My Husband is Thinking of Her – Polygamy Pain

S%C3%A9pulcre_Arc-en-Barrois_111008_12My husband is buying gifts to bring to Oman.

I found a whole pile of little bags in the wardrobe, her favorite scents, shortbread, trinkets… Thoughtful things, not expensive.

Thing is, the thoughtful aspect is harder to take than the money. I don’t really care about money. If it would help, I would gladly buy her off. Hey, there’s an idea! πŸ˜‰

No, what hurts is that he is thinking about her, wanting to make her happy, enjoying the thought of surprising her with sweet and lovely gifts. I wanted to take the bags and throw them in the garbage! 😦

Well well. I’ll try to close my eyes and think of England.

And my first husband is so happy. He looks like a boy who is going on his first date – full of anticipation and fervor.

He still doesn’t see my pain. He doesn’t really see me right now.

My husband is thinking about his other wife.

I have to let go now, I can’t wait until the plane leaves.

My husband is thinking about his other wife.

25 thoughts on “My Husband is Thinking of Her – Polygamy Pain

  1. I’m not that strong. Right now, I feel small and afraid. I wish I could be strong. But I’m not. But at least I’m trying to act strong. This time, I hope I’ll manage to at least appear strong. When he leaves, I can shut myself up in our house and fall to pieces…

  2. Some posts you write make my heart hurt – this is one of them. How does one find a total state of zen to not be bothered by things like this? I wish I knew. Sending positive energy your way.

  3. Salam,

    Ohhh,sweety I feel sooo bad right now.I can not even image,but remember at least you have someone else to comfort you.Can you image the women that do not have anyone.Lottts of Huggs


  4. Yes, I keep thinking of all women who have nobody but their half or 25% husband… The thought makes me sick! How can the world allow it? I will never understand or accept it! Without Graham, I would be falling apart right now.. 😦 Thanks for posting Souamaya, it means a lot!

  5. My heart aches for you and all women who are in this same position! Perhaps you should not be around him at all while he is preparing – go be with Graham during this time so it is not in your face!

  6. Well this is the man who was falling in love when u were half dead and halfalive and she is the women who assured him that u are playing a game to make it hard on them and ur husband of years belived in words from her than ur action.So the problem is not with his behavior but ur expectations and trust.This man has already chosen to hurt u and has proved it well long back so why his actions are making u miserable.Let ur Husband know it all by pouring ur Heart and let him know not only presently his behavior is making u sick but also past images are haunting and is this the gift he is giving for ur cooperation. He might be married to her not u also he should be able to compartmentalize or till he leaves u will be with Graham,Well this is the Theoretical way.To let him know practically wait for the right moment then later plan a complete week with Graham and buy a lot of things for surprising him because this is the only way he understands.Also comfort ur heart by thinking She is nothing more than a mistress who are all about material things.

  7. A man who can force polygyny on his wife is capable of anything, yes you are right. I know my first husband doesn’t really want to hurt me, but I also know that he is extremely unawares when he does. He simple doesn’t have the emotional intelligence to feel and comprehend the pain – a trait I think he shares with quite a lot of men. He’s not a bad man. He’s just a man…
    Before, he always tried to hide his feeling for her from me. I think this time, he’s forgotten about that since I approved the trip and actually paid for it. I think he believes I’m not in pain any more. I’m back with Graham tonight and it’s a relief. I wish I could just stay here until my first husband leaves…

  8. Maybe that would be best. But you see, I have promised to respect the schedule, unless my first husband gives up on his time I have to rotate. I don’t want to be as lousy a polygamist as my husband! πŸ˜‰ I’m just hoping time will pass quickly. Thanks for your support!

  9. Hi Fiona πŸ™‚

    I just have a question to ask, I know you love your husband very much, I totally understand that you don’t want to leave him because you share many memories and he doesn’t want to leave you either because he loves you, but can you really stand going through this for the rest of your life, especially when you have Graham?

    And another question, what is your husbands plan for the future? Keep #2 there without children for the rest of her life when she is in her early 20’s. I feel no sympathy for her nor do I believe she is innocent, however that is a horrible life if that is the case. I just think being a divorcee with a little chance of remarriage is better than living alone in a foreign country with an elderly ill person and your husband visits you a maximum of 4 weeks a year :/ like I said in another post, people can move on and the heartbreak would go after a while.

  10. Oh, no no! Omg, I’m so sorry, please don’t shut yourself off. Your husband is an idiot! Sorry! Please, make it a point to enjoy yourself during this time. Take care of you, Fiona. He thinks it is his gain, but we all know it’s really his loss. Thank God your other husband is there for you. And so are we!

  11. Right now, I don’t know if I can take another day of this. I am hurting so bad. It’s like being forced into polygamy all over again, taking all the pain again. A whole life of this? I don’t know. I just don’t know.
    I have no idea what plans my husband has for the future. I know he says he couldn’t live without me. That’s all I know. Maybe he’s hoping for some kind of miracle, some kind of Deus ex Machina?

  12. Yes, I like Successfull’s comment about buying things for Graham and letting your husband see. Then maybe he will think about what he is doing. Maybe not buy things, so much as to be seen making plans to have fun- without your first husband! Men are stupid until they see it done to them, they can’t understand. πŸ™‚

  13. You’re right. It’s just that I am tired of playing games. I just want to be me, without the jealousies, the hurt, the pretense. Right now, I’m longing for my husband to leave. I want to get it over with. 😦

  14. Do you think I’m crazy, who seems to think that the whole idea of ​​polygamy becomes much easier day by day? My husband has said no to her parents, but they have already picked out gold, clothing, planned for the wedding etc etc. .. So now it’s a lot of pressure from parents to change to a yes again.

    The more I think about it, the easier it feels??

    (from google.translate)

  15. Here’s my two cents, I hope it helps. (In no way am I justifying what your husband has done or is doing, but I am looking at the situation objectively)

    Your husband is willing to go through this pain everyday because he loves you and cannot live without you. He has accepted that this is the result of his actions and he prefers to share than to not have you. This is his love for you. Although originally you would question his love when he married #2, he was clearly misguided, and what he has done since proves more than a thousand words and a lifetime of monogamy, that he loves you more than anything and you mean everything to him, more than #2, more than this whole world and what is in it.

    Now, he does have some feelings for #2 and he hasn’t seen her in months, she is emotionally unstable and hurt and he feels bad because this too is a result of his actions. He wants to make her happy because of his guilt and because he cares too, but mainly because he knows she is suffering. It is a one week break, then he will be back to you. Don’t you think if he wanted to he could go move there and come visit you every few months? He prefers that he is with you most the time.

    So just think of this as a little break, your husband is excited cause it means a break from the hell of polygamy and less guilt for #2. Remember how you felt 3 weeks with Graham in sort of monogamy? He probably just needs a break and is looking forward to it. All he can see now is he can finally do something nice to #2 and it makes him feel better and he gets to just have a short break to clear his head, cause he hasn’t since Graham moved in next door. He doesn’t want to hurt you, I am sure if you asked him he would cancel this trip for you. Chin up, plan some things with Graham, and if you want to prevent this next time then show your husband what it feels like and make him aware of your plans. If you don’t feel the need to do that then don’t. It is a well needed break and it will get #2 off both yours and your husbands case.


  16. Thank you S, that is what I see when I look at the situation too. That is however not what I feel. I quite surprised myself actually. I wasn’t prepared for the pain this time. I thought that phase was over and done with. Turns out, the pain is still there. 😦

    I agree with everything you say. And I had decided this time to try and react the way you describe, and try to see it as a way to enjoy some special time with Graham. I am looking forward to some special time with Graham! I’m glad anyway that I don’t feel a need to play games and cause my first husband pain by flaunting plans I make with Graham, because I don’t this time. I’m glad I’m not that petty. I just wish I didn’t hurt as much that’s all. All this is bringing back extremely painful memories of what it was like in the beginning when I was forced to watch him take off to #2, leaving me in a heap of pain beyond words. I think I’m suffering from a kind of deja vu. 😦

  17. Yes!! You don’t know where u are leading yourself.Does it seems easy for u to be hurt for a lifetime,the idea of Sharing,……. Ur Husband will seek moments to go and see her,buy gifts to take to her,thinking about her when u are around and not even paying attention to ur pain!! They will contact through skype when he can be with u…. You are here because Your Husband hasn’t told NO the way it should be told,also everyone would gain through second marriage at the cost of You and your children,your Husband with more feelings and responsibilities can never be the same person,he won’t be loyal to you anymore and you won’t be special for him and his priority anymore.Its ur life which would become change and become miserable not his parents so why would they understand??are his parents in polygamous marriage?? If no how u expect them to understand u? Don’t commit the mistake of thinking ur life would be as it is except for a month!! ur Husband,ur relation,life of ur children everything would be changed!! warn ur Husband his second marriage can ruin ur family and relation and his second marriage can be at the cost of first marriage and losing you!!

  18. Don’t hold onto pain, all you feel now is the bitter taste that it has left in your mouth not the actual events going on, it means you’re lacking control of things around you. You need to take control. You need to tell your mind that right now I am at a position where I am privileged in this life that I lead and what my husband did before was another life, things have changed now, don’t look back, let go, this is the way God planned your life.

    Something can only hurt you if you let it, but I can understand, although I’ve never really known any polygamous person, but obviously I am a woman so I can try to understand the pain. I get you, but you need to tell yourself my husband needs a break too, and this is his break. He can go somewhere where he doesn’t need to share, he doesn’t need to guard his emotions as much. But don’t you think he’ll still be thinking about you, realising this means the woman he loves gets to spend this time with another man? Honestly I think this is his way of coping, of just thinking I get to see #2, focus on that, forget about what it means I’m leaving here. Because just as you are excited to be spending special time with Graham but sad that you’re husband is with #2, he too feels exactly the same thing. Only God knows what he feels in his heart and whether this is just a mask or maybe he is coping the way we’re telling you to cope. You’ve proven to us that men and women think almost exactly the same in this issue, so whatever you feel he feels too, trust me.

    I think though you need to tell him how this is making you feel, because whatever he’s feeling he is acting completely oblivious and that is unjust on his part. You cannot repeat this every time he has to go, because one day you may have enough and how will that leave him? He wouldn’t understand why things are falling apart and you didn’t give him a chance to change it, because I believe from what you’ve told us that if he knew just a little bit of what you’re feeling he’d do things completely differently.

    Smile πŸ™‚

  19. πŸ™‚ A fountain of wisdom! Thanks. You are right of course. I’ll do my best.

    It’s the bitter taste of events past, not current. I must remember.

    “..but that was in another country,/ And besides, the wench is dead.”

  20. You’re welcome πŸ™‚ you’re feelings aren’t wrong, no ones feelings are wrong, just remember mind over emotions.

    lol ahhh reminds me of English at school.

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