Question: Hello Fiona! I read your blog every day but I have not write before. I have finded so much here and help me cope with situation. My husband marry again will soon be six month ago. I did not know this before he tell me he be gone a week with new wife after nika. You know the pain and the sick you get so I don’t must tell you. It has been terrible for me to live since then. I have not divorce because my husband say no but my sister tell me because I am so sick and can not get better feeling with polygamy and lose my hair and much weight and am sick all the time from sadness I can get khul from court. I have not decide yet what do. I hate polygamy Fiona. Is very disgusting and husband is disgusting. Maybe will be better but is not better now I have tride make better and pray much and try not think what husband do and with her but I hurt so much. My husband want relations with me often and is difficult for me because of the hurt. I am also afraid of pregnancy. I have not children but is my dream to have children me and husband only be married 14 months and I wanted children. But now I not know if I want pregnant with him because of polygamy. Maybe better divorce? I not want children with polygamy I know it is the baddest thing for children to have father with no money and no time for them and so is polygamy. And I do not want pregnant divorce. But is haram to use things to not get pregnant without yes from husband. I want time to think and decide my life but husband often wants relations. What should I do Fiona? Should I refuse relations or use things against to be pregnant without to tell husband or should ask divorce? Thank you Fiona.
Answer: Yes, I know the pain. Yes, I know about being sick, sick to the core of your being. I am sorry this is happening to you.
If you are disgusted by your husband, of course you shouldn’t have sexual relations with him. Tell him he disgusts you and you can’t bring yourself to touch him because it makes you sick just thinking about it. He must know and face the consequences of his actions. There are men who believe they can become polygamous without losing anything. They believe women must learn to share and be happy about it and they will just gain more sex, more love, more service et.c. It’s important you show your husband that you can never choose polygamy without losing things. E.g. the love of your first wife. Or all of her. Let him know how you feel. Do it calmly and politely. Sit down, look him in the eye and calmly tell him that he makes you sick. That you find him disgusting and despicable and that his touch makes you want to vomit. He needs to know.
Should you divorce? Well, can you? Do you have money, somewhere to stay? If you do, I believe that yes, you should divorce. Your husband sounds like the worst kind of muslim polygamist, the kind that doesn’t ask his wife’s permission to become polygamous, the kind that doesn’t let her have a say at all, but expects her to suck it up when she is presented with the fact. So yes, I believe you must divorce him if you can.
You should definitely not become pregnant by him! No! No child should have such a father! Think about your child’s future. What kind of father would you want for it? Please, your husband has no right to have a child by you, he gave up that right when he married a second. And with you having been married for such a short time! He sounds like the typical muslim polygamist who believes women are to be forced to obey their husbands and submit to their husbands. You shouldn’t allow that. And if you decide you can’t live polygamy, leaving your husband will be so much harder if you have a child. Please, you are still young (must be if you have only been married for such a short time I figure) – give yourself the opportunity to love and be loved by somebody who respects you, somebody who will cherish you and your children! Not somebody who breaks your heart and deceives you, abandons you to go and have sexual relations (and babies!) with another woman.
So get yourself some contraceptives while you’re making your mind up. And when you have summed up enough courage – leave the SOB!