hope that by not fighting this, I make him extend me the same courtesy.
Right now there are major things going on between my first husband and his #2. He said he would tell her he will never divorce me, she will never be able to come to the UK as his wife. And he said he will tell her he can never father a child. These things will have a huge impact on my life too of course, but I can’t talk to him about it, I can’t ask him what is going on.
Last night on Skype he looked really sad and tired. He said a week passes really quickly and he is looking forward to going home but also feeling really awful about leaving #2. I appreciate his honesty even if that hurt… I wanted to ask him about what has been said, but I can’t. And he can’t tell me. We just looked at each other with pain in our eyes..
And then there was a knocking and he said it was #2 who had been taking a shower and he had told her he needed to talk to me to let me know he’s ok, and he had asked her to knock before coming out in the room so he could end his call with me, to save us all from embarrassment. Oh dear, how absurd is that? We ended the call on that note.
I want him to come home now. I want to know what’s going to happen with my life.