Should I Avoid becoming Pregnant when my Husband has become Polygamous? Q&A

5758f-moveQuestion: Hello Fiona! I read your blog every day but I have not write before. I have finded so much here and help me cope with situation. My husband marry again will soon be six month ago. I did not know this before he tell me he be gone a week with new wife after nika. You know the pain and the sick you get so I don’t must tell you. It has been terrible for me to live since then. I have not divorce because my husband say no but my sister tell me because I am so sick and can not get better feeling with polygamy and lose my hair and much weight and am sick all the time from sadness I can get khul from court. I have not decide yet what do. I hate polygamy Fiona. Is very disgusting and husband is disgusting. Maybe will be better but is not better now I have tride make better and pray much and try not think what husband do and with her but I hurt so much. My husband want relations with me often and is difficult for me because of the hurt. I am also afraid of pregnancy. I have not children but is my dream to have children me and husband only be married 14 months and I wanted children. But now I not know if I want pregnant with him because of polygamy. Maybe better divorce? I not want children with polygamy I know it is the baddest thing for children to have father with no money and no time for them and so is polygamy. And I do not want pregnant divorce. But is haram to use things to not get pregnant without yes from husband. I want time to think and decide my life but husband often wants relations. What should I do Fiona? Should I refuse relations or use things against to be pregnant without to tell  husband or should ask divorce? Thank you Fiona.

Answer: Yes, I know the pain. Yes, I know about being sick, sick to the core of your being. I am sorry this is happening to you.

If you are disgusted by your husband, of course you shouldn’t have sexual relations with him. Tell him he disgusts you and you can’t bring yourself to touch him because it makes you sick just thinking about it. He must know and face the consequences of his actions. There are men who believe they can become polygamous without losing anything. They believe women must learn to share and be happy about it and they will just gain more sex, more love, more service et.c. It’s important you show your husband that you can never choose polygamy without losing things. E.g. the love of your first wife. Or all of her. Let him know how you feel. Do it calmly and politely. Sit down, look him in the eye and calmly tell him that he makes you sick. That you find him disgusting and despicable and that his touch makes you want to vomit. He needs to know.

Should you divorce? Well, can you? Do you have money, somewhere to stay? If you do, I believe  that yes, you should divorce. Your husband sounds like the worst kind of muslim polygamist, the kind that doesn’t ask his wife’s permission to become polygamous, the kind that doesn’t let her have a say at all, but expects her to suck it up when she is presented with the fact. So yes, I believe you must divorce him if you can.

You should definitely not become pregnant by him! No! No child should have such a father! Think about your child’s future. What kind of father would you want for it? Please, your husband has no right to have a child by you, he gave up that right when he married a second. And with you having been married for such a short time! He sounds like the typical muslim polygamist who believes women are to be forced to obey their husbands and submit to their husbands. You shouldn’t allow that. And if you decide you can’t live polygamy, leaving your husband will be so much harder if you have a child. Please, you are still young (must be if you have only been married for such a short time I figure) – give yourself the opportunity to love and be loved by somebody who respects you, somebody who will cherish you and your children! Not somebody who breaks your heart and deceives you, abandons you to go and have sexual relations (and babies!) with another woman.

So get yourself some contraceptives while you’re making your mind up. And when you have summed up enough courage – leave the SOB!

Good luck!

17 thoughts on “Should I Avoid becoming Pregnant when my Husband has become Polygamous? Q&A

  1. Children are love. You have children to create a future and to share your love. You can not have children with somebody who believes he can force you to share him with another. And there is no future with somebody who destroyed your future and your common future. And you can not rob your children of a father who will love them always, invest his time and love in them always and protect them always only to give them a father who will love them if he does not love his children by other wives more and invest maybe half maybe 25 percent of his love and time in them and protect them only if he happens to be around.

  2. Whether or not you want to leave him or will be able to leave him, please for the time being do whatever you can to not get pregnant by this man. If you have his child, you will be stuck with him for life, married or not, and your children might end up being given to him when they are older, and believe me…that’s not something you want to go through. It is not haram to prevent pregnancy, it is YOUR body. Your husband wouldn’t have to know as there are many methods that you can use secretly. Patches, IUDs, pills, shots, etc.

    I’m sorry to the questioner and to every woman dealing with this situation 😦

  3. Thank you undertheabaya for some good solid advice. I agree. And the children should be the focal point when decisions like these must be made.

  4. Please sister dont allow any more children to suffer with polygamous fathers. If you want to stay it is only for you and Allah to decide but I know what it means to grow up with a polygamous father and a suffering mother and I ask you not to make that happen. I will pray for you.

  5. Allah has commanded you to be the peaceful haven for your husband. You knew that when you married him didn’t you? And you promised to obey him and respect his leadership and in return he must take care of you. Has he given you food? Has he given you a home? Has he delt justly and kindly with you? Then who are you to break your promise of obedience to him? And who are you to dislike that which Allah swt has made permissible to men? You are going down a dangerous path. Waaneeboo ila rabbikum waaslimoo lahu min qabli an ya tiyakumu alAAathabu thumma la tunsaroona Beware or he will divorce you!

  6. I am sorry Umm Fem, but your post makes me sad and not a little bit angry. Is this how you help and support a woman in need who is miserable and desperate? Can’t you find it in your heart to be charitable? And I must say, I don’t find trading some food and a roof over my head a fair bargain in exchange for total obedience, sexual slavery and being a round the clock maid. And – having to watch while your husband falls in love with another woman, knowing he is having sex with her, making babies with her on time he could have spent with you and your children… And the beware comment confounds me. SHE is thinking about a divorce, not he…

  7. Salaams Fiona and all you who visit.
    I do not know if it is ok to post links and to post a link that is not directly to do with the topic. But have you seen this: http://www.sistersinislam.org.my/news.php?item.679.7 It shows that you are right Fiona about men and polygyny. Islam is beautiful but men are not perfect and wish to interpret things that give them rights that women do not have.

  8. Dear sister

    I understand this must be very painful and confusing. But have you stopped to think about your husband’s new wife? Maybe she was poor and lonely maybe he saved her from a hard life? And she loves your husband too. By sharing your husband you can help a sister to a better life where she is loved and cared for and where she can have children who will be loved and cared for. Don’t you want that for every good woman? Maybe your husband married her for the right reasons and took on a heavy burden of providing for another human being to give somebody a better life with love and a home. If you threaten divorce you might force your husband to leave his new wife. What will become of her then? I don’t know where you live but in many countries a divorced woman is shunned. Do you want her to lose her husband and her new life and maybe end up poor and lonely? Isn’t the wonderful gift of sharing your husband rewarding when you consider how much reward must be in it for you to give a person all that? I do understand the pain. But she is a person too. A woman who loves and need her husband and yours.

  9. LonelySecond, I understand that you are hurt by the number of people on this blog who seem to reduce a second (or third or fourth) wife to the role of marital intruder. It’s not pleasant reading comments that demean and generalize people that happen to be in your position. I wonder, though, do you have a third or fourth wife in your marriage? Have you suddenly had your time with your husband reduced by half (or more) because he married again after he married you? If so, what did that make you feel like?

    I like to think I am a fairly open-minded person in most aspects of life, but as someone who was bullied and pushed around in childhood, I absolutely hate it when someone else tells me to “think of the other person.” I can be compassionate. I can be understanding even when I don’t agree. But telling someone “stop thinking about the pain you’re in and be nice to one of the people who just hurt you” is a nasty, painful thing to do to that person. Trying to salve your own pain by dismissing another’s pain is a rather reprehensible thing to do in any circumstance.

    I have friends who are in happy polyamorous relationships because they work hard at finding a balance between all their partners and themselves. They try to step into these relationships acknowledging up front (and before anything starts) what the rules are. The kicker is, none of these people are muslim. They are just poly. And if one of them caused this kind of pain to another in their circle, there would be consequences, regrets, and breaking off of relationships. But none of them would ever tell their other partners what you just told this other woman.

    Seeking sympathy for your agony is one thing. Perpetuating the worldview that another person doesn’t have the right to her heartache because someone else hurts too just goes too far over the line.

  10. The other “wife” is not her problem. And how exactly is he helping out this woman if, from the legitimate wife’s own words, he is not financially able to afford this? (“father with no money”) All he’s doing is sinking all three of them into poverty.
    “Do you want her to lose her husband and her new life and maybe end up poor and lonely? ”
    She’s already going to be both poor and lonely as it is. Whether she loves this woman’s husband has nothing to do with her. If that was the case, Angelina Jolie would be obligated to share Brad Pitt with millions of women.
    There are plenty of single men in the world she could have hitched her wagon to. The ONLY person with legitimate claims on this trash is his actual wife, not mistress.

  11. Divorce the sucker. He has made a mockery of your relationship and shown his heart clearly is not full of you. 14 months of marriage only? Sounds like there will be a third once the honeymoon period with this next ‘wife’ is over with. This man is not a real man. Instead of accepting that a marriage is not the same later as it is in the beginning, he decided to just get a new wife! He does not deserve you.
    Remember, it is not him you answer to at the end, it is Allah. He did not give you life for you to spend it in a miserable living death. He wants happiness for you and it is very unlikely this man will be able to provide it for you.
    As to preventing pregnancy, definitely do not have relations with him until you are decided in what direction to take your life. If you choose to have intimacy but don’t want to be pregnant, use a birth control method. You do not need his permission. Only Allah can decide when a life comes into this world. If you are on birth control – with or without that man’s permission – and thus do not get pregnant, that is because it is Allah’s will.

  12. Silly heifer should have thought of that before she tried to break up a family.
    May you always be as lonely, despised, and miserable as you are now.

  13. Hello CatinShadow and welcome. I wholeheartedly agree, and if anybody had dared tell me when I was hurting the most that I must consider the pain of the woman who hurt me, I would have been utterly disgusted. Thank you for posting//F

  14. I must admit, the thought of subsequent marriages occurred to me too when I heard that they had only been married 14 months. 😦 I like it when you say that Allah would not want the OP to lead a miserable life. I don’t think so either. It must be allowed to look for some happiness in life, and even more so to look for happiness for your children.

  15. Thanks for the link! Very interesting! Sadly, the misogynist interpretation is deeply established within the muslim community, I believe there is very little chance for a voice of reason to get through…

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