A man turned to another blog to ask for advice about getting polygamous. Since I can not post an answer there, I’ll post the question and my answer here, since this is a post that needs a sane answer:
Assalamu alaikum wrwb,
Well, here it goes: i understand that the best and allowable way to approach a woman in order to judge her, wether she would be suitable to be someone’s wife or not is the “ta”aruf” thing, in which we didn’t physically and directly approach her, instead we use messaging (in modern time includes e-mail, social networks, phone calls, etc), and when we do visit her, we better have her parents in house and someone muhrim to accompany us.
The question is, what would be the best way to approach, to get to know really honest and deeper, any woman a man predict hypothetically to be suitable to be his next wife?
And than, correlates to the above question, should a man hide or openly expose his approaching to new woman to his present wife(ves)?
Lastly, my wife has been quite busy and her english’s not quite good. To complicate matter further, when i married her, she had already been widowed, after her previous husband committed adultery/fornication twice, each ended with he and the impregnated women offer polygamy to her devastated self. Her grandpa once committed polygamy without informing his wife (my wife’s grandma), and left her and the family in-adequately sustained, or maybe even barely at all. Then her uncle in law had affair with a woman who turned out to simply blackmailing this uncle using her body. The uncle offered polygamy to her auntie, after everything sinful happened, not before, and she rejected.
It traumatized her, and shapes her view over polygamy, in the wrong way it seems, but in her un-conscious mind, because in the surface, she always talk objectively over polygamy.
And i had, in the past, hurt her physically several times. Untill the two families met, her and mine, and believe or not, Alhamdulillah Allahu Akbar, we settle it in peace, in which we gather together as one family, not lawsuit etc, no penalties…simply return to love each other again, and we all become better persons, hopefully. The children were so happy etc. Nobody hold any grudge.
But, because of all that, she became quite jealous and suspicious. Even knowing my intention to get to know other woman, without even realizing it yet, drove her mad and sad. Sometimes she said that she worries about the fate of the would-be-next-wife, whoever she might be (Allahu alam bisshawab)…sometime she said she is not good enough for polygamy and neither am i, and yet she has been struggling and openly claim her intention in doing so, which is to make me a better person.
Won’t a good person do her/his Lord’s bidding?
I’m still studying religion and life myself, but i just want her to open herself and study too, that like God says in one of the ayah “…sometimes you despise something that is actually good/beneficial for yourselves, while take to liking things that actually despicable for you”; that things like that happen in life, exist in religion, and we have to open heartedly face and study them.
So, what would be the best way to bring her to this site/forum: (? Not to mention to ask her to study polygamy in islam as explained by the ulama’s/sholars. Maybe i can read the works/essays of those ulama’s for her, but insyaAllah this site/forum will help a lot. Since this is the gathering place of many good&kind muslimah’s/ukhtie’s.
As far as i know, in islam God allows men to lawfully marry another woman without having to ask the consent of his previous wife/ves, but the prophet and his companion gave example that if he really loves her/them, he may consult it with his previous wife/ves, since (provided they had married on good cause, because of God) the wife/ves is/are the closest person(s) to him on earth, and so the one(s) who know him the best. Is it wrong if intend to tell my wife? Or what part best be told and which isn’t?
I’m sorry for my raving. Pray for Allah’s blessing for all of you. Stay true, stay strong.
How can you really get to know a woman and find out if she is a suitable wife? By talking to her I’d say. Talk about everything that matters to you and to her. Discuss the difficult things and the good things. Be honest. Marriage must be based on honesty and trust, and you can’t have one without the other!
This of course applies to your first marriage too. What kind of man are you? A liar, a coward and a cheat, or an honest upright person? You must be honest to your wife. You must be open and direct. You must also give her the option to leave. You must also regard the hadith “Love for your brother that which you love for yourself”. Look at your wife, the mother of your children. What do you want for her? Love, trust, security, attention and friendship? Or jealousy, pain suffering loss of trust and loss of half the rest of her life with a husband? It’s for you to decide… Whatever you gain – you take from her! And would you be willing to share her with another man? If not – you have no right to ask her to share you. If you do, you are a hypocrite and you’ll go to hell.
Won’t a good person do the lords bidding? Well, polygamy is an option not a recommendation. The lord’s bidding is never to do to another what you would not have them do to you. So will you do the lord’s bidding?? Are you doing what you would love to have done unto you????????
If you see your wife is sad, hurting – why are you doing this to her? Are you the best husband to your wife if you are willing to cause her such hurt, especially since you have hurt her badly before? What do you think would render you the best reward with the lord – hurting your wife, taking half her husband away, causing her irrevocable harm and suffering, or applying yourself to be the best possible husband to the wife you already have, the best possible father to your children instead of an absent father living polygamy?
Do I understand you correctly that you have been physically abusive to your wife? If so – how can you possibly contemplate killing her heart and soul too by giving yourself to another woman? Are you some kind of psychopath? If so – you shouldn’t be married at all! At least – you should devote your life to making it up to your wife and your family – not to hurting them all over again in this awful way!
You should also bring your wife to this website, not to a blog full of warped, sick and abusive reverts who consider it righteous to rape children, impregnate children, rape and beat your wife – what kind of advice do you think she’ll get from them??
You might as well ask Joseph Fritzl for advice on how to be a good father and husband!